I have asked my wife to leave after discovering her affair 4 weeks ago. For the past 4 weeks I have tried to follow the things and concepts presented at this website, but the thought of all the lies and deceptions as well as the fact that it was my wife and not the other man that pursued the relationship and kept it going, was too much to bear any longer. She has been staying in a motel for the past several days because she is too ashamed to let anyone know that she is not in our home, what should I do? Any ideas would be greatly appreciatied

Hi FA<P>You need to make sure you do not make any decisions that can not be undone...<P>When I first found out about W affair I was so mad and 100% ready to leave the marriage. After cooling down and understanding the issue it has changed slowly over time to 0%.<P>Right now she needs a friend. She has nobody to talk about her feelings except the OM. Let back into your home. Think about forgiveness, not only for her but for you. Living with anger is not worth it. Your W is confused and needs your help. Look at her as a friend who she can count on and talk to. Your mind will always play the worse scenerio, after talking and understanding her you will realize the issue is something you can live with.<P>Just think about working it out. Let her open up to you, her words will hurt but you need to understand what she is going through. If you build this kind of friendship you will also get a chance to tell her your feelings and this will help as well. Let her come home, it is the best thing you can do right now. No lovebusting (very hard right now) and just talk. I also felt being a male that I was throwing my pride and manhood out the door which was killing me. It took some time to get over that social stigma (just felt like a wimp really) but I love my W and we have a good mariage plus there are kids involved.<P>Everyone here has been through this and from what I read with time and understanding your marriage will become good again and life will be great.<P>Good Luck

F A - <P>I feel for you. Tonight will be 4 weeks since my suspicions were confirmed. I thought my H was having an affair - I was sure enough to confront him a couple of times, but not sure enough to really dig. <P>I think we all have our breaking point. I took my vows seriously (not to say you don't), that is why I am willing to try to work thru things. I know that I am partly to blame for the reasons that led to my H's infidelity. That is how I can "justify" giving it another shot. I also believe that OW did all the right things to make my H feel goos because she was single. I was the wife taking him forgranted. While I type that I want to make it clear that I blame my husband as much as her - not matter who I think was the pursuer.<P>What does your wife want to do - to me it sounds like she does not want to leave or is unsure enough that you two may have a chance. <P>I think you have to follow your heart and your head. Is the marraige worth it to you? Can you get past the resentment? Do you love her? Does she love you? <P>Think about it before you act in haste!<BR><P>------------------<BR>H