Marriage is 4 Y.O. - Relationship is 6 Y.O. I'm 40 she's 32 - both of us are childfree. I've read SAA and HNHN and almost every article on this site.

WW exposed A in March '09. I exposed it her family and mine. (It makes me sick that most of her family already knew!) OM is divorced because of his own infidelity in his previous M. WW and I tried to work through A with a counselor. WW moved out and eventually stopped individual counseling claiming she was "too busy", but really she was too busy with OM. I plan A'd her anyway - tirelessly - and tonight she admitted I am the best friend she has.

Right after Thanksgiving, while OM was out of town, we went on a date. It ended back at my place with her asking for a D. I figured out she was moving in with him (short-term as per his wishes) because she could no longer afford a place on her own, so she felt she needed to stop stringing me along and D. I was ready to Plan B her Friday, 12/4. THAT morning at 4AM, she asked me to help her move back home. I requested she write a letter of NC - she agreed and I helped her move.

OH - the reason for her sudden return is she confirmed (which she's been denying to herself all along) that he's got at least three other women he's sleeping with.

A week has past and she will not write the letter. Now, she is planning to move out so she can help him overcome his "sexual addiction". She has also shared with me that she is pursuing being a movie, TV, book & music producer - running her own company - and an actress. Plus, she will be keeping her full-time job.

I've been fighting to keep M together since March and now I don't have any hope that we can recover even if Plan B works. The chasing of her "dreams" will not permit recovery, in my opinion - she'll be working at least 90 hours a week plus weekends. We won't see each other so we can't meet EN's. Plus, she is obviously not in the frame of mind to reconcile or begin recovery, anyway.

I dunno if this is the fog doing the thinking...? Her family has/had a few penniless, hard-working dreamers that die trying.

Like I said, I was ready for Plan B. The letter is written and I've got everything mentally lined up to go dark. I've spent the last few months working on me and I'm SO much more emotionally healthy than I've ever been. But now I feel it's pointless to drag this on any longer and it's time I started over.

Betrayed,

Sorry you need to be here.

Does she have any known psychiatric issues?

She has not been diagnosed as bi-polar or anything of that nature.

HOWEVER, our psychologist does believe she is affected by PTSD from watching her father rape her mother and the Dr also feels she may have been molested as a child and is blocking it.

The Dr also says she suffers from brutally low self-worth. I've been doing everything I can to boost it and maybe that's why I have "best friend" status.

She has an issue with dependency in relationships. The Dr. identified for her that she is currently maintaining three dependent/codependent relationships - The OM, her mom and a business partner. The Dr. was trying to help her establish her independence, but she self-sabotaged.

She suffers from depression and admits the A helped pull her out as every new relationship in her life has in the past. The Dr. feels the depression is linked to PTSD.

I'm sorry, but someone with that many psychological problems is NOT going to get better. You'll spend the second half of your adult life being her surrogate parent, not her lover.

Cat - For what it's worth, a good friend of mine made the same observation.

Betrayed,

I am sorry you are here. I like Cat's observation it is dead on. Further, if she asks for a divorce you cannot stop her. So let her actions speak for themselves, they already are.

You have never been in recovery, therefore with the A going on the MC was a waste of time. She is addicted, she has huge emotional problems and frankly she is affairing down.

You cannot fix her and there is a lot of fixing to do in this situation. I say protect yourself and let this run its course. You have done all you can do. You have exposed, you have tried counseling, you have done plan B. Now I think it is time you are DONE.

She has to come to the point where she will address her issues, her A, her claims to need a divorce. You two have not been married long, but she seems very very emotionally immature. YOu cannot cure that either.

Step back and see what she does.

My opinion.

JL

Thanks JL - Just to clarify, I never got to enact Plan B - she came back the morning of the day I was going to start. But I do see everything you're saying.

I agree that it s time for plan B. I was going to ask you the question about psychiatric problems too, because I am bipolar, and when I got manic, I had all sorts of grandiose plans. Of course they never came to fruition.

She has to hit bottom. She won't do that as long as she has a safety net. I would say go to the darkest plan B this world has ever seen.

Thanks luri. The nagging issue I'm dealing with right now is that I did not expose to his family. I've found about a dozen of his family members through his facebook page a couple of days ago. At this point, I question if it is worth exposing before going dark or if moving straight to Plan B is the better approach.

I wish I had found his family members sooner! He changed his "public" last name so I had no idea he had so many family members on his facebook page until I figured out the name-change.

Expose, take the heat. The "I was going to work it out with you but now that you have done this I am filing", "How could you hurt me like this." "I hate you for what you have done." "you have cost me my friends and made my family and your hate me." On it goes, they read from the script until they hit a button.

You need to hear all of this for completeness, just so you know this is standard stuff.

Then you smile, say I'm sorry you feel this way but I will do what it takes to fight for my marriage.

And then you give it a few days, and if she is still playing games you go to plan B. A very very very dark plan B.

JL

I'm sorry but YES it is time to pull the plug...

Thanks JL. The exposure letter is written and I'm sending the messages to his family this morning.

Oooo - Facebook doesn't like it when you send the same message to a lot of people in a short amount of time. I contacted six people and got a message that my activity was suspicious and my account would be blocked if I didn't slow down. I guess this will take the better part of the day to slowly perform.

FB is strange that way. My friend got "in trouble" when she was helping plan her reunion. It will take several rounds.

All sent!

WW spent last night on the couch - she was sleeping in our bed until last night. She woke up and started getting ready for work just as I sent the last of the exposure notes to OM's family.

I told her that I supported her plan to move out and she thanked me and gave me a huge hug. I also told her that I am still fighting for the marriage - after all, I'd just sent a dozen letters to expose the A. She said that she too was fighting for the M. Riiiight - okay - lie to me some more!

I also told her that I was going to hit the road 12/18 and wouldn't be back until early January. I'm going east to visit my family and plan going UBER-dark during that time while I have their support.

Before she left, she said she was going to spend tonight at OM's place "on the couch" and "because she has to work in his area tomorrow" - it's over an hour from my place. This could be a very interesting night for them!

I don't understand. Why would you tell her that?

Recall that she only returned home last Friday after she confirmed OM is seeing three other women. And a condition of her return was an NC letter. She has refused to write the NC letter and said she needs to be on her own so she can "sort things out" and "try to fix him". She has said that being home "doesn't feel right" and acknowledges it is largely because she is still pining for OM. She says she wants to be on her own so that she can do what she needs to be to fix him without feeling guilty for talking to him in our home.

In addition, countless people in her life (including her therapist) have told her she has emotional dependency issues and the best way to work through them is to establish her independence and start fixing herself. She SAYS this will help her do that.

I told her I support her decision (partially, to call her bluff) and added the caveat that I do not agree with it, but I will support her. It is continuation of Plan A and set-up of Plan B. After all, I can't go dark if she's living with me.

In my opinion, you are enabling this affair. It's like she's a child getting her parents' permission to spend the night at a friends' house but, she's actually going to make love to another man and her husband is giving her permission to do so.

AND, your going out of town for a few weeks without your W??? I wouldn't be surprised if she has OM over to your house doing it with him in YOUR bed... This is not good--at all.

You are contributing...IMHO

Thanks for your feedback StillDawn. I understand your interpretation and I have to admit that I do not understand how my actions are any different from Plan B. I'm sorry to sound confused.

She moved out once in May. During that time, she was doing whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted and I was actively working Plan A after exposing to her/my family and friends. She repeated her request for D LESS THAN ONE WEEK before asking to come home.

It sounds as though you are suggesting I somehow attempt to force her to stay which would not help Plan B. Furthermore, it would invariably involve conflict given her irrational state of mind (she's BEYOND foggy) subsequently leading to withdrawals from her Love Bank.

Unless I'm grossly misinterpreting the MB philosophy, I'm doing the right things.