SS,

Let's start off with the following statement by you.
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I don't know, should I be posting in the Recovery forum already? I mean it's only been like 2 weeks since D-Day. We're both kindof in our fog. We're going through the motions of repairing our relationship, but it's still very hard to sleep, and the anger and hurt is still subsiding. I guess that will probably continue for quite awhile.

Just an FYI, I'm not totally clueless. I am not granting my W blind trust again by any means. She's being monitored very closely, and in complete secrecy, as much as it pains me to do it. I hope that some day I won't have to anymore. I've always been very trusting, and it just sucks that those days are over.

Anyway, off to work. More to follow.


Many people think that if they are vigilant, and the pain eventually subsides or even goes away that they are recovered. That is the point Harley makes time after time. This is not recovery, this at best a return to the marriage as it was before, which clearly did not go so well when temptation, smooth talking, and weak boundaries came into play.


This is the reason people are sort of on your case. They know that because the symptoms seem to go away, you have not necessarily cured the disease. No one is denigrating your W but they are looking at her actions and they match thousands of WS's that been posted about on this site.

You also said
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Along those lines though, I have to admit that my wife is drop-dead gorgeous, and I am going to find it hard to get close to other couples from now on due to the fear that another guy will try the same thing. Does anyone else have this problem? I've told her that she will ALWAYS be faced with temptation throughout our lives, and that if she wants to stay married she's going to need to deal with and learn how to control herself when that happens. She's one of those low-self-esteem hotties, as I would describe. I think working on her self-esteem and self-image might be really good for us to work on going forward.


In my humble opinion you could not be more off base. Her failure was not about self-esteem nor self-image. It is poor boundaries and no plan to protect them.

Let me offer you an example from my life. I am NOT drop dead gorgeous nor am I George Clooney. But, I was a batchelor until my 30's and enjoyed shall we say I had a very active batchelor life. I knew my way around bars, dancing, social events, sports events and certainly world travel. When I married, I took my vows very seriously. I also realized that I would be traveling a great deal, some years as much a 3 weeks a month.

I also knew what Harley says, will power is not enough. Put into enough situation at some point the temptation might be too much. So I made a plan. When I traveled, I never dined with a woman alone. Always in groups or not at all. I did not hang out in bars even in the hotels. I NEVER and I mean NEVER went anywhere where their was music and dancing. I would eat, go back to my room, and read/watch TV/work. I have done this successfully for well over 30 years. MY plan was to simply eliminate temptation by not being near it.

What is your W's plan? She is good looking, she has poor boundaries, and she has no plan as yet. I will also tell you that I did not have self-esteem issues or self-image problems but still KNEW that a plan to protect myself was required.

Your W promising, you monitoring, the pain passing, even her remorse are not enough. Self-examination, discussion of weaknesses, and a plan to address them is required. This is why Harley pushes his two policies: the policy of joint agreement, POJA, and the policy of radical honesty. Both are tools for negotiating a win-win situation.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 01/07/10 10:37 PM.