-- Part 2 --

When my then-WW kept changing her story, after each iteration, I posted how I thought I finally had the whole story. In fact, I thought I had verified NC the week before I exposed. Each time, I got a flurry of posts telling me that I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I got angry with them, insisting I was right. Sucked when I wasn't -- nobody likes an "I told you so."

Virtually everyone that posts on this board has either been in our shoes as a BS, or has been on the other side as a WS. Each person posting carries with them the attitudes and experiences from their trials and tribulations.

Some BS's have recovered marriages. Others, not so much. Their ordeals have marked them for life. Some remain optimistic and positive. For others, including one that had their WW try to have a hit put on them, their anger is still understandably palpable. But even those that could be accused of being bitter understand this whole process and can spot b.s. a mile away. Experience is a great teacher -- a painful one perhaps, but the most effective instructor of all.

Some of the posters are, shall we say, less than tactful. I certainly said that to a few, including bigkahuna, who suggested I jump into this discussion. Your nerves are on edge, everything is raw, you feel like you have a sucking chest wound or maybe like you've even been eviscerated and your guts are on the floor. What seem like flip replies can flip you out. I get that. (In fact, you could go back on my original two threads and see me reacting just like you did to the same guy!)

The only good thing is that they cut through the noise and get your attention. Others usually come along and say the same things in a more diplomatic way, and after you've calmed down from the provocateurs and their pummeling, at that point you're more prepared to hear what's said by others. And I will suggest you go back and re-read your thread from the beginning, and do it analytically and without emotion. You'll be amazed.

My take? Do a polygraph at a bare minimum. The chances you've been given the whole story is just about nil. And yes, considering the timing of the A's, a DNA test isn't out of order either.

My FWW was a one-time violator, and she stubbornly refused to give me the whole story until she was forced to. When she did, she said it was that it took her that long to admit to herself what she did, much less admit it to me.

You do have to make yourself a safe haven for a full confession. You can't go ballistic when she starts getting to the nitty gritty. You can't launch, as much as you'd like. If you do, she'll shut down and you may never get the whole story. She'll be too scared.

She knows there will be consequences. She just has to know that any consequences will "fit the crime." Or maybe, she's afraid that they WILL fit the crime.

My FWW said that she fully expected me to walk when I heard the full story. (I literally couldn't do that on D-Day, not after hip replacement surgery. Sometimes I wonder if she told me right then just because of that.) I didn't. We're working it out.

There IS hope. But you have to get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, or even God won't be able to help you in the long run.

Just stay cool, and stay on these boards. The collective wisdom of the posters here is absolutely amazing.

And every new thread I read now, after a year of posting, confirms that virtually every A is basically the same. It's depressing in that people just don't learn. It's uplifting in that there really IS a way out of this mess, if you do it the right way.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.