I think I am in shock right now, and I'm not even really sure where to start.

On Monday of this week, I noticed a very questionable message posted on my husband's Facebook page from a female 'friend'. It said something to the effect, "I didn't mean to make you mad, I just want you to be happy!" When I questioned my husband about this, he denied knowing what it was about. After I made him go look at the message, he told me that she had been at the New Year's party (that he told me was only guys) and that he had smoked pot with her (something truly ridiculous as he was getting ready to start a govt. job) and that this girl had 'encouraged him' to leave his family and pursue writing. He said that, because of the pot, he 'played into it'.

So basically he went from being remorseful about what he did and giving me his Facebook password (for transparency) to CHANGING his password and then....defriending me!!!

He also told me he didn't love me and wanted a separation. He kept throwing things up from the past (years ago) that I have done that have destroyed our marriage and his love for me.

I, and my kids, are all in shock about this because he never mentioned being so unhappy before.

I appreciate any thoughts or feedback.

Welcome to MB, Jill.

Has your H actually left? Your thread title suggests so, but your story says he just threatened. Where is he living? What do you know about the other woman (OW)? Is she married? Do they work together? Has he now changed to the govt job? Does she live locally?

See if you can get someone who is still his friend to tell you what is going on on his page.

Please move this thread to the forum Surviving an Affair. You will get help from people used to advising on affairs. Click "notify" and ask a moderator to do this for you.

Some other things that have been going on with my H:

1) About two months ago he quit his job out of the blue and hadn't even discussed this with me and he didn't have another job lined up.

2) After quitting his job he took himself on a two week vacation half-way across the country. He saw his brother for 3 days of the trip, otherwise he was alone.

3) He has been very protective of his phone, he sleeps with it and always has it on him. He turned all the ringers to silent so incoming messages won't be heard.

4) He has had huge overages on the phone bill due to texting so much. In Dec. the bill was over $100 extra because of all the texting.

5) He downloaded over $100 worth of music, it was so much that the bank even called him to verify it was him making the charges.

6) He has changed all his passwords: e-mail, phone records, Facebook, etc.

7) The day he moved out he took our computer and switched it out for a brand new one. He said he didn't want me to have any information I would 'use against him'.

8) He told me he just can't be himself with me, can't be who he really is.

9)Has a history of abusing Ambien, keeps filling the prescription even though he knows he abuses it and it causes him to have really strange/frightening behaviors.

10) He finally got a govt. job, but days before he was to start he ended up taking his old job back (the one he quit because he hated it so much).

He, of course, denies an affair and gets outraged that I would even question it.

Please help give me some insight! I feel like I'm dealing with an impulsive, irresponsible teenager instead of a 42 year old man.

SugarCane- Thank you so much for responding!

I have asked for this to be moved the the other forum.

Yes, he has moved out. Right now he's staying in a hotel, but he just told me yesterday that he found an apartment in a nearby college town that he will be moving in to.

The OW (which he denies is, of course) lives about 2 hours away. He says she is a 'trouble maker' and that he would never want to have anything to do with her.

This all happened in 6 days? There are many red flags in your situation, you need to read up on plan a right away.
Spend as much time as you can reading on the site.

Try as hard as you can to not LB (read) right now.


Also more infomation is needed. M how long? kids how many waht ages?

Yes, this all started just this past Monday after I found the mssg. on FB from another girl.

We have been married 7 1/2 years and have 1 dau. (age 6) together and one dau. (age 14) from my first marriage.

I will start reading. I read a lot on this site years ago (much to his dismay, he hated it) but I need to re-read everything. He even mentioned Marriage Builder's when he said he wanted a separation...how he was sure I'd get on here and everyone would convince me he was having an affair, which he denies!

Also, I just asked a mutual friend to look at his FB page and she told me he has defriended her, too! He doesn't want me to have access to anything!!!

Jill you need to get up to speed on spying.
Can you put a GPS on his car?
Do you have a detailed phone bill with OW's number (its obvious that is who he is texting...)
Do you know OW's name? Can you do some facebook spying? Check out her page, find her friends and friends of friends?
Can you put a keylogger on his new computer? That will capture his passwords....

Collect this information to start. So that you can be ready to expose this affair. There is no doubt he is having an affair.
Its almost ridiculous how obvious he is...

You already know that, right?

His 2 week trip "alone"....BS.
This has been going on much longer than 6 days....

Jill mentions the New Year party. She does not suggest that the affair has been going on for only six days, just her discovery of FB and his moving out.

Jill, Lexxy is right, your H is having an affair and it has probably been going on for some time. Who is this OW?

Your solution is to quietly snoop and get the goods. Then expose the affair. Stop asking him, and start finding out on your own.

You don't have to get a confession from him.
Like ML said, work AROUND him.
Investigate her, get the details on her.
Find out if she's married or has a boyfriend.
Find out who her family is.

How about his family? Are they likely to support you (emotionally) if he is having an affair? Will they disapprove?

He is having an affair (he is right we would say he is.)

He is partially in denial (if he doesn't outright admit it to you, it doesn't exist and interfer with his fantasy relationship), part of him knows it is wrong though the addict in him will not give up the rush of the affair.

He left and took all incriminating evidence to prevent you from knowing without a doubt the truth.

You can work a plan A when interacting with him to calm him down. He is like a deer caught in a trap. Knows there is no easy way out.

Plan A and then once you have the love built a wee bit back (it will take some time) you can be in a position to decide on the plan B timing, etc.

Lure him back towards you and the kids and then there is a more even playing field.

My 2cents

If your WS has mentioned MB, I am pretty sure he has been on here and armed himself with a lot of the info here about proving an affair and has changed all passwords, gotten a new computer to prevent you from proving he is having an affair.

He is also gaslighting you.

Sorry to see you here, but welcome.

You will get a lot of good advice here.

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Not that it is any justification, but can you tell us he is saying about your treatment of him over the years?

I'm not saying that you were bad to him at all. I am well aware that waywards need to find justification for behaving immorally, and so they look back on the marriage and say it was terrible, it is all the BS's fault and nothing can be done now. We should ask them why they never communicated this before an OP came on the scene.

Also, was either of you married when you met?

If Jill Mack is your real life name, change your posting name.

I'm just curious what brought you here over 6 years ago when you registered? Not that it matters, but was there a problem then as well?

As far as the spying, he has basically made it impossible for me to do so right now. He has changed his passwords, he put the phone in his name and changed the on-line billing access so I no longer can view it, he took all the old phone bills and he removed the computer from our home.

As far as what he's throwing in my face: When we first married I had previously been cheated on by my first husband. My DH was a person that had a LOT of female friends. He is a marriage and family therapist, so he not only worked with a lot of females, he took great delight in being the 'go-to' guy for them when they needed advice. When we got married I told him I needed very firm boundaries and I needed to know that we would not be maintaining close relationships with people of the oppisite sex. This is basically what started about two years of fighting between us. I never felt secure with him and I always felt he was hiding stuff from me. I became very jealous and suspicious, which was conviently then the focus of our problems instead of what was and was not being done to make me feel secure. That's when I started visiting on here. He also had (and has) a very close male friend that he spends hours talking to on the phone. I have resented this because I can see a direct coorelation between the time he spends talking to this friend and the quality of our relationship declining.

We went through a lot of marriage counseling and I felt like we finally got to a good place. I felt secure and confident in the boundaries he had with other women and I felt like we had moved on to a better place in our marriage. That's why I was so surprised when he started throwing this all up in my face again. I had started to feel a little uncomfortable when he got Face Book (about 4 months ago) and the sheer number of young, single girls he felt he needed to be friends with. When we had our fight on Monday he mentioned that he is a person that likes to have close female friends more than male friends and that when he is married to me he knows he can't have that. He can't 'be himself'.

And no, neither of us were married when we met. I had been divorced for 3 years when we met and he was single, never married before.

What is gaslighting?

I really appreciate all of your feedback. Thanks so much.

Sorry you're here Jill. Just a suggestion...If you know the OW's name, go copy all her FB friends onto a word doc; I'd also try to find any other of WH known friends' FB's and see if any friends are the same. Have you tried opening a new FB account? if he blocked you and didn't deactivate his acct, maybe you can still view his friends. Is OW married?

gaslighting <~~~ LINK

a simple google search ...