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Originally posted by Mark1952 on BT's thread - Discussing House Fires and Recovery

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It's as if the house caught fire in the middle of the night. You fought every obstacle that was presented to overcome the smoke and heat and darkness and you rescued your family. Everyone stands on the front lawn, grateful for the chance to move forward in life. The fire department has put out the fire and the insurance adjuster has made his investigation. You even have the check you need to begin rebuilding in hand.

But you still stand in front of a burned out mess, the smell of ashes, smoke and destruction filling your nostrils with burning pain and grief.

To make matters worse, you both have injuries that have to be healed as the rebuilding begins.

There are three parts to the healing process here. First is that you each have to heal. You have to both work through the emotional wreckage, find what is still usable and what needs to be thrown out and discover new motivations to even get up in the morning. Until withdrawal is complete, your wife will not be even really working on this phase. Sorry to break that to you like that, but it means she will still be trying to minimize what has happened for a while. She's just realizing she is the one who set the fire and she did it on purpose.

The second part is to heal together as a couple. This phase can last longer than the first, but it is now that you begin to come back together and sooth each other's wounds, show care for each other and begin to seek each other out for comfort.

The third phase is working to build a new and better marriage. It is NOW that you start tweaking and sharing goals, ENs and fine tuning the relationship to mold it into one that can make both of you happy. Unfortunately, you can't bypass any steps or move on to the next before the previous is complete.

In context of the burned out house analogy, recovery begins with each getting checked out at the hospital and resting and recovering from the ordeal and giving time to your body to recover from the injuries you got when escaping the fire.

The second phase will be as you pick through the rubble, examining each piece of the relationship to see what still works and what needs to be eliminated. You will only be able to really start this process once you are both able to work on it and though you are both willing, only after you have each healed enough to tackle the hard stuff will you reach the second phase.

The third phase in the analogy comes when you start building the new house. You might need an architect along the way (Jennifer) and you need to decide on what will go into the new house (ENs, LBs, habits, likes, dislikes...)and you need to be sure the foundation is sufficient to hold up the load of what you are building (Understanding the LB$ model, making it part of you, learning to meet ENs and avoid Love Busters etc.)

Even when all of these pieces have fallen into place, you aren't ready to move into the new house because you still have to do the work to build it. And even once you live there, the work doesn't stop since you have to keep up the house or it will fall into disrepair and be another fire waiting to happen.

Three phases...

Last edited by princessmeggy; 07/14/10 04:38 PM. Reason: added link

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I wanted to include the entire post.
Thanks PM.


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Recovery is WAY harder than Plan A most of the time. In Plan A you set short goals, lower expectation of getting anything in return and just execute a plan one step after the other.

Enter RECOVERY...

Now we have to work through ever detail. We can't relax our doing all the while struggling to get our own needs met which during Plan A were not getting met at all...

And here's the part that makes recovery so blasted hard...

We can't even decide to step away and stop the pain of dealing with it by going into Plan B because we still hurt. There is no Plan B for recovery.

Now if there is some other issue such as physical abuse, drug addiction or something else that is standing in the way of progress, then Plan B comes back into play, but forcing the (F)WS to start engaging in recovery is not one of the things Plan B was designed for.

Recovery pretty much sucks most of the time and early recovery sucks almost all of the time.

But that brings me back to the time factor here...

As time goes on, new patterns of communication get established. New responses to interactions get created. New ways to responding to each other get discovered and each tiny step builds upon the previous ones to make the whole process go more smoothly.

Also keep in mind that once the adrenaline wears off, you are left with no emotional motivation factors that drive you onward as if by some outside force. You have to find motivation within to keep trying when things are not going the way you hoped for.

It's as if the house caught fire in the middle of the night. You fought every obstacle that was presented to overcome the smoke and heat and darkness and you rescued your family. Everyone stands on the front lawn, grateful for the chance to move forward in life. The fire department has put out the fire and the insurance adjuster has made his investigation. You even have the check you need to begin rebuilding in hand.

But you still stand in front of a burned out mess, the smell of ashes, smoke and destruction filling your nostrils with burning pain and grief.

To make matters worse, you both have injuries that have to be healed as the rebuilding begins.

There are three parts to the healing process here. First is that you each have to heal. You have to both work through the emotional wreckage, find what is still usable and what needs to be thrown out and discover new motivations to even get up in the morning. Until withdrawal is complete, your wife will not be even really working on this phase. Sorry to break that to you like that, but it means she will still be trying to minimize what has happened for a while. She's just realizing she is the one who set the fire and she did it on purpose.

The second part is to heal together as a couple. This phase can last longer than the first, but it is now that you begin to come back together and sooth each other's wounds, show care for each other and begin to seek each other out for comfort.

The third phase is working to build a new and better marriage. It is NOW that you start tweaking and sharing goals, ENs and fine tuning the relationship to mold it into one that can make both of you happy. Unfortunately, you can't bypass any steps or move on to the next before the previous is complete.

In context of the burned out house analogy, recovery begins with each getting checked out at the hospital and resting and recovering from the ordeal and giving time to your body to recover from the injuries you got when escaping the fire.

The second phase will be as you pick through the rubble, examining each piece of the relationship to see what still works and what needs to be eliminated. You will only be able to really start this process once you are both able to work on it and though you are both willing, only after you have each healed enough to tackle the hard stuff will you reach the second phase.

The third phase in the analogy comes when you start building the new house. You might need an architect along the way (Jennifer) and you need to decide on what will go into the new house (ENs, LBs, habits, likes, dislikes...)and you need to be sure the foundation is sufficient to hold up the load of what you are building (Understanding the LB$ model, making it part of you, learning to meet ENs and avoid Love Busters etc.)

Even when all of these pieces have fallen into place, you aren't ready to move into the new house because you still have to do the work to build it. And even once you live there, the work doesn't stop since you have to keep up the house or it will fall into disrepair and be another fire waiting to happen.

Three phases...

* Personal and individual healing
* Healing together as a couple
* Negotiating a new and better relationship

And then the hard work of making it reality begins.

Mark

Last edited by Pepperband; 07/17/10 10:31 AM.
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Stillstanding2 wrote this as she makes a BIG BOLD move (literally and figuratively)

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There are no sure things.
Guard what you value you most - always.
Stand up for yourself early. Don't put up with nonsense just to keep the peace.
Always listen to your gut. Your gut is on your side.
Don't take time or people for granted.
The bad times do get better - slowly.
I am so much stronger than I thought.
I am much more self-sufficient than I thought.
I can fall flat on my face and get back up and try again and be okay. It is even ok to stay down for a minute and catch my breath before I stand back up again. Lol.
It is okay to accept help if you need it.
You can love somebody with all your heart, watch them walk away, and have peace (eventually). Life can even get better.
The only person that I can make change is myself.
Words and intentions are nothing without actions to back them up.
There are no little lies.


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santa001

A Christmas bump !

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Posted by Maritalbliss 02/10/11



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I can't wax poetic and bring masses to emotional tears like Glove Oil's 2nd anniversary poetry :), but I wanted to mention a few things in my own way, if I might

Today is the second anniversary of the day my world burned into ashes at my feet. I really thought that was it, that day. I thought our M was over.

Well, it didn't end, and I found MB, and we're chugging along quite nicely, now. Yes, it was horrible, and the memory still is. But my FWH has more than earned his 'F.' And we both have learned a world of knowledge here on MB. I've stuck around to hopefully help others who are going through this terrible terrible act of devastation that is adultery. My way of trying to pay it forward, I guess.

Having said that, I want to post a couple of random thoughts as a Former (I like the sound of that ) Betrayed Spouse. They aren't original, you've probably read them here before. But they're also MY thoughts, MY reality, MY experience. Maybe you're lurking and you'll read this and it will resonate with you. Maybe you've been posting and need to see it again. Either way, my random thoughts for betrayed spouses:

Time goes very slowly when D-Day arrives. Healing begins very slowly. You may wonder if you are up for the challenge. You may consider that you are having a nervous breakdown. If that is the case, get medical attention right away. They say God never gives us more than we can handle. Read that sentence again: God never gives us more than we can handle. You'll notice that the word "alone" isn't at the end of that sentence. God (The Great Physician) gives us ways to get help when things become overwhelming. Seek help if you need it because God put it there for you.

You might quit eating and get skinnier than you should. Shove the food in there anyway. You need the nourishment.If you throw it up, wait a little bit and put some more in there, even if you don't feel hungry. I went 3 days without eating more than once, so don't count on your brain letting you know that it's time to eat. The trauma you're going through will kill your appetite.

Post here. The people on this forum are not professionals, but they are your peers and as such are uniquely qualified to know exactly what you're going through. This site is another tool God gave you. You didn't stumble over it by accident.

Read the articles here as well. And don't be afraid to consider counseling with the Harleys. I've spoken with them, and they're wonderful, down-to-earth people. I wish every couple who plans to marry could counsel with them before the Big Day. I think it would save a lot of heartache.

Get some sleep. You may need medical help for this as well. You need the rest so your brain can function. No rest makes it difficult to chart your path and properly advocate for yourself.

Allow yourself to be okay for trusting your partner 100% and then having that trust dashed. Then NEVER TRUST THEM COMPLETELY AGAIN. What were we thinking, trusting someone else 100%???

In the beginning I snooped about 24/7, using just about any spying tool I could think of. H knew it, and knew I needed that for my own sense of safety. I don't snoop as much now as I did then, but rest assured that any detective agency would love to have me on their staff. I'll spy on my H as often as I wish. That is my promise to myself. H knows that, as well, and welcomes the scrutiny now. He no longer has anything to hide. (And trust me, if he ever does again, I'll be the first to know this time. ) Don't feel guilty if you're snooping on your spouse!

I have phone records, notes, emails, timelines, etc. from the days of the affair. In the beginning I carried the phone records around with me most of my waking hours, creating timelines. Don't feel crazy if you are doing this. And don't let a foggy spouse pooh-pooh your need to do this, even after they've come clean with every minute detail of the affair. The day will come when you are satisfied that you have all of your answers, and you won't need to do that anymore. That's when you'll quit.

I never met the OW. In the beginning I intended to track her down and beat the living [censored] out of her. I fantasized about pulling her hair out and then taking it to my H to see if he still wanted to stroke it. I never acted upon that, and I'm glad I didn't. Nothing positive would have come from it.

I physically struck my H and left bruises. More than once. You must not succumb to the temptation to do this! I substituted a pillow for my H and pounded the pulp out of it until my rage subsided. Do that instead. I am sick to this day that I allowed my rage to cause me to physically harm another human, regardless of what they did to me.

Understand that it DOES get better. Like I said in the beginning, Time is your enemy. It can't move fast enough. I would have sold my soul to the devil if it would have meant I could fast-forward through the devastation I was going through. Time will become your friend. I promise you that.

Okay, that's more than "a few things" sorry! But I hope even one thing I've posted helps someone out there who is newly devastated and trying to pick their way through the rubble.
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hurray hurray


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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What do you do when the child(ren) of marriage carry resentments toward their wayward parent?
Please read the following by MB'er Delta:


Originally Posted by Delta
Hi Joyce. You may remember taking my call on MB Radio a couple months ago regarding my husband's affair with my sister. You mentioned that I could follow up with you and Dr. Harley, so I'm taking you up on your offer.

Our 15yo daughter continues to have a lot of pain and anger toward her dad about the affair, and I'm wondering if you could suggest a book or resource that might help her work through it. We took her to a family counselor, but -- as expected -- that didn't help because our daughter basically felt that she was told to get over it.

Everybody seems so eager for victims of adultery to forgive and move on so quickly like nothing ever happened, including her cousins (the teenage children of my sister / other woman). They seemed to be basically unaffected even the day they were told about the affair, which makes our daughter feel even worse ... how can it affect her so much and affect them so little? It makes her feel that there's something wrong with her.

Her dad and I have acknowledged her pain and have assured her that it's normal to be upset because the affair was indeed so horrible. He has written her a letter of apology and has expressed his sorrow and remorse several times. She is pleasant to him but tells me that she would prefer not even be around him and that she's lost all respect for him. She has a lot of resentment about what he did to me, her and her brother, our family and the distance it will permanently cause between her and her cousins.

I still have pain and upset but feel that I'm in the process of healing with my husband while I think our daughter is stuck in the resentment stage.

I thought about having her read parts of Surviving An Affair, but perhaps there's another resources that's better suited to her pain as a child.

Can you share some wisdom?

Thanks,

Originally Posted by Delta_
I'd like to remind everyone here about what a tremendous gift MB Radio is.

At no cost, you can email your question or concern to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com, and Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, will address your issue on air. Then you can follow up with Joyce and Dr. Harley through email afterward.

I've done this a couple times, most recently in regard to my daughter's continued resentment about her dad's A. (letter above)

Dr. Harley addressed the issue on air, followed up with an email exchange, offered to speak to our daughter privately, and then spoke to my H and I afterward. This has helped a great deal, and our daughter will continue to speak to Dr. Harley on the phone to hopefully help her work out some things.

I'm so very grateful for this entire organization!
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PLEASE click the link to the original post where the visual aids can be seen.


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Hey GH

I spent six years in the state you describe. Doing okay a lot of the time, then Squid would do something crass and I would immediately feel mugged that I stayed married to this harpie and withdraw. Squid would sigh and expect the worst. What a rubbish cycle.

What changed for us is I found out about the love and respect cycle.

I was instinctively hypersensitive to criticism and disrespect from Squid which I received as contempt. That would make me withdraw which Squid received as alack of love for her. Which would make her criticise me for "sulking". Which would make me regret that I never separated the pensions... which....

We talked about it. Squid feels that is absolutely fine to criticize me where I could improve my behaviour or husbandry. But our circumstances made me feel contempted and hateful.



I learned that I needed to take the lead and invest unconditional love into Squid. Her response was to respond with respect which reversed that poison cycle.



And that for the last year has laid a foundation of love and respect in our marriage that has allowed MB principles to take root. I feel respected and appreciated. Its easy to love a woman that does that.

I won't say I have no dark times, GH31, but 90% of the time I am too content to bother looking back at buried hurts.

I use this process in my marriage ministry and it seems to be very effective there too. Hope this helps buddy.


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Original thread by GloveOil *** here ***

"He�d hired a private investigator. Keyloggers, in-home wiretap, the whole schemer."

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Typical Virginia winter� gray/brown, damp, too warm to snow, but too cold to leave your coat unbuttoned. It was a Wednesday.

It was an ordinary morning for me. But my �ordinary� had changed. Over the past few weeks, it had become pretty ordinary on most days for me to get a voice-mail or phone call at around the time I got to the office or shortly thereafter. She was a stay-at-home mom, and she often liked to call me once her husband had left for work.

This day, I got to the office a few minutes late, and saw that I�d missed a call from her. Sometimes she left a voice-mail, sometimes not. This time, she didn�t. Uneasy as I was at fleeting times with the whole sordid thing, I was usually happy for the diversion of conversation with her, but this day I had work to do, stuff piled up from the holidays, and an overseas trip looming in under 3 weeks.

So I didn�t call her back like I often did. We�d spent a lot of time together the previous week, and meanwhile, things weren�t going well for her at home. She and her husband had gotten into another fight on Sunday morning before church. Or maybe Saturday night � I�m not sure I got the whole story from her.

I�d told her we ought to let things go cold for a spell, because she kept getting uneasy feelings that her husband might be onto something. Maybe we should cool it for a few weeks � even break it off if we had to (after all, we were adults; we could quit any time, right?); but we could leave it open-ended, keep our options open.

But every time she sensed me getting cold feet, she�d call back in a day or so to say that things were better at home, that the suspicions she�d voiced earlier now seemed unfounded and he seemed oblivious. Which was certainly what I wanted to hear. I�d told her weeks earlier that I wasn�t into breaking up anyone�s family � mine nor hers. (I somehow convinced myself that there was a smidge of decency in that nuanced stance. Oh, my God, that�s how far gone I was!)

Sunday night, she�d left a reassuring voice-mail on my cell, saying that things were smoothed over. Monday we�d chatted and she wasn�t as sanguine -- she talked again about feeling trapped in her marriage and about wanting to consult with a lawyer, just to learn about her options. I felt a pang in my gut. Dammit, I�d gotten myself hooked. Again, I tried to buck her up, to encourage her to smooth things over with him, because if she were to get divorced, well, she�d be free, and that�d mean she wouldn�t be satisfied any longer with a part-timer like me. Here I was, a married, 41-year-old father of two, and I was afraid of getting dumped by my affair partner because it would hurt! This couldn�t get any more f*d up, so why not just keep riding the merry-go-round and see what happens, I must�ve thought. Or something inane to that effect.

So we weren�t sure where it would lead, but I wanted to believe that nothing was pressing us to decide. So thought I. I was happy to keep having my cake & saving it too.

Around 9:30am, she called back. �I need to talk to you.� I said I was busy and asked if I could call her back later, but she seemed anxious and said she wanted to see me that morning. I couldn�t; I had a meeting at 11:00 and a lot of work to do. I demurred, but she was weirdly insistent, even for her. �Just tell me what�s up,� I said. No, she wanted to see me, not talk about it over the phone, whatever "it" was. She was starting to sound kind of desperate. Finally she gave up and whispered: �[He] knows.�

Her husband, that is.

�About what? The e-mails, the phone calls? Or everything?�

We�d been somewhat discreet in our e-mails, until the last few days when she�d gotten a little sloppy. For a final couple of seconds, I tried to console myself with the optimism that it could all be explained away as something less than what it was. That we could somehow tie it all to the time we�d spent (and there had been quite a bit of it) practicing and talking about music together.

�Everything.�

My world stopped.

We talked a few minutes more, as she explained how he knew. I relented and told her to come downtown; she�d be in on the subway in about an hour and 15 minutes. The next few minutes were a blur. I closed my office door, sat at my desk and held my head in my hands. I couldn�t believe this was actually happening. And I�d brought it all upon myself.

He�d hired a private investigator. Keyloggers, in-home wiretap, the whole schmear. I knew she�d given him ample reason already� her leaky alibis; the long-distance affair she�d carried on with her ex-BF from Florida, from which she segued into chasing me. Being clumsy when closing out her browser windows while we were IM�ing. Always wanting to stay past the times we�d agreed upon, so that she�d get home late. Her husband would call, asking where she was, and I�d stand there and listen in silence, while she made up some lie about being out shopping and getting stuck in traffic, and there being some kind of accident at the intersection up ahead, etc. And God knows what suspicious behavior she�d done that I didn�t even know about. The previous evening, Tuesday, he'd confronted her.

I had to tell my wife. OW had begged me not to. She wanted to see me, to make her pitch face-to-face. But even as stupid as I was, I knew it was played-out, and finally had to end now. I knew I had to make a call � it couldn�t wait another minute.

Somewhere during this, there seemed a flitting sensation of relief. But it was the relief of jumping off a height in complete darkness... no longer being stuck up there, but having no idea whether anything was going to catch me, or whether it would be far preferable if nothing did.

I moved the phone closer so my shaking arms could make my fingers hit the numbers. I felt like I was hovering above the room, watching myself, or watching someone else.
_________________________

I reached her at the hospital, where she was about three hours into her day-shift. Just an ordinary day for her. Probably just an ordinary phone call. I said �I need to talk to you.�

And there, over the phone, I sucker-punched her right in the stomach. Told her I�d gotten mixed up in something awful, that I'd been in an affair. She hesitated, then asked �With who?� And before she could even catch her breath, I told her --which is to say, I punched her right in the face, the girl whom I�d sworn to cherish and honor.

I tried to tell her that I'd chosen her, not OW. (Thinking to myself, Way to go, GloveOil, you worthless jerk... Where was your choosiness back in October when this all started?) I don�t remember what else, other than begging for forgiveness and saying I was so sorry. Over the phone, I could hear her laboring just to breathe. She said she had to go, and hung up. I felt so totally alone in all the world. At the time, I was still all about me, and I probably didn�t even try to imagine what she must�ve felt -- the woman to whom I�d promised �forever.�

And her world had turned upside down.

I can never get to the center of that pain of hers. In truth, I never want to. Many of you have felt it firsthand and know better than I what I�m talking about.

I started to pray, but I caught myself. Who was I kidding, that God would give me the time of day? I�d spent the previous two months' Sunday mornings singing songs praising Him, while standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Guess Who, with both of our spouses out there in the congregation, both of us together there among the music team, getting deeper into trouble all the while, willfully ignoring the unimaginable hypocrisy of it all, and stupefyingly persuading ourselves that the truth would not out.

I got someone to take my meeting, and told my boss I had an emergency at home and needed to leave for the day. OW arrived downtown and we met in the subway station and sobbed with no dignity. We composed ourselves a little and she wanted us to find a caf� or a park bench to talk, but I said I had to go home. I told her I intended to beg for my wife�s forgiveness, beg her to keep me. She got angry when I told her I'd already called TWC -- she�d begged me not to tell my wife. She actually thought she could persuade her husband �not to make things messy� � she had a college degree, but her stupid brain was still feebly trying to find some way to keep the door open for our affair. On the train back to the suburbs, she was all crying, and begged me to run away together with her, and said we could make each other so happy. I was numb. I knew I couldn�t be happy without TWC and our family. And what about OW�s own daughter? Did she mean to run away from her child, too? How could she think that we could be happy?

I took advantage of her one last time, not in the awful way, but for transportation�I asked her to give me a ride from the subway station to the feeder bus lot where my car was parked. And I went home to wait for TWC to come home from the hospital.

It was January 7, 2009.
_________________________

I�ve never put all this out here before. I didn�t show up here on MB until 8 months after d-day. In the interim, TWC and I got lucky with the first marriage counselor I tracked down, from a list our pastor had sent me. The MC insisted that we get �Surviving An Affair,� and it became our text. She helped mediate our conversations. She gave us practical homework. She got me to shut up and listen when I should listen, and she got me to talk to my wife calmly.

This post is not our recovery story. Elements of that story, and lessons we learned, and which we hope may be of some benefit or caution to others, are elsewhere here & there, scattered among our 600-some posts. My first couple months� worth of posts were lost because of the October 2009 server crash. We�d done better than OK by August 2009, but there was still some stuff in there that makes me cringe, and still a lot of stuff in my head that I didn�t feel I was getting anywhere with. Mostly, I had only circled around, but hadn�t gotten to the core of, how selfish I�d been.

So I am glad for the 2x4s that I got back then. I am grateful for the people who kept me focused on TWC�s feelings. I�m grateful for LousyGolfer and HPB (tst) who gave me some sort of advice that I must�ve followed � they�ve given the same advice to others. I�m grateful to Tawandabelle for her words of compassion, and to MelodyLane, who explained that guilt could actually be my friend � that was a minor epiphany for me. I�m grateful for Mark1952�s wonderfully articulate and carefully thought-out advice on memories and triggers. I�m grateful for some lady whose screen name I can�t even remember, but who sat up typing a long message (well, not as long as this one!) even though she was on painkillers and was typing with a broken shoulder, to root for me and my wife and to point out where she thought I still sounded foggy. I�m even grateful in some weird way to a couple of posters whom I won�t even call out, as just about everything they posted to me was so rude, unconstructive and/or downright profane that it got edited out by the mods; in their own way, unintentionally, they helped me see just how deep a BS�s pain can be, and how it can change people if a WS doesn�t go all-in on trying to make amends. And that was all in the first 10 days or so, months before I got up the nerve to bring TWC around to the site for the first time. (And she got a little upset with me at first then, because she saw this little posting habit, which I�d just revealed to her, as being Independent Behavior -- before she dipped her toes in and saw what you all were about.)

A lot of my recounting of that awful day two years ago is from the only standpoint that I can recall it from, which is my own. But I know it wasn�t about me. I know I can never get to the center of that pain which I caused.

I haven�t spoken of OW�s husband, who deserves more and better than these few words. I�d known him and OW for over two years before OW and I ever started to slide into our improper friendship, but I didn�t know him well � hardly at all, actually. I�d thought him rather reserved, ill-at-ease in casual conversation, shy perhaps, but we might�ve been friends. He was good at his job, polite and mild-mannered, well-dressed, well-spoken, and had never had an unkind word for me. If there were any defect in his character or conduct � she claimed he drank and was a workaholic and neglectful (and I now know that I can place little credence on anything she said) � in retrospect I�ll say no one could blame him, for look what he was living with! I have never apologized to him, except through our pastor in the weeks immediately afterwards. The vast preponderance of advice I�ve since read on the matter says that any benefit of apology from an OP to a BS is outweighed by the dredged-up pain of contact with the OP, and that no apology will be seen as sincere, and thus that while a (F)WS must be willing to offer an apology, he/she should not be so inconsiderate as to actually convey one, especially after this much time has passed. But if I should live to be 500 years old, I will never be so sorry for anything, aside from how I hurt my wife, as I am for how I must�ve hurt him.

They separated, and were divorced 11 months ago.
_________________________

In some way, it feels as though TWC and I have been through a war. In history books, it�s said that wars have winners, insofar as countries or causes are �winners.� However, the memoirs of soldiers who fight wars, or civilians who live through them, say that wars have no winners at the level of the individual. Yes, those on the �winning� side are glad to have "won", because they know the alternative would have been even worse; but they think of the loss and the pain bound up in it all, and it leads them to quiet tears, not cheering and confetti. The soldiers, and the innocent civilians, too, just tell of simple gratitude for having lived through what others did not survive, and they tell of being mystified as to why they were chosen to live while others didn�t make it. That�s kind of how I feel today. (Except for having and deserving none whatsoever of the honor which nations attach to their soldiers, and for deserving quite the opposite of honor.) Mostly, I�m just grateful, and couldn�t be otherwise. All these MB principles are worth their weight in gold, but unless TWC had seen her way to forgive me, I�d be out on my [censored], alright. That forgiveness is a mystery I may not ever get my arms & brain all the way around, but I�ll take it.

This morning, my wife e-mailed me this:
�Hello, my love. It's January 7th and it's just another day: no sadness, no triggers, just a day when I am in love with my husband and so very thankful for him in my life.�

Can you believe that? Just an ordinary day.
I don't deserve it, but you bet I'll take it.

Snooping = discovery of truth = chance of recovery !

Even if the other betrayed spouse did the snooping ... hurray

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Encouraging words about the difficulties of marriage recovery.


Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Dad, I can't give you timing or anything like that, but I can give you an idea of what to expect.

The hardest part of the fight is now over. The A has ended, and you are moving towards recovery. As Pep would say; it's a direction not a destination. If you are a man of faith, consider it like securing your spot in heaven; the things you have learned must be adhered to for the rest of your life - you will fail sometimes, but then you have to get back on the path.

So, with the hardest part of the journey out of the way, you will now embark on the longest part of the journey.

The first leg is tough. You are now going to be able to begin progressing through the grieving process. You cannot "get over it," go around it, go above it, slink under it. You have to go through it.

If I get some time this weekend, I'll dig up some stuff on grieving so that you can reflect on that and make sense of some of this part of the roller coaster.

The roller coaster of recovery along with the roller coaster of grief is a wild ride.

6 months, a year... however long it takes, eventually you will sort it out and come out of grieving. However, you will still be on the coaster.

Chin up, though! Without the complication of grief, the recovery coaster is a tad more mild. Like a "mad mouse" coaster versus a super-coaster.

The solution is to remain vigilant in your new MB-led lifestyle - keep up UA, KEEP UP RH, keep up PoJA.

At times, you are going to retract, you are going to hit these moments of pain, anger, bitterness... you are going to get indifferent, or want to withdraw.

Fight that.

In those moments, imagine yourself encased in in a protective shell - you are alone in the dark, and you are starving. You can see shafts of light shining through the cracks.

At these times, your FWW, and the way she has tried to pick up the rope and share the load, is going to be your life-saver.

Meeting your needs, EP's, RH on her part is going to be like tossing handfuls of rice at the shell to nourish you. Copious amounts will be lost. However, some grains will slip through the cracks, and that is what you will need to sustain yourself.

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO WITHDRAW.


"The solution is to remain vigilant in your new MB-led lifestyle - keep up UA, KEEP UP RH, keep up PoJA."


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Dr. Pepperband tells many of us what is wrong with us, saving thousands of dollars in therapy and years of work on a shrink's couch:

Originally Posted by Pepperband
I can help .....

Quote
I need to figure out what is wrong with me.

You are selfish and self focused.
You are also lazy.
You are dishonest.
You prefer a quick fix.


OK. That's settled.
Now you know what is "wrong" with you.

SO WHAT?????

Is your life better?
Does your beautiful, shy, introverted wife feel better now that you have been properly labeled?

There is marriage work to do, and yet, you are selfishly determined to continue your self-absorbed navel gazing while your wife dies a death of a thousand cuts.

Stop being selfish and lazy.

Now, your "What's wrong with me" dramaqueen .... whining is OVER & OUT.

RIGHT?
[Linked Image from modernservantleader.com]

here

The thing I like about this place is that I might learn how to grow up, here.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
Dr. Pepperband tells many of us what is wrong with us, saving thousands of dollars in therapy and years of work on a shrink's couch

And if that doesn't work, My Pink Fluffy Kitty Schmoopie, MelodyHell'sComingWithMeLane will shoot you after running you over with her SUV.

Your choice.


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don't make me bust a cap on you, pepperband!! rant2

Here is another Pepperband classic that has to be saved!

Pepperband[Linked Image from blogsoma.net]

Look - if you think that going to "therapy" to discover if you have some sort of "pathology" .... you are proving just how selfish you really are.

Here is what you should be asking this forum:

"What can I do to help my wife and my marriage?"

This is where you are currently going .....


What can I do to delay the hard work?
How can I get a disease label which excuses me from my lazy selfish choices?


You are not a victim.
Quit whining.




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Daisy
At the core for me, it seems to have more to do with no longer feeling cherished and sacred -- dishonored in such a way that I find it extremely difficult to respect and admire a man who showed so much contempt, abuse, and deceit...and yet, still wishes to be washed of it, to be nurtured, and have his needs met,..if not better than before. I know,...this is my taker,...but, it is now my source of protection.

The husband is the leader; the one who sets the pulse and the course of the relationship. He is the protector and provider -- the landowner. The wife is the caretaker, the gardener, the nurturer, and the receiver; showing love through commitment, fidelity, and respect...if what she is given is honorable and to be respected. The wife is be cherished and to be treated as sacred by the husband; she must feel safe enough with him to open herself to him,...to give to him. I firmly believe that a husband must earn his right to the woman. To win her and keep her, he must be strong, he must be able to protect her, have good fences in the garden, good soil for her to cultivate, so she can keep things growing, fertile, tended, and healthy,... and for her to possess beauty and show a smile on her face in his presence....and admire him.

My H didn't show strength or protection. He allowed the foundations of the garden to deteriorate -- leaving me to fix the fences and plow the soil on my own. He abandoned me and the family. He showed a lack of decent boundaries, cowardice, weakness, disregard,... essentially stealing from us by giving what was ours/mine to a dangerous stranger. He showed extreme, abusive, cruelty with how he went about it -- the lies, the deceit, the emotional manipulations; as if he enjoyed being cruel, selfish, and contemptuous.

He did all of this in the midst of me still cultivating and nurturing --- on my own! What is there for me to respect in that? How was I to feel cherished and sacred in that?

I realize I am going on my own tangent, here,....but this, I believe, it very much how a BW feels when trying to recover from a H's betrayal.

She doesn't feel safe....compelled to relocate the feeling of protection and sacredness she felt with the man she married and find it in a place within herself, instead. I'm not saying it's right,....it's just the compulsion and feelings that come about from a H's betrayal.


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Originally Posted by schoolbus
mirror,

Let's say you decide to divorce your wife. What can you expect to go through?

You will experience a rollercoaster of emotions. For the first few days and weeks after d-day (the day you discovered the affair), you will have moment-to-moment emotional swings the likes of which you have never before encountered in your life.

Your mood will go from crying, to melancholy, to zoned-out, to desperation, to panic, to hopeful, to elation, to anger, to resentment, to depression, to mania, to despair, and back again - and all in the course of an hour sometimes.

One day can seem like an eternity, and the next can fly by so fast you didn't realize it happened. You might feel like you are losing your mind, because your wayward spouse can say something that sounds almost logical, yet you know it is a lie - but you want to believe it. Inside your heart, you know that your WS is "in there" somewhere, and you might get glimpses of that person you once knew, and when you do you so desire to trust that glimpse, and then the rug is pulled out from under you again. You see what you believe is truth, you don't trust it, you forget things, you look back over your past and wonder "was that REAL, or was that fake?".

As the weeks go by, you find out enough information about the affair that you begin to piece your world back together, at least some of it. You wonder if what you know is true. You wonder if you should reconcile, or if you should walk away. You want to reconcile some of the time, and at other times you think you should throw in the towel and just be done with the whole darn mess. Maybe everyone would be better off if the marriage was over. Five minutes later, or the next day, you wonder what you were thinking, and you believe that the marriage should be recovered, and start thinking about ways to work on that.

After three months or so, you wonder about how the marriage ended up where it was. That initial shock is over, and you have figured out that the blame for the affair itself really isn't on the betrayed spouse - it belongs to the WS. Some of the pieces of the marital problems belong to the BS, others to the WS. You begin to pick up the pieces that belong to you.

As the months pass, you hit the six month mark, and around then you begin to be angry again. You get good and mad, because as a BS, you wonder why YOU have to deal with the fallout of the affair, you have to deal with the pain, and why the WAYWARD seems to go along, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA and seems to just skate away unscathed?????? How does this happen, after the nuclear bomb that WS dropped in the marriage?????

And the rollercoaster of emotions seems to have hills and valleys still, but they are not moment-to-moment, but more like you have up days and down days, or perhaps weekly. Maybe certain things trigger you, perhaps that restaurant you know the affair couple went to, or that shirt you know the WS wore on the movie date that one night when they said they were going to work late.

You hate movies, or you are more careful about choosing them, because you now realize just how many of them have affair themes, affairs included in the plots, or have jokes about affair sex or casual affair scenes in them.

You lose many friends, because you just do not want to deal with people who are cheating on their spouses, or in affair marriages (affairages). You can't hang out with them anymore, because it makes you hurt to the very core of your soul. From your own lips, you hear yourself cursing movie stars and others who openly and cavalierly betray their marriages.

There is a pain you carry, deep inside your body. The pain does not leave you. When you awaken in the morning, it is there before you open your eyes, and greets you as your first thought: "Your spouse betrayed you. You still feel this hurt, and it is embedded in your soul. Some of the pain has been shaved away overnight, but not so much that you might feel the difference." When you close your eyes at night, you know that thought will be your last: "Try to sleep, your love has killed your heart, it hurts........."

And in your dreams, you know that the pain will also echo there.


Know that this will be the scenario, for about two years. The pain and the mood swings and the triggers - they fade over time. They do. It takes time, and work, to get yourself to the point where you can go to sleep and wake up and it NOT be your last thought and your first thought. It does change over time.


About two years, if you decide to divorce your wife.
That means, she will not be there to help you get through this. You are on your own.



Now, if you decide to recover your marriage?????


Same scenario as above. Because the emotional deal is the SAME, either way. You will still hurt. There is no getting around that. You will still have to go through the recovery cycle.

The difference is that if you divorce, you deal with the court issues, separating "stuff", legal paperwork, attorneys, money/finances, all of that. And you do it alone.

My advice is for you NOT to decide on divorce for at least six months. Mainly because you will change your mind so many times between now and then - just because of the rollercoaster ride. And if you do decide to divorce six months from now, there would be a more thoroughly though-out decision made at that point. At least that works in your favor, and allows things to cool off.


If you remain married, you work on your issues as a couple. Your wife and you focus on what went wrong, fulfilling your emotional needs together, she works on making restitution to you, you rebuild the marriage as a new one with the rules you jointly create to protect it from affairs in a better way. MB gives you the plans.



But either way, it is a long, hard road to recover from what has happened. You have a difficult choice to make.

My husband has had five affairs (of varied types), and I had a one-night stand (over 35 years ago). We are recovered. It IS possible to repair a marriage, to fall in love again, and to make your relationship work. Start with the foundation of love, and rebuild from there. I am not saying it is EASY. Worthwhile things are seldom easy.

But they are worthwhile.


Schoolbus

Here is a link to the original thread !

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AMEN!!

I've had that same opinion for quite some time!!

So your "Self Esteem" is low.......GET OVER IT!!......show some SELF RESPECT!!!!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Wonderful post, I'll mail this to my husband, hope he can think & understand. thanks.

Originally Posted by Pepperband
Just mentioning that alliteration in the wrong hands can be a dangerous thing!

anywho ... the following is written by Mr Wondering .... and I liked it too much to have it buried on another thread

here 'tis:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the Foggy;
Foggy is not a bad word. It's merely an assesment by those that have come before you of your current position. I've been foggy, Mrs. Wonderings has been foggy...almost everyone here has been foggy at one point or another dealing with this mess. The term is thrown around here quite often as a way to say "come on, think about what you are saying/arguing...you are so close to processing this and you just refuse". We also want to make clear to newbies that your advice, statements, arguments, questions should be, in our opinions "caveated" (if thats a word) and/or disregarded as your perspective is not YET in alignment with the principles here on MB.
We are not condemning you to a lifetime of fogginess (though I am certain some remain there). We are hopeful that your perspective will change and become more healthy. By sticking around and continuing with these debates seeds of clarity ARE certainly being planted. So keep going but try not to take offense to us so easily for one day you will be us, no kidding. We are thankful MB has provided the forum for your (and our) development as we ALL put our minds around this momentus event that occured in all our lives. MB, really is the best infidelity recovery program known today. I don't think I could improve it and I really don't see how one fresh out of an affair could even conceive of improving it, but I understand how the fogginess makes one try.
When Mrs. Wondering and I first arrived (I read first but she initiated us posting), she and I both poked fun at the cult like attitudes that were being presented to us. We too thought some of the methods were being portrayed to rigidly and were QUESTIONABLE, to say the least. We thought we could swath our own path. We WERE foggy then so we completely understand and SEE where you all are coming from now. No worries, we love ya anyway.
On the other hand, I have a sneeking suspicion that 1 or more of you may be other than you say you are. Celt, in particular, strikes me as potentially a full blown WS, a WS that is now divorced or an OP. Come on, a year recovered BS that thinks exposure is a bad thing, continual posts on every exposure thread here debating intricacies which are quite clear and is proud of the fact he "saved" his wife's reputation by not exposing her affair. I'm a BS that didn't expose and "saved" my wifes reputation but WE (the Mrs. and I) see absolutely clearly I should have exposed at least to her parents and the single OM's family. It would likely have cut weeks off her 3 month affair. Accordingly, we now consistently encourage others to do FULL exposure in accordance with MB principles. In my opinion, Celt's posts appear specifically designed to stir the pot, distract us from our intended purpose (of helping real couples afflicted by infidelty), play on newbie BS fears, and pointedly attack Melody Lane as she IS one of the many but perhaps the most outspoken "affair buster" superhero. I don't know if this is a concerted organized attack on MB or a personal vendetta against Melody Lane and/or MB...but I suspect it, nonetheless. Sfjaj, a few others and even you Cookie I suspect. Not an accusation, just a suspicion. But then again, I am a conspiracist. I'd investigate myself if I thought I'd find anything.
On the other hand, we have recently had a handful of WW's show up. Last June when I arrived I only saw a few WW's regularly posting and when a new WW arrived they were usually an island of dissent/fogginess and rarely got support and thus rarely swam against the stream for long on the board. However, with so many arriving at nearly the same time the foggy have been recently embolden to post their opinions and advice regardless of the fact they are mistaken and contrary to solid MB principles. Notice I am not saying they are wrong, IMO they are just not of the proper perspective YET to internalize the brillance of the MB program and ALL its components so they question the PROFESSIONALLY designed, TRIED and TESTED narrow MB path. It doesn't help that they have since been told that their "opinions" no matter how fogged out are somehow valuable and should be respected. I guess we all do really in essence respect the opinion; but, recognize and point it out for what it is, foggy, so that newbies are hopefully not distracted. We respect the foggy individuals as what they are and as they post here PROCESSING what they need to process to become healthy again, whether individually, as a marital partner or as a divorcee. We all are here rooting for you all to fully get it.
BTW, we are still foggy ouyselves on some issues including in particular conflict avoidance. We are trying to learn and get better but its tough to break old engrained habits. The difference is, I would not begin to tell, question or advise people, how to address their conflict avoidance issues, let alone in opposition to the stated professional principles, until I had at least got a handle on my own.
Foggy is NOT a put down, it's who you are and who I am. I believe us to be at differing levels of fogginess, but, I guess, thats just my opinion. I wish you all a succesful journey...we really do want to see you on the other side of these arguments and healthy/healthier one day.
Mr. Wondering


Me (BW): 45
WH: 45
Married: 18 years, relationship: 20 years
One way EA: 6 Month
D-Day: 09/21/2011
WH Want to stay & commit to MB: 12/27/2011

My Story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...447#Post2557447


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THIS is MelodyLane's example of how marital sacrifice begets incompatibility and diminishes love within the marriage.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Marriage Builders suggests a third way: doing things you both like. For example, if he hates horror movies, that wouldn't be a good idea to ask him to go to a horror movie because that would be sacrifice. He would just be miserable. Compromise, ie: win/lose, is how couples create incompatibility. So no, he shouldn't have been willing to try things he knows he hates.

Here is an example of what I mean:

I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.

Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.

This is called sacrifice. And it leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.

The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.

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The carrot? The egg? The coffee bean? Which are you?
- Post by Wulffpack_girl


Originally Posted by wulffpack_girl
Fluffy, I have been following your thread and felt compelled to post, because I�ve been where you are at�actually, I am still where you are at. I understand the pain you feel. I wake up every morning with the knowledge that I ruined my life, and received nothing in return.

Your BH may be done, he may not. We can�t know the answer to that. Honestly, he probably doesn�t know the answer to that, and may not for some time to come. GO is right, you certainly can�t pressure him for a decision. It�s his right to end the marriage. You and I gave our H�s gold-plated �get out of marriage free� cards. So what CAN you do?

You can work on your side of the street. You can be serious about the changes you want to make in yourself. You can try to figure out what your BH�s top EN�s are, and try to meet them from afar. I doubt he despises more about your personality than he loves, or he never would have married you in the first place.

I saw a little anecdote the other day:
Originally Posted by Which are you?
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her abo...ut her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

. . .For when I am weak, then am I strong.
see - 2 Corinthians 12:10

It made me think�and although unfortunately I believe that I am the egg, you have a choice to make for yourself, dear heart. If you truly want to be the woman � and possibly the wife � you are meant to be, if I were you, I�d #1, pack my things and move back closer to BH. He may still decide to divorce you, but 110 miles away from him is nowhere near where you need to be for him to see the changes you are making in your life. #2, I�d take his email and in response, write him a love letter. I don�t mean full of hearts and rainbows and empty promises. I mean what you�ve gained from MB thus far. That you understand that in the past, you weren�t the wife you should have been. Of course you were selfish and blamed others � you were wayward. That you failed to care for your BH and you failed to protect him. Few of us actually enter into marriage knowing how to make a truly good marriage. Armed with MB, you now have the tools to do so.

But the one thing you can�t do is to refuse to make changes�because we were wayward, there is something fundamentally broken within us and we have to address our flaws and shortcomings or risk remaining a wayward forever. I may not have the love of my husband anymore, but I am not the same woman I was in 2009.

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Pep,

I hope you don't mind if I post this here. Thanks in advance.

Originally Posted by Mortarman
Sounds like you are doing the battle plan. So, let me just nibble around the edges.

As I eluded to above, make sure you include taking care of you. Remember, the first rule of combat is "take care of yourself." Why? Because if you dont, then you are no good to anyone else. Your kids (and maybe even your WW) are counting on you to be there. So, make sure you do tyhe little things that take care of you.

Second, you might want to shorten your prayers. Jesus sees you. He is standing right there with you. The betrayal you feel, He feels also...because your wife has not only betrayed you, she has betrayed Him. He weeps as you do.

Instead, my prayers got shorter as time went on...well, let me clarify that. I talk to Jesus constantly. That is the relationship part of the two of us. But when I say I shortened my prayers, I mean that I stopped with the laundry list of requests. He knows what I need.

All I ask now is two things. Number one is that His will be done, not mine. And number two, that he shows me walls and doors. Walls and doors are nothing but this...

In the Bible, it says that He is a lamp unto our feet. What does that mean? Well, in that day, the lamp they were talking about was a lamp with a candle in it...illuminating the path of a traveller at night. Well, how far does a candle illuminate? Not too far! Maybe a few steps in front of you.

But I have NO IDEA what lies down the road. It might be a dead end. It might be a cliff. I have no clue. And that is the point! When I pray "walls and doors," I am saying to Him "Jesus, I can only see a few steps in front. I am trusting you. So, I will pray for you to show me walls and doors. If the path I am on, if the decision I am making is not YOUR will, then please put a wall in front of me so I dont go over the cliff. If it is your will, then show me a door to go through."

Since I have done that...since I have relinguished my will to control my path...guess what? I have gotten walls and doors.

So, when I have designs to do something...but then it just seems to be getting harder and harder to do...and I cant get it done...I look up and ask "is this a wall?" And I quickly find out that even though I wanted to do this thing, it wasnt His will. And so I thank him, make a left or right face (or even an about face sometimes)...and we continue.

My relationship with Christ is one of beginnings. He walks with me. At times I stumble. But instead of laughing at me, or admonishing me, He just reaches down, picks me up, dusts me off...and we begin again. One foot in front of the other.

This is where you need to get to. You CANNOT control what is going on in the foxhole next to you. All you can do is concentrate on what is between your sector stakes...and let God handle the rest.

One last thing...my favorite general of all time once said "Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain." General Robert E. Lee

You are about to become VERY wise.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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