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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
And again on my thread where i choose to keep it real.

Ever see the Dave Chappell show segment "when keepin' it real goes bad?"

It is a hilarious piece but the point he makes is that keeping it real can go way out of bounds ending up in tragedy it you keep it �too real�. ie..Taking it to the extreme. Something to think about.

I know Dr Harley has spoken often about the level of betrayal and how each BS reacts and how it affects R. Yours is one of the worst I have seen.

Man, I feel your pain. Letting go and moving on is so friggin hard� For me, hanging on to the past is in no one's best interest especially my own.


Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/17/13 01:26 PM.
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Originally Posted by Wow777
Keepin it real brotha. You sometimes write the thoughts that are going on in my head. Thats kinda freaky sometimes but tells me I'm not alone.

I too struggle with poor MB application. 4 months out from D-Day and I'm still having dreams of what they did together. Some days it gets stuffed into the abyss and others it percolates on top. I'm not having AO's but I do prefer to be alone sometimes so she doesn't have to deal with my moods.

Take yesterday for instance. It was a bad stuffing day and the pain, anger and loss just boiled on the top of everything I did. WW asked me if there was a trigger that she could watch out for and avoid. I thought that was awesome but truthfully, the answer was no. The pain is always there. I've come to realize that I'm in the pit of hell because I haven't actually made the decision, or should I say committed to one, to either stay or go.


Dude..you are not alone. Not by a long shot. With ya..

Keep telling myself 2-5 years, 2-5 years, 2-5 years. Hope this eases up for you as it has for me at 1.5 years my fiend.

Patience has been my biggest friend and enemy at the same time.

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Originally Posted by 20YearHistory
Originally Posted by Wow777
Keepin it real brotha. You sometimes write the thoughts that are going on in my head. Thats kinda freaky sometimes but tells me I'm not alone.

I too struggle with poor MB application. 4 months out from D-Day and I'm still having dreams of what they did together. Some days it gets stuffed into the abyss and others it percolates on top. I'm not having AO's but I do prefer to be alone sometimes so she doesn't have to deal with my moods.

Take yesterday for instance. It was a bad stuffing day and the pain, anger and loss just boiled on the top of everything I did. WW asked me if there was a trigger that she could watch out for and avoid. I thought that was awesome but truthfully, the answer was no. The pain is always there. I've come to realize that I'm in the pit of hell because I haven't actually made the decision, or should I say committed to one, to either stay or go.


Dude..you are not alone. Not by a long shot. With ya..

Keep telling myself 2-5 years, 2-5 years, 2-5 years. Hope this eases up for you as it has for me at 1.5 years my fiend.

Patience has been my biggest friend and enemy at the same time.

But I think people should be careful not to fall into the trap of believing "time heals all wounds." Time does not heal wounds that are not cleaned and treated. Instead, gangrene sets in.

So action is required. And the best thing we can do as a board is, to spur people to ACTION. That's why we should make them uncomfortable when they blog day in and day out without taking the actions that lead to recovery. Depression gets people stuck in a hole. We can do a lot to get them out of it. But not if they believe that things will somehow be better tomorrow.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
So action is required. And the best thing we can do as a board is, to spur people to ACTION. That's why we should make them uncomfortable when they blog day in and day out without taking the actions that lead to recovery. Depression gets people stuck in a hole. We can do a lot to get them out of it. But not if they believe that things will somehow be better tomorrow.

Completely agree. Action for me was to force myself mentally to not dwell on the past--Hardest aspect by far. Have fun with my W. Go places. Enjoy each other. Create new memories. Focus on EP's and meeting EN's. Taking any opportunity I can to feel close to her. Get our UA time (which is difficult).

I practice letting things go in my day to day life and it has helped me in our R. For example things that I used to hold onto now I just resolve and let them go like issues at work or anything that crosses my path. Just trying to not hold any resentment in my heart about anything. It has really helped me to make these new habits.


Resentment is fading away and I am falling back in love with her because of this action. I know we still have a long way to go but on the right track by taking action.


Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/17/13 01:45 PM.
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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Until a BS understands that a WS' punishment is living with what they have done TO THEMSELVES is worse than anything the BS can do to them, recovery and marital happiness CANNOT happen.


Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
And i know full well its not conducive to recovery.

Do you want some help recovering?

Quote
Such is a reason i write it: the irony of knowing what is wrong yet not being able to understand it.

Did you read my post above?


I understand what MSS said.

I do not see where you got the understanding that you did. Not a match to what MSS said.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
I understand what MSS said.

I do not see where you got the understanding that you did. Not a match to what MSS said.

Thanks.


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We invite over 3 of her best friends and husbands for her birthday last. No kids. I cook, everythinhg Is going great. None of these people know about her affair.

After cake the on conversation turns to that tv show What Would You Do? And the topic, of course, is if you knew your neighbor was cheating on his wife, your good friend, what would you do?

Needless to a major anxiety event set it and as of 8:30 this morning I haven't said a word to her since.

Her a is the gift that keeps on giving.


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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
We invite over 3 of her best friends and husbands for her birthday last. No kids. I cook, everythinhg Is going great. None of these people know about her affair.

After cake the on conversation turns to that tv show What Would You Do? And the topic, of course, is if you knew your neighbor was cheating on his wife, your good friend, what would you do?

Needless to a major anxiety event set it and as of 8:30 this morning I haven't said a word to her since.

Her a is the gift that keeps on giving.

There is wallowings then there is the MSS wallowing where you hold your breath and jump in head first, submerge, hold you breath to you pass out wallowing.

After all this time on MB and you did not have an answer?

I would of used the opportunity and welcomed it to state my position on exposure and the right for the BS to know.

Also your WW should of done the same. Matter of fact both of you could of stated your beliefs without having to blow the cover on your WW's affair.

So how did you respond to the question at this party?

How did your WW respond to the question?

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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
We invite over 3 of her best friends and husbands for her birthday last. No kids. I cook, everythinhg Is going great. None of these people know about her affair.

After cake the on conversation turns to that tv show What Would You Do? And the topic, of course, is if you knew your neighbor was cheating on his wife, your good friend, what would you do?

Needless to a major anxiety event set it and as of 8:30 this morning I haven't said a word to her since.

Her a is the gift that keeps on giving.




HEY, LUNKHEAD! AFFAIRS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE EVERY DAY! PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOU! YOU ARE GOING TO ENCOUNTER IT! QUIT FREAKING USING EVERY ENCOUNTER AS AN EXCUSE TO PUNISH YOUR WIFE, WHOM YOU EVEN STATE HAS BEEN DOING EVERYTHING EXPECTED FOR RECOVERY!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Needless to a major anxiety event set it and as of 8:30 this morning I haven't said a word to her since.

Her a is the gift that keeps on giving.

Have you ever considered using Marriage Builders or are you just here to blog your lovebusting behavior? Do you want your wife to be in love with you? Or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.
Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Needless to a major anxiety event set it and as of 8:30 this morning I haven't said a word to her since.

Her a is the gift that keeps on giving.

Have you ever considered using Marriage Builders or are you just here to blog your lovebusting behavior? Do you want your wife to be in love with you? Or not?


Nope, we're done. Speaking to lawyers this week. We agreed that I'm not able to live with whats happened or even be near her. I look for every opportunity to start trouble.

An 8-year affair is something I'm not willing, able, or interested in forgiving. Her remorse is genuine but I'm sure whoever put the iceberg in front of the Titanic was sorry, but the ship still sank. Every song, movie, or innocent reference in conversation will bring me back to the bad old days. I dream of destroying him, that ill catch him at the bank or market and can finally bash some of his teeth. I'm basically miserable ll the time.

All my fault. I'm not strong enough to fake emotions.

With that, I'll be signing off this forum and will not be staining the good work and success others have achieved.

Good luck to all.


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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Nope, we're done. Speaking to lawyers this week. We agreed that I'm not able to live with whats happened or even be near her. I look for every opportunity to start trouble.


There is no shame in getting a divorce, Mike. That is your prerogative. And you certainly don't have to leave the forum!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Needless to a major anxiety event set it and as of 8:30 this morning I haven't said a word to her since.

Her a is the gift that keeps on giving.

Have you ever considered using Marriage Builders or are you just here to blog your lovebusting behavior? Do you want your wife to be in love with you? Or not?


Nope, we're done. Speaking to lawyers this week. We agreed that I'm not able to live with whats happened or even be near her. I look for every opportunity to start trouble.

An 8-year affair is something I'm not willing, able, or interested in forgiving. Her remorse is genuine but I'm sure whoever put the iceberg in front of the Titanic was sorry, but the ship still sank. Every song, movie, or innocent reference in conversation will bring me back to the bad old days. I dream of destroying him, that ill catch him at the bank or market and can finally bash some of his teeth. I'm basically miserable ll the time.

All my fault. I'm not strong enough to fake emotions.

With that, I'll be signing off this forum and will not be staining the good work and success others have achieved.

Good luck to all.


Some people can't do it. That's OK. If you can't do it, it's kinder to both your wife and yourself to divorce.


Happy trails - and remember, it's not always about recovering a marriage, sometimes it's purely a personal recovery that's a victory.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
All my fault. I'm not strong enough to fake emotions.

There is no faking emotions involved in Dr. Harley's recovery program. In fact, Radical Honesty forbids it.

Have you been under the impression all this time you were supposed to fake emotions until recovery happens? No wonder you haven't recovered.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Dude, after almost three years of support and (occasionally well-targeted) responses I think you owe me one, personally, and I'm cashing in that marker now.

Given that your future looks to include:
- NO Mrs MSS, attempting to help you heal;
- split custody/care of your children in some manner;
- radically increased living expenses providing for two homes able to accommodate the shared custody;
- knowledge that your upended life was initiated by terrible decisions by one to whom you pledged your fealty and devotion, and received hers in return, with no guarantee of improvement in any Round 2;

exactly how, in what form, do you see your life unfolding and existing in five years? Ten years?

I made this point to you almost on Day 1: Recovery in your case, with a remorseful, defogged wife, is not to be rated as altruistic. It should have been managed as a selfish exercise for your own good. I thought you accepted and understood that concept.

Yeah, you're occasionally miserable today, married. Without a plan of improvement you are on a track to be miserable in the future, divorced.

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We agreed that I'm not able to live with whats happened or even be near her. I look for every opportunity to start trouble.
I think you both are wise to cut your losses and end this. Not every success story is a recovered marriage. You gave it your best shot. It didn't work. No one can fault your for that.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I only know this much, my path today is littered with my wife being someones girlfriend with all the associated perks. Cannot shake any of it. It is solely due to the sheer lenghth of time she opted for the life. It was less of a conscious decision and more of a lifestyle she saw little problem in maintaining. I will never be able to forgive her for that.
Not sure how to pretend what she did doesn't eat me alive everyday.

I frequently wonder why she would want post dday me. I've changed very little except a major depression disorder.

Last edited by MikeStillSmiling; 05/28/13 04:31 PM.

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I frequently wonder why she would want post dday me.
Why don't you ask her?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
I only know this much, my path today is littered with my wife being someones girlfriend with all the associated perks. Cannot shake any of it. It is solely due to the sheer lenghth of time she opted for the life. It was less of a conscious decision and more of a lifestyle she saw little problem in maintaining. I will never be able to forgive her for that.
Not sure how to pretend what she did doesn't eat me alive everyday.

I frequently wonder why she would want post dday me. I've changed very little except a major depression disorder.

Best of luck in your life MSS. Truthfully, I don't blame you one single bit. As gut wrenching as it must be for you. My situation isn't nearly drastic as what your W has put you through and can't imagine attempting R in your shoes...really.

Peace Man. Stay Strong.

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