Found out 3 weeks ago about the affair. Been going for 4 yrs, right under our noses. Married in 2002, she began affair in 2009, so she's been sleeping with 'friend' for 4 out of 11 years.

Since I busted her (one week after I had proof), she has insisted she wants a divorce and get into mediation straight away. But we have 9-yr girl and 7-yr boy, and we're stuck with the house for the whole school year (through May 2014 - don't ask.

We met with a counselor last week for the purpose of getting an opinion on what to say to the children. But I jumped into the Plan B letter and requested she leave the house until she stops seing him.

.Counselor said "Better know what you're going to do (separation, divorce, living arrangements, decide on visitation, etc) before telling them. Counselor and my own individual counselor says, "Hard to find a good benefit to telling the kids "Mommy is committing adultery" or "Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore".

Friday morn, she told me, "I'm not moving out - I'm just oging to take the upstairs bedroom. And you have no legal right to get me out." I said, "then you can't see him any more." And she just laughs "You can't make me".

So tomorrow afternoon, we see this counselor again. I'm going to hope the counselor (who was very tough last week on the cheating spouse) may help me persuade her to move out, just so she can be with him. My point is that her actions of 4 years and running are due some consequences. She is defiantly going to see him, and I'm buying the milk (providing the home and care for our children), yet someone else is getting to drink that milk. I'm basically going to tell her that if she doesn't comply and move out) then I will let her tell the kids that she is divorcing me and that the reason is because she's sleeping with the OM

She is adamant about seeing the OM (addicted.) and getting a divorce. Plan A was never an option. Plan B awwma rhw only way.

I need help to figure out if its okay to tell the kids, "Mommy decided to forget about Daddy and find someone else."

I really really really want to tell the kids all truth, but other advice says, "you probably shouldn't if you want them protected as much as possible."





Wife also now says, "I'm

If I go ahead and tell the kids by myself with Grandpa present, I know my wife will be pissed, but we will tell the truth and not let the kids think that in any way they caused it or that we don't love them. Rather, we would affirm all that, and just keep the truth simple. They know their commandments and know what adultery is. I'm thinking about simply threatening that when trying to get her out of the house. But the other threat (mentioned before) was that SHE has to tell the kids why she's going to sleep upstairs and why daddy says it's too painful to talk to or look at her.

Been three weeks now - OM told his wife of 26 years he's done and wants a divorce (he has cheated on her before 2 times in the last 4 years and I don't think my wife knew about it). He's 52 and my wife is a young-looking healthy 40. They have been exposed to all family and close friends. Nobody (except for a couple of OM's guy friends who have cheated and divorced themselves) condones or supports what they are doing. Just our two little ones don't know. But the problem is that my wife wants to just tell the kids "We don't get along and can't fix it. That's why mommy sleeps upstairs now and why we're not spending any time together"

Monday at the counselor, I aim to approach it like "you may have a legal right to stay in the home, but you gave up your moral right to stay here with every day that went by for 4 years that you made the choice to continue seeing this guy and not go to a counselor to say "What have I done? How do I tell my husband?"
The only reason we are where we are is because I got extra suspicious and busted them. I only got extra suspicious because two weeks prior I asked where she had been and she decided to unleash a fury of "you were never there for me - we can't work out - your fault - I'm done - no marital counseling - no we can't have any sex any more because I'm not ready" trying to make me feel like dirt and give her even more space.

Dr Harley strongly encourages betrayed spouses to expose the affair to the children.
Why lie to your kids?

Hi Ar2kids, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is not a good idea to lie to your kids. Kids are not made happy or secure by lies and illusions. Dr Harley would advise you sit them down ALONE and tell them all about their mothers affair.

Additionally, the affair should be exposed BY YOU to all your family and friends, the OM's family and friends and the workplace if this is a workplace affair. Please read the thread linked in my signature. I would suggest you PERSONALLY contact the OM's wife and all his family. SEnd out exposure letters to his facebook friends.

Dr. Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children:

here



here

here

Don't make threats, just tell your kids ALONE and get this done now. Hire an attorney, file on grounds of adultery if you can and get her out.

When you say you want to go into Plan B, what do you mean? WHY do you want to go into Plan B? Because you have decided to end the marriage?

I would echo MelodyLane and others in suggesting you expose to the kids. I also have a 9 and 7 year old, and told them about WW's affair almost a month ago. They understood and were obviously upset, though as others have said it is the affair that is to blame. My 9 year old spoke with my WW later that day and that was one of the things that ultimately led to WW agreeing to end the affair. Your results may vary of course. My 9 and 7 year old are doing fine now.

You don't seem to understand Plan B.

It is not to tell WW that she can't come back until she dumps OM.

Plan B is when YOU will not be part of the drama of your WW having a relationship with another person. It is when YOU decide that you are willing to be done with the marriage but will be open to recovering the marriage if the affair ever does end.

Plan B is more about you getting to the juncture where you no longer actively (Plan A) are trying to lure your wayward wife back towards you.

Plan A is being firm but kind. No love busting (read the concepts on the link at the top of the page).

Read this if you haven't already done so.....
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Thank you so much, Jedi, Melody, Plus & reading.

Hmmm...I'm pretty sure I am at plan B, though I may not have articulated it well.

I am willing to be done with the marriage (and a lot of me tells me that 4 years of this charade is just too much to forgive, although I know that God works miracles).

I'm just trying to get WW to end affair with OM ASAP so she will start thinking straight - if not for the marriage, but at least so she's thinking right when it comes to the children. The affair is an addiction, and she is sick and not thinking straight, because she has compartmentalized it for so long. Now WW wants to keep status quo and see OM, but with only two minor changes: 1) WW sleeps upstairs and no longer fakes like she loves me, and 2) tell the kids some lame crap why we're sleeping separate and that we will eventually get divorced.

I will not tolerate her to live under the roof that I've provided for the last 7 years and still continue the relationship with OM. However, there are no courts in CA that will enforce that. CA is a no-fault-divorce state and the courts will just chop everything in half. The only way legally to get her out of the house is to have a court order that we sell it - and then we're both out (as are the kids).

So I either stand my ground in the house and try to guilt/cajole/persuade her out (with the help of the counselor, perhaps). Or I move out - but isn't moving out telling the kids that I've given up on them? (I suppose not if I tell them the true and real reason why.)

There is this attempt to "keep things stable for the kids", but nothing will remain stable as long as she's cheating.

Last thing is that I've already promised that I would not tell the children anything unless WW and I are both with them together. And WW made the same promise.

Any suggestions as to what to tell the children - on my own or with my supportive father-in-law (I think if he is there, it adds to their trust).

All of OM kids, family, friends now know, and so do most of our friends, all family except kids.

I have 3 young kids and I told that I all of my children that their mother is having an affair this is what Harley Dr recommends and I strongly encourage you to sit down with your children and say mommy is having an affair with John Doe I love mommy I would like to work on our marriage but mommy wants is having an affair and it's breaking up our family.

I also have to I I was unable to throw my wife out of the house she stayed with us during her affair for about 6 months during that time I was in plan a and it was very difficult but I remain can plan a and immediately following divorce I initiated no contact with her because she chose to leave the house if that aided me and gaining custody of our children so above all do not leave your house and I would encourage you to go in to plan a if you cannot get her out of the house.

regarding plan B Dr Harley states the purpose of plan B is to stop meeting the emotional needs of the wayward spouse so that in doing so you are forcing her to fair partner to then meet all of your needs right now he may be meeting one or two needs while your meeting other needs and this would force him to meet all of her needs and plan B is you don't speak to the person ; you don't talk to them; you have no direct communication with them whatsoever.

I encourage you to obtain Dr hardly spoke surviving an affair it is available on Amazon local bookstores and it can give you a very a good information about how to proceed with plan a or plan be a doctor Harley would encourage you to be in either plan a or plan be and if you're living with her he would probably encourage you to plan a

The first thing you should do is BREAK that promise. [without telling her in advance] Your wife being there will muddy the waters and just cause more confusion. The only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. Don't add more drama to the situation by bringing her into the equation. Just tell the kids and get this over with.

You need to tell them ALONE [perhaps FIL can be there if he won't interfere] without forewarning your wife. Sit them down and explain that your wife is committing adultery with Joe Blow [give them the full name]. Tell them why adultery is immoral and how much it hurts you. Tell them you will do everything in your power to end her affair and save the marriage.

What you should do is execute a strategic, nuclear exposure TODAY and TOMORROW. Use the techniques outlined on my exposure thread.


Who told whom WHAT? If you didn't tell these people yourself then it is not exposed. Have you spoken to the OM's wife and parents? Is this a workplace affair?

Your first steps should be to expose this affair wide and far and then DEMAND that she end it immediately. Go pay a visit to this RAT and tell him there is no future for him wiht your wife becasue he will be eternally hated by the inlaws and your children.

And also, you don't move out. You strive to kill the affair.

Also, Plan B can't be done while living the same house anyway. So just place all your focus on killing the affair and doing an excellent Plan A. No fighting, no lovebusting!!

Great to hear! Thanks for the great advice!

So you're saying that if I can't get her out, and she's still in the affair, to still use Plan A for 8 months? (That's when we will likely be putting the house up for sale. We are in a home-school group and we use the house for classes. Committed to about 25 families for the school year through May. If I broke it off now, those families would also be hurt because of the affair. maybe that is leverage??)

I plan on telling the kids alone tomorrow. I will BREAK the bad promise.
The OM and his wife have been our pinochle-playing partners for the last 4 years. We have vacationed together (both with and without our young children) They are empty-nesters and their children are 21 and 24. So both the wife of the OM and I confronted our cheater spouses at the same time, and both the cheaters said they wanted divorces.
Sad thing is that the other wife (OS?? I'm new with these letters!) is a wonderful lady, and our young children have grown to love and trust the OS and OM. Obviously I trusted OM. But I didn't know any of this. The OS and I both have "Surviving An Affair" and we wish we had it 4-5 years ago. OM had cheated on her 2 times before and ended them (only because he had my wife still in-hand). OM has moved out and living in some colleague's guest house. I want WW to go live with him so I don't have to be a part of it.

Every WS is furious when the children are told the truth. My WxH wanted me to tell our then 9 year old son that we 'just didn't get along.' I told him the truth ALONE and it was the best thing I ever did regarding the affair/divorce.

Listen to Melody Lane and BREAK that promise you made to your WW and the counselor. Do not threaten to do it based upon any of her actions/non actions ---just DO it!.

And I absolutely would not make decisions about my life based upon commitments made to a homeschool group.

Our family homeschools. If we were doing it at your house we'd want to know sooner, rather than later. If your wife is doing any of the teaching, I would definitely want to know - I'd like the option to pull my kids away from her influence. Also, odds are that the next 8 months are going to be very traumatic in that house. The homeschool group is going to suffer whether you tell them or not. So tell them now so they can make other arrangements now at the beginning, when it's more convenient for them.

Ar2kids, who home schools these kids? Is it your wife?

And have you completely shut the OM out of your life and your home? That rat should never set foot in your home again.

It is extremely important that you do a very thorough, comprehensive exposure if you want to kill this affair. Please go read through my exposure thread and make plans. I would expose this to the other homeschool parents, the OMs children, parents and family members.

Does the OM have a Facebook page?

Was the affair taking place in your house?

Do you belong to a church and if so, has the pastor been informed?

You need to KILL the affair before you do anything else.

I know it's hard to believe, but it IS possible for you to turn this around and end up with a wonderful marriage. Since you have young children, I would encourage you to consider saving the marriage for their sake. It will be better for them, and it will be better for you financially in the long run.

Regardless of whether you want to keep the marriage, you do need to do a full exposure. This is how you kill the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and are fragile -- they cannot stand up to the pressure of public knowledge.

You are right that your wife is addicted. Remove her from her drug (OM), and she will eventually start to think more clearly.

You have a very good chance of saving this marriage through exposure and Plan A. Expose, then consider your options.