Perhaps you are correct about yourself and nothing anyone can say on this subject will change your mind, H_H, but I'm still going to choose to talk to you about it, and I hope you will listen to what I have to say.
I am a FWW. My affair was! in 2005 -- 8 years ago -- My husband and I are happily recovered. In 2005 our daughter was only 5 -- the affair lasted 3 months and it was long distance at that. Mr. W and I assumed that our daughter didn't need to know at that time. We always said, as you have, that we would tell her later when she was older. That is not what happened. The truth comes out sooner or later -- really sooner IS better than later. As "later" goes though we were lucky in the fact that one of us got to tell her -- out of the blue one day when she was 12 she asked me this question: "Mom, have you ever cheated on Dad?" She is very inquisitive and enjoys asking hypothetical questions -- she does this a lot. It just about killed me, but I knew that I could not lie to her -- adultery itself is born of lies, and I want no part of that, so I was honest with her. I cannot tell you how angry she was about being kept in the dark -- how hard it was for her to go back and try t! o remember and piece together details from that time period. ! Although for us the affair had been a long time ago, for her it was as though it just happened. It was very traumatic. It took awhile, and a lot of apologies, but finally she is okay. We are okay. Children can survive the truth. Lies and cover-ups cause damage.
Spare your children that, H_H. Be honest with them NOW. Don't let them wonder why this is happening. Don't put the welfare and moral guidance of your children in the hands of others -- that is your job, Sir. Showing your children that you value truth and honesty is so very important. Leading by example is a very powerful message to children -- they watch what we do even more than they listen to what we say. Show them that you are honorable by honoring them with the truth, H_H.
Please think carefully about this very important issue.