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Originally Posted by axslinger85
She's going to portray you to the court as a violent, unstable monster that's trying to destroy her life and is a threat to her physical safety.

That's how she will justify the abandonment and complete lack of communication to the court, very typical strategy for WWs. You can pretty much count on that, I've seen it happen here dozens of times.

You/your lawyer need to be ready and thinking about how to talk about things like exposure, because she will probably try to put you on the defensive about it.

She is clinging to that thought as much as I thought. My attorney is pretty certain that any claim she makes about exposure will be laughable. The TRO violation she cited exposure in (harassing and annoying the plaintiff) is probably going to thrown out.

I found out OM has a criminal record, underage drinking and disrupting the peace (probably a high school party) and a ton of speeding tickets... Its just frustrating that this is the kind of POS that she would never interact with back in the day... additionally I am infinitely more straight and narrow than this guy.

But whatever, her loss I guess... I just got so worked up last night that I promised to keep her safe and I feel like he is not safe (or at least has any concern for her safety)... but here, in the case she has formulated a plan to make me look unsafe - when in reality I just want her to be safe.... UGH

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Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. Just saying, have the documentation about the OM and your attorney aware of it.
IF you can make her claims look hypocritical, it will implode on her.
And yes, you will be painted as a monster. That is the so often repeated typical tactic.


NebDane #2876746 02/26/16 02:08 PM
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All I can say is time and again throughout my D process, my attorney/s would often tell my that my WxH was "delusional" and "not living in reality" with his expectations court-wise.

During post-D proceedings (contempt motion on my part) WxH's atty actually "fired" him which is pretty rare. My atty told me his atty had had it with him and his OW.

I see this kind of stuff frequently on these forums - fogged out wayturds thinking they are going to destroy their BS in court. Most of family court proceedings are anti-climactic (unless someone has done something pretty crazy) and they want you to settle things and not waste their time.

Just think of it like poker game - try very hard to stick to logic, facts and try not to let emotions get in the way. And be confident in the fact that she is probably doing the opposite.

You're doing great. Keep doing what you're doing smile

Last edited by SusieQ; 02/26/16 02:08 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2876749 02/26/16 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
All I can say is time and again throughout my D process, my attorney/s would often tell my that my WxH was "delusional" and "not living in reality" with his expectations court-wise.

During post-D proceedings (contempt motion on my part) WxH's atty actually "fired" him which is pretty rare. My atty told me his atty had had it with him and his OW.

I see this kind of stuff frequently on these forums - fogged out wayturds thinking they are going to destroy their BS in court. Most of family court proceedings are anti-climactic (unless someone has done something pretty crazy) and they want you to settle things and not waste their time.

Just think of it like poker game - try very hard to stick to logic, facts and try not to let emotions get in the way. And be confident in the fact that she is probably doing the opposite.

You're doing great. Keep doing what you're doing smile

Thanks SusieQ - my attorney did tell my WW's atty that I am "not your client's personal maid, kennel and valet." When my WW said that I could not leave the house or the dogs because of the TRO.

I am trying to get an email together as to when my attorney and I suggest martial reconciliation through a motion or something... Something she will probably reject but at least it buys some more time.

In that same email I am going to try to quickly add an excerpt that states what my WW is saying about her safety is complete bogus and not supported by facts at all.

A friend of mine (supported me the whole time, doesn't know MB or anything just a nice guy) said to try to remain positive in that "You are not getting the whole picture, her attorney might be making her look worse than she is to speed up the divorce." and that "she might actually be questioning the whole process, but her attorney has done hundreds of divorce cases and is staying stone cold"

Oh well, trying to get an email out to my attorney before pretrial but I might just have to tell him in person at pretrial.

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Here goes nothing I suppose... Pretrial in a couple minutes.

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Keep us posted, probably will be very anti-climatic.

NebDane #2877017 02/29/16 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by NebDane
Keep us posted, probably will be very anti-climatic.

It was. They actually started early (without me, and I was 15 minutes early).

Some updates about it though. April 22nd is our next date - attorney's summary was "that's the date she'll need to prove the grounds (incompatibility)." I am pretty happy about that - its nearly two more months on the process.

My attorney also handed over my discovery paperwork. He said that my wife handled the escrow difference that had jacked up our mortgage, so the mortgage payment is down to something more reasonable for me to afford (if I want to keep the house). I am still not going to pay the mortgage until I am absolutely required to.

My attorney asked "what I wanted to do about the house?" I said, I should be able to afford that revised mortgage payment - and I cannot rent with these two dogs...

Oh well, still a poker game as SusieQ put it. But I am pretty happy with how today went, at least happy with the time frame being extended.

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Someone finally took the car today... Don't know who or when it was taken.

I have been working insane hours.

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Originally Posted by WrestlerChemist
Someone finally took the car today... Don't know who or when it was taken.

I have been working insane hours.

Good, one less thing to worry about!


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Hi WC, I used the MB principles to recover my marriage after my wife had an affair. This was about 8 years ago or so. Your thread caught my attention because I have alot of empathy for husband's going through this.

First, you've done an excellent job following the MB plan, much better than I did in my situation, especially at first. It doesn't sound like things are going all that great as far as you recovering your marriage, but it sounds like you're learning alot about yourself and making yourself a better person, and that is really what all of this is about. From what I can tell, you've done about the best job anyone could expect given what's been thrown at you.

I'd also like to tell you that you may want to do some serious soul searching as to whether or not you want to invest any more energy into trying to recover your marriage. I say that because ending the affair, Plan A, Plan B; that's the easy part, as terrible as that sounds. Recovery after that is really difficult. It took us YEARS to really work past the damage the A caused, and it's really only the last couple years that I can honestly say I feel I made the right decision and have been able to overcome the resentment the A caused (most of the time, if you catch me on the occasional bad day, I still may feel differently). So when you consider that this may be the case for you, you're talking about a struggle that may go on longer than the time you have invested in your marriage.

All I can say is that knowing what I know now, if I were in your situation, young, able to recover financially, with a short marriage, no kids, and a pretty brutal WS, I'd be inclined to advise you to chalk this up as a learning experience and apply these MB lessons to your next relationship, because knowing what you know now, the next one will be so much better!

Anyhow, good luck to you, whichever way this turns out and whatever decisions you make.

Tyk


Tyk #2878129 03/14/16 12:18 PM
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WC,
Tyk's advice is very sound. If it weren't for the fact I have invested 20 years in my relationship with WW, and the fact that we have an 11 year old son, I would seriously think about walking away. As it is now, if WW were to come back and reconcile, it is a tough road ahead.

I would have done well to do so seven months after my wedding when I discovered the first EA episode. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.



Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Good advice I agree.

Its only been 6-7 months since the A started, only 6 mos since she moved out and 5.5 mos in to the divorce process.

Its not like I can start a relationship with anyone right now anyways - so I am just going to continue to wait, maybe she will come around.

Sure we have only been married for 2.5 yrs, but we were together for 8years. So that is substantial enough time for me to wait.

I will just let the divorce run its course, its pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things... if the affair dies and she is truly wanting to reconcile (not apologize, just reconcile) then she would drop the case. IF she does not, then we are just divorced I guess until her affair ends.

Like Mr. E said earlier, time erodes love bank balances... so the longer it goes on the harder it will be for her and I.

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I will add that this relationship has a lot of moving parts that get me tripped up... (as all marriages I am sure).

First, I absolutely loved my in-laws and they loved me to death in return. SexyMamaBear and I have had many conversations about controlling my thought process around their feelings.

I mean, the very fact that I know SexyMamaBear and HerPapaBear at all is because they are related to my wife... and my in-laws suggested talking to SMB and HPB.


I just have so much stocked in relationships and I have a hard time just releasing it all just because I have the right to walk away from this marriage due to the affair.

I have just a glimmer of hope that she related to enough decent people that it may stand a chance to wait... but the truth is, I might be fooling myself.

So what I have been trying to do is just not think about it or her and just live my life. Just do what makes me happy at the moment, and if I ever hear from my wife again... well, we will deal with that if it comes up.

Anyways, I already told HPB that if my wife was ever home when I got home wanting to reconcile I would grab her by the arm and say "Sssshhhh don't say a word, we are going to your Aunt and Uncle's (SMB and HPB)." hahah


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Yes WC, by all means continue the plan! With your WW being dark, you don't have many options anyway.

Be clear headed about your inlaws. They are responsible for themselves. They make their own choices. They could choose to support what they know is right, and bring pressure to bear upon your WW. They are choosing instead the cowardly path, which in the end will do their daughter and themselves harm.

They have chosen to not be a friend and support your marraige. Therefore, they are not your friends. Don't make too many excuses for them is all I'm saying.

We lost alot of friends in the wake of my wife's affair. My wife lost almost all of hers. And to be honest, I do not regret that very much, because they showed themselves to not be true friends. Interestingly enough, one of the only friendships to survive was one of my wife's best friends, who stood with me in my efforts to recover our marriage, and refused to enable my wife's behavior. They are still best friends, and I have the utmost respect for her for doing the right thing when it was the most difficult.

If your WW comes out of the fog, a part of that will be repudiating her wayward behavior. That will result in her being forced to recognize that those friends that stood by her in her affair were wrong. It will all be part of the fantasy collapsing. That's going to be a hard thing for her to come to terms with regarding her parents, hard for you, as well.

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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
WC,
Tyk's advice is very sound. If it weren't for the fact I have invested 20 years in my relationship with WW, and the fact that we have an 11 year old son, I would seriously think about walking away. As it is now, if WW were to come back and reconcile, it is a tough road ahead.

I would have done well to do so seven months after my wedding when I discovered the first EA episode. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.
Tyk's advice presumed no children, which is not your case. It was also too pessimistic about recovery. It has been five years for me, and I almost never think of it. I have a hard time remembering a lot of the particulars like dates and the specific sequence of it all. So, why the difference? We moved 550 miles away from the affair location. All the triggers are gone. We are not bombarded by relentless reminders of the horrible experience.

There is much you can do to effect how long a full recovery takes. It doesn't have to take more than a couple of years.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2878146 03/14/16 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Tyk's advice presumed no children, which is not your case. It was also too pessimistic about recovery. It has been five years for me, and I almost never think of it. I have a hard time remembering a lot of the particulars like dates and the specific sequence of it all. So, why the difference? We moved 550 miles away from the affair location. All the triggers are gone. We are not bombarded by relentless reminders of the horrible experience.

For WC it shouldn't be as painful as for me. For me, though, this is the second EA with the same OM. The first time I would say I fully recovered within a year. It was never overtly in my mind, and at that time I naively accepted from both WW and OM that it was in the past. I was young and without children at the time. But it was always lurking in my subconscious so I held off having a child until 7 years later on purpose. At that point we were both convinced the marriage was strong and we started to try for a child. It took us a year to conceive but it was well worth it. Because of our S, I mistakenly never expected my WW to stray from the marriage. She always talked about how perfect our little family was, until this past year when I discovered the EA.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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WC,

You're on the right track and doing the right things.

I was a lot more skeptical about saving my marriage because it had gone much more poorly than yours (going by your description here), but I do think when the time is right to hang it up (if it ever comes) you will know and God will speak to you about it.

That was just my experience. Choosing to give up was a very hard thing to do for me, even though my situation was very bleak in terms of odds of recovery and I had every reason to walk away.

But I fought as hard as I could (as I think you are also doing) and I was blessed to have peace about the situation when the choice had to be made to hang it up.

I think you will find things much the same, because you are doing this the right way. Letting go of cherished relationships (like the inlaws) is always hard, though. Keep up the good work and remember this was never your choice to end up here.

You are simply working with a situation given to you and I think you are doing a very good job with it. As others have said, personal growth and learning good MB skills is the best outcome regardless of what happens, and you are well on your way in that regard. God Bless.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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Thanks Ax for the inspiration.

She filed a motion to dismiss her TRO violation which was scheduled for Friday.

We also got some paperwork with some kinda "end times" dates on them... looks like this will be over legally by late May - End of June.

Lots can happen by then though... Staying positive got some good friends.

Had a groups of people I had never met before explain to me how inspiring my story is for them, and how they will view what it means to be committed to a relationship differently because they ever spoke to me.

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Glad you don't have to waste time and money fighting a frivolous TRO!
Good luck turning your M around, you still have a little bit of time. Hopefully these last few months will reveal to you which way you should go with your life.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 339
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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Glad you don't have to waste time and money fighting a frivolous TRO!
Good luck turning your M around, you still have a little bit of time. Hopefully these last few months will reveal to you which way you should go with your life.

I by no means view the divorce as the end of fighting for the marriage...

That's why I said legally I believe earlier I said I was prepared to give this about 2 years.

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