When a marriage or relationship ends there is always going to be someone carrying around most of the pain and hurt. The longer you are married the longer it is going to take to stop thinking about what happened.<P>I am the one who chose divorce to end my 16 year marriage, but I think about my stbxh all the time. There were happy times...I spent 20 years with him. Unfortunatly, the bad started outweighing the good until the entire marriage took a nose dive, crashed and burned. I think it is normal to think about your stbx...I don't think it really evens out until the divorce is final, and you truly start moving forward. I don't see how anyone can emotionally move forward when going through a divorce. It is gut wrenching, sad, frustrating; you are constantly rehashing what happened, discussing kids, marital assets...who can be happy and move on when going through that?<P>I also think that the person who decides to end the marriage may appear not as obsessive because he or she has already determined what was wrong and emotionally has already divorced the person. That is the hard part...emotionally separating yourself. To the person who is on the receiving end...especially if an affair is involved, they had no idea there was a problem and proceed to torture themselves for the next several months with trying to figure out when their spouse changed. <P>Back in January when I had first decided to separate, one of the divorce counselors I work with told me to expect my life to be pure hell for the next two years. I just stared at her...she smiled and then added, it'll get better, but not for a few more years. So, far she has been right. <P>Time is the best healer...one can only hope so. I don't think it is logical to think that you are going to wake up the next morning and forget your past, forget about the person who you thought you would grow old with...but the pain will lessen and eventually it may be possible to get through the days without thinking about what happened.<P>I hope so.<P> <P>