I have been a wreck and then o.k. After seeing the counselor Friday, it looked like I was heading for divorce, as my husband really seemed to think he had to have contact with OC at some point in future.Likewise, I felt I could not heal with him and our marriage with OC in picture. Now, over weekend, he says he will never see OC again, due to my wishes. I am relieved about this, and frightened at same time. I have asked him if he will grow to hate me due to this request, he says no.Can I believe him? I truly think I cannot deal with him having other contact with OC, even more than he has. I also hope and pray daily his distance from OC will spur OW to move on in her life and maybe leave area and seek a father for OC.When I think of him as merely a sperm donor, I can handle his mistake and start to think of forgiving him.But when I think of him as a father to a child separate from our two kids, I am in so much pain I cannot stand it. I told him last night it hurts me so he had a child with someone else when I was supposed to be the only one he fathered chidren with-he held me and said he knew how much that hurt me. But what can he do? he keeps saying he knows what he did was wrong, stupid, not thinking of me and our kids,but we have to move forward. <BR>Additionally, I wonder how do you start to forgive husband for OC? I feel our crummy sex life, led him to affair. I can take some responsbility for that, find it easier to forgive him for that and we are rebuilding our closeness sexuallyu fairly well. I feel his stupidity in being so reckless having child, in a longer term affair, is harder to forgive. I see his health insurance payments listing OC as "daughter" and it tears me up inside. I am tormented by the money we pay monthly to her and all we will no longer be able to do due to the 1200 month we pay to her. I was worrying about money last night and my daughter heard me tell my husband ( she is 8) that I may have to get another job. He meant it facetiously,doesn't really want me to change jobs, but my daughter came up to me, hugged me, asked what financial worries were, and why would I change my job.When I told her I was worried about money, she got teary eyed and said she wouldn't want me to work more and not see me earlier in the day and stay in after school day care more. It brought tears to my eyes, thinking of her and me being affected by her father and my husband's illicit stupid affair and mistake. So how do you move forward?<BR>We were in church on Sunday, I had to serve communion, and wouldn't you know, I served my husband.And it hit me-both of us were nearly in tears during and after it. If God is going to forgive him, so to will I if we can move forward and make a life for ourselves together.WE have been together 30 years, cannot imagine living apart."But I get stuck with the moving forward and forgiving part, even though husband says he will give up contact with OC.Anyone's thoughts on this would be most appreciated. I really appreciate all of you out there.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 19, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 27, 2001).]