Beth,

One of the problems is that the kind of person I am apparently attracted to is not the kind of person he is now, but rather the kind he appeared to be 25 years ago (or even a couple of years ago). Therefore, apparently basic personality and values are not static. I am not just talking about morality and committment. All of his values have undergone a complete transformation - even values that are completely unrelated to infidelity, values that are not necessarily right or wrong, but are important when deciding whether you are compatible. How could someone who a few years ago gave up his job to farm full-time under rather primitive conditions have turned into a card-carrying Yuppie? How could someone who in the past accused me of being a snob based on some innocent comment I made about education, tell me now that he wants our kids to be friends with kids of their "intellectual level". How could someone who never pressured the kids about their grades now panic because he didn't think our seven year old was reading well enough? How could he accuse me of giving the kids "negative images of learning", when our two oldest homeschooled kids are now excelling in college?

How could someone who told a prospective employer that he valued job flexibility because his family was so important to him, now see the kids only approximately the "standard" amount, which he is now cutting back, at least temporarily, to only one night instead of two on "his" weekends? How could he say that he would do whatever is necessary to preserve the atmosphere at the OW's house - apparently including bringing the kids home if they disrupt it? How could a father, knowing that his children are sick, not even ask how they are doing?

This is not about his relationship with me any longer. He claimed that he doesn't like my basic personality, and that basic personalities don't change, and I must have been hiding it (apparently for years). Was he just doing a really good job of hiding his personality for 25 years? I don't think that is possible. His personality has changed, and not just in his relationship with me. If you meet someone whose personality seems compatible with yours, there is no way of knowing if it will change completely, virtually overnight-5, 10, 25 years later.

There is no point in putting any effort into finding an appropriate marriage partner. It is not just that my H disappeared and became someone I don't recognize, but I don't recognize the father of my children, either.