I have been married for two years, and even though we do have our problems, overall we are happy, I guess we're about a 71/2 out of ten on the happy scale. :-)
Anyway, I have had a good male friend for almost as long as I have known my husband that I met through work.I'm a very outgoing person and have lots of friends. Me and him have said in the past that we're really good friends and if circumstances were different we would probably go out, but that we both know that is never going to happen and we're happy with how things are now.
Even though my husband has met him, he doesn't know him very well, he is not very sociable and has missed chanches to meet him before. I am honest with my husband and he knows that I consider this male friend one of my closest friends and we get together for lunch on a regular basis.
I would never leave my marriage for another person unless I was going to leave for other reasons. I don't believe it's ever worth leaving something great for something new and unsure.
Even though we have had our talks about all of this and he seems okay with it, I know it still bugs him. I don't think that I should have to cutt off relationships because of his insecurities as I have never given him any reason to doubt my faithfullness/honesty.
I try to put myself in his shoes and constantly question if I'm doing anything wrong. <p>Anyone in a similar situation? Any advice? Comments?<p>Just wanting to get a different perspective. :-)
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Read of few more of the threads here about how this stuff gets started. It starts with people who are "just friends" and see no reason why they shouldn't go out and spend a little time alone together.<p>It's not your husband's "insecurities" that are the problem here. It's your carelessness with his feelings and your total indifference toward protecting your marriage.<p>Psycho_B***h

So, basically, are you saying that this relationship with this other man, that if you were free, you'd date, bugs your H, but you go ahead with the relationship anyway?<p>Why in 2 years hasn't your H gotten to know the guy? No having him over for barbecue or chili or whatever so your H can get to know him? Or inviting the H for lunch as well?<p>What is your priority, the friendship or the marriage? <p>Who do you see more of in social situations (not including hanging out at home), the friend or the H? If it is the friend, your behavior shows the friend is more important.<p>Spending time with a friend of the opposite sex, unless you aren't attracted to them--which is not the case you state means that person is meeting your emotional needs, something that should be being done by your H.<p>Most of the wayward spouses--some much older & experienced than you--never thought they'd stray, all it takes is a weak moment, opportunity and a willing other person.<p>I think that you are choosing to do something you think bugs your H reveals not his insecurities, but your selfishness. Isn't he the one who you promised to put before all others?

Oh, and one more thing while I'm here: you seem to have the idea that what you're doing is wrong only if you leave your husband for this other guy, or -- I am assuming -- if you have sex with this other guy.<p>You don't see anything wrong with simply having a happy marriage at home and a harmless friend to date on the side, do you?<p>Sorry if this sounds harsh -- but you are doing exactly what my husband did for many years. Of course, he wasn't quite so open and honest about it as you are, but he did do the very same thing -- had a great marriage at home with a few female friends on the side to go out to lunch and dinner with while he was at work.<p>He never intended to leave me for any of them, and never (he says) had sex with any of them. But it has still destroyed our marriage, and you are a fool if you think it won't destroy yours.<p>Psycho_B***h

I understand what you're saying but at the same time, do you leave longtime friendships that were present before you got married? Is this not who I was before the marriage and so why should it work against me now?
I understand that anything can lead to cheating, but you can't assume that it will I think.
I beleive that if you do have reason to doubt someone you may want to watch eachothers actions, however do you not trust eachother right from the get-go? <p>I guess these are some questions I find tough. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Sun Snake, how long do you expect your marriage to stay good when you willfully IGNORE and denigrate your husband's wishes? Your husband has said that he has a problem with it and it is disrespectful of you to continue it. Why threaten your marriage over a casual friendship? <p>Also, almost every affair on this website started as "just a friendship" - just like yours. If you value your marriage at all, you will stop it.

This is just my opinion but I think that you have already crossed the line. How do you think you would feel if your husband was having lunches with a female friend of many years and discussed how if things were different they would certainly go out and date each other. I think that you are being very disrespectful to your husband. You have admitted that there is an attraction between you and your friend. How do you think that affairs begin? You end up expressing yourself and sharing yourself more and more with your friend. I do not blame your husband for being irritated. After only two years of marriage your best friend has to be a male who you admit you are attracted to.
I believe you are on a course that will lead to an unhealthy relationship between you and your husband. If you wish to become another statistic in the long run then just keep on doing what you are doing.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by *Sun_Snake*2002:
<strong>I understand what you're saying but at the same time, do you leave longtime friendships that were present before you got married? Is this not who I was before the marriage and so why should it work against me now?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Yes, you leave long time "friendships" behind that threaten your marriage in any way. You form new friendships with married people. <p>You certainly don't expect your H to maintain "friendships" with all his old girlfriends, do you? <p>Who you were before you were married was a SINGLE WOMAN, you are now a MARRIED WOMAN. Time to start acting like one.

Haa haa, boy the reply's are just flying in! Please, don't bite my head off people!
I guess with speaking to people who have gone through my type of situations "gone bad" if I may use that term, I should expect this type of response. <p>In response though, my husband has not gotten to know my friend because he constantly refused to go to my work functions, he's not as outgoing as I am and never felt totally comfortable going to some work events. <p>I guess becuase I know that I would never cheat on my husband, and am honest with him, and DO ask him if he wants to talk about it or if it's bugging him. He does say that it doesn't bother him, and maybe it doesn't really, but the only reason I say that it does it becasue once in a while he'll make a joke that refers to it or something. I do try to be considerate of his feelings, but I know that me wanting him to no longer speak to a friend he has had since before our marriage would not happend.

REading the Harley's books, rather than simply relying on posts here makes a big difference.<p>here's the rub...<p>anything that builds a love bank balance with a member of the opposite sex is dangerous. This is what happened to me...she built up such a balance with him, and mine was stagnant or losing, it was simply inevitable.<p>I am wise to it now. This is why Dr. Harley suggests 15 hours a week with your spouse in undivided attention time. If you spend some of the time that should be with your spouse, with another member of the opposite sex instead, you are building up the other persons love bank balance to the detriment of your spouse. That makes the rest of that inevitable. Sometimes, those balances don't come into play for years, when you ARE unhappy with your spouse for some reason. <p>This is what happened to me...it was an old boyfriend, who had done well financially at a time when I was on the downs...and his account was still open, so to speak.<p>This is a bad habit to get into. Ok, you ask, so what do I do, give up my friendship? NO. but you should see this other person a LOT less (you promised to dedicate your life to your spouse, and vice-versa)or make sure to bring your husband into the mix if that works. but you must figure out ways to keep yer husbands account building, and freeze this other guys' account.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by *Sun_Snake*2002:
<strong>Haa haa, boy the reply's are just flying in! Please, don't bite my head off people!
I guess with speaking to people who have gone through my type of situations "gone bad" if I may use that term, I should expect this type of response. <p>.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sunsnake, just remember, the people who are answering your post are folks who have seen both sides of the fence and therefore have a more objective view of the situation than you do. And a better sense and experience of how damaging these kind of friendships can be.

Learning from people who have gone through a relationship "gone bad" is called wisdom [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>So, your H won't go to work functions, again, how about the lunches.<p>You don't have to dump the friend if he is integrated into a relationship with your H...but lunches alone are an invitation to an affair. You shouldn't be getting together with a single guy alone, especially one who is attractive enough to you that you'd date him. You are courting trouble, we've seen that trouble.<p>I've been there both with my H & his co-worker FOW, & with a male friend when my H left me the 7th time. I wasn't planning to cross the line either....

Thanks Willi1 for your reply.
Oh me spending time with my husband is not an issue at all. We spend all the weekends togther and with some of our group of friends, and every evening also. Me and my husband spend the majority of our time together and it's great. I never spend time with my male friend outside of work, alone unless it's lunch during the day. Otherwise we'll get together with a bunch of people from my old job once in a while, and it's great.
I fully believe that my time with my husband is precious and I value it very much. :-)

Sun_snake, there are a couple of GIANT RED FLAGS in your post:<p>1) "...even though we do have our problems, overall we are happy, I guess we're about a 71/2 out of ten on the happy scale." <p>Maybe you should be working on those problems, depending on the nature of them? No marriage is going to be harmonious 100% of the time, but depending on the nature of the problems, they could be leaving you vulnerable.<p>2) "Me and him have said in the past that we're really good friends and if circumstances were different we would probably go out, but that we both know that is never going to happen and we're happy with how things are now."<p>Are you? When you know that if circumstances were different, you might be together? This indicates a certain degree of sexual attraction.<p>3) "I would never leave my marriage for another person unless I was going to leave for other reasons. I don't believe it's ever worth leaving something great for something new and unsure."<p>No, you might not LEAVE, but you might dabble on the side if that "7-1/2 out of 10" happy were to become temporarily, say, 6 out of 10.<p>4) "Even though we have had our talks about all of this and he seems okay with it, I know it still bugs him. I don't think that I should have to cutt off relationships because of his insecurities as I have never given him any reason to doubt my faithfullness/honesty."<p>It bugs him because he knows that there is an attraction there and that you would be with this other guy if you weren't with him.<p>Sun, I have been where your H is right now. In my case, the woman wasn't someone my H knew for years, but a co-worker. My H had had female friends before, but this was different. With other friends, I'd been included. With her, I was excluded. She would call the house and ask to talk to him without even acknowledging my existence. Something Just Didn't Feel Right.<p>One day I said to my H, "It's kind of disconcerting when another woman calls your house and leaves messages for your husband that say, 'I really need to see you; I really need to talk to you.' He immediately started getting defensive (like you are), and then I did the thing you should never do unless you want an answer.<p>I asked the "Does This Make Me Look Fat" question. I asked, "If I weren't around, would you be with her?"<p>And he said yes, probably.<p>Just like you say.<p>Sun, you do not have do be doing the horizontal tango for it to be a threat to your marriage. You say you have a lot of friends and your H is not very social. I understand that; my H doesn't want to socialize with anyone he didn't meet first. But you have to find a balance between your need for friends and your H's anti-social personality. And a male friend to whom you're sexually attracted is playing with fire. Believe me, it is. <p>I once had a male friend at work who I never looked at twice, and one day, while my H and I were having some serious problems, I was talking to him and suddenly I felt as if I'd been hit with a sledgehammer. This guy I'd never looked at twice, well, suddenly I wanted to jump him.<p>Scared the s**t out of me....so much so I changed jobs, because I was rapidly headed for trouble. This guy was "just a friend" until I needed something more.<p>Do YOU have the courage to put on the brakes, or are you going to delude yourself that he's "just a friend" until you wake up in the morning and whether the day is good or bad depends on whether you will see him?<p>So you see, I know both sides of this thing. My H felt justified in having a female friendship from which I was excluded, because I had once had male friends. And he doesn't even KNOW about the friend who might have been more. <p>I've set rules for myself. Unless we're as a couple, I will only go out with women or gay men. I have an active online life (2 Web sites) but I stay away from chat rooms. Any time someone expresses interest, I politely say I'm happily married and not interested. When in doubt, I stay home with my H. And sometimes it means I don't get to do some things I want to do.<p>Sun, a spouse knows when someone is "just a friend" and when something just isn't quite right. There's a difference. Your H doesn't seem to be bothered by your other friends, how come he's bothered by this one? I'll tell you why. Because he KNOWS there's the potential for more. There's nothing he can put his finger on, but something just doesn't seem quite right.<p>How much is jeopardizing your marriage worth? Is this guy worth it? Ask yourself.

...and, in response to your next post, if you don't think he cares or is irritated, you are crazy. His references to it show that it REALLY pisses him off. But it's a lovebuster for him to complain, and he loves you and doesn't want to tick you off because this guy means something to you. But he feels threatened. As for work stuff, I forget, is this a work buddy? That would keep me away. You have things in common with work friends your H does not have, if he feels threatened by this "friendship" then being exposed to a lot of other work relationships that he has no connection too. If I was insecure about my new wife's friendships, I wouldn't want to go to any of those functions either.<p>Kiddo, this is all about the Golden Rule. In every case, if you can, reverse the roles and see how you would feel. Now, I can tell you from tough life lessons that women think differently about their friendships than men do. It's a generalization, but one you would be wise to consider. The two of you, as relatively new at this marriage thing, are setting patterns that you will harden as the years go on. <p>Us "oldster" with all our "war wounds" wish we could turn things back to those first few years that the two of you are in and change a lot...before we got into hardened positions that would lead to disaster and pain years down the road.<p>This is why I think Harley's stuff is so valuable. The problem is, that it makes much more sense when you are looking in the rear view mirror than it does when you are in the middle of it. The feminist crap and other stuff from Redbook that is being passed off as relationship info onto your generation is leading us into a permanent emotional second class of unhappy divorcees and single parent hell. Harley may seem stale and "white bread" to many, but a lot of pain and experience by his clients has demonstrated the truth of what he has found. Humans are more predictable than they want to believe, and it is easy for us old hands to read the lines, and between them, in your posts to see the road you are on...we only hope you turn off before you go off the map!<p>Seriously, you asked, we will shoot straight. You don't want to end up where many of us found ourselves. BTW, there is probably no one on this board who ever believed they would cheat on their spouse two years into their marriage. Many of us waiting 20 or more before falling for that stupid move. Best of luck to you and yours...Willy1

Thanks to all of you for your responses. I really do see where you're coming from and know what you're trying to convey. As much as I could go back and forth and "debate" with some of your points, we could go on for DAYS! :-D
It was good to hear your comments/advice, they're appreciated, and they won't be forgotten. <p>M.

We can easily go on for days [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Sun_Snake<p>I hate to answer a question with a question, but if you're so sure your frienship with this guy isn't a problem for your marriage, why did you come to a site on infidelity to ask for advice and comments?<p>Just curious. <p>at peace<p>BTW, my advice would be to seriously reduce the amount of time and personal energy you put into the friendship with this guy. It's NOT worth the risk -- believe me. All of the affairs noted in my signature lines below began as "just good friends". It wasn't worth it.

I would be very, very careful. With my husband, it started with a friendship with someone at work and it grew out of that. It's a very slippery slope. You and your husband need to come to an agreement on what place opposite sex friendships have in your marriage. Keep in mind that your husband and marriage should be primary. If that's an issue for you, there may be more problems than your friend at work. Good luck.