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Joined: May 2002
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I feel that I am in the Third State of Marriage - Withdrawl. Where the marriage seems hopeless, that I don't want to keep trying. Flight seems to be the only option. My H had a no-sex PA in January but, I think I may have been in the State of Withdrawl before that and the A has put me farther in the witdrawl. <p>Has anyone else experienced this? Is so, how did you overcome these feelings? What can I do to help get myself out of this pit? <p>We have been M 20 years, S is 17. Just not sure which way I want to turn. I would like to get out of withdrawl before I make any decisions. <p>Any suggestions?

Joined: Mar 2000
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You need to do something to shake yourself out of those feelings....<p>What did you do 20 years ago when you were falling in love? Go to the movies? Go skating? Make dinner together? Whatever it was, try doing it again.<p>Try just one thing.
Then another.<p>It's incredibly hard, but you can do it.<p>Good luck
HBC

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Thanks HBC for responding. We have been doing alot of things together. H has been trying different things, stuff he would never try before. <p>I'll keep trying to get out of this pit I am in. I think the hurt is keeping me there. That no matter what we do, I only see the hurt. My emotions are in turmoil, not sure which way is up some days.

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That's a natural reaction, cub. Not that it makes it any easier to deal with! But it is very natural.<p>It might help to sit down and define exactly what it is that is hurting you. Write it out; journaling is a good way to get through this. Remember, an undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions. You need to make it manageable!<p>Are you seeing a counselor at all? It might help to have someone to talk to about it. An objective person, not a well-meaning relative or friend who makes it tougher.<p>I'm glad your husband is trying, cub. That is, at least, a good sign that he want to make things better.<p>Good luck!
HBC

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Hi BC,<p>I certainly understand your feelings. Me too! So for me, I put the onis on my H for him to make us happy. Not all of it but enough. I do not let him think that we will carry that for him. <p>My H is a conflict avoider at all costs and is now learning that he can not be that way and be in this family. It was deadly to our family for him to avoid issues that needed his attention. In addition to that knowing that he needed to help us be happy (I told him I was not sure how to be happy anymore), gave him the sort of push to work on the family relationship. I told my H we were a package deal and even though our personal relationship needed help so did his relationship with our child. <p>The way I also put it was that to come back to our family required that he show how he was going to add value as a valuable contributing family member. Otherwise, we would not let him back. He has been back for 1 year but in reality, he has really been back emotionally for 3 months. Yep, the OW had her claws in real deep. But you know what? H just told me that he does not even miss the OW. Hm.....time will tell. I am a bit of a skeptic in this A thing so time will tell. <p>Take Care,
L.

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Unfortunately, the place you are at is not unusual. You and your H are in a behavioral pattern, or ‘dance’, it will not change or slowly spiral down unless one of you makes a change. Since you are the one here, I assume that you are the one who can do this and change your marriage.<p>Please read all of the material on this web site and the books ‘Surviving an Affair’, “His Needs, Her Needs’ and ‘Love Busters’. This material will show you how you H and you can regain the passionate love you once had and keep it for life. The place to start is with Plan A so you may want to read up on that.<p>Another source of material that will help you very much in the situation you are in is Divorce Busting .<p>Both Divorce Busting (DB) and MB are very similar. The main difference that I see between the two is that DB has a much looser structure then MB. I like the MB structure. However the DB literature has many idea on how to turn your marriage around when you are the only one working on it.. at least at first. I feel that the two methodologies fit together very well. <p>My H and I live by the MB concepts. I also use DB to help me in MB’ing for life. It can help a person in pulling off a good Plan A. The answer in all of this is within yourself first. Your H cannot make you whole, only you can do that. And when you change for the better you H and your marriage will follow.

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Thanks Everyone, it's great advice. Spoke to H yesterday, he has been reading the posts on MB too. We are both taking this seriously and trying to get back on track. <p>We talked about what we did 20 years ago, as HBC suggested. We were kids in HS so, there was alot of play time. Decided to "shoot some hoops", hang out at the park, go to the drive-in, things we did as kids. We are headed for the drive-in this weekend. <p>I'm doing much better today, think I hit one of those valleys yesterday and I have been slowly climbing out. <p>Orchid - I understand the Conflict Avoider, I think we both are (were). My H is working on his R with our S too. He admits he distanced himself from us. That he was the one that made himself the "3rd Wheel". H is now part of the conversations, is interested in our S life, remembering who our S friends are. I think this will help both of them. <p>Finding MB was the best thing for us. The suggestions make sense, they are not all clinical and can be used in real life. The forums have been very helpful, I have chatting with some terrific people. <p>Thanks again - Take care.
Cub


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