Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 379
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 379
Last night H and I had a long conversation about his EA..(i think PA though H insist my accusations are groundless)... see my post about thathere
so anyway we were talking about how occasionally he still missed her and thought of her... yet at the same time he hates her for the "disruption" she caused in our M. and after they "broke up"<p>I did as well as I could in talking about this and LBed only once when I said that he whined about missing her in his fog days.<p>I then said i wanted to drop the topic because it was upsetting me and that i really wanted to go to sleep so i would not let my mind work overtime.<p>H says, "I wish you would trust me"..(I assume this is is said because he know I do not believe that they did not have sex). my reply was... my trust is earned not given freely any more, because every time i start trusting you you do something to screw it up...... His response was, I think I am trustworthy now. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
and I closed the conversation with this... H I think that now at this point and time in our lives that you have more freedom to go to the bar, go to harley shows, go off galavanting and leaving me home than you have ever had. I do not ask you where you have been unless you volenteer that information nor do I question who you are with, nor do I ask you what you did...
unless you volenteer to tell me i do not ask.
and considering the circumstances I think I am doing extremely well with forgiving and trusting you. and the point where I am on that now is as much as you will EVER get from me again.
H seemed upsdet by this but i told him this all i could offer him and that i was sorry to not be able to offer more.<p>
any thoughts

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,086
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,086
I told my H shortly after D-day, when D-days kept happening, that I was finished monitoring his activity. I already knew what I needed to know: That he had betrayed my trust and could no longer be trusted. I said that I now considered it HIS responsibility to prove to me that he was NOT having an A and that as long as he was not doing that I would assume an A was going on and protect myself accordingly and my feelings for him would be affected negatively accordingly because he would be failing to care for and protect me.<p>I have no obligation to trust him or believe a word he says ever again, and I would be an utter and complete fool to do so. The only RATIONAL position for a BS IS not trusting the WS. If the WS does not see and appreciate that and accept it as a consequence of his behavioral choices, then he is demonstrating his lack of insight into his behavioral choices and proving the necessity of the BS's maintaining a zero trust level.

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 342
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 342
Ok, my WH wants me to trust him too. I feel like he needs to show he can be trusted, but I think saying that in our case will be a major LB. He has told me more about the R with OW, I admit. I said very nicely and calmly "I appreciate you being open with me....please understand that I am still very uneasy about honesty right now" He seemed to take that ok.<p>Llama

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 469
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 469
AllTheGoodNamesRTakn:<p>Oh boy can I relate to those words from my FWH. He said those words to me as well. <p>I realized that my trust was taken so easily, but I gave it too him easily prior to d-day(2 of them). I also understand now what he meant at that time. It was valuable to him, more then I ever know, he blew it as soon as he had the affair.

He was regretting losing my trust. The trust will never be the same, but there now is trust. We are about 2 years since the last d-day. As you can see I have been a member for a very long time to MB site.<p>Hopefully your husband will understand and give you time for you to regive some trust. It maybe be his wasy of remorse and guilt he could be feeling.<p>I can tell you recovery is a very tough road to walk. But it is a great place to be with your spouse.<p>Keep up recovery, and remember no LB's.<p>Best wishes,<p>bighope

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 37
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 37
I am a husband who has cheated. It has been 3 months since I was caught. A horrible 3 months and I don't know how to help my wife. It is over with the OW and I want my marriage back in a better and stronger version. I believe my wife does too. The problem is she can't let go yet of the affair. She admits I am doing all the right things but she can't stop her pain. Is there hope? What can I do? I am asking those of you on this link since you all seem to have been in her place. I thank you in advance for your responses.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 241
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 241
As the one in this relationship that went astray, I must say that in my opinion, your H has no right to say anything about trust. He broke your trust and now he has to earn it back. He cannot just expect you to give it freely. And I do not think it should be considered a LB for you to tell him so. Also, IMO, he has to recognize all of this. <p>Trust is a very important thing in a relationship. Some of us should have realized that sooner. Once upon a time, I would have cringed at the idea of having to "ask" my H if it was ok with him if I did something. Now, it is like second nature for me to do so. I don't really think about it. IMO, it is all part of the Policy of Joint Agreement.<p>Your H cannot ask you for your trust. He has to earn it. He needs to recognize and follow through on rebuilding your trust. He needs to understand that all of this is in his hands.

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 379
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 379
Thanks everyone so much for replying to my threads I would not have made it this far in recovery without each and every one of you sharing your insight and support with me.
IT means alot to know that others out there in the world care enough to post and help me.

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,196
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,196
AllThe-<p>I had a very similar conversation with my WW in recent days. She says she can not trust me anymore because I 'spyed' on her. She fails to see that the spying was an effort to discover the truth about all the lies I was being told and to monitor how good of job I was doing in my Plan A efforts.<p>You can't force your H to trust you again just as he can't force you to trust him again. Trust is a gift that is earned over time. Be careful about telling your H how he can earn your 'trust' again. The WS must come up with concrete examples of how they will earn the trust of the BS again. By monitoring his activity, you did nothing at the expense of trust unless you used that information to bring your H or the OW down for a fall. Hang in there.<p>HoFS

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,086
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,086
Howbre,<p>Even if you do everything possible to mitigate your W's pain and suffering and maintain full accountability, there is still a grief process that she will go through. Something precious was destroyed forever and can never be regained. I will never see my H the same way again. He has failed me in the worst way possible, done the most abusive thing anyone can do to their spouse. I would have preferred physical abuse--I would have at least had a chance to defend myself and protect myself from further injury.<p>To put it in perspective, it is like my H was murdered and his murderer has taken over his body. That is how it feels to be a BS married to a WS. My H has something in this M that I will never have--someone who loved him enough to remain faithful. I will always know I am discardable to him. I have to find my value in my own eyes because there is none in his that can be counted on. I have permanently lost my security in my M. The one I trusted most in the world hurt me more than anyone else ever has.<p>Some of us here have lost loved ones to death, and that hurts less than being a BS, so maybe that will give you some idea of what your W is going through. There is hope according to those that are farther down the road to recovery than I am, but the best hope of recovery lies in what you are willing to do, how willing you are to confront yourself, own what you did, and repair as much of the damage as possible.<p>My H hasn't done that very well so far, so I don't personally know how it might change my feelings, but there are those here whose WSs did examine themselves and hold themselves accountable right away and very consistently, and they have been able to be happy in their M again, so hopefully you'll hear from them.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 975 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02
71,826 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5