I'm lost and confused (again) and I need some opinions as to my situation. I had an A that ended four years ago, and my W found out three years ago. We went through counseling and all, and things felt like they were back on track - all except for making love that is. Since January though, my W has really been struggling with the A - saying that she made a promise to herself when she was young that she would never "settle" for an A, and now since we are still together she feels like she broke that promise to herself. She says that when it first happened the only reason she stayed was for our children (now 5 & 6), and now 90% of her wants to stay together because of them - but she is saying the other 10% is wondering how it is fair to her to stay with me. I know I'm babbling, this has just all come to a head this past weekend and I'm lost, scared, and confused. We still love each other so very much, and we are still each others best friends, but she is deep in thought right now about splitting up. I have been going to see a counselor myself for another issue, and this Friday we are going together to see this counselor to hopefully figure out how we can repair our broken marriage. Has anyone else on this board been at this point before? Any ideas? She says that even my touch is revolting some of the time - she doesn't like to hold my hand, or give hugs, or cuddle anymore. I'm just lost and I feel very empty and alone right now.

Perhaps you ended the affair and counseled but you did not really "recover" your M including all of the necessary elements and duration?

Have you read Dr. Harley's book SAA? Have you read his articles and Q&A on recovering from infidelity?

I might suggest you do this, and perhaps approach your W, let her know that there is a "process" to recover and that perhaps you did not follow it (or something like it) and that you'd like to try to do this so as to truly recover? Let her know that you understand there are still painful feelings in her, and that you'd like to help her with them.

Lost,

I am really glad you posted this. It is pretty much my situation except that where your A was 4 years ago, my H's A was 4 years long and I just found out 2 months ago. I can't wait to read what you get for replies.

Like your W, I seem to be living in some kind of gridlock. I love him so much and want our M to survive this more than I can express. He is still my best friend and we are great business partners.

He has told me there were many times right from the “beginning” of the A where he tried to figure out how to end it so noone would get hurt. But rather than taking action that might hurt OW or himself, he preferred to protect both of them for FOUR YEARS to the complete exclusion of taking "any" action to my benefit. An A that ended after a few encounters would have been just as devastating but not as hurtfully haunting to me as one that went on for 4 years. I am finding it impossible to know that and then say "That's Ok. I am still 100% committed to you".

He used to be my hero. I can't imagine I'll ever see him that way again. Now he&#8217;s not even my protector, never mind my hero. Now he&#8217;s become someone I have keep my guard up against. Not my idea of a happy and fufilling M. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I always thought that anyone who stayed in a relationship after being cheated on must be insecure, unconfident, dependent, self-doubting, etc. Much like a battered wife who never leaves. I see that I was wrong but there are now lots of days when I feel like I fit that discription. Along with our M, my self-esteem took quite a beating from all this too.

I guess the bottom line for me is this. We are best friends and great business partners but I no longer enjoy being his W. No matter what, as long as we are married, I will always be a woman who's H completely disregarded, disrespected, dishonored and deceived her for 4 years. The ONLY way that will not be true for the rest of my life, is if he is no longer my H.

That is just one of my struggles right now and I fight with it pretty well daily.

Spacecase...thank you for the reply - I've looked at the parts of this website that you suggested, and it gives me some focus and ideas.

Extremely....I am so very sorry if this post has drudged up anything today - I've watched my W over the past three years, and the pain that I have caused her is horrible, I can only imagine what you are going through.....hang in there.