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Joined: Apr 2001
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Topie25 Offline OP
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It's been about 1 1/2 months (or more?) since H's buddy guy friend has been out of the picture. He has been a MAJOR trigger for me, and it's gotten to the point where my H has been given the ultimatum, by me, to either choose his M or his 'buddy'. (btw, for those who may not know, H and I tried other ways to resolve this issue by POJAing, but he continuously broke his end of our arrangements). I should also add that the reasons this guy is such a trigger for me is b/c he is totally disrespectful and rude to me (regularly), and H used to use him as his excuse for meeting with other women (I know that's not the guy's fault... but the association is still there for me).

I know it's not my H's fault that his friend called. H has no control over his actions. I understand that. But what bothers me, is that my H told him that he'd call him later when things 'calm down'!!!

IMO, that will NEVER happen!!! Let me assure all of you that!!! This (so called) man is NOT to come on my property or be near my children. The last time we saw each other he lunged towards me (to hit me, after I had hit his car with my fists after repeatedly asking - then telling - him to leave my property). Should he even dare to come near here again, he'll have his [censored] in jail quicker than you can say BOO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Just finding out that he called tonight has put my mind in a flurry, and my heart rate and blood pressure is skyrocketing!!! I'm so MAD right now!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It doesn't help matters that I'm only just getting off of my anti d's. All of that pain and anguish rushed in on me tonight. I HATE that feeling!! And I was doing so great!!!

And then of course, H and I started getting into an arguement over this phone call. It's as though the last month or two has been wiped away, and we're starting from scratch again!!! AUGHHH!!!

I know I need to just calm down. But right now I need this vent on here, before I lose it on my H. This is one issue that we will NEVER come to terms with - EVER. It's already been an issue for 14 months, and things haven't changed. I really don't hold much hope for it happening in the future either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Karen

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Karen,

I am sorry that buddy guy friend called and I am sorry that your H dealt so poorly with the situation.

I don't like you to say "This is one issue that we will NEVER come to terms with - EVER. It's already been an issue for 14 months, and things haven't changed" There has to be a way to work thru this with your H, the two of you have come so far in all of this, don't let this be your stumbling block!!!

Obviously this friend is important to H and H seems to think that he needs to have friend in his life. BUT it is not right for friend to disrespect you or to lunge at you! Is there a way that perhaps once you've calmed down some thtat H and you could perhaps come to a compromise that H could see friend for and hour or two once or twice a month? Silly suggestion I know, but I don't like to see the pain that this causes you!! My thought is that if you are allowing H to see the friend then the friend will lose some of the specialness that he seems to have at this time with H. And H will lose interest in hanging around this friend at all, specially after not being around his influence for a month or better, the friend may look pretty stupid and H will not want or need to hang out with the guy. You don't come out looking like the bad guy that made H give up his friend. He came to the conclusion on his own!!

Just my 2 cents worth!!! Glad to have you vent here as opposed to H.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Topie25 Offline OP
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Thanks Dawn... you're awesome, you know that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've thought about suggesting to H that he and his friend spend some time together... but I've been burned in that before. Over and over and over again. My trust level with H, as far as the time he SAYS he'll spend with his friend, is non-existent. I just don't want to go down that road AGAIN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's interesting that you should mention that H might not find his friend so inviting afterall, should they start spending some time together again. H said something along those lines too.... that he's not sure what they would have to talk about now. My attitude perked up a bit when he said that... but then I was back to the same ol' "I don't want to go through that again".

I can see your point on this 'stumbling block' not being worth all of the aggrivation (and how you'd hate to see it be the be all and end all in my M)... but if I word it to you differently, do you think you'd have a changed opinion?

H's buddy guy friend is like another OW to me.

Enough said? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks for taking the time for me tonight. I wish I was in a better frame of mind to be here more for you and others tonight. But I'm too wrapped up in anger still, and that would taint my responses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Karen

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Karen,

The whole time that I was typing I was think the buddy guy friend is almost an OW. In ways he is by taking time away from you and the kids, by H telling him things that he should be telling you.

What if, I am only sending this out as a suggestion, so don't kill the messenger ok!! what if buddy guy friend was invited to your house for a ball game or something on the tube, you could dissappear for an hour or two and let them have their time, BUT you are in control as buddy guy friend won't want to be there when you return so he leaves before you get back. See what I mean???
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Topie25 Offline OP
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I do see what you mean... but that's something we've already tried. It didn't work. The visits became more and more frequent. And he wouldn't even bother calling before showing up!! And if he did... then H would forget to tell me about it. Either way, I was being disrespectfulled ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> - my new word for tonight! LOL) by both H and his friend. Btw, I DESPISE people who just 'drop by' all the time. Once in a while is fine... kinda fun too... but a few times per WEEK! THAT's pushing it.

Besides, I'm not backing down on getting him arrested if he comes back here again... and remember, I don't want him near my kids either. I don't trust him, and I fear for my own safety (and for his to be honest - b/c I don't trust ME, and what I might do should I see him again).

I do appreciate your suggestions hon... but don't rack your brains out on this one. I'm afraid we've tried just about everything, and to no avail (meaning, we aren't BOTH happy). And besides, I'm still in my 'mood', so I'm not one who can be rationalized with right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Karen

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I am taking that buddy guy friend is not married?
Gee I wonder why!!

Too bad H can't find a friend that is married and you like his wife!! Or vice a verse a, look for a new friend who's H yours might get along with!!

Good night!!! Hope there comes a solution somewhere for you!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Topie25 Offline OP
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Thanks Dawn... as I said already, you're awesome!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You're right... he's not married... and by the looks of it, he probably won't be for a VERY long time (however, he DID manage to get 2 - yes TWO - girls/women pregnant within a 5 month span!! Now THAT'S intelligence, eh? NOT!!!).

The Harley suggestion is for my H to stop all contact with buddy guy friend, and for he and I to make NEW friends whom we BOTH like. It makes sense to me! It's only a matter of getting H to see the logic in it, and forsee the immense benefits for our M too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good night too! I've got to get off of the computer. I have some 'homework' to do for tomorrow (I'm meeting with the regional coroner to go over Andrew's case file. Here's hoping we can get some closure on ANYTHING! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

Karen


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