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For anyone that has not been following my soap opera, heres a link to my old post, it was getting a little long:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019346

I am still in a "modified Plan B" state right now, letting him initiate the contact, when he does I will revert to Plan A but cautiously.

He told me yesterday in an email that it was over with OW. I have not contacted him since:

He just sent me this email this morning:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We need to have a very long heart to heart to get some things out, I feel like I am dying inside right now. I am sick of being so torn up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I respond to this? Should I suggest that we do this heart to heart with counseling.

Help, what do I do, waiting for answers until I respond!!

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

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Hi g_c,

I've been following your post. I would go for it and see what he has to say.
Think about Plan A!!!!!!!! What ever you do, STAY CALM!!!! Listen to all he has to say and let him see that you are really listening.

I remember when I had found out about my H affair, I was able to stay very calm. I was able to take him into my arms and comfort him. He let me and he even cryed in my arms.

Many months later, my H told me that this reaction was what actually made him want to stay with me. He had expected me to get real mad and scream and yell. This never happened.

Because of my calmness and no LBing he felt warmth and he felt understood. He really needed a shoulder to cry on and he needed to feel understood, mostly because he didn't understand himself.

Your H is withdrawing. This is definately very painfull for him. If you can be a "giver" at the moment and see what happens. (I know the pain you are going through, gosh, but be strong)

This is what I would and what I did when my H was feeling the way your H is and it worked for us.

I wish you luck and calmness
BB

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong>Listen to all he has to say and let him see that you are really listening.

I remember when I had found out about my H affair, I was able to stay very calm. I was able to take him into my arms and comfort him. He let me and he even cryed in my arms.

Many months later, my H told me that this reaction was what actually made him want to stay with me. He had expected me to get real mad and scream and yell. This never happened.

Because of my calmness and no LBing he felt warmth and he felt understood. He really needed a shoulder to cry on and he needed to feel understood, mostly because he didn't understand himself.

Your H is withdrawing. This is definately very painfull for him. If you can be a "giver" at the moment and see what happens. (I know the pain you are going through, gosh, but be strong)

This is what I would and what I did when my H was feeling the way your H is and it worked for us.

I wish you luck and calmness
BB</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I need to do that, it is going to be hard. What if he tells me he's still in love with OW, how do I respond to that?

Should I call him, or should I reply back to his email, what should I say to him, or just listen??

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GC,

I've been following the thread, the whole thing causes some real soul searching for you doesn't? Me too. I keep thinking what would I do......

I'd remember he is in withdrawal right now, and that has all the confusing effects we've seen others explain on the board. He is sick and tired of being sick and tired. Is this a bad thing?? i think you can remember when you were torn up, until YOU decided you were not going to be torn up anymore and focus on you. He is the one who must decide he will not be torn up anymore

I'd think he is looking for comfort from someone he may think is still available, this would be normal right. He want someone els to help him feel right, he just wants it right again without pain and possibly without working on it. We both know that won't happen.

I'd remember my boundries and conditions for restarting with him, he sounds like he wants that big R discussion with you, but he is still hurting from the withdrawal and may not be able to think straight, is that yor problem, only if you want straight thinking....

SC is right about he perception of your availability. You want him back, but with a big POJA...is he ready to even learn what that is???

How to answer him. Recognize his pain, grief. "I can see its tough for you right now..." and then let him know things should calm down a bit before you have that big talk. A day or two??

You are expecting his to ask you to let him come back. Are you ready for that? From what I read yes, but with the boundries in place and the rules agreed to. You question is then do you think he is ready to agree to anything in a committed manner....

The heart to heart with a counselor may not be bad, then the C can be the "bad" guy not you..
Can you two get with SH?

I wish i could suggest some phrase to say that would be magical, hope the best for you

DRS

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GC,

Reply to his email, let him know you are willing to listen, but not to make any decisions just yet. It's just two early to make those type of life long decisions. agree to a time a few days off, so things can cool down a bit??? I agree with BB, stay calm, stay strong, stay giving, if it turns out good or bad, you will be glad you stayed to better person you've learned to be...

DRS

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GC;
I would let him know you'd like a h-to-h very much, and listen to what he has to say.

Now this is important! DO NOT EDUCATE him, just let him talk, bring out what he needs to bring out, do not argue, especially about feelings, and only comment or answer if he asks you to.

I know, that is not going to be easy!

Then tell him you are grateful and happy that he trusts you and came to you to tell you all this, tell him you'll think about it and get back to him. That way you have time to calm down, cool off, think, plan, and go forward.

JMHO

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I think I'd meet with him and listen to what he has to say. Don't make him any promises or commit to anything. Don't give him the impression that he can always run back to you. That's the last thing you need! From my perspective I'd let this h to h involve his heart and not my own. Go, see where his head is at...do not open the door to him until he is thinking clearly.

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thanks for everyone's advice, I feel like I am the strong one right now. For some reason I think God had to make me strong and bring WH to his low point in order for things to work out for his will.

I replied back to him just now and said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm sorry you're in pain, I'll be here when you are ready to talk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something simple, I think?

I know he is going through withdrawal, but he does not know what he is going through, I really wish I could get him to read SAA. I'm scared he is going to say that it is too painful to forget about OW and there's no future with us.

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I just rec'd the reply to my email.

It says:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am planning on coming back to (our hometown) tomorrow night we can talk then. We
really need to get some things out, or at least I do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW, he has been staying with one of his friends closer to his work.

OK, now what should I think, how should I respond?

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Same plan. You meet him, let him talk and you don't commit to anything. Nothing has changed.

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So what do I say if he says "I'm miserable, I'm still in love with OW, I want to back to her, this will never work"

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I guess my question would be, "then why are we talking?"

Let God's thoughts come to you...like Moses did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Willy1:
<strong>I guess my question would be, "then why are we talking?"

Let God's thoughts come to you...like Moses did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not for sure what to think or do anymore, I'm starting to think I have wasted over 18 months for nothing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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Please, hear him out BEFORE you freak. I know it is easier said than done, but do your best not to put thoughts in his head right now.

I imagine you are on pins and needles, dying to know what he is going to tell you. I would be too! If he does say he wants out of the M, you WILL survive, and it will be HIS loss.

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The intention of plan B is not to show the WS what they're missing. It's to make you look after your own needs with or without the WS. So what if goes back to her, you began your plan B to help yourself, not him! The last 18 months were not a waste. You did everything you could to make the marriage work, you can honestly say that to yourself...that's what the 18 months were about.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by findingmywayback:
<strong>Please, hear him out BEFORE you freak. I know it is easier said than done, but do your best not to put thoughts in his head right now.

I imagine you are on pins and needles, dying to know what he is going to tell you. I would be too! If he does say he wants out of the M, you WILL survive, and it will be HIS loss.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I noticed that you were the WS, did you have any withdrawal or doubts, if so, what is a BS to do?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>The intention of plan B is not to show the WS what they're missing. It's to make you look after your own needs with or without the WS. So what if goes back to her, you began your plan B to help yourself, not him! The last 18 months were not a waste. You did everything you could to make the marriage work, you can honestly say that to yourself...that's what the 18 months were about.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I have tried, I never had the opportunity to do a true PLAN A, he just moved right out of my life

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I'm headed towards the anger tunnel of my roller coaster.

Why do I want him back after what he has put me through, why, if he has more feelings for someone else than me.

Why do I have to listen to HIM about how hard it is for him?
What about my feelings, I'm not the one who chose to have an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

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Deep breath and calm down. Waaaaay down! you are nervous about this upcoming meeting. Understandable. Don't let your anxieties get the best of you. Plan B was for you, not him. Plan B was to help you look after yourself with or without him. The last 18 months weren't a waste. At this point you can honestly say to yourself you did everything you could to make the M work...the next steps are up to him.

Nothing has changed. You go to the meeting, listen to what he has to say, make no commitments one way or the other, no hasty decisions on your part. Let him figure this out on his own, you can't fix this.

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Whatever happens, whatever he says, please try to stay calm and focused on your goal. Time (good times to come once you and H have repaired your marriage) is the best healer of hurts. A strong emotional reaction from you tonight will just hurt the two of you further. Show him how much YOU have changed (Plan A! Plan A!), show him you can be trusted.

If he mentions his loss of feelings for you and his feelings for the OW, I would suggest gently taking responsibility. Tell him "I acknowledge my part in our marriage suffering. I've learned a lot about how to be a better spouse. You've probably seen some of these changes. I know we can regain what we've lost," or something along those lines. Don't lick the floor or anything, but be honest and take responsibility. The best thing to bring back a wandering spouse is the trust that the marriage CAN be repaired and the faithful spouse WILL do his/her part, too.

Remember your new-found strength and let that be your guide - you can do it!

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