Let me first tell you about my marriage. I have been married 17 years and have 2 boys ages 12 and 13. My husband and I don't get along very well. We argue a fair amount or just avoid each other totally. There is no emotional connection or intamacy. In fact he sleeps on the couch and we haven't had sex in about 3 years. I guess we basically don't like each other. I don't really know how we got where we are but we are here. I am staying in this marriage for my children. We have discussed that in argument also. When these kids are grown I am gone.
About a month ago I was on a site where classmates register and can contact each other. I saw a old boyfriend on there, from when I was in junior high, and I haven't talked to him since we were out of school. I thought what the heck I am going to write him. We started emailing each other and then he took the chance and said could we get together to talk instead of this email thing. He is also married and in a similar situation. We have been seeing each other now several times and have discovered a real connection. We can talk about anything and feel very comfortable with each other. There are no expectations from either of us. We enjoy being together and talking and holding and kissing. So far there is no sex involved but we have discussed it and we have discussed our sex lives with each other. As I said we talk about everything and sometimes we are amazed that we talk about these things that we have never told anyone before. We care about each other very much...in fact have said "I love you". He knows where I stand with my kids. I just don't know where to go from here. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can we do this for the next 6 years until my boys are out of school? I think about him all the time and can't wait to see him again. He feels the same for me. He lives about 50 miles away so it isn't every day I see him . Maybe only once a week. It is strange because I know this is wrong but I'm not sure if I even feel guilty about it even though I probably should. Anyone have any advice or anything they can share to help me out. I don't feel that there is a future for my marriage.

dgtc: From what I have learned on this site you have already started the affair, it is at this point an emmotional affair, getting to be a physical . I contacted my ow the same way you did, but she started by trying to help me by getting me to go to counseling, and the ball rolled down hill from there. You cannot go on like this for six years. You either make a go of your marriage or go for the big "D". The best thing I can tell you is what was passed to me: go back to the home page read everything you can on this site and every post you can. I have been married 19 years,and I too was sleeping on the couch. Read, make desison, Do!!

DJ

If you are hoping for validation or encouragement for what you are doing, you've come to the wrong place.

If, on the other hand, you would like help figuring out what went wrong with your marriage and perhaps how to fix it, then this is the right place for you. You, your husband and your children will thank you for taking this, the more difficult route.

As it stands, you are getting into something far, far worse than even a terrible marriage could be. Now you will not only have a much more terrible marriage, but when your husband finds out what you are doing, who knows what will happen.

If your marriage is so terrible, then the right thing to do is to divorce him and THEN find another man, and make sure that man IS NOT married! Don't for a moment believe that you are doing your children any favors by staying in a bad marriage. You are not. And an even worse fate awaits them if you continuie this affair you have started.

Yep, you are right. There is no future for your marriage when you are investing your energy with another man. Yes, it IS an affair. Yes, it is adultery, infidelity, etc. Perhaps if you figured out what needs this man is filling that your H should be, you would have a marriage.

If you haven't even tried to make it work or gone to counseling, of course it won't be a good relationship. It's like a garden. If you neglect it, it will die.

Is this other man married? Just remember that what they do WITH you, they will do to you. Discussing your sex life with this man is VERY disrespectful to your husband.

What you are experiencing is a chemical rush, an addiction. Similar to alcohol or drugs. You need to see him to get that high. You feel awful and crash when you can't see him. It's called INFATUATION. Just like high school kids. It wears off eventually. I'm sure you think he's 'your soulmate.' Most people in affairs feel that way. Then one day reality creeps into their fantasy world and they start to see the truth. Often it's too late and they've ruined their marriage and hurt a lot of people in the process.

You sound like a martyr, staying for the kids. Do you think they are getting good role models for a healthy relationship? Not quite.

I would suggest you and your H get into counseling. If he won't go, go alone. Don't break a commandment for a short lived 'high.' It's not worth it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dgtc500:
<strong>About a month ago I was on a site where classmates register and can contact each other. I saw a old boyfriend on there, from when I was in junior high, and I haven't talked to him since we were out of school. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I'd consider it a public service if someone would shut down every one of those classmates sites. Really. Do you have any idea how many people around here can say that their spouse found his/her one true love/soulmate by getting back in touch with former girl/boyfriends they found listed on those sites?

And it's all so perfectly innocent - right up until it isn't.

Once upon a time, you actually loved that man who sleeps on the couch. Get rid of the OM and take the time to figure out what it was that made you love your H in the first place and find out if you can love him again, and if he can love you back.

Let the OM's marriage live or die on its own. No matter what he's telling you about his marriage or his wife, she does not deserve your interference in her marriage. And it *will* come back to bite you in the [censored].

dgtc500,

The others are right in saying that you are already in an affair. An affair is when emotional and/or sexual energy go outside the marriage. One thing about affairs is that they are almost always discovered. Very often people who are having affairs often go out of their way (though subtly) to make sure their spouse finds out. After all what’s the purpose of it if you cannot get a rise out of your spouse? My H’s affairs lasted for 2.5 years. As time when on he got more and more sloppy about hiding things. When I finally realized what was going on I was shocked to see that he’d been wagging evidence under my nose for months. There were papers on the Kitchen counter and in our bedroom with note of the women’s phone numbers and names. I just never read all the notes he left all over.. just piled them up neatly when I cleaned. As time goes on you will be the one who makes sure your husband knows, that he knows that he’s hurt you to the point that you did this. Do you really what to go there?

And your OM will play the same game with his wife. Do you really want this?

You are not a victim in your marriage. You are at least 50% responsible for the state it is in. If your H is sleeping on the coach then you too have let him down. There are no good guys or bad guys here. There are only two sane paths to take….

1 – get a divorce now. This is not helping your children in any way. It will devastate them if you divorce their father right after high school. I’ve seen kids really flounder in their early adult years with a divorce at that time. The sooner the better with lots and lots of outside help.

2 – And this is the one all of us here are routing for. End your affair. Give your marriage 1-2 years. Read all of the material on this website and www.divorcebusting.com . then work your rump off to recover your marriage. Then if you recover your marriage you will have one happy family. If you do not recover your marriage you will have done everything in your power. You will be free to leave with a fee conscience.

In the end you will be the one who suffers the most from your affair. It will hurt your husband and your children. But it will be the worse thing you have ever done.

Dear Donna

I am a WS and have recently started posting on this website, read SAA and all the materials that people mention. The advice you have been given is good, and you should listen to it and read it very carefully. It is all true and if you can be honest with yourself makes good sense.

The only thing I would add is this - I was unhappy in my marriage, S was non existent pretty much too, I thought my H and I only rubbed along together, and then along came OM - bang!!! Wow, amazing how happy I am now and how he meets all my needs. H finds out - bang again!! Disaster, upset, lying, betrayal, hurt, devastation, pain, anger, ripped up, deceit, and every other nasty, horrible word you can think of in your vocabulary. Do you want to put your children through that? Please, DO NOT GO THERE with your old school friend.

Follow the advice given here - see if you can give your marriage a chance to work by reading the info/books on this website, or DV your husband and then find a single man who can meet your needs.

Good luck, and stay strong.

Thanks to everyone who replied. You have really given me something to think about.

dgtc500:
Please read my thread

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=011612;p=1

I was just in your situation about a month and a half ago. It was an old flame who ingnited something in me that felt so amazing. One of my friends asked me one question that I will live by for the rest of my life: When I was making excuses to her and justifying my actions for just "remaining friends" after we'd already crossed lines, she said, "Can you tell your H about it and feel good?" I said of course I can't. And there was my answer.

Moral of the story: All of your decisions you make about this other man and your marriage should pass free and clear through your
"husband-filter". If you can't tell him EVERYTHING that you are doing, then it's not right and it's not honest.

If you can tell your H what you are going through and he really woudn't mind, then your marriage is probably over anyway. But he is human and he WILL mind and it will wreak havoc. Insane havoc!

Please do yourself a favor and stop all contact immediately with this person. It will hurt and you will go through withdrawal similar to an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but in the end, the pain you will experience if you proceed and face the heat later will burn you so much more.

Please stop now while it still has that new feeling. There is so much more to figure out about your marriage and how you have changed in it, than what lies ahead for you and old boyfriend. He's married also. If you TRULY care for him, let him go back to his wife and be the man he needs to be.

Good luck...

~birdie

I've been contacted by two old boyfriends since registering on Classmates. One of them is happily married and wanted to thank me for giving him a kick in the *ss when he needed it; the other was obviously looking for some kind of connection. He is unhappily married for 20 years.

It's flattering when people you knew 20 years ago get in touch with you. But that's as far as it should ever go.

I regaled the 2nd guy with a whole bunch of MB stuff and suggested he come here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That's awesome D&C! Hopefully we'll have a new recruit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Donna,

I know exactly where you are at. I was there last October, the only difference is that my wife and I have no kids and the OW was single and available. I knew based on all the emotional distress that we were both feeling that this was not right, and the OW and I both tried to cut it off at least three times and yet still ended up in bed together. Stop it now while it is still early. You need to work on and evaluate your marriage first and if it has no hope to fulfill your emotional needs, then you can end it and then try to find someone who is not "out of bounds". I had talked myself into leaving my marriage for the OW, but I was very concerned about the odds of us actually being able to pull off a committed relationship/marriage. And it probably would've failed and then both myself and the OW would've been devastated. The feelings you are having are very strong though and you'll be tempted to do things you wouldn't if you really gave it some thought. I still can't believe how impulsive I was in both the EA/PA.

Randy

DGTC,

Fortunately for me (probably unfortunately for you) I cannot speak from any level of experience beyond a brief emotional affair on my wife's part (reached out to one of my best friends a few years ago - met one on one a couple of times), so I guess you could say I'm a WH? Not sure what that abbreviation means but I'm guessing Wounded Husband? Could mean Widowed Husband and if that's the case then count me out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Everyone here seems to have covered the practical end of why you should not pursue what it is you already know you should not pursue and yet for some reason cannot bring yourself to stop pursuing. Do you have a relationship with God the Father through His Son Jesus Christ? If not, now would be a good time to consider it with all of your heart and soul. The future of your marriage depends on this alone IMHO. With that, we know that "The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom," and that the Apostle Paul instructed us to "work out our salvation with fear and trembling." Neither of these statements mean we should be quaking in our boots under a tyrannical God that will strike us down due to our sins, but what it does mean is that we do need to feel convicted enough and be knowledgeable enough in and by God's Word that we adhere to it. God says that adultery is a sin, Jesus went on to say that any man who has committed adultery in his mind has already broken this commandment, so already God grieves at your sin and your choosing of the flesh over the Spirit in this instance. I am flinging judgement here in any way, I am simply trying to relay another reason why you should reconsider your sinful actions to date and realize that the very God who created you is in grief over your choices in regard to this OM. The wages of sin are death, both physically (sooner or later) and spiritually, your relationship with God will suffer if you continue down this path, your spirit will wither and you will grow in knowledge of this world that is ruled by the evil one. We should live in this world but not be of this world, and right now you are in this world sister. Seek prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to give you a new heart for what you know you should be doing but are not doing, and to convict you enough that you can stop doing what you know you should not be doing and give you strength to somehow repair that which seems unrepairable at this stage of the game. I'm certain many will be praying for you from MB. God Bless You and God Keep you and may his countenance and sense of peace be upon you during this difficult time...

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Craig Baldwin ]</small>

Craig,

Just a quick note: WH is "wayward husband" and BS is "betrayed spouse". So you were close, but way off at the same time!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>Craig,

Just a quick note: WH is "wayward husband" and BS is "betrayed spouse". So you were close, but way off at the same time!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there some place that references all these acronyms so I can come up to speed quickly? Thanks for the feedback! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />