As some of you may know, I've got my plan B written and ready to deliver with Steve H's endorsement. A few weeks ago my W told me she wanted to sell the house. I told her I'd get some paperwork together (market analysis, real estate contract, property disclosure form, etc.). Well, I've got all the paperwork together and was planning on giving it to her so she can put the house on the market and follow up with the plan B letter, but there's a snag.

She called me last week to tell me her father was diagnosed with congenative heart failure. He is hospitalized right now to have some tests done and his meds adjusted. He should be home Thursday and she'll be staying with my in-laws to help out for a few days. My dilema, do I tell her I have the paperwork ready or wait for her to bring it up? Also, I want to be there for her during this time but I am SO ready for plan B. My FIL's condition could drag on for months and I'm not sure what to do. Another snag, we have our first court date 9/9 to begin the financial settlement and I really wanted to send the letter before then. I guess I could just give her the paperwork and leave it up to her to put the house on the market when she's ready. As I said, I want to be her there for her through this difficult time, but on the other hand since she doesn't want me as her H, I don't want to be used either. Since I moved out last month, she's called me dozens of times with questions, problems around the house or because she needed a favor and it really bothers me and makes me feel taken for granted. Maybe I'll just wait a week and see how things go with her father. What to do?

sad dad

Hi Sad Dad:

What do you have to lose by waiting? Given the circumstances, it is certainly is not the best time to impliment a Plan B...I'm afraid she would just feel you were deserting her in a time of need. Wait a while...see what happens...if she wants to pursue the house sale she can ask you about it herself. Stay in the background...available but not too available...sometimes sickness in the family makes people realize what is really important to them...and who really loves them. Demonstrate that love to her in the face of her own rejection...it makes you the better person.

buffy,

Sound advice. Hope to hear from others.

Saddad...that is a tough one. My gut says to wait it out. I think she really needs you right now and if I were in her shoes, abandoned is exactly what I would feel. It would also "verify" the idea that you're a bad guy or something. One of the best things H did during all of our crap was to always be caring and helpful. And remember...I assured him many many times that I didn't want him as my H. I guess the main thing is what can you handle?

tricky one, tricky one.

if you let her down now, whe will *definately* realise that she cant take you for granted, she will definately recognise the extent by which you always have been there for her.
however, at the same time, she will also realise that you have let her down in this critical moment.

on the other hand, if you help her now, the saga continues as usual, as it always did, with no real change in attitude and motivation. based on that, you can't expect any gratitude, regognition or even change in behaviour from your wife.

Now both of these options dont sound very compelling, especially when put in context of real life pressure dates such as your 9/9 appointment. I would go for the second option, however, as the first option is likely to close a door shut. At the same time, I wouldnt force the house issue at all - if she is driving for that strongly, then you know that, despite your helping her, she wants to get rid of you.

Hi SD! I am glad you posted with your latest update as I've been wondering about you. I too agree with the other posters that you should wait at least a wk before taking any action. I realize that your W may very well be all for selling the house HOWEVER I know from my own experience that my H often mentioned selling our home and finding me a smaller house and even found an apt for himself but right when it came time to sign a lease he freaked out and reconsidered.If your W was so truly intent on selling the house it would have been sold already. Since it isn't- wait a bit until she adjusts to her dad's new condition before pursuing your plans. I think this is a matter of common courtesy too. ( though I realize full well your W has not been considerate of YOUR feelings it still does not mean you should sink to her level.) Take care- lifeismessy PS I got a new part -time afternoon job at a church daycare center . I work every day assisting a teacher there. I am trying to make some money to ease our financial stress from all the bills racked up from our marital crisis last year!

Hi SD! I am glad you posted with your latest update as I've been wondering about you. I too agree with the other posters that you should wait at least a wk before taking any action. I realize that your W may very well be all for selling the house HOWEVER I know from my own experience that my H often mentioned selling our home and finding me a smaller house and even found an apt for himself but right when it came time to sign a lease he freaked out and reconsidered.If your W was so truly intent on selling the house it would have been sold already. Since it isn't- wait a bit until she adjusts to her dad's new condition before pursuing your plans. I think this is a matter of common courtesy too. ( though I realize full well your W has not been considerate of YOUR feelings it still does not mean you should sink to her level.) Take care- lifeismessy PS I got a new part -time afternoon job at a church daycare center . I work every day assisting a teacher there. I am trying to make some money to ease our financial stress from all the bills racked up from our marital crisis last year!

Hi SD! I am glad you posted with your latest update as I've been wondering about you. I too agree with the other posters that you should wait at least a wk before taking any action. I realize that your W may very well be all for selling the house HOWEVER I know from my own experience that my H often mentioned selling our home and finding me a smaller house and even found an apt for himself but right when it came time to sign a lease he freaked out and reconsidered.If your W was so truly intent on selling the house it would have been sold already. Since it isn't- wait a bit until she adjusts to her dad's new condition before pursuing your plans. I think this is a matter of common courtesy too. ( though I realize full well your W has not been considerate of YOUR feelings it still does not mean you should sink to her level.) Take care- lifeismessy PS I got a new part -time afternoon job at a church daycare center . I work every day assisting a teacher there. I am trying to make some money to ease our financial stress from all the bills racked up from our marital crisis last year!

Thanks to all for some good advice. I think I'll just wait it out for a while (the story of my life), see how it goes with her father and let her bring up the house. Once that's a priorty for her again, I assume her father will be out of the woods and I can proceed as planned.

sad dad

P.S. lifeismessy - I think it's great that you are going to work. It will give you a break from your kids. I know you'll be with other kids, but it's not the same. Good luck!

ditto buffy

sad dad, you are a Man of integrity. You know what is the right thing to do. Find the strength and be a husband.

Oh, and see if Steve has any specific recommendations.

CHF can (most of the time) be medically managed very well ... with proper care and observation .... there may be years of quality living left for her dad.

Just so you know. This is sometimes an acute problem ... but mostly it's a chronic process. Once he is stabilized , I think your plans could realistically be resumed (if that's what you want).

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

WAT,

Yes, I am a man of integrity and I will support her through this as much as she'll let me. It's just the way I am. It wolud be so much easier if I didn't still love her.

Pepperband,

I hope you're right, he's a good man. He's had years of heart problems though. Two open heart surgeries, several heart related aneurisms. Truth is he's been living on borrowed time for years, but he keeps hanging in there. Hopefully it will be treated correctly and he'll have years of good living ahead of him.

sad dad

double post

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Just a quick update. My FIL is home and seems to be doing well. Now it's just wait and see when she brings up selling the house again. I expect that to be very soon. It's been 3 weeks since we last talked about it and she's done nothing towards getting the house ready, it's a mess.

Hard to figure her out. Her actions (or inaction)
don't match her words. Next Monday is our first financial court date, which should be an eye opener. It's not as simple as dividing the proceeds of the house. My lawyer will be asking for a portion of her profit sharing, which I'm entitled to and which I doubt she expects.

sad dad

<small>[ September 01, 2002, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Seems I spoke too soon. I stopped at the house to drop our daughter off and noticed my W has started getting the house in order, in fact she took our wedding pictures down. I guess I can expect a call soon regarding selling the house.

She's obviuosly intent on following through with this, however slowly. Plan B isn't far off it appears, which is OK with me. I can't proceed with selling the house and the divorce while still being in almost daily contact with her.
Plan B for me isn't about saving my marriage, that's out of my hands. It's about letting her know where I stand, what I want, what's acceptable to me and protecting myself. I don't want to be hurt any further and I can't be a part of her life anymore, not under these circumstances.

sad dad

Looks like once again, you showed that you are there for her, but once again, she doesnt respond.
Out of my interest: how do you think to implement the plan B logistics with your child? how old is he/she? how will you split custody?

Nick,

We already have a custody agreement in place. My W has her on M & Th. I have her on T & W. We alternate weekends. It's a true 50/50 shared custody arrangement. Pick ups/drop offs are done thru daycare and there is very little interaction between the two of us. We both call daily to speak to our daughter. She is four and seems to be handling this very well so far. Plan B won't be much different than the way things currently are, except that she will now know what I want, why I've been so distant/detached and that she will no longer be able to rely on me as a H when she has a question, problem around the house or needs a favor. It will give her a true idea of what being divorced will be like, but more importantly it will remove me from a painful situation. Deep down I still hope it has some affect, but if nothing else, assuming she abides by no contact, it will allow me to move on and begin to heal.

sad dad

Dear SD,

I am sorry for your situation and your pain. Was reading a bit on another of your threads about custody issues.

Just to say, my sister is divorced and has joint physical (50-50) with her exH. He lives about a mile away, but in a different school district. Anyway, it seems to be working out quite well. I think the key is not to live too far away from one another. I know there are some issues about where your wife can afford to live- maybe she could live just over the line in a cheaper area?

In my sister's case, I think the good thing is that her two daughters do feel like they still do have both parents. They have not lost their father's presence in their lives. My exBIL has become a better father I think because of this. It's not always easy but it's doable if you set it up right. In my hometown there are quite a few parents that are also doing joint custody. The key is PROXIMITY.

Note that even in the traditional primary custody setup- proximity is still a big issue. Teenagers often don't want to spend their weekends with Dad in another town far away from their home because their social lives are so important to them.

Another thing to think about- if your wife got primary custody, your daughter would have to attend school in your wife's district. Laws vary, but usually you have to demonstrate that you have at least joint physical custody for your child to enroll in your local district. If you are the higher wage earner, able to afford a better district, this could be an argument in favor of you getting joint physical!

Still, wish you weren't going through this.......

sad dad:

A question for you that maybe you've discussed with SH. What is the point of Plan B if the divorce is moving forward, especially with divorce related meetings? Seems like with meetings on the financial stuff, etc., you guys will have some contact, albeit, irregular. Do the divorce proceedings move that slowly in your state that there is time for a good Plan B? I guess I'm wondering if the Harley Plan B model is possible in the middle of divorce proceedings?

HoFS

stupid question, but here I go anyway, as I am not a lawyer and have never talked to a lawer about divorce:
what if you just dont lift a finger in the whole process, even refuse signature? I mean, you dont want it, your wife wants it, so why be compliant in terms of coming to meetings, fighting over issues etc etc? why not just disengage?

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>