Seems to be some confusion on more than a couple of threads about doormathood and Plan A.

Steve Harley says that if you feel like a doormat in Plan A, then you are doing a good job.

Why do you feel like a doormat in a GOOD Plan A?

Because we all have a Giver and a Taker. The Giver and Taker in balance and in a healthy relationship make sure that your needs are met, and that your partner's needs are met. A balanced Giver and Taker in combination with a POJA make for a marriage that protects and fulfills needs in a way that is mutually satisfying to BOTH. There is no doormathood in a POJA, because there is mutual respect and protection. Boundaries aren't needed between the couple - the boundaries enclose the couple as a unit - making them a compatible, intimate team.

But in Plan A, our Giver has to step up to the plate and we have to put the Taker on hold.

This means having to smile, act cheerful, perform acts of love (fill ENs), and root out lovebusters - when our Taker is raging inside, wanting to scream, cry, hurt back, beg, appease - whatever it takes to get our needs met, our world fixed and to get everything rebalanced.

This is why Dr. Harley says we can't follow our instincts - our instincts get us into trouble. Our Taker wants us to withdraw, to defend, to attack, to demand, to force the situation back into control.

We have to ignore our Taker in Plan A. It means having emotions, but choosing actions that are not emotionally based, but rather rationally based.

This means that we will FEEL like a doormat. That FEELING is because of a restrained Taker. This is why Plan A is only a limited timeline and Plan B is so important...because Plan A, done well, WILL drain a lovebank - since there is no Taker standing by to plug the leaks.

It seems though, that alot of people think that Plan A means suffering through extreme abuse. It does not mean lying down and allowing the WS to actively harm the BS or the BS children. It does not mean tiptoeing around the WS trying to appease or afraid to upset the WS by taking care of basic needs (finances, health - both emotional and physical). Boundaries HAVE to go into place, because there is NO safety - you have separate, conflicting agendas as long as there is an OP. Those boundaries shouldn't come down until there is proof of safety.

I discovered along the way, during my husband's affair, that the fastest way to get other people to respect me, including my husband, was to respect MYSELF.

You see, I interpreted the biblical "Love others as you love yourself" to mean: "Love others MORE than yourself - in fact, Love Others, NOT yourself because loving yourself is SELFISH and Others won't like you and if Others don't like you then you are worthless."

I put my self worth and my self respect in the hands of "others". And I was truely a DOORMAT in the ugliest sense of the word. That's a huge fact in what ultimately destroyed our marriage.

When I learned to tune out the "Others" including my husband, and started putting in boundaries to take care of myself, I was able to start making real choices about my behavior. I was able to really plan A. Funny - I didnt' really learn how to do a fantastic Plan A until I was headed into divorce court. If that's not an example of boundaries (needed to ensure financial safety of myself and the kids) while in Plan A, I don't know what is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But it started with mental boundaries. I learned to choose my actions rather than react to my emotions. That "Detachment with Love" gave me the ability to smile, act cheerful, nonchalant, and to get on with my life while my husband was self-destructing. I learned how to be happy, even though there was crisis galore in my life. As I learned how to do this, it became easier to do outward things - like insist on a visitation schedule, without the presence of OW, and to be ready to enforce it legally.

What I did was turn my Taker into a non-lovebusting protector. I had to learn to turn that Taker away from self-demands and judgements on my husband and to intentionally turn that taker in other directions.

I'd love to ask Steve about this some time...but I think that learning to point that Taker elsewhere, keeps it busy and keeps the lovebank from exhausting itself as quickly.

Anyway, I hope this helps, or maybe some other vetrans can hop in here with anything I've missed.

Plan A makes you FEEL like a Doormat. It doesn't mean you act like one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thoughtful post BR.

I think Plan A is also attitude and goal-setting. If you conciously plan your actions & reactions and know there is a reason for what you are doing, there's less of the feeling of doormat and more a feeling of accomplishing what you've intended.

BrambleRose

Thanks for this thread.. it is very badly needed.

Wow, thanks BR! What a great explanation of the doormat syndrome! I don't believe I have ever heard such a great description to help understand Plan A/doormat feelings. Thank you and I hope others can benefit from your words of wisdom!
BH

Thanks again. Most questions I have are no longer questions.
On my back it says WELCOME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks BR,
The Harleys should put that explanation in their books. I wish I had read it 9 months ago. I was down the road to total DOORMATHOOD, but thank God I was able to see the real reasons for Plan A and start respecting myself before it was too late. My D proceeding was also a catalyst for me in realizing my failure to respect myself and the role it played in the break-up of our M. I only hope that my H can see the changes, I still would like my Plan A to result in some change in my relationship but I can see now the reason for doing a good Plan A no matter the outcome of your R. Thanks for your great post.

Sharon

BRAVO BR!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BrambleRose,

that is an excellent post, as I have seen alot about this lately as well. Steve Harley pretty much said the same thing you did, Plan A will make you feel like a doormat (especially at first), and which is why they highly recommend anti-D's if you are having a hard time . (I was on Anti-Ds at first but then went off)

Most importantly, Plan A is so much about improving yourself and how you want to be. It causes you to have alot of self-reflection about your actions and reactions to situations that occurred in your marriage.

You are correct, you have to have respect for yourself first, and you have to build that self-worth and confidence within yourself. That is your responsbility, no one elses. When you have an aura of self-confidence and not being the victim (weak and whining), the WS will notice.

Also, I am a firm believer in how you treat others, you will receive the same in return. For example if you LB someone, they will give it right back, and that is for any situation in your life, not just your marriage. Plan A has helped me to see my "disrespectful" and "controlling" behavior, not only toward WH, but with work and friends.

Plan A is not for the weak, you have to be a strong person to do it, and do it well. The boundaries are set with your own self when you decide that your WS's actions and comments towards you will not affect the way you feel. After all, this is their opinions and feelings, not yours.

Keep it coming!!

I guess I also needed to add is that every situation is different, and Steve Harley will have to assess the situation to figure out the right Plan and how long that Plan should last, etc.

Since WH moved out before I found out about the affair, Plan A was much easier to implement because I did not have to see deal with him all the time. Thats why Steve has me on a more modified version for myself, especially since there are no children

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

Lor ~ I agree completely. If you have a plan, then you lessen the feeling of just flailing around blindly - it also takes you out of a "victim" mentality. It definitely empowers.

Unfortunately though, that planning goes against instincts. The Taker is urging a totally different "plan" and hence the continued frustration from feeling like a doormat.

But as you said, having a goal means that you may FEEL like a doormat, but you aren't ACTING like one!

Zorweb ~ your welcome!

Sol1tair ~ I'm glad you are making personal progress!

uteconf footballwidow ~ ahhhh, you are finally getting it. Plan A is for you. We are all here to help each other SURVIVE an affair. There's no guarantee, no promise of a specific outcome. But you WILL survive and come out a better person, regardless.

hurtbuthealing ~ thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

going_crazy ~ Yes, Steve knows there is no "one size fits all". I know someone with no children, whom he sent straight to Plan B BEFORE plan A. She wasn't strong enough for Plan A - she used Plan B to get strong, and then did do a Plan A until her husband went back to the OW. She's now divorcing, BUT, she is such a fantasticly strong, healthy BETTER woman coming out of this! I've held her hand as she went through the transformation and its amazing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But the underlying truths still remain, regardless of the logistics of how you carry out your particular plan.

Disrespecting yourself by ACTING like a doormat is NOT Plan A. If you FEEL like a doormat in Plan A, it is because you've put your Taker on a leash, and are choosing to work a plan that goes against your Taker agenda. That's OK.

What's not ok is allowing grave harm to yourself and your children and calling it Plan A.

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</small>

Bumping this up because it's all so true!

As always, BR, well said! You're a star!

love,
VE

bump

I guess I need help figuring out how to implement plan A and when to start plan B?

I feel totally out of control. My H after being gone 4 months came home and said he wanted a divorce and in less than 2 weeks he's gone again for over 2 months with the military. He says he's not in love with me but loves me--and has no desire to work on anything.

He claims he didn't have an affair but my gut tells me he had an emotional affair and that's why he's so forgiving to himself.

While he was home I faught every natural desire to be angry and so forth. I did cry a lot and wouldn't eat but I couldn't help myself. I did however try to be supportive and positive. Bought him Chrisitian inspirational cards and a devotional book to take with him. Believe you me I felt like a doormat and an idiot being so nice to a guy who just told me he wants a divorce and is having a long distance relationship with a mutual friend.

So, When do I start B? Do I support him while he's in Iraq with packages, letters, e mail. Or move to B even though he hasn't admitted an affair? I want to look out for myself too--which means I would move across the country to be near friends and family.

You guys seem to have a really good handle on this issue, please help.

**Bump up** for all people in Plan A who feel lousy ....

This message by BrambleRose is excellant!

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 07:11 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

bumping this one up up up

Someone wrote and I can't find it....but I believe it was starfish...who talks about NOT being doormat...BUT that Plan A...should feel like a welcome home mat...it is a beautiful post...and if someone knows it...has it...bump it up....

but people that are struggling witth plan a need to change their attitude and approach about it...

NOW I want to preface this that I do not believe that you are in competition with OP..that you have to beat the OW>...but yet...the tone and thought process is along that long..but it does stop short of real competition...

you are who you are, as threeisa eloquently reminded us....
in plan A...you find you in all this chaos...and you celebrate...

NO betrayed spouse here is lovable because they are on the receiving end of their spouses "love"..

and nor are they "unlovable" based on their spouses withdrawl and removal of their "love"..

Each of you holds great value to this universe....REGARDLESS of their spouses actions....

plan a is about finding that with in and holding on to it....

NOT sitting like a deer in head lights....

Plan a tasks that are missed can be simple simple petty things....

you got choices when that WS walks in the door each time..
you alone control who it is they encounter...and the more in control of yourself you are..
the more you show them someone calm and rational..
the more you show them an environment of safety and calm...the more you will draw them to them....

this does not mean you do not speak your pain...oh you speak it all right...but you speak it calmly and logically...

the more you decrease the chaos of you and their (the OP) encounters...the more you defuse the power that helps fuel the affair...

imagine that the OP...and the WS...can spend time focused on the BS behaviors and actions...
see how out of control she/he is...
see how controling they are...
blah...

that the OP...has a picture in their mind of the poor WS going home to a shrew who rides their a@@ all night and gives them grief..it feeds right in to their counter attack of come to me poor beat upon WS...and I will give you shelter...

become an equal shelter...and suddenly the OP doesn't have so much power.....

Also the more you change your tone and approach..the more you get the attention of the WS...EVEN when you don't think they are listening...WS here say they were listening hard....

I keep talking about that stupid perfume commercial years ago...

If you want to get someones attention whisper...

whisper your plan A....

some people think that plan a is about just giving in to every thing and going belly up...but it's not...it's about making a choice that in each interaction...
whether it is something petty and superficial..
or even a deep and painful encounter...that the choice is there how to respond...and more you can respond in a control calm manner...the more the WS has to really deal with YOU...and YOUR HURT>>..

you deflect the silly, histrionic stuff that deflects from the real issues...and the REAL onus of responsibility of the WS actions...

each encounter that you are begging, pleading...and God forbid powerstruggling insane stuff.....feeds the WS belief that

this won't work
things won't change
you are out of control..
blah blah blah....

do not hand the WS a loaded weapon to be used on you.....

so create yourself and your home not so much to be a doormat....but a welcome home mat...
takes loads of humility...but after each encounter where you hold it together....you will feel stronger...more in control...

speak your pain...
speak you expectations...
but speak them as lovingly as you can...

ARK

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

I have thoroughly enjoyed this thread. I've apparently stepped out of bounds with plan A.

I have been nice . . . BUT I have has painful crying jags with him too. I literly asked/begged him to stop the pain. He sat with no emotion.
I like the idea of it being a "welcome home mat".

I need to work on the crying though.

Must admit this is difficult to pull off with WS spending nights at OW house. We have no children and so there is little need for him to directly contact me. He has been good about returning my calls and willing to come spend evening to talk.
But he makes no effort to contact me . . . seems I haven't given him much chance too, now that I think about it. I'm initiating all contact.

Not trying to rob the thread, but could use input on the crying and contact thing.

bumpty bump up up up
ark ark ark

Fine, useful thread thanks !

In my huge experience of plan A ( a month ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )I have found that there is yet no point in regularly my articulating my pain or my expectations to WW.

To do so more often risks serious LB in my case.

I have made very clear in a loving way, using 'I' language how hurt I have been by the A, and how deliberately WW would be twisting the knife each time she chooses to see OM again. I have also made plain that I will do anything I can to try to save out M out of love for my WW but I will not be deliberately abused.

In rare low-fog moments WW demonstrates that she knows the "needle and the damage done" very well, but is in fog denial most of the time.

I have said that deliberately behaving like a doormat in plan A does not MAKE me a dooormat anymore than being a spy makes one an enemy.

And I utterly agree that boundaries such as financial controls, behaviour toward the kids etc are non-negotiable.


I'll stick Plan A a while longer yet, been pretty effective so far !

bump