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#1032638 10/09/02 08:52 PM
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I just came home from hunting. I didn't hunt just went with my friends because the W wants time apart. When I came home my wife told me she had been reading MB. Then she asked if she had more than one affair, would I still want to be with her? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> She had sex with two others! One was more or less forced! the other with a guy who is a "friend"! I want to DIE! I mean really just be taken out of this world! If it wouldn't cause my kids and my wife more pain I would just disappear. I really don't know how I can deal with this? I know their are many out their who have it worse than I do, but I just don't know how to right now. She asked what I wanted to do, and I don't know! I love her but how can I deal with want she has done? I hate her right now, real HATE! How can I make the hurt stop? If I get put on meds I could loose my job. I hate myself! I don't know why, I hate life!!!!!

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CD,

Your world just took a nosedive but it is not the end of it all. Breathe.....your W appears to be reaching out for help and you both need it right now.

Can you make it until tomorrow? You must be in shock. Go back and read the basic concepts section. Tell your W you need some time to compose yourself and then go back and see where she is at (emotionally).

Get in contact with a good MC or IC immediately. Place a call to STeve or Jennifer ASAP if you can.

You need support right now. Is there someone you can talk with?

L.

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Citydweller - You know I know how you feel but the one good thing that you have going for you is that she cared enough to tell you the truth - that is a huge step as far as I am concerned... I also don't understand if you are put on medication that you can loose your job - that is crap - I mean like discrimination - I know after I found out I walked around from October to March crying to anyone who came within 2 ft of me - I think you should talk to your employer and let them know the situation - or you know what better yet how would they know - I have been on Zoloft since March and I feel fine on it - I don't believe it effects my day to day stuff at all - if anything it holds me togther - Are you seeing a counselor - you should go right away - maybe you two should go together - if you are both willing to work it out then you must get through it together - good luck...

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I don't know if I can make it till tomarrow. don't know if I even see tomorrow! sHE CARED ENOUGH to tell me but didn't care enough to stop %^$%$#%$*&^%@##@@#@#E%$##$ around!
Why to I even care?

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CD, I know you are devastated and you have every right to be. Once you get over the initial shock, though, you will see how fortunate you are that she told you the truth. At least now you KNOW what and WHO you are living with. Without that knowledge, you were in the dark about your own life. I know it seems to ridiculous to see ANYTHING positive about this right now but I promise you it will get better. Hang in there and God Bless.

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How can someone screw 3 other people and say that "i don't want to hurt you"? What the He** was she thinking at the time? I can't do this!

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does rum help? or does it just make you more willing to speak what you feel? How could she do this? Or maybe she just can't keep her legs closed? Am I a looser for not keeping my W hapopy?

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CD,

Run will taste good but dull the senses. Is that what you want? Long term? Will you be functional in the morning??

Listen pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. As hard as this is, morning will come and you will be able to deal with this in the right light.

Are you going to work? Can you work? Go visit the doctor and a counselor ASAP. Get yourself and your W some support.

You have it better than most. Do you realize that?

take care,

L.

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Citydweller--

Hey! We have all felt this way, the way that you do right now. It hurts like crazy. It feels like you want to go to sleep and never wake up--but you can't sleep. And you can't eat. And you can't think about anything else.

But guess what--a lot of us have survived and overcome this feeling and it does pass in time.

Guess what--you are actually lucky! Your wife came clean with you. She was honest with you. That means she does care about you. You know how many of us pray our hearts out for that to happen? I would say the majority on this forum.

My husband had an affair with an older married woman--after tormenting me for years out of jealousy because he was afraid that I would cheat on him. It cost me my career. I spent two years in agony trying to figure out what the heck was going on with him, only to find out in a horrible way: I discovered very graphic chat files saved on his computer. Over a year's worth of dialogue. I read blow-by-blow (no pun intended) recounts of their digusting sex acts. And the hateful names they called me behind my back. And their schemes to leave us, their spouses, while getting custody of their kids (hers and mine.) Can you believe that? And all that while, I had no idea.

My husband never has come fully clean with me. Even with evidence in hand, he still tries to lie. As I catch him in each lie, he simply resorts to blaming me in outlandish ways. He has never fully confessed. He has never expressed regret in a way that would put my soul at ease. (He is only sorry that he was caught--that's the way I take it.)

I am still with him, believe it or not. For many reasons. It's an on-going and up-hill process to heal for both of us.

So, two years ago, I felt like you do now.

Please don't get all drunk and crazy. It might temporarily dull your pain, but in the end, it will solve nothing and only serve to make matters worse.

If you freak out--you will be teaching your wife that when she is honest with you, she will be punished for her honesty. She may never be truthful with you again. Is that what you want?

OK--she had sex with some other men. What does that mean to you?

You need to not be drunk. You need to sit down and ponder some ideas real hard:

Does her infidelity mean that at some point, she was lonely because you were not providing her with attention, affection? (Hate to say it, earning a paycheck and just coming home every night is not what makes a woman feel in love with a man--and that's what most men feel cuts it as far as their responsibility in a relationship.) Do you share some blame in her infidelity?

Does her infidelity mean that she, being young, inexperienced, and immature was tempted to venture something that she had never tried? Go places she had never been? Yeah, I know. Three different men. Well, guilt sometimes causes a chain reaction. Maybe it was just a mistake. Do you love her enough to forgive a mistake?

Does her infidelity mean that she may have serious personality or psycological issues? That's the case for some of us here. Some of us are married to grown-up spoiled brats that must be placated. Some are married to people that have endured terrible trauma (like sexual abuse) and are seeking comfort. Ect. Would going to a marriage counselor be an option for you to try to discover any deeper issues that your wife might have? Or any issues that she has with YOU? Don't say no--unless you don't want her back, period.

And you might think that you don't, at first. But, after a while, the feelings of love that you have for her will slowly surpass that hurt and rage that you feel. Don't supress them, at least for your kids sake. Give it a chance and see.

Read Surviving an Affair. Even after two years, I have reread it. It really helps to know what your spouse may be thinking. And to know that you are not alone in this--other people have felt like you do.

If I were you, I would count myself fortunate that your wife has been upfront with you about this. Don't destroy that trust she has in you by reacting horribly to her secret.

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citydweller ,

I'm hoping that this will give you a bit of hope for your situation. When I first found out about my H affair, I too wanted to die. I just wanted to close my eyes and go away.
I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. I had panik attacks and thought that I had lost "my world".
I felt like an absolute fool and I lost trust in everything and everyone, even myself. I didn't know what to think and I thought that my complete way of thinking was wrong.
I believed that everything I had lived for and everything I had believed about life was a lie.

I wasn't prowd of myself and for my way of thinking, I thought I was just a fool and fools are just treated like fools. (hope that made sence)

I drank alot and I smoked like crazy and I cryed like never before in my life. Many times I ran out of the house, jumped into the car and thought I'd just "end life".
I couldn't and "deep" inside of me, I really didn't want to.

It took weeks until I was able to calm down. I was able to see things clearer and I was able to believe in myself again.
After one year I found Marriage Builders, this was my greatest help. Even though I must admit, I was doing a good job up till then.

When I read the things in MB, it all made sence. When I understood how this could of happened, I was able to take steps forward.
My H and I were able to communicate much better and we both made steps forwards.
This all took time, lots of time. And it took patience from "both" sides.

We knew fairly soon after d-d that we wanted to make our marriage work. This was the most important part. Even though I did have many "break downs" my H knew what he wanted and he went through all of this together with me.

I was able to let my "emotions" come and go, no matter how hard it was and my H was always there for me.
It was a terrible time of my life and yet it gave us the opputunity to grew together again.

I found out things about myself that I was never aware of and today I am the happiest woman ever. I'm gratefull that I didn't give up and I'm happy that I am alive. I would of missed out on so much. I wouldn't of known what can become possible.

Altogether I would say, my H and I are so grateful that we went through all of this, even though it was the worse part of our life. We made it and therefore I know it is possible.

If you would of told me this on d-d, I would of said:you're crazy!!!

Please don't give up. Communicate with your wife and read all you can. It will honestly get better and it can become better than you would of ever of dreamt of!!!!
My H and I are "living" examples.

Let me give you a "pat" on the back and let me tell you, we are all here for you, to help you. We all know what you are going through. Let us help you and trust. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

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CD
Yes many many of us here at MB have walked in your shoes, and they are not a comfortable fit. All the posts so far are right on
1) Your wife told you - admitting to an A is a good step toward healing and many of us are still dealing with lies.
2) Read "Surviving An Affair" by W. Harley. This can be purchased in the bookstore at this site, on Amazon.com, or in local bookstores. It is an invaluable tool in learning how to interact with your wife during this time
3) Can you take a day off from work, to just cool down? Maybe call in sick?
4) Acknowledge to your wife you both need to talk about this, but in the heat of the moment (now) may not be the best time. YOU want to be rational enough to HEAR what she says. SHE needs you to be rational enough to SAY how you feel. I would recommend putting some space between you both for a few days. Just to give yourself time to get your thoughts in order and to calm down. And maybe time enough to do some reading and refresh your knowledge from the basic concepts on this site.

Hang in there...you WILL get through this but it won't happen overnight. There are plenty of caring people here who will stand with you throughout the coming months.

Praying for ya!

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CD -
I know just how you feel! I sometimes start screaming and beating on the walls and calling my no-good, lowdown, scumbag WH every name in the book. That's in between crying and being depressed and sometimes feeling okay. And just when I think I'm getting better (I've been going thru this now for 3-1/2 months), it hits me again right between the eyes.

Wine helped me. Not a lot, just a glass. Took some of the edge off, and helped me sleep. At first it worried me as I've never been a drinker, but after about a month, I didn't need it anymore any way. So if a rum and coke helps, I say go for it. Can't be any worse than meds.

Talking to people helped too - and still does. Before this I'd always bottled up my feelings, stayed strong, didn't let other people know when I had problems. For some reason when I found out WH had an A, I let down my guard and took people into my confidence. And you know what? People are really GREAT! They want to help!! Of course you have to be judicious about who you tell. But the more I talked, the better I felt. Whenever a new revelation hits - finding out WH has spent over $10K on this sl*t, for example - I find myself sliding back into depression and then I start calling in reinforcements to help me. I'll go thru my friends one by one, telling them the story, just to get it out and let myself cry and get some advice and support.

And then I read everything I can on MB. I'm really working on this, on me, on trying to understand what happened and at least fix myself if not my M. Doing something positive, putting a plan in place, thinking up a strategy for dealing with this - that really helps me.

At some point I found I could start pitying WH and even laughing at him. Here's this poor middle-aged guy trying to act like a kid again. Working on his tan, going to a stylist instead of a barber, buying new clothes. Takes up with some 20-something bimbo to make him feel like a man. Spends money on her like there's no tomorrow 'cause otherwise she'd be on her way to the next sucker. Doesn't even have the sense to wear a condom, for crying out loud. Gets an STD, and passes it on to me. Falls for her latest line, that she's pregnant and the kid is his. Has her move in with him and starts supporting her and her whole family, just to show what a big-shot he is. How pathetic! But you know what? Thinking about him like this really eases my pain. I can feel sorry for the big lug, realize he's acting like some lovesick teenager, and sit back feeling pretty smug and superior. It really helps my attitude sometimes.

Don't do anything too hastily, guy. Wait till tomorrow before you throw her out or leave or say anything you'll regret. Think things through.

I'll wish you the best.

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there's always a silver lining in every cloud... I think the good news is that your wife finally opened up and tells you this. That could be a new start.

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CD,

I'm so sorry about what has happened. I'm in no position to give advice so I'll tell you what has been working for me.

The first thing I did was to search my heart for what I really wanted. In order to make a decision I concluded that I needed as much information as I could get. Reading Surviving an Affair made me realize that the sun was going to keep rising each morning. Subsequent books have helped too.

The next thing was to acquire a few basic tools that would help me begin my journey to stay married. Something simple and easy to remember.
Three little tools I quickly armed myself with were:

1.) Be Respectful. Sounds so simple but is quite difficult when rage is flowing through one's body. It made sense. This tool kept the lines of communication open. Sure I stumbled but it worked for me.

2.) No Angry Outbursts. This too was tough. I faultered. However, this too kept the lines of communication open. I felt that I had to know what she wanted also. Who can have a conversation within a screaming match?

3.) No Unreasonable Demands. I decided to set two very simple boundaries for myself..not for her but for me. First, we cannot stay or sleep together if she continues any contact. Second, we will not sleep together until we are tested for STD's. I told her about these two promises to myself and was committed to maintaining these boundaries regardless. I was prepared to enforce them.

CD, these tools really helped me. Everyone's circumstances are different. Speaking with a therapist was and continues to be a huge help. Getting professional help, reading books, and communicating have been a lifesaver.

The one thing I felt that I had to decide from day one what I really wanted and what was I willing to do for it.

Hang in there CD! Your wife loves you and you love your wife.

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The ladies are right CD,you will survive this blow. I too was married to a woman that had had multiple A's behind my back, and even though my pain was great and almost unbearable at times, I did survive. My M did not survive though, but it wasn't just because of her A's but because of the emotional abuse towards me and our daughters,her drug abuse problems, and her chronic child neglect. I hope you don't have these issues at home that I had to contend when I was married to my XWW.

You may want to consider talking to your boss about your situation, without going into graphic detail of course, and request some time off. If he's a boss that understands that an emotionally healthy worker is an asset to the bottom line, he may very well grant you your request.

And remember that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, SHE IS. You are responsible though for contributing to the deterioration of your M which turned it into a breeding ground for her A.

If you want to remain married then it is to your benefit to avoid angry outbursts at her because the only thing you'll gain is more dishonesty from her because she'll feel punished for being honest with you.

Beleive me, you will get better.

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CD,

I now that it seems that your life is over. I understand those feeling just like everyone that is on this site. Everyone has given you great advice and I agree with them all.

I felt and sometimes still feel like you do, but you DIDN'T MAKE YOUR WIFE DO ANYTHING. Your wife made a choice. My dad said something to me in the begining that has stayed with me to this day. He said that, "People that do things like this are not a worldly problem, but they are a spiritual problem." See people make choices by combining what is modelded to them by their parents and what is in there spirit. If someone has the spiritial maturity to make the right choice even though it might not be popular this world would be a better place. You will get past this. Believe me I know. It is a day to day struggle. Just look forward one day at a time. Just like learning to walk when you are young.

Indy

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</small>

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CD,

There isn't anything that I or anyone else can say that will take away or ease your pain much. But I can tell you, this is the right place to be.

See, if you are like the rest of us you are going to have many many questions that most of the people around you will be unable to answer. You will find those answers here. You will find them from not only betrayed spouses like you and me, but you will also get invaluable insights from wayward spouses as well. The wayward spouses on this site are actually a godsend for us. Don't be affraid to ask questions of them when you reach that point.

My wife was also involved in multiple affairs. My D-Day(discovery day)was March 12th, 2001. I suffered the same as you are now. Felt the exact same way. Then felt it again with each new d-day. I cried, boy did I ever. And I came to this site. Several people took it upon themselves to be my shoulder to cry on. They allowed me to vent my anger to them. They stayed up many late nights and into the next day even, just calming me down. They called me at times when things were really bad. Basically they were my lifeline to sanity and to life even.

None of this likely means much to you right now. What may mean something is the fact that my wife and I are still together. Still married. And things are going great for the most part. Sure, we still have problems. But we are in recovery and working to save our marriage. And there are others on this site that have made it as well. Many others.

As others have said, how you feel is perfectly normal. It sucks, sucks big time. But I promise you, my friend, it does get better. Whether or not your marriage ends, it gets better. This site gives you the best chance possible to save your marriage. It also gets you to the point where if your marriage ends you will come through it in much better shape than if you had not found this site.

I have an email link posted at the bottom of every post I make to these boards. If you ever want to talk off the boards, feel free to email me.

Wishing the best for you today.

jd

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Well it's morning and I am still here. GREAT, NOW WHAT?
I needed to know who and when but she was unwilling to give me this details. I want to ask her to stop any comunication with any of these guys, is that wrong? I know I am better off than many and it is a good sign that she told me, but Now I don't know what I want. How will I ever beable to be with her again with out thinking of what she did? I don't have to be back to work til next Tuesday, but with all the time to think just makes it harder. My chest is going to explode!
She went out last night to "make contacts for her web page" and called and said she was just going to stay because she was tired and it was a long drive.
Thanks for all the advise and I know it can work and that I will survive. But I just can't see that right now!

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DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. It was her choice to cheat. We all make mistakes but NOTHING justifies an affair, certainly not numerous ones. I am very sorry for your pain. You mentioned that medication could hurt your job, how is that?

With my H's affair, I would not have made it thru without medication. I took it for 6-7 mos and it really helped a lot. It's not a 'happy pill' or a cop out. It gets you to a place where you can function again, and work on yourself and your problems. Depression is a serious illness and should be treated. Anybody in your shoes would be sad.

I strongly suggest counseling and lots of reading. If she won't go with you, go alone. There is a good article at findarticles.com called 'Shattered Vows' I would ask her to read it. Also the book Torn Asunder is very good.

Good luck and keep posting

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DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. It was her choice to cheat. We all make mistakes but NOTHING justifies an affair, certainly not numerous ones. I am very sorry for your pain. You mentioned that medication could hurt your job, how is that?

With my H's affair, I would not have made it thru without medication. I took it for 6-7 mos and it really helped a lot. It's not a 'happy pill' or a cop out. It gets you to a place where you can function again, and work on yourself and your problems. Depression is a serious illness and should be treated. Anybody in your shoes would be sad.

I strongly suggest counseling and lots of reading. If she won't go with you, go alone. There is a good article at findarticles.com called 'Shattered Vows' I would ask her to read it. Also the book Torn Asunder is very good.

Good luck and keep posting

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