I don't blame myself, but I know I had a hand in it. Not meeting her needs, not knowing the signs that she must of put out. I can see one mistake, but to do it more than once, how could she do that?
I am in the military and an air crewmember. There are other reasons why meds could effect my job but don't want to get into it right now.

I just feel so empty inside, I don't have anyone to talk to. I do have an appointment with a C next Tuesday, but I made that before I knew about the other two. Now I really need to see the doc.
I have so much HATE inside and at the same moment love, pain, confusion, pain, anger, pain, and more pain. I was having a hard enough time at work dealing with the one I knew about, now how will I be able to function? My poor daughters, they must be suffering too and I can't even help them

city,
I'm really feeling with you. I know what pain you are going through but believe me, it does get better.

Take a deep breath and calm down. Now that your wife has opened up, you have the best chances to create a relationship based on honesty. There will be a time when you will look back and "smile". You will be happy again.
Sometimes we have to really fall "very deep" in order to climb up and make things better. Have trust in yourself, you can make it, even if you don't think so right now.
I know that the emotions are really hard to cope with, but we all have went through them and we are all here for you if you need help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hugs
bb

Well, if you are in the military, there again, you are lucky. I know that this doesn't take the edge off your pain, but you have a vast amount of resources--FREE--to help you with this problem--without drugs to make you feel better.

Yes, I will give you the pat answer and say "Go to the chaplain" but believe it or not, the chaplain helped me A LOT--and he didn't cost me $150 an hour. You don't have to be a religious person, by any means, to use the chaplain's services. I visited a couple different chaplains of different religions and different branches of service and in some way, they all served me well.(Chaplain Moreno--US Navy--Okinawa--needs to be a saint someday. The man is an angel sent from God.)

You can go to ACS and covertly sneak some of those pamphlets everyone wants to read but don't want to be seen reading. I volunteer for ACS here in Korea. I love it. I read those pamphlets all the time and I have an excuse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> because I work there.

Shoot, things were so bad in my house that I actually went to Family Advocacy. They have a bad rap because that's usually the last resort before someone gets put into the brig or mental health. But we needed it, and they helped. Discretely. Offered some comfort and protection to my son and I when things were really ugly. You should be aware that they are there for you if you ever need it--for your kids. (Some people here at MB have horrible crisises like child abduction and stalking as a result of infidelity. If things like this ever happen to you, you know where to go.)

And yes, you can go to your command and discretely ask for some "time." Don't freak out at work. (I made that mistake--as I felt as if I had to keep it a secret, my husband is an officer, and I cried all the time at the drop of a hat over my husband's infidelity. They kinda have a thing about women in the military crying, you know.) Your chain of command doesn't want you to suffer, either. How well are you going to function at your job if you are stewing over such a terrible secret? It will take it's toll, believe me. Nobody, especially the people you work for, wants this terrible thing to come to a head. You don't want it to come so full-blown that you loose your clearance and/or flight status because you are a basket case.

Your command has probably seen this crisis before, unfortunately, the way things are in the military. I have seen it happen on almost a daily basis in my time as a soldier and as a dependant, all ranks, all situations. It is so sad, but unfortunately true. So don't feel like you have a disease because this has happened to you. Talk to somebody you work for!

Military lifestyle, for all the effort of all the family team building programs, doesn't exactly foster family relationships. The vast amounts of time apart, the emphasis on job and de-emphasis on spouse and family causes it. And this is going to sound harsh: the desensitizing the person in order to train and prepare him for battle, especially for men. How well can you tune in to the subtle emotional needs of your spouse when you have been taught to ignore pain and weakness? (Navy Seals for instance--I have known a couple, all going through divorce, incidently--have an 80% marriage failure rate. Rangers: We had a detachment of them in my battalion in Hawaii and lots--I'd even say most--of the young men I knew personally while I was there were either cheating or came home from the field to find their wives cheating.)

Infidelity in the ranks is the ugly secret monster that everybody involved in the military knows about but doesn't want to address. Why is it supposedly punishable by UCMJ if everyone turns their heads and looks the other way? (And then suffers for it?) I have long wanted to talk to some of my high-ranking ACS lady friends and ask them if they would help organize a forum to deal with infidelity crisis, and host a specialist (like one of the Harleys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) to come speak. If they can spend kajillions of dollars on dumb stuff like tree-lighting ceremonies, why not?

Anyway, enough about that, back to your problem.

1) Calm down
2) Talk to your supervisor about some "time."
3) Talk to a chaplain. Please don't feel dumb doing this--it would be dumb to keep it inside.
4) Try to control the anger you have for your wife during these first days of discovery. She will be more likely to talk to you if you are not angry with her.
5) Remember this: Repentance for a sin starts with confession. Your wife confessed--OK partially--so that could mean that she really is sorry, just so fogged in that she doesn't know how to feel, what to think, what to say to you.
6) This does not mean the end of the marriage. But it could, if you reject her.

Did I help any?

Hi CD,

Sorry to hear about the multiple affairs... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I know the pain that you are feeling right now. You've gotten some great advice.

Don't make any hasty decisions right now. You can get through all of this.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Citydweller: I'm pretty new at this. Please listen to what the others are saying. They are really wonderful people. I can't give you much advice, but just wanted you to know I was following your story and am praying for you.

TORO

CD:

"When I came home my wife told me she had been reading MB."

This is GOOD. Offer 2 read and post 2gether!

"Then she asked if she had more than one affair, would I still want to be with her?"

How did she ask you? What I mean is, was she taunting you, or trying 2 figure out how much you loved her? I hope the latter, and it sounds like it from the way you said it. She loves you. You need time 2 determine whether you love her enough 2 forgive her for this so that you can stay 2gether.

"She had sex with two others! One was more or less forced!"

This sounds like RAPE. Do you know the circumstances? If it was rape and she doesn't describe it that way (like "more or less forced") she may be bottling up some serious psychological trauma with that description, or maybe she was threatened? This is serious stuff, CD. You need 2 help her with this.

"the other with a guy who is a "friend"! I want to DIE! I mean really just be taken out of this world! If it wouldn't cause my kids and my wife more pain I would just disappear. I really don't know how I can deal with this? I know their are many out their who have it worse than I do, but I just don't know how to right now."

Believe me, no situation is more serious than the one YOU are living through. I know these feelings. I have had them 2. So has my W, even now. Your W is probably feeling this way 2 some degree as well. Healing from this will take TIME, LOVE, and COUNSELING for both of you.

"She asked what I wanted to do, and I don't know! I love her but how can I deal with want she has done?"

You love her. That's the most important thing here.

"I hate her right now, real HATE!"

Try 2 remember that what you hate is what she did, not HER. If you truly hated HER, there'd be no reason 2 stay with her. If you hate the acts, then you and she can get past them and 2gether see that they don't happen again.

"How can I make the hurt stop? If I get put on meds I could loose my job."

You should speak 2 your military doctors about this. There probably are medications that are okay 2 take while flying. Stopping the hurt will take a long time. Most say at least a couple of years. It's been 9 months for me, and I still think about my W's A every day. We're getting "better" but I don't expect the pain 2 go away completely for a while. It gets easier 2 deal with after the first couple of months, though. Counseling helps a LOT, and should not be underrated. Find a good one, though.

"I hate myself! I don't know why, I hate life!!!!! "

Because you feel like a chump. I know I sure did. And it was worse because the contact continued, still does 2 a limited degree. But you are NOT responsible for the As. You share responsibility for the "decline" of your M with your W, but that's it.

We are here for you.

Hey CD;
Very sorry to hear about this situation. But know this; no matter how much pain, anger, hurt, & confusion you are feeling right now (and we know you are), it IS going to be OK.
I know you don't believe that right now, I didn't either a bit over a year ago.

Know, too, that what you are feeling is not unique to you; we have ALL felt exactly the same things. I know that when I first found out about my W, I felt like I was alone in the world, that nobody else could POSSIBLY feel what and how I was feeling...but then I found out that this was not true, and that those people who'd felt the saem were getting better, and were finding ways to deal with and resolve the situation.

So if nothing else; know that we are here, we support you, we feel for you, and that we will do the best we can to teach you, guide you, and help you through this.

Try to take it easy, read and learn as much as you can, and come her and vent to us. We'll help.

I asked her to cut off any communication with this guy she has been confiding in. Was I wrong for wanting that? She asked what she got out of it, I didn't know what to tell her. I told her that I didn't think it was right that she continued a relationship, even if it is just friends, with a guy she had an PA with. I also said it sounds like she is having an EA with him.
But she wouldn't agree to cut contact, just said I don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
How should I handle this? I think I will look for somewhere to stay until I deploy again. That will give her a couple more weeks alone to think.
I just don't know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You asked her to cut off contact with the three men she had sex with and especially the one person she is still in contact with and in an ongoing emotional affair at the least and she replies "what do I get out of it"?. She then tells you that she will not or dosent't know?
You have got to be kidding me. Think of all of the things she has been doing (the black magic ) and so forth.
She does not sound worthy of you in the least and she sounds extremely self centered and probably a cakewoman. From your previous posts it sounds like she is a total user and will probably continue in this pattern of behavior in the future. She will continue to bring you heartache.

It is good that you are seeking counseling. Hopefully it will help you understand why you are willing to accept so little in this marriage with this woman. From all of your previous messages it is doubtful that she will ever make you happy nor be respectful of you and your feelings. Hopefully counseling will make you emotionally stronger so you can realize you deserve to have someone in your life who you can love, trust and respect as a partner and a partner who can do the same for you. I wish you luck.

I have thought alot about weather or not she will ever be happy with me. Or if I will ever do anything right in her eyes. I know I have put up with a lot, but I also know she has gone through so much in the last 5 years. Enough to make anyone go off the deep end if they kept it all inside like she did.
I have been getting mixed advice on if I should move out or make her move out if she wants to seperate. I don't think I should have to if she is the one who screwed up and wants time. But If she leaves she won't get the full affect of what it will be like if I'm not here. Any thoughts?

I think it's up to you whether you want to move out or not. A lot of people here would say 'no, don't leave unless you want to lose her.' It is totally how you feel. You yourself know your own situation and the personality of your wife. A lot of people can advise you, but you have to do what you think is best for your own situation.

When it happened to me, I moved out. Very un-MB-like advise, but I think that people should pay for what they do, whether you love them or not. A person convicted of murder does not just say "Sorry. It won't happen again. What do you want me to do? I can't make him come back to life." and then go free. A person caught stealing cars does not say "Oh, silly me. It was just a prank. You can get another car someday." and go free. Right?

I moved out. D-day, the actual d-day, for me was when my husband was deployed. I e-mailed him in Australia and asked him to acknowledge what I had found on his computer. Over the next 2 1/2 months, his e-mail response fluxated between "I'm sorry I hurt you, but. . ." to "What the h*ll are you doing going through my stuff?!!" to "I don't love you anymore--get lost."

So I did get lost. Packed my stuff and went back to the states. (From Okinawa.) He was still gone to Australia. In fact, he had volunteered to extend his deployment to avoid coming back home.

I stayed in the states for nine months. Soon I got a good job, my own apartment, my kid was going to school and we were settled in quite comfortably. I pretty much had no intention of going back, even though deep down, I still loved my husband. I was waiting on him to file the divorce. That was one thing that I was not going to do--he made the mess, he was going to clean it up. Besides, I had no money to spare for a lawyer (I can't stand lawyers--wish I could make $120 an hour sittin on my butt.)

My husband threatened. He raged. He turned it around on me and vilified me (I took his kid, I ruined his reputation by leaving, I was costing him money, blah blah. Typical WS logic.)

Sometimes he would call and say "Can we talk?" Usually that was when he was drunk from a night out at the club. I know he was not sitting on his hands. He was out chasing girls. (Because I was such a mean woman, I left him all alone.)

I think that all this taught him to respect me, and that he did, in fact, love me. With me there, he took me for granted. Without me, there was a big void in his life that Jack Daniels and strange Asian women couldn't fill. It took a separation to learn that.

After nine months, I did go back. Two reasons, initially: 1) My son needed his father. 2) My daughter from my first marriage, a lovely girl with wisdom beyond her years, told me to give her stepdad a second chance.

There has been plenty of times that I cursed the day I ever made the decision to go back to him, especially the half dozen times or so last year that I caught him looking at pornography or in illicit chat rooms.

But it does progress to better places, if you give it a chance. It's not easy.

There are plenty of people who have made a good, sucessful recovery and have achieved happy marriages because they gave it the chance.

You will never know if you can achieve the same if you don't give it a chance.

Not saying that moving out will ruin your chances. It might better them, in fact, in the long run. But you need to do what you feel would benefit you the most.

If it would protect what's left of your love for your wife, and give her time to clear her head and make decisions, by all means. Move to a friend's house. Move to the barracks. Plan A her from a safe distance.

OK--I take it back about lawyers. I have been ripped off to the tune of thousands of dollars by lazy dudes that ask me the same dumb questions over and over again in order to "defend me." (To the tune of $120 an hour.)

CD,

Ok....I cannot just sit on my hands any longer. Listen to yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't think I should have to if she is the one who screwed up and wants time. But If she leaves she won't get the full affect of what it will be like if I'm not here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are going nowhere until YOU decide what YOU want. Please make a calm rational decision, think about your motivations, shed emotions from your decision making. It's hard but I know you can do it. All of us are capable of doing anything and that applies to both ends of the spectrum.

Punishing her get's you nowhere. Make a decision and resign yourself to the consequences. It's up to you. Get professional advise.

I'm praying for you both.

Bryanp:

Hor$e$h!t.

CD's sitch here, and what his W is doing is very little different from what most M's subjected 2 infidelity experience. It is highly unlikely, based on this fact, that CD's W will treat him with disrespect forever, or even want another A. She's in the fog now, and can't make the decision 2 cut contact for whatever reason. Doesn't mean that CD shouldn't or even can't expect it at some point, but it does mean that he has a lot 2 learn about how these things "work" and how 2 heal from them.

CD, you never did answer my question about your "more or less forced" comment in your original post. If it was rape, or even "more or less" so, it could be having a very detrimental effect on your W's self-image and her ability 2 heal.

You need 2 heal whether your M survives or not. You will find, as you work, that it's easier 2 do WITH your W, who is sharing these experiences with you after all and knows you, than it will be alone or with someone else. So hunker down, read until you can't see anymore <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and KNOW that you will come out of this a much better man.

2long, I don't know if it was rape or not. I beleive it was in another contry when she was visiting. I think it was a big party and she eother doesn't know or doesn't want to admit she lost control and was taken advantage of.
I keep asking if she will cut comunication and all she can reply is "why should I cut off someone who cares about me and how I feel for someone who hasn't for 11 years".
Now she wants to go to colorado for the weekend and asked if I was Ok with that. I said I can't tell you what to do but I am not OK with it. CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE ASKED WHY? Am I controling her by telling her I don't want her to go? Am I showing her that what she wants isn't important?
I just don't know. I'm ready to just call it quits. She will use this against me some how.
I need to get am appointment with the Hs.

CD --
I'm military as well. My best advice to you: Take some leave, go see a counselor. It's free. There's no stigma and they can relate completely to your situation. You have no clue, my brother, but you are so NOT alone in your pain.

I thought I needed meds and finally went to a counselor. It took him about 30 seconds to calm me down. That was six weeks ago. I'm much better now and we have our marriage on a seemingly straight course.

And she had multiple As. With friends.

So, first step: Talk to a supervisor about your sitch. You don't have to give hard-core details. Just "problems at home." They'll cut you some slack.

Then see the counselors in the life skills center.

CD:

"2long, I don't know if it was rape or not. I beleive it was in another contry when she was visiting. I think it was a big party and she eother doesn't know or doesn't want to admit she lost control and was taken advantage of."

Either way, she could be feeling pretty bad about herself. It may be part of why she's had multiple As, because she doesn't think she's "worth much" or something. She needs your love.

"I keep asking if she will cut comunication and all she can reply is "why should I cut off someone who cares about me and how I feel for someone who hasn't for 11 years"."

Boy, this sounds so familiar. Almost exactly what my W has said many times, including the "11 years" part. My W hasn't stopped communication either. This has been very frustrating, because I believed, like most people on this 4um, that we couldn't start "recovery" until she had agreed 2 NC. Well, she hasn't agreed, and pushing her 2 agree did nothing but evoke the kinds of responses you got. I KNEW that she had the A, in part, because I wasn't "caring about her" like her OM did the past 11 years. But if I couldn't start working on my "shortcomings" (really mine were 50% of the problem, the rest were hers, and the choice 2 have the A was ALL hers), she couldn't let go of OM, and we couldn't start "recovery" based on the accepted definition of recovery. So, I'm working on identifying my shortcomings, loving her for who she is rather than chastising her for what I THINK she's doing (because I don't know for sure what they say). And that is giving us the most progress we've had so far. I truly think that her OM is no longer an issue, and at some point she'll be able 2 make the decision 2 drop him on her own. It can work for you, 2.

"Now she wants to go to colorado for the weekend and asked if I was Ok with that. I said I can't tell you what to do but I am not OK with it."

I think you answered correctly, because it was an HONEST answer. And you're right, you can't tell her what 2 do, but you have every right 2 tell her that it upsets you.

"CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE ASKED WHY?"

Certainly. I've been asked many times!

"Am I controling her by telling her I don't want her to go?"

No, particularly if you're saying that it hurts you for her 2 go, not that you're telling her not 2.

"Am I showing her that what she wants isn't important?"

No. In fact, you might say it like I did: I want you 2 be happy, and if that means we're not 2gether in the long run, then that's what I want. (I knew, though, that it ISN'T what SHE wants, before I said that).

"I just don't know. I'm ready to just call it quits. She will use this against me some how.
I need to get am appointment with the Hs. "

It can only help! It's also quite normal 2 want 2 give up, particularly after hearing the news so recently like you have. Try not 2 worry about her "using this against" you. You can't really control what she thinks, at least not directly. But you can control YOU, and you should make every effort 2 "be there for her" and not LB at all. Basically leave her with nothing but positive thoughts of you. Make her ultimate choice YOU, and no one else.

<strong>
"why should I cut off someone who cares about me and how I feel for someone who hasn't for 11 years"
</strong>

hey there, have heard the same ol' song playing quite a few times. one of my WW's favourite, actually. my reply at that time was
- gotcha. finally woke up. a real epiphany. but now, my word, I'm trying my best
- what you are saying is unfair. because I did A, B and C too, remember?
- how could you remember all the other moments when I tried to be there for you when you didnt let me into your heart? in hindsight now absolutely understandable - given the fact that your heart, and other organs too, were busy with someone else (a hint: dont say the last part. it's an LB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

... and ...

- look, there's him or me. either or. black or white. at least in the long run.
- you dont have to choose now, right now. but beleive me: the clock is ticking. it's your choice. I can't live with that. if you dont like it - go.

I lived through this - you can too. good luck!

N

Well, we got into it again today. I told her I didn't want her to go again and now she thinks I am trying to control her. Once again she went into wanting space and wanting to separate so she can miss me and know that I'm what she wants and so I can think about what I want. So I got <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and said I would leave for the weekend. Not good! Now she thinks I wanted to leave so she couldn't go to Colorado. So now she won't go but will find a place to stay for the weekend. I am batting a thousand here.
Anyway, I went home and calmed down. I thought about it. Read some of your post and talked to a friend. I think I would rather her gone somewhere with someone I know than not knowing where she is or with whom. So I called her and told her that I thought about it and maybe I was selfish. Told her that I didn't like the idea but if she could find some peace and time alone, that she should go.
I need to find the guy she was married to a couple of years ago. That just meaning I was so different, happy go lucky type. Always trying to have fun and goofing off. I have been so uptight since this all happened, I'm driving her nutz! I have to change or she won't want to stay with the guy that I have turned into.
I think I am going nutz. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

CD:

Well you're not going nuts. You're going through what we ALL went through so soon after D-day. I'm amazed that my W stayed with me after my reactions for the first couple months after D-day.

I think you did good by calling her and telling her she could go if she wanted 2, but that it would'nt make you happy. That's the right way 2 pitch things like this.

But I don't agree that time away 2 find what you want is the right thinking. I always felt that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was no more right in all cases than "fondness makes the heart grow absent" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Remember what someone's sig line says: "Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have."

Take it slow. You'll make it.