I couldn't cope with the pain of reading passionate e-mail exchange between WH and OW #3. Lies, deception, belitteling me, calling our everyday life as "everyday routine" and "everyday s**t" in which they'll somehow find the time to escape and be together more, hopefullly not only when he's "self-supporting" father (menas when I'm on business trip and he's alone with D).
I couldn't stand their "special talk" calling sex "massage", "chiropractics" or "practical featuring"... couldn't bear him explaining her in details he's not the guy who will grab any opportunity but prefers to do it slowly, waiting to have enough time and getting to know her deep and well enough to make it good, deep, passionate and inforgetable for both.
I just can't take it any more. Tried to make him realise this inflicts great pain to me, this hurts me beyond belief... but it falls on deaf ears. He says it's nothing but having fun in talk. Yeah, right. Should you read those letters, you would see yourself ... disgusting!
Yes, he's at home, usually says about his whereabouts and is on time home (more or less)and says he doesn't want to leave, wants M. But reading all this, knowing he created special e-mail account ONLY for their communication (which he said in the first mail to her), seeing what's his opinion on me and M in those letters .... I'm sorry, it's just too much for me. I feel like he's throwing me some "bones to gnaw", so he can do as he pleases.
Last Sunday, I just shut down. Had no more will to talk, reason, ask ... whatever. I declined his kiss goodby when leaving home (going to MIL), went sleep early in the evening when he came back ... and the next morning he turned me back the same.
Now, it's been 4 days we barely talk - no more morning and evening kisses, no more talking about whereabouts, I don't make his side of the bed, I don't call him at work, don't offer him meals (he can take when/if he wants), don't wash and iron his stuff, don't ask him what he needs.
We barely communicate. I'm sorry, but I just can't. A bare look on him make me sick. I don't want to touch him, to look at him, and basically, I avoid him as much as I can at home. Seems he's giving me back the same tratment. Not that he looks upset for that at all.
Don't take me wrong - not that I look sad or worn out, I don't show my pain nor do I look neglected in his presence or anywhere lse. On the contrary, I look very good (many people told me that I "shine"), and doing my best to look and act happy. My I pull my strenght from my job, daugter, few very close friends that keep me going.
But, I'm dying inside. I feel there is nothing more I can do. Should I want to stay in marriage with very little love, and deal with God knows how many more pain, should I want to be decepted and lied to all the time, should I let him do his own way ... I may well.
But I can't. I'm craving for love and protection, I want a nice, caring loving guy I once married, and most of all I want HONESTY. If I can't have it, I think I'm beating a dead horse.
My candle is burning out...
Love,
Adrian
<small>[ October 10, 2002, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: Adrian ]</small>
