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#1034700 10/20/02 06:06 AM
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Hello. I need to say from the outset, that I am in fact an OW. However I have come here
for some genuine advice as to what I can do to assist my MM in putting our A behind him and
concentrate on re-building his M.
He has recently realised he needs to address his grievances and concerns with his W rather
than deflecting these issues through conducting an EMA.
W is ready to start a family, however he is anxious and concerned about doing this in light
of some serious problems existing within the M. I agree that confronting these issues is the right thing for him to do,and fully support him in this.

My problem is that he and I have very different views on what should happen next. I feel
very strongly that the time has come, for us to say goodbye completely, initiate NC and try
and independently move on with our lives.
I feel it would be inappropriate for me to remain on the sidelines watching him rebuild his M
and start a family (if indeed that happens)
He however is 100% adamant that he wants to remain in contact with me and keep me closely in his lifeas a 'reformed' platonic friend.
I have problems understanding how this would work. Admittedly we were and are first and foremost dear friends.
Our R developed from a friendship to an EA and finally into an A.
But surely there will always be some inherent danger, in one or other of us 'rediscovereing'
feelings again, if we remain in contact.
He is trying to convince me that this won't happen. But how can we be sure? If two people
have experienced chemistry beyond platonic friendship - and that side of the R has to be
terminated prematurely, my instinct tells me that no matter what he says, there is still some
danger of it re-emerging at some point down the line - despite everyones good intentions?

What is the best course of action? Can we make it work as friends?

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It sounds like you are the smart one here. . .you should be the one to take action.

Think of all the places you meet and all the things you have in common--where do you see him? (work? live in the same side of town? shop at the same stores? church?) How do you communicate? (E-mail? Phone?) You have to eliminate all these places and coincidences from your life immediately or you will never be free. I am sure my husband would have never been free from his affair if he had not left his girlfriend behind in the states when we moved to out duty-station in Japan (military.) I found out he was e-mailing her, and once the affair was brought to light, it ended.

Change your e-mail address. change your phone number. Make the chances of running into him nil. If you can't change your job or your residence, try to find new friends and new activities that will take you out of his realm. After a while, it might be easier than you think to forget him, once you change your perspectives.

another thing. Does his wife know? If he is not honest with her or she has not found out, then it certainly reserves a meeting-spot in his heart for you. It's not up to you whether she knows or not--that's his mess. He needs to fix it. If he insists on seeing you, be firm and tell him that it will be the last time he ever does, and take the opportunity to encourage him to be honest with his wife. (That will help YOU with your job of NC.) But in the meantime, you should initiate no-contact since it is obvious that you know it is right. Come on, you are strong, you can do it. If you did not have the best intentions, you would not be here.

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Hi MM,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can we make it work as friends? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it would not work for his relationship. He cannot put full effort in two romantic relationships at a time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel very strongly that the time has come, for us to say goodbye completely, initiate NC and try and independently move on with our lives.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, NC. not just for him and his wife but for yourself to move on. It would be incredibly painful for you to wait in the sidelines while he works on his marriage and full recovery with his wife wouldn't be possible. This may seem ideal for you, but I wonder if you would settle for knowing that he may always be wondering if it could have been better with his wife? I think that would be very painful.

He is trying to keep you there as the safety net in case it dosen't work out with his wife.

Best wishes.

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I agree with Seahorse...he wants to keep you in the background in case he wants some adventure again. You are second best.

If you truly believe that total no contact is the way to go, and he is against it, so what? This is YOUR life, you know, and if YOU are not happy with the thought of trying to be friends, I suggest you be firm and tell him not to contact you in any way. On this site, we believe that the only real hope for a marriage after an affair is if the WS has NO contact with the OW/OM ever again. Then the WS does not have anyone but their spouse trying to meet their needs, and that means the WS has to actually NOTICE the BS's efforts.

Yes, it must seem flattering to you that he wants to hold onto part of the relationship.... BUT being friends means that there will always be temptation, hope and occasional sex, after which you will surely feel bad if you mean what you say in your first post.

Be strong,

Nina

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

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Bernzini & Seahorse have given the answers.

Simply (like it is simple right?) end all contact. And do not leave it with the lead-in that if his marriage does not work you will be there for him. That is all you can do to help him rebuild his marriage. After you establish no contact the rest is up to him and his wife.

If he resists the no contact stand your ground. His not respecting your wishes is, well just disrespectful and something for you to be very worried about. Any man who does not believe when a woman says no is to be taken seriously as a person who only has their own concerns in mind.

To go from lovers to platonic friend is very hard, especially if either of you still have feelings for the other. Neither of you will be able to put yourselves 100% into any other relationship. And as it has been to date, nether of you will be able to put yourselves 100% into your ‘friendship’ either.

Can we make it work as friends? No, for the above reasons. And if his wife ever finds out, which she most likely will, all h3ll will break loose against you. Remember that to rebuild his marriage he will more then likely side with her. You just don’t want to be in that position. You deserve more than that.

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mamma_mia - before I say anything else, let say congratulations to you for finally "wiseing up" and realizing that an affair is a no-win proposition.

Your MM is engaged in a sin and you have, up to now, been a willing participant in it. There is, unfortunately, no room for any contact with him for the rest of life. There can be no friendship, platonic or otherwise. That line was crossed a long time ago and can never be reestablished. If you truly want him to have a chance at recovering his marriage, then you need to be out of the picture totally.

Two things will happen. First he will no longer be able to split his energies. He will have to concentrate on his marriage. If you do have any further converstation with him prior to going NC, then I'd suggest you strongly tell him that he needs to be in marriage counseling. Let a professional deal with any problems that their marriage might have.

Second, you will be free of a sordid mess. You owe it to yourself to seek new "friends" and perhaps you will find a nice single man to start a relationship with. However, you should also do yourself a favor and read everything you can about affairs, their causes, and how to "affair proof" any potential future marriage of yours. You now know that you are vulnerable to an affair, you had one.

I know nothing about his wife, but I can tell you that if she becomes aware of the affair, and at least at some point she should know about it, No Contact would be one stipulation that she would insist upon. His marriage problems are his and he needs to deal with his problems with his wife between them and a marriage counselor.

Your comment that he and you have differing views on what should happen next is "fog talk" on his part. He wants to continue dealing with a fantasy and not deal with the painful work needed to be faithful to his wife and rebuild their marriage. That, unfortunately, is also too late. He had the affair. The damage is done. Since he is not willing to break it off totally and you seem to be willing to do so, then you really need to do the "right thing" and end it in no uncertain terms. He is displaying a very immature behavior and you need to be the one to say, in effect, "sorry, but it's time for you to grow up now and deal with your problems instead of running away from them".

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mamma_mia

You're sort of on the right track by wanting NC with the MM. However, I don't think that's going to be enough to end the affair.

I think each of you are kidding yourselves if you think you can simply walk away from the affair and pretend as if it never happened. He has got tell his W.

Initiating NC AND coming clean with his W will be a good start to the death of the A and the rebuilding of his M.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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Mamma, welcome to MB.And congratulations on your wise decision to sever all ties with MM.

You have all the right answers. It won't be easy but you seem to have realized in your heart what is right and best for all concerned and then all the people who have replied have confirmed what you know needs to be done.

"Platonic" relationships don't work. My A would have ended much sooner if I had realized that.

Put MM behind you. Move forward into a strong recovery--No Contact is truly the secret to that recovery. Commit to it. You may get terribly lonely and depressed some days but lean on the female friends in your life for emotional support.

Are you currently married? Is there any chance of your M healing, if so?

I really applaud your decision to make your life right. Way to go!

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generic reply here, not directed at mamma_mia

Congratulations in this matter seem to be premature if not totally inappropriate.

The notion of NC at this point is just that. It's apparent that the matter is still being tossed around with the MM who disagrees and wants to continue this secret A by simply ending the physical portion of the A. The A may change from PA to an EA for a short time but you have to call a pig a pig. An A is an A and it would quickly turn physical once again.

NC with the OP is the right thing to do by both parties. Telling the W about the A is the right thing to do. Congratulations in this matter is not in order however.

I doubt that a BS spouse would offer congratulations to the OP for having had and then desiring to end an A with their H/W. A punch in the nose might be more appropriate. But then, the BS in this case in not aware of the A so she doesn't even have that option.

If this BS were to become privy to the A she might think twice about starting a family with the WS or even continuing the M.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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Firstly, MM can not work on his M with his wife while he keeps you waiting in the wings as a "platonic" friend. He will put the energy into keeping you hanging around, not focusing on W.

And for their M to grow, probably W needs to know what happened.

And as for yourself, you deserve so much more than this. A so called friendship will just keep you emotionally engaged. It will prevent you from moving on. Also do you want to walk into a new relationship with a man, with a "platonic" married x lover hanging around you? What does that tell a new boyfriend about you and your morals? A bit of a turn off I'd imagine. And if you were to conceal it, you'd be starting off your new R with a lie.

Insist on NC. Encourage him to tell his wife. And tell him if he breaks NC you will be forced to tell his wife about the situation.

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RUN NEVER LOOK BACK!


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