I have been here for more than two years--the last year and a half, more lurking than really participating. In fact, most of you probably don't know me.

I have felt kind of bad for not really offering as much advise as I should or giving a real listening ear. I am too humble. I just read a lot. And it's helped greatly--for me. Not for a lot of others, though, when I could have been of more help. Nevertheless, a couple of you guys I have gotten close to.

But anyway, I have felt a real need lately to turn my life over and examine--you know, like you turn a rock over and watch all the bugs crawl out from beneath. I'm tired of those bugs--I need to let them go.

I think what I am trying to say is that I want to put all of my problems (with my marriage--that's the #1 problem in my life) into the hands of the Lord truly and earnestly, and not just say that I am. It's too big for me to tackle on my own. Way too big. I cannot do this by myself.

I told my husband once, in spite of the fact that he's an Atheist, that I cannot live in a home without God in it. He just laughed at me.

Well, now, I am putting my foot down, after all of these years. I don't care anymore. I am inviting God into my home and setting a place at the table for Him. My husband can either live me and tolerate it, or he can leave me. The ball is in his court. Either way, I cannot live my life without Him, the Lord, fully in it, in every way, and I don't care, either, how many of you will laugh at me. Go ahead, I dare you.

Yes, I do value my marriage, and I do respect my husband, but I cannot live in denial anymore.

These are new resolutions that I have made for myself: to pray daily, to teach my children to pray, to fellowship with people who praise God, to pay tithes on the money that I earn, to study the word of God, to conduct myself in a way that is pleasing to Him and Him alone. I have worried too much about what people think. I have tried too much to please people, and I have backed down from my beliefs in order to please my husband. He does not respect me, and doubtfully he ever will, especially he will not respect me if I do not stand for what I believe in.

I think my husband looks at me like a rat in a maze--I get close to the cheese after a lot of heartache and effort, and then he moves it. Well, that is a waste of my life. At 35, I think that I am halfway to the end of it and I don't plan on wasting another 35 on stupid games. Whatever these games are for--amusement or his need to be in control.

No, I am not leaving him (thought about it, though, very often.) But I am re-focusing my life as a Christian woman. He has a choice--he can follow me in it, or he can join me in it (not likely, but you never know, right?) or he can decide I am crazy and go find another girlfriend. My blessings to him if he does. He has a right to happiness, too, in any place he can find it.

I have found that being here at MB does not really foster the kind of relationship that I need to have with God, in short. And you all know why: I have to ackowledge that we all do not feel the same way here, and while I respect that, I feel it is a hinderance to me. You can call me hollier than thou, or whatever. But I need to go where I can express myself and not offend. I hurts me deeply to hurt other's feeling, and I would rather not be faced with the chance of doing that. So please understand.

I need guidance in a marriage that is founded by God and blessed by Him. If my marriage is not, then surely it would be dissolved by now. Or God will guide me in a way to dissolve it in due time. I trust in Him and know that if I live my life according to the way I should, then what should happen will happen. That is the only way I can see now. Not Marriage Builders, not counseling, (the advise I receive in counseling is richly varied, from "Forgive and forget" to "go to legal and have him prosecuted.) I cannot trust the advise of so-called friends (some have told me to just leave the SOB, and then have turned around and cheated on their own spouses.)

This does not mean that I am leaving it up to fate, of course. This means that I am going to live the life of a Christian woman and to return to thinking in terms of such. And behaving as such.

I think that I will end my final post with a story. For those of you who care and know what I may be talking about (and those who don't care and will mock me, stop reading here and go to another thread):

As some of you may know, my husband and I were separated for almost a year after d-day, after I found out about his girlfriend back in the states. I found out in February 2000. He was on a mission in Australia. I was in Japan.

Every day, while he was gone, I would read his ICQ files of his-and-her communications and torture myself for hours, feeling the bile rise in my throat and feeling my heart pound so hard that I thought it would pop out of my chest. I could not sleep for days. I could not eat. I would cry like a dog howls. Then I would e-mail him and plead "Why? How could you do this to me? What did I do to make you hate me so much?" and I would get some snotty, reply about how I was going through his private business and that I deserved everything I got.

After three months of this horror, my little son and I caught a space-A flight home to the states. I had a court appointment concerning my children from my first marriage. But I also needed my mom. I needed some comfort--do you blame me?

But even then, I had never planned on leaving my husband. I thought that somewhere, some way, there was some hope (the way that a lot of you guys feel while your spouses are out cavorting openly with the OP, yet still coming home to you or dropping you tid-bits here and there.)

Then, my husband sent me a shocking letter that stated "I just realized that I don't f***ing love you anymore."

Out of my hurt, I sent him a letter back that said I was planning to stay with my mom. Even then, it was just a bluff. I was hoping that he would turn around and say "I'm sorry. Come back." But I started a tentive, half-hearted job search in my home-town as a back-up plan.

My kids, the little sneaks, told my mom what I was doing. My mom, of course, confronted me, and I had to confess what was going on. She was as shocked and hurt as I was. She told my dad. I think it killed him. They loved my husband like a son. (You all know how this is.)

Nevertheless, my mom cornered me and told me that I needed to stop my job search, pack my suitcases, and go home. She told me that marriage is an effort, in good times and in bad, and that I shouldn't give up. I couldn't let that horrible woman just walk in and take my kid's father without a fight. They put me on a plane to Sea-Tac with big pep talks and advise, and told me that they all felt a lot of confidence that things would work out.

From Sea-Tac, I was to go to McChord AFB and catch a Space A flight. If any of you are in the military and tried to fly space A, you know how scary it can be when you are bumped off flight after flight and your leave is running out. Well, that's what happened to me.

For days, my little son and I traveled on foot and by taxi lugging suitcases back and forth from the AMC terminal to any slummy hotel that had room and I could afford (being that all the hotels in the area of a major military area charge a high rate because of government re-imbursement, I couldn't afford any nice ones.) We ate out of vending machines. I drank coffee and ate cold sandwiches from the USO (all the restaurants were miles and miles away from the terminal--my little son was too young to walk and I was trying to be conservative with money for cab fare.)

And we got bumped off flight after flight after flight. And I kept going back to hotels on nights that there wasn't a flight to the other side of the pacific going out.

There was this one motel--about a hundred dollars less a night than the rest--right there on South Tacoma way. Like I said, I was running out of money. It was frightening. It rented by the hour and was used by prostitutes and drug runners who needed a place to crash while doing business. So I was cautious. The first night, we stayed in a room that had blood splashed on the walls. I didn't dare walk on the carpet with my bare feet. I had to go buy a bottle of tilex and clean the bathroom before I used it.

You can imagine my grave disappointment, after spending a fruitless night in the AMC terminal, at having to go back to this place.

The next room I was assigned to looked like some flophouse you would see in a '50's movie. Like Grapes of Wrath. It had been around that long, and here it was the year 2000.

It was horrible, and filthy. My son, I remember, jumped up on the bed and found where someone had stuffed a large wad of toilet paper in a hole in the wall right over the headboard. I teased him. I said "If you pull out that wad of toilet paper, you'll let out the ghost that lives in there." I was just joking, of course. (Of course, I didn't believe in ghosts and didn't want my 5-year-old son to either.) My son and I checked in just for the sake of having a place to leave our heavy baggage, and then we tried to stay out of it all day. (I went on another shopping spree for more cleaning supplies.)

As a treat, we went to the mall to browse around and reminisce: I had been stationed at near-by Ft Lewis less than a year before, and this was actually the only home my little son really remembered. He loved the mall and wanted to play in the children's area they had there, that was still familiar to him. At the mall, I splurged seven bucks and bought a little ankle bracelet made of silver bells--I had seen them before. They are made in Thailand and some of my oriental friends had them. I put it on and the jingle sound as I walked was a happy, comforting spot in my otherwise sad world.

That night, being dead tired from walking all over and taking city buses to get from place to place, we both slept soundly, even in that dirty, scary motel room. My little boy was curled up all warm and cozy next to me, snoring. I felt that we could endure together, and as long as we had each other, I was happy, despite the mess our lives were in.

You cannot imagine the horror that I faced next.

I awoke from a deep, peaceful sleep with a sudden start. I was being shaken--like an earthquake (I have been awakened in the middle of the night by earthquakes before.) The shaking was so hard, I heard the bells on my ankle bracelet rattling. I felt a strong pressure on my chest and arms, as if I were being grabbed and tossed like a rag doll. I felt pressure, yet I could feel no hands or other object touching me.

The room was pitch black, yet my eyes focused on something next to the bed, above me, that was even blacker than black that looked like smoke forming a shape.

I thought "A dog. A big black dog is in my room, and the sound I hear is it's ID tags rattling and it's trying to jump on my bed and why is it here?" As terrified as I was, my only thought was for my little boy sleeping next to me. I felt the "dog" climb up over the top of me, shake me violently for a second or two, then disappear into the wall on the other side of my son.

I lay there for a few minutes wide awake and hardly daring to breath, the way you do after you wake up after a bad dream. I know I was not dreaming, because moments later, someone knocked on my door and asked if some other party was there. (Prostitutes looking for pimp) I told them "No, go away."

I layed there until the sun came up, trying not to think too much about what had happened. I was sure that I was having a schizophrenic episode and that I was, after all, losing my mind. I quickly cleaned up, got my son ready, then packed my bags and left that place to go back to the Air Force base.

There was two flights leaving out that day; one in the morning, one in the late afternoon. Both were stopping over in Alaska before going on to Japan. When I got to the terminal, there were only kajillions of people trying to get a spot on the first flight. I had three big suitcases and a rowdy little boy in tow and I was not only irritable with the crowded airport, I had a horrible, sick, black depression that was sticking to me. I was intensely angry that I had been desperately trying to get home for almost a week now, and here were people casually signing out on leave that morning with their six kids and leisurely moseying down to the airport and boarding the plane to see what was in Alaska for a few days--bumping me off the flight.

It was because I had low priority to use space A because I was now just a military family member, no longer active duty. I became even more angry thinking about how my husband talked me into getting out of the army--he had told me that the only way that he would get back together with me and work on our marriage was if I got out of the army, after almost ten years in, and go with him to Japan. And then, after I meekly complied with him, he continued to frolick all over Nothern Virginia with his girlfriend, leading her to believe that he was going to marry her. She had left her husband for him. I had left my career for him. He was casually weighing his options---"Hmmm, let's see, who do I pick? Who gives better head? Hmmmmm, let's see. . .who will sacrifice the most in my behalf? . .hmmmm."

Here I was, kids to feed, no job, and at the moment, no home, living at the airport. . .

Why was I trying to save this stupid marriage? Why was I here, suffering and going through all this hardship and hell for this selfish man? I sat there in one of those extremely upright and uncomfortable airport seats with hot angry tears rolling down my cheeks, and yelling at my son to stay put and not run around (to no avail.) People were stepping all over my stuff and on my feet, and I wanted to curse them.

And then there was this lady sitting there next to me chattering at me--she wouldn't freakin shut up! She and her husband were--you guessed it--anticipating a nice weekend getaway in Alaska, they had just gotten up that morning and decided, hey, what they heck? Let's go! Just the two of us on a romantic honeymoon! I wanted to pop her in the face. She kept going on and on about her church and God and praising God for having such a nice life and such a good husband, who was a God-fearing man, so sensitive and sweet to take her on a romantic weekend. . .blah blah blah blah. . .

Well, as the first flight filled up and left, the lady and I just sat there. She said, cheerfully "Well, that just leaves us first in line for the next flight, doesn't it?" I was trying so hard not to cry in front of people, wiping the tears away like I had allergies or something. I was filled was such hopeless and dispair and bone-deep depression, I wished I could die right there.

I suddenly ran over the phone card machine and used my last twenty dollars in cash that I had--all of it (of course, there was no ATM in the terminal, the nearest one was five miles away)--and bought a phone card.

I called my husband, just back from Australia. He was like "Yeah. Oh, it's you."

I told him "Please, I am stuck here at McChord. I can't get out of here. I am running out of money. I don't have priority to fly unless you escort me. Can you possibly take a day and come get me?"

He said sarcastically "Oh, you just expect me to drop everything I'm doing and fly to the states to get you. Sure. Wait while I call my boss and explain to him that your typical incompetance and lack of planning is my reason for requesting emergency leave."

I said "Well, should I just stay here and wait? Should I try to get a commercial flight?"

He said "Oh. Yeah. A commercial flight. Where are you going to get two or three thousand dollars to book a last minute flight? Do you have enough money after wasting it all on hotel rooms? Maybe you should have a job if you think we can afford all this. By the way. . .all these bills here at the house were sitting here not getting paid while you were laying on your butt at your mom's place on vacation. . .wish I could go on vacation. Now I will probably have paperwork drawn up on me by my command for having late payments. . .you're so vengeful, you're trying to destroy my career, you selfish b*tch."

I fired back at him "I hope that she was worth it to you. I hope every minute spent in Motel 6 Hagerstown was good--and yes, I know about it, because I DID pay the credit card bill for it before I left."

I slammed the phone down and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and cried until I puked. My nice Christian lady friend came the in the bathroom and said she had my son, and was I alright? (Duh.) Then she had the nerve to ask if she could pray for me. . .she said that it had seemed that I had a dark spirit surrounding me all day. I told her whatever, all I needed was a cab to take me to the nearest ATM so that I could get some money and buy a bus ticket home.

So the lady reached her hand under the stall and took mine and she prayed--with all these people coming in and staring and me sobbing.

She said, "Come on out of there." She took me to the USO and the man volunteering there gave me a cup of coffee and a cookie while I actually waited to see if I could still get on the later flight. (Still hope.) It only had 5 seats available and the lady and her husband took the last two.

At midnight, I was sitting there freezing at the bus terminal at Ft Lewis waiting for a Greyhound to take me to Idaho and thinking about what I was going to tell my parents when I showed up on their doorstep. . .again.

That's my story. . .and you know what? My husband still taunts me about "begging for food" (from the USO?) and dragging my son around to drug-infested flophouses (what kind of mother am I?) He totally denies the part about not wanting to come get me. He says that I was just being my typically self, demanding that he do what I want him to do when I want it. (Jeez, if that aint turning it around.)

That's besides the point.

The point is. . .after whatever it was that came to visit me in the motel room showed itself (and you can say I am making it up or I am crazy) I knew that I have a lot of evil to contend with. Something that did not want me to get back with my husband and try to build a marriage. A force that does not love happy families and solid marriages and kind words between people, and thrives on darkness and depression and hateful words. I think that my visitor represented something. Maybe something that whispers to my husband when he looses his temper, or silently referees when we fight. I only saw it that once, so it probably was my imagination or a dream.

But it makes me believe that I can't handle this alone, and that I need more help than I could possibly get from people. I also feel like not too many people would understand all this.

So whatever happens, whatever I decide to do in the future, I need God, who I know exists, and I want to be around people who believe as I do and will support me.

I don't think that coming here is for me anymore. I waste too much time and I need to be actively pursuing the solutions to my problems.

This message is more for me than anyone. . .I need to actually tell myself that I am not going to come here anymore and do something to make that final, so here goes.

good luck to you all and may you all find happiness and peace, whatever path takes you there.

Mary

God bless Mary and peace and happiness. I hope the best for you and your family.

His Truth shall set you free. God Bless you Mary.

Dear Bernzini,

I will miss you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Please keep in contact. You gave so much more detail on this thread than I ever knew, yet way back when I needed help, you were there for me. Thank you for your support. I will forever be in your debt.

I never realized how much you went through. Your words of support have even greater meaning. Forgive me for not showing my proper appreciation in the past. My personal A problems really really took up too much space in my life.

I learned to be strong from posters like yourself and many others who were willing to help me despite my stubborn tendancies.

Bernzini, I do wish you happiness in your future. For you and your family. Your children are precious gems of your life. Let no one take that away from you.

I respect your beliefs and know that we may all differ in our religious beliefs but we can always always treat each other with dignity and respect. You certainly have mine.

If you'd like.......my e-mail addy: MBOrchid@hotmail.com

Please keep in touch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sincerely,
LeAnne

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Bernzini,

You've now got the best and most powerful plan of all whether you realize it or not right now! It's never up to us, it's up to Him. I truly believe that He uses situations like adultery to get us to realize that He's the One in control and that we need to lay it all at His feet and trust and wait. He has a plan far greater than any we could dream of.

"And we know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Rom 8:28

God bless you and keep you!

Thank you for sharing with us. You have been one of the many on here who have helped me through more than I ever thought possible. And for that, I thank you.

I admire your strength to move on. I know that one day my time will come to do the same, and move on from MB. However, I'm not quite there yet. Congratulations on your graduation from MB! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care, and thank you for being here for me when I needed you.

Karen
topie25@hotmail.com

Mary....best of luck to you and yours! I'll miss you but am glad to have met you here on MB. You've brightened many a cloudy day for folks like me who likewise felt despondent. May the wind be at your back and sun shining upon your face....

I had to thank you for your wishes. Thank you for stopping by and thinking of me. Each of you are so kind and I admire your compassion. Each of you has done so much to contribute to the hope for others. I wish that I had that much selfless dedication. I think that it's cool that people to call you out to ask your advise and opinions. Orchid, and Topie, how many times have you stayed up all night talking to someone? I am so glad that you guys are here to share your hearts with others that need help. This is a horrible thing we go through. I think that when we face the threat of having our families destoyed, everything else in life becomes so ilrelevant. Nothing hurts worse. I am happy that there are people in the world like each of you to do the sacrificing work of comforting others.

I think that we ultimately have to seek healing from who has all the answers. We have to seek forgiveness from who has the power to forgive all things.

So, yeah, I do consider this a kind of graduation. I understand so much now, thanks to all of you. I wouldn't be here without your help.

I also wanted to give a big thanks to Dr's Harley, who wrote the books that have helped me through so much grief. It was almost three years ago that I went on an on-line search for healing advise for infidelity and found "Surviving An Affair." It was all I could resort to for help. What would I have done without this book to guide me through the pain of being betrayed by my husband? (I would not be married today.) They have sponsored this website as well, for us to come to for help, and I wonder if anyone has truly appreciated that (I have heard LOTS of criticism, but not a lot of gratitude for it.) I am very thankful that it's here for us to resort to. Think of all the valuable friendships that have been made thanks to this place--what would you do without the friends you have made here?

So, again, thank you Dr's Harley, thanks to all of you.

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: Bernzini ]</small>

Mary,
I think you are doing the right thing. God is the only one that knows what will work for you right now, and if you seek him, he will let you know what to do.

I have had a similar dark experiance as the one you describe. I don't think you are imagining it. There is God, and those that serve him, and there is God's enemy, and those that serve him. Both try to affect our lives, but God will win in your life if you continue to seek him in faith.

I wish you all the best, and will pray for you.

Sincerely,

SS

You have made the best decision keep your own identity that is something no-one can take away from you. Dont rely on your h for anything.

That way if it works out its ok if it doesnt it s still ok .Make a comfortable existence for you and your family if he nwants to join you thats up to him .

It worked for me and it can work for you.
best wishes for the future.

p.s I am in Australia.

Bernzini...
I, too, one night last January, gave it all to Him and the blessings have abounded... not always the ones I thought I would get <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... but when you're in His Will, you find it doesn't really matter...

It's not about us.

Our church is using a book by Rick Warren ( www.purposedrivenlife.com )... it is life changing...

I won't wish you luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... but instead, our memory verse from last week...

"For we are God's workmanship, made to do good works through Christ Jesus which God prepared in advanced for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

May you stay in God's Will and find His purpose for you.

Cali

God is on your side, and He will show you the wisest way to win your H by your lifestyle. God is for you, who can be against you? Greater is He that is in you... You can do this!

It sounds like a spirit of oppression, that visitor in the night... but you know, the battle belongs to the Lord and He will cause you to be victorious as you submit yourself to Him. ("Submit yourselves to God and the devil will flee.")

Good for you for putting your foot down, standing up for your beliefs and making yours a godly home. God will contend with those who contend with you--it's a promise!