Long time readers on this forum have surely recognized the wide range of interaction and outcomes on how BSs choose to involve their WS's family in ongoing affairs. Some, like me, immediately ran to the sibs and in-laws for assistance and support. Others keep quiet. In either case, examples exist that illustrate both good and bad outcomes.

Let's air out all the pros and cons for a BS to inform and involve the WS's family. The goal of this discussion should be to provide new BSs with everything they need to consider when contemplating this decision and if they decide to do it, what to do and what not to do.

I'll start by proposing there's an inevitable conflict between enabling a WS, in part, by assisting in hiding the truth, and in attempting to interfere with the course of an affair. Given that the BS is almost powerless to separate the affairees, it seems that if anyone else has a chance to influence the WS, it's their family. What are the factors to consider?

Clearly, the pre-existing relationship between the BS and the WS's family is a significant factor. In my case, I was very close to both of my WS's parents and her two sisters and their families. We had struggled together as a supportive extended family throughout my son's long illness. They even knew the OM. But when I sought support and help, I became an instant ogre - they all believed the lies and denials of my WS. In time, one suspicious SIL became a supporter and lurked on this forum reading my posts and the responses. She was the only support I had from my WS's family - until she betrayed me by sending copies of posts to my WS after I went to Plan B. I never understood why. In that the affairees are now married, they certainly now must know my original description of what was going on was correct. Regardless, today I sadly have absolutely no contact from my XW's family. So, in my case, involving the WS's family was to no avail and was detrimental in the end.

In the other extreme, an already strained relationship between the BS and the in-laws may be a no-brainer. Don't even consider it.

The pro for informing/involving the WS's family is what I have already stated - that they may be able to influence the WS.

One con is that it will be a huge LB to the WS. How dare the BS invade their privacy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Another con is that it may make reconciliation more difficult the more others know about the affair, assuming a chance of reconciliation takes place - which may not happen unless the affair hits the light of day - helped along by informing the WS's family. See? This is a tough decision!

OK, take it away! Please provide your insights, including any personal experiences, for how a BS should analyze this and choose what to do.

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

It is a tough decision. In my case I was so unsure of what to do. I didn't want family or friends to know. I pretended for a very long time. I did and still do talk at length with my brother in law. Sometimes I feel like I'm the boy who cried wolf. The rest of my H's family know that we have had problems but pretty much ignore it but they always tell me when it gets rough that "I have to do what's best for me and the kids". They support me but sometimes I think they expect me to stay no matter what. I don't know. I finally told my mom a few months ago. She told me it was a decision I would have to make about staying or going but that she was behind me no matter what. As with you, I don't think his parents believe me either. I haven't told very many people at all because I guess in a way my pride is in the way. I don't want people thinking that my marriage has failed. It is a huge dilema for us BS. Nobody wants to believe "it".

This post follows some of what was discussed in the topic On revealing the affair to the light of day but it is more appropriate here.

I discussed my situation with the ILs tonight. It has been hard not to reveal my Ws A(PA ended??) with the exBF, but I don't want to bail her out of her responsibility. However, I don't want her to think that she can hide it forever. So I am taking this approach:

When you do a jigsaw puzzle (if you are like me) you don't just find random pieces and try to put them together. You find all the pieces from around the edges so you can put together the frame for the rest of the puzzle. Once you have the border done, the rest of the puzzle becomes much clearer. OK, now that I have you thoroughly confused I'll elaborate.

I clued my ILs in on some of the edges of the affair w/o revealing the extent of it. My W told me that if OM had his way, we would be divorced already. So I told the ILs that. I also told them about "the sign"(see sig line). I told them that she was going to a B-Day party for someone she really never hung out with before and guess who else will be there: the OM. Let me say that in my situation I have thier full support and I also feel that my W is misleading them, is too ashamed or both. I prefaced the discussion with the fact that I am not trying to turn them against thier daughter but that I need to vent this to someone.

I know that this is a tightrope, but some serious daylight is needed. Maybe this passive agressive way of informing the ILs is the way to go for me.

The OM isn't fighting fair so neither am I.

Thoughts?

I told, and told I did, in pure crazy anger. Don't do it is my advice.. perhaps reveal the truth but in an adult mature way... DO NOT , I REPEAT DO NOT LB IN - LAWS... as I did... I chewed out my fil for being a ws himself and doing lots of drinking and etc. as a younger version of himself... basically told him it was his fault... I was in the BLAME stage then- it was fil's fault and ow's fault, not ws's.

Anyway, enough sd, I have to get to cleaning a bit in the kitchen...

Just be very very careful and think of the consequences.

hugs, HONEY

Honey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just be very very careful and think of the consequences. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely right! I am always running cost/benefit ratios in my head. Right now I'm setting the scene(very truthfully) and at the same time, not dropping the A-Bomb on them. The ILs are also aware of the strides I have taken to improve myself and they have been a constant source of love and encouragement.

This is soooo "soap opera" sometimes. UGH!

^

Its a toughie.

I actually made my wife tell her mother and stepfather. I demanded it because we were both looking like hell and loosing sleep.

Her mother knew we had a history of intimacy problems (wife discussed with her somewhat and at length with her sister and as you can guess then told their mother).

They were beginning to think I had wronged their daughter.

Her sister had just been thru a nasty divorce and there was Jerry Springer type antics and bad blood with the x-son in law. I wanted them to know that if we divorced (which at the time I was certain I was going to wind up doing) it was not me that had strayed.

In hindsight perhaps it was a bad move it has made things awkward for quite sometime. Its almost as if they are holding their breathe fearing their other daughter will wind up divorced with small children like her sister has.

But it also made me feel better. I no longer felt like they were looking at me and wondering what I did to wreck our marriage, why their daughter was losing weight at an alarming rate (I was even worse dropping 36lbs in not much more than 6 weeks), and why she had rings around her eyes from her lack of sleep.

If it were not for the regular contact we have with her family or if they lived in another town or state I probably wouldn't want to let them know. But we had contact with them every week what with them wanting to see the grandchildren and it was impossible to hide that something terrible was going on in our marriage.

Boy WAT, this is the age old question, to tell or not to tell...

I told all. I told everyone who would listen and even those who wouldn't listen. The pro: W ended the A within weeks of me telling all. The con: to this day we have VERY limited contact with her family since I too am an ogre now.

I would not hesitate to tell if I were again in that position. W has told me that my telling was a huge LB but at the same time she said it is what helped her end the A. I will risk the LB to get my W back. My IL's (W's parents and brothers) knew about the A and supported W woth the A and with leaving me. To this day they hate me for and because of the A. I don't follow the logic in that but then again, I don't follow the logic in an A.

Before you tell all: Make sure you have proof of what you are saying. Emails, pictures, recorded conversations, whatever. Most people don't want to believe someone can or is having an A and being able to show them proof will help win others to your side.

I suppose the pros and cons will depend on the in-laws and the state of their relationship to WS.

For me, WS' parents are the only ones that know about the A. His dad had an A a couple of years ago. WS told his parents we were having problems and finally told his mom that "another person was involved". Once he said that, I didn't hold back. I made it very clear to MIL that it was a PA.

I do have a good relationship with my in-laws.
I received a tremendous amount of support from MIL since she was a BS herself. She told me about the pain she went through and still goes through. At one point when I was ready for Plan B, she helped me stay in Plan A for just a little bit longer.

In terms of influencing WS, I don't think they played a big part. MIL tried to help WS understand what I was going through, but WS needed some support at that point, as well. FIL did talk to WS, but he remained neutral and just said he loved both of us.

For us, the bigger problem would have been to tell my family. If they knew, I don't think they would ever forgive WS.

very good and helpful information. here is my case:

me and my WS decided not to tell anything to anybody. just tell them we separated and not get into details. I held out for two days and then told all of her close blood relatives (mother, father, grandmother). It has not caught up w/me yet as it just happened two days ago, but it will today. I am sure my wife will be furious when she finds out that I broke our arrangement and told them.

The funny thing I've never been close with her family. But after we separated, they are very supportive of me and are not approving of her behavior. USE YOUR JUDGEMENT. Some parents will fight tooth and nail for their kids no matter what their kids are doing. They will never really listen to anything bad about their kids, think what's right and what's wrong, they'll just assume that if their kid wants to do this, it is right and they will support them all the way and hate everybody else who is not supporting them. THAT WAS NOT THE CASE IN MY SITUATION.

For the sake of yourself you need to tell as many people as possible in search of support and emotional soothing. But be careful, people may hurt you by not caring and telling you are dumb for what you are doing/thinking/feeling. AGAIN USE YOUR JUDGEMENT. If they are supportive and are willing to talk to you and help you through this, talk to them. If they are, they will most likely will have some positive influence on your spouse. This may help WSs to realize what they are doing and turn around.

On the other hand (I think my WS will turn out this way), your spouse may think that you are trying to take his/her family away and to get them on your side for leverage or whatever else. Your spouse may feel that you are being sneaky and are trying to make the life as hard as possible for him/her (no other factors matter. It does not matter what else you are may be doing outside of talking to her/his relatives). I think this will happen to me today or tomorrow in which case i am going to say "i am sorry you feel this way and are angry at me. you have every right to be angry at me, but you are an adult and don't have to talk to me like that (i know she will blow up). as for me, i just feel hurt, scared, confused, lost in the world of feelings/emotions and am very vulnerable to people willing to talk to me and to support me right now..." and i will probably walk away after saying this.

Hope this helps. would appreciate any feedback on my statement to her once she confronts me today (or tomorrow).

In my case, bringing my IL's into it was a huge benefit. I have always had a great relationship with them, and the only problem I had with coming to them was that they may come down harder than I wanted them to on the lovely Mrs. MTD. And I was right. See to them, I was the greatest thing since like, Oxygen (don't really know why). They told her never to step foot in their house until she dumped dumbo, and then offered me a place to stay for a while if I needed. So much for blood being thicker than water. Of course my experience is going to differ greatly from others. I would never expect this kind of reaction from most IL's. But if you think the guns are on your side, call in the cavalry I say. One of the big factors with her mother was that her mother was once a WS (Mrs MTD's father is actually step-father but no different really) and was disgusted her daughter made the same mistake. Which of course brings up another old topic about the children of WS's, but that's another thread all-together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MTD

I told my SIL who then told my IL's and my immediate family and I actually had the "blessing" of my WH because he knew I would need all the support I could get after I found out.

My IL's have been so supportive and although they are also supporting WH they DO NOT support WHAT he is doing and they do NOT support OW.It really helps me to know that everyone knows.They call me all the time to see how I am doing and I know I am always welcome.This OW will NEVER be welcomed into the family.Some food for thought for my WH.

So,for me I was very glad that I told.They may have some influence over him and try to get him to see the "light" and maybe that will help,maybe not but at least I am comforted that my daughters and I will still have the loving realtionships with them even if my WH and I don't end up together again.

O

Honey: I can understand your reaction to the A. You are trying to find some answers in a world of chaos. I have analysized my H childhood also. I believe that this does follow a pattern. I have asked my H is his Dad did or if he ever suspected. Right now there is the 'dunno know', but close friends of the mom say mom was talking to them about it. I have to think that maybe yes.I am still doing the research since my H is denying but the evidence is looking good. I have gotten in support and will seek counseling, I am at the end of trying to control him. After counseling and if it is still going on, I will have to make the next decision. This time=limit of 6 months plan A then 2 yrs. plan B WOW that seems harsh but I am new and in the quick fix mode.

I guess much depends on the type of relationship the WS has with his/her family.

If they are very supportive, loving, moral and ethical, even highly religious, then they may be in a position of influence to bring the WS to their senses. Also depends on how open the WS is to hearing from the family. Will s/he actively listen, or is s/he too fog-bound for the family sensibilities to penetrate?

Then the risk also is that the family may just eventually accept the OP, believing whatever horror stories they perceive to be "truth" about the BS. At that point, I believe the family can actually be enabling of the A.

Risky business, either way.