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I was writing to a friend of mine that has been helping me with all this. Well I wrote her a email and accidently sent it to my wife. She is going ot be soooo made at me. What should I do

I will attach what I wrote. OMG she is never going to speak to me again.

I WROTE
Yes you are very correct about Heather s mothering skills, she does treat those kids like they are in her way. Also I know that Heather has a boy friend. But he has told her that he wants nothing to do with her children. I cant even think about being with someone that doesn't like my kids. You see the only reason she is with him is because he has money. Oh get this he is like 40 something as well. She has told people she likes him because he is like a fantasy for her. Come on Heather grow up. She is trying to live her childhood again and my boys are paying the price.

No I don't want to go back to her with the way it was. There will have to be changes in our marriage to make it work. I am willing to do this because I do love her. It does hurt me to think about her being with other men, but I was no angel this last fall. I can forgive but no I will never forget. I will just have to place it in the back of my head like I did before.

I don't know Stacy. I love her more than anything. Not wanting me is one thing but the way she is treating those special boys is killing me. For now my focus is to get home and start a new life for me and my boys. If Heather were to ever pull her head out of her [censored] then she can be part of that life. But I bet you when she finally comes around (if ever) I may be gone and she will be lonely forever because she will never find anyone who loves her as much as I do.

Where did you hear about Heather's boy friend? I think she is just acting out right now trying to get some attention. If you wanted a divorce would you still have pictures of the man you were divorcing in your house?

I have thought about weather or not my mind was cloudy right now. But its not. I know there are some major problems and they may never be fixed. I just want the peace of mind that I never gave up. SHE DID.

Thank you so much for talking with me. I always love talking with someone.

Talk at you later .....Danny

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I don't know if we can help much with this one.

Others that have done similar things told their spouse that they were venting feelings of frustration to a friend and they asked forgivness. Perhaps you could calmly compose another SHORT letter to her doing this and then send it so she can read them both one after another.

I wish I could help more.

Any other ideas from out there?

SS

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I am having a panic attack right now. All that work that I had possibly acomplished down the toilet because I clicked the wrong button. I feel like a real jack [censored].
Can someone go to her house and delete it for me. This sucks so bad. I attacked a mothers motherhood. She is going to be so angery. I may as well get ready for the divorce pappers.

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if she hasnt retrieved it cant you unsend it??

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Buddy,

The world will not end. She is with another man so this email is not really going to matter long term. Maybe it will wake her up maybe it will piss her off, but the point is this is the way you feel and bottom line she should know the whole truth anyone. Maybe you did it on purpose in a unconscious way. But in the end it will not make or break you. Besides, you are the wronged party here so why should you feel guilty and worry about what she is thinking and feeling right now.

Good luck

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My life is over. She just called me on the phone and is not that mad about the letter but says she doesnt want me.

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Im filing for a DV tomoroww

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Im filing for a DV tomoroww
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take a deeeeep breath and relax a second.

Now, if she doesn't want you, then let HER file. Don't do her work for her. Don't make it that easy for her.

JMHO
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She says she wont do it. Not until I get home. She says because of the money that I get for the family because Im in the military. I give a rats [censored] about the money.
We had a major LBing phone talk. She says she is not seeing anybody right now. She says she does not love me and never really loved me. She says that she forced herself to love me. Then she started bring up a lot of bad stuff that I did in the past. She says I never once cooked her dinner, petty stuff like that.

She says that she wants to fall madly in love wiht somebody. Feel that feeling of lust for someone. She says that she never felt that way to me. I know shes lieing about that.

I told her I would buy her HNHN's and to please read it. She said NO. I told her if not for me than for her next marriage.

I guess I need to go to plan B. I love her more than anything. Why wont she give me a chance.
Im really starting to hurt a lot. I have never cried so much in my life
Danny

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Danny,
You have a right to cry. You have a right to feel bad. You are hurt, and you are afraid.

This is what we have been trying to tell you. Lets go through it again. Please don't feel like I am lecturing you, this is hard to get and it takes all of us time.

She says she wont do it. Not until I get home. She says because of the money that I get for the family because Im in the military. I give a rats [censored] about the money.
This is not your enemy, this is your friend. It gives you the time you need to do plan A. A is where you need to stay for a few months. Of course you don't care but Financial Support is one of her emotional needs. You have a chance to meet it and suck up to her while doing it. Sorry to sound so crude, but that's kind of what it is.

We had a major LBing phone talk. She says she is not seeing anybody right now. She says she does not love me and never really loved me. She says that she forced herself to love me. Then she started bring up a lot of bad stuff that I did in the past.
All of us sometimes have major LB'ing talks. It'w what we do after when we are calm again that gives us chances. So she doesn't love you and never did. If you read others stories here, THIS IS WHAT THEY ALL SAY. IT IS WHAT HAPPENS IN ALMOST EVERY CASE.

Here is a line I want you to say over and over until you have it memorized.
" I will not take what she says at face value."
Repeat at least 100 times. Say it in your mind when you talk to her on the phone and when you read mail from her.

She says I never once cooked her dinner, petty stuff like that.
Bingo. Now we are getting somewhere. Petty to you, major EN to her. WE ARE DIFFERENT. WE ARE DIFFERENT. WE ARE DIFFERENT.
She just gave you some valueable information. Now more than ever you should see what DR Harley is saying about meeting needs filling love banks. We need to learn to give them what they want, not what we want for ourselves. The world is full of husbands that give their wives what is important to the husband, and wives that give husbands what the wife wants. If we want to have a happy and fulfilling marriage, we have to learn to see what we call "petty" as being important, because it is to them.

Starting to see? I hope this is making sense. Like I said before, it took me a long time. Don't feel bad. The thing is, you have to want to do something about it, you have to want to change and then put in effort. It comes easier after a while, it really does.

She says that she wants to fall madly in love wiht somebody. Feel that feeling of lust for someone. She says that she never felt that way to me. I know shes lieing about that.
Exactly. But you can learn to meet her needs, and she will feel those feelings for you. First you need to learn that she is pushing your buttons to test you. And you need to stop failing the test. Then you need to learn how to meet her needs and do it consistantly for a few months. Then and only then she starts to trust you and feel love again for you.

I told her I would buy her HNHN's and to please read it. She said NO. I told her if not for me than for her next marriage.
My feeling is it would be better for you to show her the changes in you and then when she starts to be curious you can tell her where you learned it. Now she has told you no, honor her wishes.

I guess I need to go to plan B. I love her more than anything. Why wont she give me a chance.
She is giving you a chance. She said she won't D until you come home. You have a chance to show you can change and that you are safe and that she can trust you. I suggest you quit with the Reationship talks until you can learn what to say and you can stay away from LB's. That takes - Oh, say 3 or 4 months. See what we were saying about time?

Danny, this is how it usually goes. Almost word for word like it usually happens. If you had gotten "Surving an affair" by Harley, you would have been able to have a script for almost everything she would say. I believe that is the next book you should read.

Im really starting to hurt a lot. I have never cried so much in my life.
You can get through this. You can actually come out of this better and stronger and happier than you were before. Please trust me on this one. No matter what happens, you can be much happier than you are now. That is a by product of plan A if done properly.

Plan A lets her see how good you really can be.
Plan B shows her how much she will miss that new improved you. If you don't do a good plan A first, then plan B has no effect. So, not good to do plan B yet.

Tell me if this makes sense.

SS

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Here is a quote from another thread, I think it applies to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quote from Just a wifey 2002
Please...be careful of making any life-changing decisions right now. I find that during a crisis...we too often make decisions based on purely the emotion we are feeling at the time (right now pain and rage)...and we make the wrong decision...because our focus is so narrow.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

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There is nothing more in this world that would make me happier than to be with my wife once again.

This is killing me. She says I never cooked her dinner. I did a few times. But I made her breakfast a lot. I cant cook, I am embarassed by that. But you know what I did the dishes 90% of the time and would clean, give kids baths or other chores around the house. She makes it sound like I never did a damn thing.

She keeps saying that I wanted her to be my mother. That is so not true. I did most of the house cleaning around there. She did most of the laundry so I thought it was split prety good. She says that I always yelled at her when I would clean the house. In fact she would start nagging at me when I would do the cleaning. Then I would really lay into her. I have no problem cleaning the house but when I would have to come home from being at work and have to clean yeah I would be a little angery. But thats only becasue she was home all day long doing nothing. Than she would get feel guilty at me because I wanted to clean the house. She would imidatly start to push my buttins until we were fighting.

With that letter I wrote to my friend. My W started in on me saying that her kids are number one. Yeah right. When I was home for 8 days last week, the kids stayed with me the whole time. Well when I flew back, the second night the kids were home with her she got them a babysitter and was gone from 6 to 12. Now she should have been very well rested form the kids and knows that the kids needed her becasue I just left. She also keeps yelling at me that our six year old is a little [censored] and is going to live with me when I get home. Her just saying that breaks my heart. If your kids are number one than how can you call him names like she does and want him to go live with his father.

I dont want to split those two boys up. They are best friends and love one another so much. But yet if I tell Travis no then he is going to feel rejected from both his parents. His mother is already telling him that he is going to live with me.

You see Travis (the oldest) was my wifes world then came Tyler. Well Tyler had open heart surgery when he was a month old. Now because this and because Tyler is so kind hearted he gets all the special love and attention. Travis is always coming in second with his mom and you see Travis is a very smart kid and sees this. Well he treats her like crap back. Almost like he is crying out for attention from his mommy. I see it everyone sees it

I am not the only person who is noticing the way my W is treating our kids and it not just family members. I know it will be a major love buster but should I really tell her what I think about her and our children?

I dont know. I just think she is being very stupid on not even wanting to see if we can fix this marriage. She says she is not seeing that guy any longer but I dont belive her. She keeps telling me that I was the perfect first husband. That really hurts me.

So no Im not going to throw in the towel just yet. But I have been questioning myself if she is even worth all this emotion I am going through.

Sorry for being so long....Thanks....Danny

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Still Seeking
I know what you are saying about me needing for her to meet her EN and I have noticed that. But you see I am so far away so she cant see the changes in me. I would have never minded cooking for her. All she had to do was ask. Im not very good at it and embarassed by that so no Im not going to offer. But than I made up for it in other area's.

If she notices things that I can change why wouldnt she want to try and make this work. She wont even give me the slightest chace. If i came home tomorrow she would file for a DV.

I know it is going to take time but I am feeling like the more time I take the further she slips away. You see she already says things would have been differnt if i would have told her ow I felt even a couple of months ago. Also my wife has a very active sex drive and I am afraid that Im not going to want to be with her.

Well I think I have writen enough for tonight for all you to read and no SS I will never think of you as just lecturing me. Thak you so much
Danny

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Danny,

Well the misdirected e-mail isn't the smartest thing done by the BS but not the dumbest either..... stick around a while we have a bunch of stories to share!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maybe a positive point? She might think she has insight to you and now is anxious to see who else you are speaking your heart out to. See she may have already done that with an OM or others. You never know the thinking process of those in the fog. Some even claim they are not in the fog and then can't explain their way out of a bag!!! Very true.

So what to do? Well don't be stuck apologizing forever. Admit it wasn't smart to show your pain but don't over apologize for it. Then just move forward. She may periodically ask what else you said or are saying. So maybe you can reap a minor benefit from this goof up.

I call this making lemons out of lemonade syndrome. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Also don't expect too many positive reactions or even normal reactions from her right now. Expect that she will contradict you no matter how logical you sound.

Why is this important? Because knowledge that this could happen will help you from getting too depressed when it does. Your anxiety attacks will lessen because you were somewhat aware it could happen.

Being forwarned is being forarmed.

take care,
L.

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You messed up not in that it went to your wife but that you intended for it to go to a female who is NOT your wife or your professional counselor.

Never discuss marital probs with someone of the opposite sex.

Find a guy friend to email to. Cut off the emails to Stacy.

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Ok today is a new day. I still want to be married more than anything. Yesterday I had a melt down.

Can someone please tell me that I can do this. If you need it be I can sit down and write out everything that has happened.

Tomorrow I go to see a counselor for the first time. If I dont like her Im going to see if I can afford to call someone here.

Im going to continue a plan A for now. Im going to really work on getting home because I know if I stay here she will slip further and furter away.

I wish I knew what my W was thinking. She makes it sound so convencing that it is over. She even told me that someone she was talking to asked her how old she was and she told them she was 25. Then she says to them no wait Im 28. Then shy tells this person she said 25 because she feels like she lost the past three years because I guilted her back form the last seperation and that she hasnt loved me. Thats a bunch of bull. Last time yeah I was doing the same thing but much worse. The begging the crying all that crap. Then finally I said enough was enough and I started seeing a friend of mine and had little contact with my wife. Well after about three weeks I told my friend that I was not ready to be dating yet and I still love my wife. So I just started to live for me and my kids and the next thing you know my wife called me to work things out.

I know I should be doing (ecept the dating part) the same thing this time. But you know what its hard to do being so far away because she saw me changing and moving away from her the last time. Here she cant see that so she still feels what she is doing is right. Maybe it is, I dont know.

I told her why cant you just test the waters with me. You will have nothing to lose and your family to gain.

She can be so stuborn. She keep saying to me last night that you are to late I am over you. So I asked here why you never called me wanting to work things out, how come you never asked me to stay in Germany to see if we can fix things. She says because she has to much pride. Thats great, her kids are going to have divorced parents at very young ages because of HER pride. Wow do you think that is fog or what?

So I hope somebody can help me out with todays thought. I really appriciate what you all are doing for me. I will never forget all the things you do.
Dan

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Hey guys I know your all busy to but Im in need of some words of encouragement. PLEASE

I was in better spirits earlier but now Im having a panic attack and feeling very alone right now.

Danny

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Hi Danny,
I work in a retail store, and if I am at my desk, I try and answer more quickly, but some days I "get" to do other stuff, so not much help then.

This trip you are on will be difficult.

Orchid said this in her last post:
Also don't expect too many positive reactions or even normal reactions from her right now. Expect that she will contradict you no matter how logical you sound.

Why is this important? Because knowledge that this could happen will help you from getting too depressed when it does. Your anxiety attacks will lessen because you were somewhat aware it could happen.


She is right on, you should just work your plan, and ignore it when W says it is finished. See, they all say that. The ones that come back and re-build their marriages say that, so you have to have some faith that things may work out. I admit that sometimes things don't work, but you want to have the knowledge that you did all you could do.

You talked about how you did do some things around the house, and I believe you. What she says will be partly false, partly true. It will however give you clues as to how you can better meet her needs.

I know you are concerned about needs you can't meet right now. We often worry about things we can't change. I suggest you worry about ( and spend time thinking about) the ones you can do something about. That is where your effort needs to be. Don't burn up your energy with things you can't change.

Make a list of what needs you know she has that you can work on from afar. Communication, admiration, affection. These can all be done over the wires at least to some degree.

You can encourage the kids to help their mom, you can make sure you take care of her financial needs and a few perks too.

Like Orchid said ( at least I think is was she,) do it slow, a little bit at a time.

One of my best friends swore he would never marry the girl that he is now married to. She did something once that really turned him away. He told me he would never have anyting to do with her again, but she kept slowly making deposits in his love bank. They have been married over 25 years now. Mostly happily.

Keep making deposits.

Remember that this is based on the fact that when you are nice to someone there is more chance that they will like you. Be nice to her.

We'll give you a little bit as often as we can, just like you should do for her.

SS

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

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Danny,

Don't lose hope. Your W sounds like she really knows how to push your buttons. I bet if you work on YOU first, you'd be in a much better position to deal with your M. You sound like a very intelligent, sensitive guy so use those traits to do some self-inventory. It will help you individually, hopefully with your M and definitely with your children.

In regards to your mis-directed e-mail, I'm not sure if I have the facts straight, but it sounds like you were separated at the time and she had a boyfriend, correct? Well, if that's the case, I think that deserves a little lashing out, which I think we've all been guilty of at one time or another.

I'm sure you think your W deserves the world, but you can't forget about yourself. Love yourself, and the rest becomes a little easier.

Good luck.

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Well yesterday was hard day for me. But something a little strange happened. Im not looking at it as hope just something that has puzzled me.

After all your advice I decided to not listen to you all about buying her the book HNHN. I flat out asked her if she would read it if not for our marriage than for her future ones.

Well of course she wrote back NO and when we were talking on the phone (after the mis sent letter) I asked her if she was going to read it because I told her it was on the way. Once again she said a very firm NO way.

I did order the book but something was wrong with the credit card number so they e mailed her about it. My W in turn forwarded me the message so I could fix it. I fixed it and accidently sent it back to the W ( it was 2:30 in the morning for me I was very tired). She noticed the mistake right away and e mailed me back to tell me.

So its all fixed now I think. But if she was so dead set on reading it, all she had to do was not tell me about the mistakes. So I think she will read it. After I told her that I have read it twice along with some other books she sounded very surprised. She even told me that she has heard of HSHN's .

Maybe this is a tiny baby step or maybe not. We will see.

Gotto thank you for the words of encouragement. I am a very sensitive guy but for some reason my W doesn't get to see that side very often. Thats what I am going to work on. SS I always look forward to hearing from you, Thank you for being here for me

Lets hope today will be a better day. I get to finally go and see a counselor. I hope she can shead some light on this mess.

Danny

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