MIMI! WHEW!!
I don't fault you at all for "letting" this happen! Only time will tell if it helps or not.
IF it does help, then GREAT, the gamble paid off.
IF not, then you know what you have to do, it may set you back a bit time wise, but I don't think all will be lost because of it!
You are only human after all!!
Keep us posted! And if you are tempted again before NC, DON'T give in, just leave him wanting you!

Mimi,

Ya know! If you're going to break contact...why not really break it LOL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have a big hunch this isn't going to hurt your situation....and I sure hope that's the case. I think the thing to do now is to use it to the best advantage and go completely and utterly SILENT. Let him remember the wanton minx you were in that office and not be able to approach you at all. Be unattainable, that little taste of what he is missing haunting his mind. Disappear as though it meant nothing. I hope this speeds up the process of NC. If it doesn't, well your Plan B may have to extend a bit....but regardless, it seems ample evidence....that it ain't over. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mimi .....

I wanted to point out something to you .... not as a reprimand, but to open your eyes to something .... and maybe challenge you just a bit.

You said:

"I know it was a mistake but right this minute I don't care. In the short term, it was wonderful. I'll probably start my withdrawl again tomorrow. I'm still on a high tonight. I just sit and relive the experience."

These words may be close to verbatum what a WS tells him/her self when breaking NC.

If you've ever seen the movie "Unfaithful" you can feel these thoughts pass through her mind as the incredible Diane Lane rides the train home after meeting her lover.

I don't blame you one single bit Mimi!!!! I did the exact same thing when I made WS live elsewhere ..... but with one difference .... my WS was not still having sex with OW.

Go get tested Mimi. And, you'll have to get tested again in about 3 months. If OW is an experienced gal-around-town .... you may have picked up some virus or bacteria.

Sorry ..... this sucks!

Today is a new day ..... and, on the bright side, I'm sure you've given WS something to think about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Now is the time to turn your Plan B back on .... cuz he's gotten a "taste of Mimi" and will want a second dessert real soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Pep:

It was SAFE S****.

You got it! The whole experience was like UNFAITHFUL. That was the movie I was thinking of.

Mimi, you dog!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You have him cheating on the OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, now that you have given him a taste of things to come, I hope you back away quick, lest he stay on the fence between 2 women for another 6 months preparing to deliver that NC letter. Please tell him to contact you WHEN he has ended contact.

LOL Way to go Mimi. Perhaps letting him get a taste of what he's missing will put him to action faster.
Sorry but I got to say this. I hope he went home and OW found him too exhausted to do it with her. LOL
I do agree with the others though on not letting him get you in this circumstance again!
A week after H came home from last visit with OW, and he'd told her he was staying in his marriage, he had me make a reservation for mountain cabin.
It was one wild S** weekend.It was like he hand't made love in a very long time. Well, he did say OW was not capable of real love making.
But I say it was sex only with OW and making love with us!
Fortunately for me, she wasn't in shape to do much. LOL
There really is a edge for wife who knows her H's sexual taste and likes and dislikes. Experience wins everytime!
Oh well, I'm rattling on. LOL That image of the office is great!
Get back to being evasive. And hey, the house is important because it's not just a house, it will be your home! Big difference there.
Look at it as not being materialistic.Because if you're in a house where you're not happy, it will tell. And that makes it harder to put your energy into rebuilding the marriage part.
A woman's home is a very important part of her. If she's happy in it, it shows!
You don't need anything that would put you in a depressed mood!
So choose according to your taste and one you know will be a happy place for you both when H comes home! Ones surroundings have a lot to do with moods.
God bless, LouLou

Mimi,
I'm pretty new around here but have read your posts. I don't blame you at all for what you did. In fact I did the same thing and it's amazing how the sparks can fly!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree with what Star said, you this to your advantage!! I understand what you mean about your house and not wanting to rent. You do what is best for you!!!

I wish you all the best!!!

Time for a title change Mimi! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Is that what you're up to? Thought you might be on now. No worries. It's late for me, time for bed, will check in in the a.m.

Mimi

I wouldn't beat yourself up over what happened. In any case you can't undo it. I would though look carefully at how you react to it.
My opinion is that what you have done has shown your WH some of what he is missing and that is positive. On the other hand, you have also shown him that you are still there and attracted to him (i.e. he has you as a fall-back - you are 'waiting' for him). I think you need to go dark now, and I mean really go dark on him. He may well contact you or try to engineer a repeat. It is very important that you are not there for him. This will be hard for you, but I think it will pay greater dividends.

Good luck.

S.

I'm open to suggestions.

I think it's a good thing that I am coming to terms with who I AM. Even though it may be the best thing for my marriage, I cannot move into a rental house. That would be a major LBer for the WS. The Love Bank would daily dwindle to zero. I would feel that he put me in the position of suffering not only the loss of him but also the loss of what I treasure. As I told you guys before, I make a house into a home. That is one of my joys in life. I need a place to put my trinkets including my doll collection and my teddy bear collection and my figurines and the flower arrangements that I have made and my candle lamps which match each room, etc.

So I'm giving him until tomorrow. If he does not meet my conditions, I'm buying a house on my own. I've given him the option of looking at the houses so he does not "feel left out". I used those words, realizing that has been a big issue in our marriage. He seemed to really appreciate that I understood the importance of this to him. However, he tried to stall me. I can't be stalled or else I could end of homeless. I only have two weeks left to close on a house.

I guess I'm like my WS. I did it MY WAY ,not strictly by the MB principles. However, this is new for me and I feel good about it. It's a chance that I am taking I know. However, if he wants to be with me, he will live with me in the house that I have chosen. It cannot be said that I did not consider his opinion although actually he has no right to have an opinion. My gut says that he's really close and we will eventually have sometime together to try our marriage again. If not, losing me is his loss.

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Firstly, I don't know if the recent "episode" between you and WS is necessarily a bad thing, (though I don't think you should make a habit of it- too enabling). After the distance of Plan B, at least it reiterates to him that there is still electricity between the two of you. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

I think in a sense you are in a make or break period for your marriage. I think the house issue is a huge issue for both of you with big ramifications.

When do you have to move out of your house by, Mimi?

I think you have to play some hardball with WS right now. It's scary and I am even scared to perhaps suggest this since I am no way a professional counselor and since Steve is advocating staying in a holding pattern. Yes, a holding pattern is okay- don't rush to make decisions but I think you have to keep the pressure up. Or your WS will be content to fence sit.

You need a place to live. A home that is comfortable and pleasant, that you can focus on. And you make a good point- if you have to put your life on hold, living in a dump while you wait for WS, you will resent him.

I think in a sense, this is WS's choice. He has a window of opportunity here.

He can break it off with OW, come back to the relationship, work on rebuilding and recreating a marital home TOGETHER. That's a huge opportunity for him.

Or he can stay in the relationship with OW, you will buy a house that will suit you, he can continue to dabble with OW for months longer, maybe years, and maybe you'll be there, maybe you won't. After all, you have needs too, and by choosing OW he is leaving you vulnerable to meeting someone else. Don't let him think otherwise Mimi. Don't let him think you are a saintly nun who is wearing a chastity belt! One thing that did affect my WS alot was worrying whether I might hook up with someone else.

I think you have to keep him off balance about whether you will be there waiting for him. You have to keep focused on your plans.

I don't know if this technique would help, but when my WS was waffling, I would play out the scenario as though he had gone all the way. I would paint the picture for him of him living in the country ("his dream") with OW, changing diapers of their child (she wanted one)(he would vehemently deny that they would have kids, and I would point out that pregnancy might not be in his control if he was leaving the birth control measures up to her) and me getting on with my life on my own with him taking the kids for visitation. I would refer to OW caring for our children and my WS would indignantly deny that she would ever care for our children. He actually claimed she wouldn't be living with him. Calmly I would say, well you're moving in with her, so it seems realistic to assume she'll be caring for our children. In my case, I believe painting the picture brought reality home to my WS fast enough that he decided not to proceed. The fact that she lived far away also helped.

In your case, I've said this before, I wouldn't let WS think that you are just going to burn a candle in the window forever. You can't do this in a threatening way- but it is reality.

So, you can talk about that stuff with him. There are subtle ways to make your points without lovebusting.

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>

Mimi,(AKA Frank???) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I've been looking out for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Have you gone back into Plan B proper since your WILD OFFICE ENCOUNTER?

This house issue is a big deal for both of you. Surely, when it comes to buying a house you would have a good idea of what H would want/like, and would bear that in mind in your choice?
ALL the houses we've owned (SIX in total) except 1 H chose before M, and ALL the ones we've rented as ex-pats (FIVE) I have chosen. H knows that I know what he likes/does not like. Yes, he has always been consulted, but it's just as a courtesy. He KNOWS I would never chose a house that he'd be miserable in. It would make my life even more miserable! LOL. I'm sure your H knows that too.

Just a thought

Maybe - forgive me if I've got it wrong - you are focusing on a potential LB that doesn't exist. Think about this:
If you choose/buy a house that he would LOVE , wouldn't that put huge deposits in the Love Bank? Don't know what you think of that, just thought I'd put my own twist on things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Mimi,

How are you doing? Recovered from the S? (LOL).

Lucky I can laugh. Tonight my H and I talked on the phone. I asked him about OW. He admitted spending the entire weekend with her. Admitted he is "in love" with her. In response to my question, he is "in love" with me also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Asked if he could give her up and return home to work on recovery...he said no.

I told him Plan B, but this time he has to move completely OUT (remember, he has his office in our home). He was open to it, said just to give him time to make arrangements with the home office.

I am very concerned. Like many others, I worry I will totally lose him. But I have to do Plan B for me and get stronger.

Mimi, sorry to hijack your thread. Please feel free to ignore, or to move over to my thread and post a response there.

BTW, am trying to follow the Mimi School of Thread Title Changing...not as successful as the original Mimi, of course!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hijacked and did an update on IS GIRL's thread. I did not mean to keep going and going when I was posting to her. I will keep you guys informed. I'm confident that he is close.

He's trying to do it HIS WAY as Steve Harley indicated. He might pull it off. Meanwhile, I have to try not to get sucked back into their world. I will focus on my upcoming move.

I'm busy with moving.

WS is probably content in his mind that I am making a new nest for him that he can come back to when he gets ready.

I would call it a "holding pattern".

I have mixed emotions. I'm excited about the process of nesting, making a new home. I'm not so happy about the waiting.

Hi Mimi,

You're doing well, I think. Keep concentrating on the move. Getting settled in your new house, getting it decorated, making it "yours" will be a great focus for you. I know, though, that if you are like me and my H, you will miss his involvement in making it a home. But try to remember you are doing this for you, not necessarily for "us." Although I pray to God that it ends up for both of you...but that is not where your head needs to be now.

I am surprisingly at peace right now. I think this second Plan B is working, for me, much better than the first. During the first, I obsessed about my H constantly and this time I really forcing myself to concentrate on me - doing things for me, that are good for me, fun for me, etc.

Anyway, here I go again, venting and hijacking (sorry!). Keep the strength, gal! You are doing so well, and appear to be the closes of any of us. Don't lose your footing now.

{{{{{{Mimi}}}}}}}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

IS:
What's so crazy is that my WS keeps trying to get involved with aspects of my move and the new house. He's trying to be a part of everything. However, he's not with me. He keeps saying "We" and "Us". He obsessively calls my Voice Mail about new things such as "I was thinking WE need a new washer and dryer; I've been going out and looking at them; You ought to drop by Sears and look at them". Another example, "let me give you this number of an advertisement I got for blinds". However, he is still "out there", as he says, and has not done the NC letter. Interesting! It's like he has a new project that has invigorated him. I guess he's wanting to "be happy" as Steve Harley said.

Mimi,

That house is the biggest piece of cake you have given him so far. He is happy because he has two women to take care of his needs. He is happy because now he can feel safe to work on and work out his relationship with OW. And still have you and the house there in the end.

This is called enabling. Insert "cocaine" in the place of "OW". Since this is an addiction. Now, would you let a coke addict that is runnign around town, ruining things, in on your plans for the future? Would you continue to do things so he can feel comfortable in his addiction and can continue to do what he is doing?

Come on Mimi. I know Steve told you the deal here. You should be in a holding pattern. Okay, dont upset the house issue. But he need not be involved at all until he meets conditions of PBL.

The more you let him sit the fence, the longer this will take.

In His arms.

Oh Gawd Mimi! I had to re-read your last post to make sure whose post I was reading! GIRL, you sound like an OW waiting for her MM to leave his wife!! Mortarman is right...you're feeding his addiction. I know it feels really really good right now, and I know you're on a real high from your little ROMP the other day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but you need to remind him that you're looking out for number one, and he's only welcome to join the party when he's met the requirements. He can whine and "sell" his story to someone else...YOU KNOW BETTER!!!