as a mom---god bless her and keep her safe. take her stress away and make her know she cant protect matilde. let her know she isnt at fault and cant change it for matilde either. take her pain away god and heal her also.

mattie---send that woman flowers and tell her how much you love her. seeing your child in pain is the most horrific thing a parent can do. especially if its a pain we cant fix. let alone she let your husband live--- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> --it has got to be very difficult. let her know you love her for it!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by matilde:
<strong>

What I didn't knew then, that as soon as I went away in my car, my mom went to her room and cryed also for me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , she never showed her pain. And I didn't saw it.
I would like to ask for a prayer for all those parents, and I thank God for the ones I got!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This touched me so deeply, matilde, and God Bless you for seeing the wonder of your mother so early. It took me much longer to have any appreciation for my mother.

I blew off my mother most of my adult life and resented her for not being more "supportive," "motherly", blah, blah, blah, blah. I didn't accept her how she was really was but I denigrated her for not accepting me as I was. Can you say double standard?

Well, you know what? When my son was killed a few years ago, it was my mother who there by my side the entire time, quietly handling things for me while her heart was broken from losing her only grandson.

My mother carried me through that horrible ordeal without batting an eyelash. She took a month off work and stayed with me. When push came to shove, my mother was there for me. No one else.

And Matilde, you have discovered the same thing. They may not be the mother that we idealize, but they really do love us in their own way. You are one smart cookie, Matilde. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nikko!

Thank you! What a great idea! I never got many ways to express my love to my parents, I was always kind of shy on that. We know we love each other, but we don't express it with actions... Anyway, thank you, I will do tomorrow, I'm happy you gave that advice, cause I wouldn't know what to do.

Melodylane, in many aspects I resent them, that is something I have to work on... to forgive many things. I think I'm already in the right path, and I DO know they did their best given the tools, background an education they had. Keep in mind, I do love them deeply, with their faults also. They are great parents, sometimes my mom made me just crazy, but that is an hability she has over me hehehe, will have to keep going to Al-Anon huh? But still I always loved them and always will love them.

I'm didn't knew about your son, I'm sorry about it, and it's amazing some of the ways God works. You had to pass thru that horrible experience, and in that you found out the love of your mom... I'm happy you did it, even after that and after all that time.

Melodylane, I just didn't discovered that, I have know this for all my life. I just didn't realized that my mom was hurting also because of my pain, amazing to me that that thought never crossed my mind. I feel for her, but tomorrow she is going to receive some beautiful flowers from me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (thanks again nikko). Hope that I can express my love, and bring some happines in a "normal" day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Thanks for the compliment, comming from you it's a big deal to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care

Hey nikko

I did it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I went to a local store here were they sell plants and flowers and bough mom 2 plants with flower pots and all.

I gave to her, and hug her and told her I love her. My mom's reaction was telling me why? That I needed them more than her that she has a full garden hehehe anyway that's her. I stayed some more, and she asked me to bring the plant to the dinner room for it to be an arrangement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . She liked them. See? At first that was her reaction, later she appreciated it, that's just my mom and I love her like she is.

What I did to my dad was he was calling me for some time now for me to fix his computer (yes in balcksmith home knife of wood), I spent some time here this morning looking for his problem, burned a cd with the necessary files, and fixed it (I hope) the problem is not there right now:), also I remembered to get him a telephone cable I have fixed last week for him.

So in the end I did it! and I did it the best I could and the best way I thought they needed it.

Thank you so much

Posted in the ladies board 1 day ago...

Well...

If you read my post under the thread here, that if H relapsed I wouldn't know??? Guess that was not true...
Here is the story:

Last night, I had to do some payments on bills like telephone and power. I do those on the internet, and I was checking the account, and saw that money didn't add. We have 2 accounts for that, H's debit card is the subbed one on the payments, but it doesn't show both accounts. mine does.
So I relogged whith my card number, and there was this charge in a supermarket in the zone where the OW lives.

As soon as I saw that, I knew there was no bank mistake or nothing. And I knew something was dead wrong. H called me about midday to tell me he had to go to Colombia for the day. I said ok go ahead. Just after that on monday he told me he had to go to Puerto Rico for 5 days? Well Puerto Rico, I couldn't accepted. Colombia for a day, sounded reasonable right? Until I found this.

Of course as soon as I found, I posted about chat, but couldn't because I was very upset, but later I received help from a dear friend here...

I wanted to call OW, call it quits and start drinking... and I'm thankful to God and to the ones who were yesterday for me for not to do it...

What I did was, taking one of my pills, antideps I still got but I have not taken then since december, and those made me sleepy. I needed to sleep.

Funny thing, I was not even mad or angry, I was just hurt and dissapointed. Why I was not angry? well I think I have read my share of stories on MB as much as you, to knew this to be a very real possibility. As long as H kept working whith OW, this could have happened, I mean, I don't believe we are SPECIAL in any way to deny this, or to believe this will not happen to me anymore. Nope I was VERY aware that this could have happened, and I guess experience does makes the difference, since this is a third to me and I was affected and still I'm, but is not as before.

I guess all the MB work, 12 steps work, and my changes are sticking to me, and I was the one who didn't believed on those huh? So...

I went to bed and slept until H arrived around 1:20 am? I'm not that sure about the hour... and I had printed over the statement and asked him to tell me what he have done in the whole day?

Of course he told me he went to Colombia, and I said ok ... show me ur passport, he said he left it at the office and couldn't enter because the alam was set.. yeah right I wonder now how come he could then when he arrived that late to pick his car? But I let that one fly. I told him, I want to be open minded about this, but please explain the charges here... he told me he didn't made them, that there was some kind of bank failure , I thought again? geee we must be the foolish guys on earth on this bank with many mistakes and still we have the account huh? so I let that one fly also...

H changed clothes but stopped, I guess he wanted to run away again, but I was not upset or demanding like before, so what were his choices? There was no way he could have blame me over that. He had to live whith it, I indeed tryed to understand, well by now I think I do at some degree at the mind of a WS.

So in the end, I was tired, I saw I was just listening to fog talk (amazing I can at least understand the language now ) thought I never would... but again experience makes the difference huh? and a bit of perspective... SO I said, ok let's go to bed, and tomorrow morning, we are going to be very early to your office and have a look at that passport ok? Then I stood up and I was on my way to bed, and H grabbed me and came clean...

Yes he was whith OW, he saw her at the office, he felt alone in Costa Rica, you know the drill, he got the temptation and went for it. We went to bed, and I had a hard time getting sleep but in the end, I did...

H seems repenant today, he knows he made a huge mistake to put it mildly, and he doesn't know what to do. Or he does, but he doesn't want? I still don't know that yet.

He told me he wanted to keep trying, that he knows his place is whith me, that he wants to go to the counselor (first date is tomorrow), keep going to Al-Anon for spiritual growth, and even decided he can not keep at that job and told me he is going to quit after the holidays we got next week.

So where do we stand now? only God knows... H tells me he doesn't want to go away anymore, he doesn't want to leave home, and I didn't asked that this time. I feel it's going to help me if he is there... How, I will keep ddaying until I loose all my love for him. Great plan on recovery huh? Have to tell Harley about that one. But from the bottom of my heart right now, right this minute I got no other plan, worked other plans and they payed off at the time, but I'm tired, worn out and whithout faith. Not a good way to be to think on recovery, I whish I felt different but that is how I feel now

I have asked H to find me the name and any contact info on OW's H. I think is time I have a talk to him, H told me forgive me I'm a coward, I can't be there whith you but can't stop you either, and that is true. If he doesn't give, it's just an issue of time. No matter what I will do I think he needs to know now, it's been too long already, and that is one of the things I regret I did not did at the begining. Well fixing my mistakes also...

So here is the story of what happened... I'm not even asking for help anymore, because you have given me much already... I just wanted to update on how things are "going" over here...

Thank you for reading and sorry if this turned out to be long or hard to understand.

Edited to add:

I realize that I have done all in my power to save this M, but that is not my choice. I'm powerless over many things and one of those is the way H behaves. I also know I can't take the steps to dettach and do not allow to be further hurt, but right now, I don't feel strong enough to do it, and I'm not making desicions just now. I whish I were cristal clear in my thinking now, but is not the case, and until I do I will not make them, and I'm ok by it now.

<small>[ April 02, 2004, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Here is the update <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Today must have been pick on matilde's brain day.

It started whith the counseling session, which was very good at my view. The counselor listens, is veru straight on her answers and is 100% pro marriage, don't know on the christian stuff yet. But I relate to her I feel comfortable whith her.

As you can guess, time flew, and it was impressive that with so little background, she could have been that assertive.

Then went to work, and then the counselor adviced on a psycological profile of me and H. I did mine on records time for her hehehe, it was fun and I had no idea on what was about to do. In a few I think I'll go to my meeting.

About all of you who are wondering how I'm because of this relapse, I'm really doing ok. Of course I'm hurt, but I have come to know that if H wants to KEEP doing poor choices and keep trying to manipulate me and lie to me... those are his. My choices are to detach and let him be. In the end, I have learned a lot, and still learning and I have standed for what I believed to be truth and principles.
If he decides he wants to keep playing this game, well goodspeed to him, cause I'm not going to be there. When??? I don't know, but I can assure you I'm not into the pitty party I once were. I know I'm not the best lady around there but I'm not the worse either, and sooner or later, if this doesn't work out (and I still got the best of my intentions to make it work), I'm going to be sooooo fed up, that is me who is the one that will going to leave and for good.

Many of you know, that my H is posting here now. You made him before me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . All I can ask you, is please try to help him as much as you have helped me. And I will ask God, that leaves H's mind open to receive the help.

Again, I'm really ok. There are a lot of fears that might come from separating again, but they are not paralizing me as before. I have learned to trust God and his ways, keep in mind, that I still don't understand them, but I will accept them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

matilde,

You sound very strong and centered on your goals matilde,,and that's so good! Wishing you continued strength! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you Nerly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> a year passed over for a reason, hehe yeah I'm a slow learner.

This morning I I had to do some errands, and we asked a friend of my H to go whith us. A dear friend to me, we are very simmilar and his wife is like my H.

Anyway he came whith us (H and me), and I had to go and pick up some pictures I left developing from my Roraima trip among others, I was asking the lady for a discount, and the next thing I knew is that I heard some sort of a thump and one man asking what happened to this guy? Then I turned my head and OMG! there it was my H on the floor!! Haven't I said he is too thin now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , anyway. You can bet I couldn't believe it, it was a mess. I'm not very good dealing whith this kinds of issues, in the past when my H had a severe asthma attack all I could do was laugh! I guess it was the nerves or something. Anyway there I was, by his side, at the begining I thought this has to be a bad joke he s playing on me, that lasted about a second, he was on the floor on one side like sleeping, only thing he was not, I tryed to reach for a pulse or see if he was breathing no luck there, yelling call an ambulance, and wondering were was our friend? I turned over H, and was going to do CPR on him when I saw he got a tiny breath and slowly he came back. All I thought was please not now! not when we are trying!

Then the ambulance came, and our friend was looking for a soda for him, he has told him he didn't felt well no wonder. I guess it was low tension, but this was a first to me. I hope he got the "hint" now, and start eating good now, and maybe gain a few pounds for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Then we went to a hospital and they hydrated him. And that was it.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!
MATILDE!!!!!!!!!!

I read your posts and I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

the way you say oh by the way the thud on the floor was my husband...

...tried to find a pulse.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

aaaaggggghhhhh!!!!!

blessings blessings blessings to you...

give him lots of gatoraide....

good grief... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am glad he is 'OK"

ark

Matilde! I am so glad he is ok. Now maybe he will eat right!

H and I had been together for about 3 weeks now...

I don't know if I'm looking at things from the right point or not, and I think I need some POV's in my situation. I'm going to make a list of the good things that has been hapening and the not so good things, maybe It will require more time and patience I know that, but maybe it will require more than that and I'm seeing it or maybe not? I'm very confused right now.

I'll start with the bad things. I'm sorry but those things are the ones that are making me do this post.

I have asked him to either give up, or let the credit card statements arrive here. Until now, not luck with it, this is the CC he used with OW.

He is still working with OW, I have asked him to tell me if there has been any contact, and I can't believe there has not been, and the only time for sure it happened he relapsed. See my previous thread, so he is not honest maybe? We have decided for him to quit his current job and look for another one, but althought I can mantain home with my salary, money is going to be tight, we have to give up some things, but I think we can make it. That is a hard choice since unnemployment rates go way up to 70%, and he has a good paying job, now I'm asking myself if it's worth it at all? I mean he can change jobs and continue this right?

The cell phone has been an issue before, he used it to contact OW and that is how I found out. Now I try to communicate with him, and he has told me he is trying to leave it at work, that he doesn't know where is it? But well for sure he knows, because each time I call, I don't get redirected to answering machine ASAP, but it rings and rings until I had the answering machine, meaning at least he is charging it.

I have asked for OW's H information, and have been waiting for 15 days already. He says he can get it as easy as a phone call but has he made the call? I mean why don't I got it yet?

He is still overspending with the "hidden" credit card. I know he is an obssessed buyer now, but he "forgets" to mention what he buys and ask BEFORE.

I still get informed on plans and trips when we are with family or friends, I'm not told before, like for me not to make a scene?

Time together, we have not managed very good, he is still a workaholic, and when he arrives here, I'm already on my way up to my meetings (mostly because I'm angry and don't want to drink again so I go to a safe place). Then when I arrive it's 10 pm and we have little time to "talk". I have asked how is he planing on recovery, if we don't do breakfast, lunch or dinner together, and by the time we can "talk" we are already too tired, so no safe enviroment for that. I have asked for us to at least have lunch once a week and we did yesterday, but is that good enough?

I know I may be obsessed with the A and "what happened" maybe I'm not going to get a real answer ever, and I know it gets tiring, but I need to know, and each time I ask, there is never a good time to talk about it.

On the SF deppartment, I'm the one who is always looking for it, and he is not that affectionate in general as I have asked him to be, it's paying a toll on me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

He has promised to keep going to Al-Anon, but somehow, he is too tired, or doesn't have the time, or we are doing some other things, like is not important. But I do think is important to grow spiritually also, not just the money and studies issue.

Now the good things

He is and I'm going to counseling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

He tells me we are better, that I better look where we were 3 months ago, one month and now and we have growed and that he is trying.

When I get low or blue, he cheers me up, like we can make it, he has faith we can, most of the time, when he looses it, I cheer him up.

He is calling me everyday more, just to say hi and to see how things are going.

I just don't really know. I guess my bad list is telling me, that is really crazy, keep doing the same things all over again and expect different results right? And I don't see radical changes here. But why? I think those are simple things, maybe they are not?

I'm just very very very confused and sad <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Eddited to add

H feels like running, I think is very scary what he feels now. He told me he feels like he doesn't deserve any of this, that because hiw wrong behavior, he doesn't feel like home is home, like enjoying things. Well I have told him I forgave him, and besides that is not my job, that is God's job, and maybe he should start by forgeting himself. I know it was wrong, but we a lot of the time tend to do wrong things right, we just need to prove we changed for good, and that helps in the forgiving issue right?

Still confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

^BUMP^

hey sweetie----welcome to my world. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> make your boundries and stick to them...dont settle for the surface stuff or what he thinks you should get. do it now---not 2 more yrs down the road.

Hey nikko..

Thank you for answering my post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and checking up on me, LOL I don't know why you still read mines.

I don't want to be a drama queen or nothing but sometimes it's gets sort of frustrating the low ammount of replies I get under this, and I can really used the help as anyone.

And I know you relate to me as much as I do to you. Our H's must be twin brothers.

Yes you have taught me, that it doesn't worth to wait 2 years to be where you are now. I don't mean to say this in a hurtful way to you nikko, is just that this time I'm paying attention, and looking at "recoveries" like yours or other ones I don't want to mention right now, open up my eyes big time.

Like I know, my script is no different really just the names of the character changes, but is the same. And by now I have read my share here... That at least keeps me alert and not so blind.

I don't know, I guess I do want to be M, but is that hard to be right?. I feel most of the time, that I ran out of fuel, or when I do, I'm just running on automatic.

Regarding your situation and mine... I think there is a difference... maybe is not that important, maybe it is...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> make your boundries and stick to them...dont settle for the surface stuff or what he thinks you should get </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THE ANSWER FOR THIS!!!

I'm not shouting, just pointing it out this has been a serious problem with me and H. It's like this... I make a boundary, he doesn't respect it... drama... angry... reconciliation... and back to normal...

SO it's a circle.

Nothing I do seems to affect him, like nothing is important, like he doesn't suffer or care for nothing, I'm pulling my hair and at the same time crying as I write this, because I feel powerless... and is not because I want to control, is because there is nothing I can do to make him stick to those.

nikko maybe your H needs a wow time, and be afraid, but well... since they are twin brothers... mine didn't bothered. I still he still doesn't bother if I throw him out or not again. ARGGG this is frustrating!!!

On the other hand I KNOW I'm powerless, and it is to early to tell... But how you make your boundaries stick, with someone who doesn't care for nothing or anyone?

This is sounding more like a rant so I'll stop

mattie---i dont have the answer to that. sorry

all i know is i am at the end of my recovery. hubby isnt on board yet, by his own choice. the only thing left is to separate. do i think it will rock his world....yes. do i think it will make him look into himself for answers and change. no

ive seen my husband when pushed---he is a vengeful and spiteful human. he will definately cut off his own nose to spite his face.

but these are all his choices. i cant do this forever....ive looked at it all so many different ways. i cant pretent its all ok. its not. im not happy and he doesnt hear my cries. he choses to be where he is. he choses to stay there. ive given him the gift he never gave me....a chance to change it before i rip his heart out and change his life/world forever. he hasnt taken it.

i can do no more except end my own suffering and move on.

Hey there ~ !

I don't usually post on your thread because I don't have anything useful to say to you--I can't give you what I don't have, ya know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This time is different, maybe?????

About the low number of responses when you need some:

I tend to not look at threads that are many pages because 1) it would take more time than I have to read the whole thread, and 2) it looks like that poster already has plenty of people responding. Since your thread is a "history", maybe start a new thread that states the current problem(s) you are having and ask posters to respond on your main thread? This might help you to not be "skipped over" especially when you need support.

About what you were saying about boundaries:

Recently, there was a post on another thread that explained that boundaries are not really about what anyone else does, it's what WE do (something like that--I'll try to find it and edit it in here if I do). So, if what you will do is throw out h and you don't think that's a bother to him, maybe the answer is in you doing something different than throwing him out. How about this--h I will draw big eyebrows, a mustache and beard and 4 moles on your face with a PERMANENT marker! I'm just kidding--put down the marker tilde! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Get what I'm saying though? Maybe it's not a problem setting boundaries, maybe it's what YOU will do if the boundary is crossed? If throwing h out isn't comfortable for you, then find what is, ok?

About how long to do this:

As long as YOU can and for as long as YOU want to mattie. Would you agree that you like the changes in YOU that have happened since beginning recovery? Whether h also recovers and whether the marriage survives or not, those changes are yours to keep--yep, you get to KEEP THEM!! So, I think the answer to that question is--for as long as you can and for as long as you want to. You can't know exactly "how long" now, but when time's up you will know--you will just know.

I think about you often ~ and pray for you (almost) daily. You continue to be an inspiration to me for personal growth in the midst of trials and agony.

Take care ~
(I'll try to find that post about boundaries now)

Interrupting mattie's thread for a quick one to nikko......

Hi nikko! I haven't run into you and I've been curious--did the secret recipe pumpkin pie do ok or was it a bust??

Take care nikko and I hope to run into you sometime!

it sold everytime i made it---thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

good to her from you---how are ya!! never see you in chat--we should go to chat tonight...you game??

nikko

I do think is time you rock both your worlds. I totally understand you, and I admire your for your strenght in all this time. See? I'm only 3 weeks into this and I'm frustrated, and wanting to give up. I don't want to imagine what you been through. Have faith nikko, you don't know if your M can survive this or not, but you have survived this. You have goten better and you will continue your journey. I will keep praying for you and your family (Max included <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), hehe maybe I will need his "services" one day.

when I saw this

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but these are all his choices. i cant do this forever....ive looked at it all so many different ways. i cant pretent its all ok. its not. im not happy and he doesnt hear my cries. he choses to be where he is. he choses to stay there. ive given him the gift he never gave me....a chance to change it before i rip his heart out and change his life/world forever. he hasnt taken it.

i can do no more except end my own suffering and move on.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It ripped my heart, and I can't really understand how your H can let you go, or doesn't see things yet. Anyway, I also understand it takes... different aproaches and things for us to give it up or to see again.
When I was asked a while ago, if I didn't had my LB broken yet, and what it would take. I said no, and I don't know. Now I do. All it takes is time. Keep doing the same things all over again, is not going to work. At least for me. I didn't knew the concept before comming here and it took me a long while to really understand it. I guess you have reached your time. And to some degree that is good nikko. Keep the faith, you don't know what that would bring you, and also if we knew it wouldn't be fun, right? Even with all the pain and hurt involved, you can't stop living what you have to live, but you can try to make those changes to be better.
I admire you for this, because we do tend to get into the comfort zone, even if it's not comfortable enough, and for you to see it, after so long, it takes a lot of courage.

Have good luck and always try to learn new things my friend, it will be worth it.

LovingBoundaries!!

Good to hear from you! How is it going? Haven't heard from you in a long time. I hope things are...ok??? hehe this times I'm afraid to ask LOL, I miss chatting with you also!

Anyway, for someone who can't give what she don't have, I think you have gave me good advice.

Yes I realize I was making this my thread and at to some degree I didn't wanted to loose the story, because I don't do a journal or anything is like MB has been it for the last year. Your point is very valid, and I'm not only going to take it, but I'm also changing boards.

Even if it doesn't feel like recovery, we are doing some things to reach that goal, so I don't know the answer yet, but I'm going there to struggle with the people there towards that goal, and start different threads when something arises <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> thanks for the advice.

About the boundaries issue, I have know for about... hummm 4 months what are those about, and I do understand is not about him, but about me and how I act. Is just this will be a new learning curve to me, and I been working (I think) in soo many that were in crisis, that the boundaries issue was not "that important" to fix, yeah right. Anyway, I'll start with those, and I'll ask my counselor about it, because frankly I don't have a clue, in the meantime, I'll have that PERMANENT marker ready! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> great tip!

About the how long, I have not waited all this time just to give up yet. There were times I was more ready to give up than now, and those times can come back. But today, I'm not feeling like it now. Like you said and like I know, time will tell, besides I have not earned my D yet. I still think we got much to give, and to try before that. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe not, but only time and a lot of hard work will tell me that.

About changes, I'm making them permanent, of course I slip in some LB's sometimes, old habits die hard, but I will keep trying, I already know they are making me a better person and in the future, they will make me more happy, and that is one of the goals for me. Also, I would like to always listen and learn, sometimes I feel I have been stuck my whole life, and well someway and somehow, God have opened my eyes for me to live and learn new things, and I see that as a blessing.

I also think about you, and a lot of the old ladies who shared time with me on the chat. I always pray for you, and I will be always thankful to each one of you, even if some don't know it. I don't know what I would have done, or what would be of me if it wasn't for MB. I guess the feeling is shared around here.

About me being an inspiration well thank you. I don't have a clue how I managed that, but it's good to hear. You can always PM me through the MB ladies board and I'll answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ok?

Take good care, and wishing you the best!!!

mattie