I am the WS (the wife), but my H and I have been working very hard to stay together, & are very much in love. We have gone on w/our lives and are addressing the problems w/our marriage that led to the affair. But the other man's wife, who found out about 4 months ago (about 2 months after my husband found out) recently threw their bedspread onto our lawn, w/a very vicious note and sent me a terrible email. I feel she was irrational at the time and just reacted, perhaps, to just finding out that things occurred on her bed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My parents, who know about all of this, think she's losing it and are concerned for my safety. Any thoughts here?

josey,

Why don't you take this opportunity to ammend her ?. I hope you are sorry on what you have done to their M & have NC with OM. Tell her so and appologize to her and let her know what you could do to help her out to patch her own M. Assure her that you don't want OM and not a threat to their M now. Answer all her questions thruthfully. Let her know that M could survive A, guide her to this site.

-rh-

I'm not sure actually contacting her is a good idea, esp right now. As for what happened, I AM deeply sorry for what I and the OM did to my M and her M. There is NC w/OM (I'm just learning these shortened terms, hope it makes sense!) at all. And, my husband and I are closer than ever.

I also think you may wish to consider sending an apology note as well. How do you think you would have reacted if you just found out that your husband brought his married lover to your home and had sex with her in your bed? I would think that this is the ultimate in betrayal because your home and your marital bed should be your one place where you should feel safe. I don't know your situation but don't you think going to a hotel would have been a lot better that doing this in the OM and his wife's bed? How did you really expect her to react? How would you have reacted? This was the ultimate in disdain for their marriage and you must have known what you were doing by doing this in his home and in her bed.

I will consider an apology, if my H agrees to it. We have been trying to avoid any contact w/their family. I do realize that what I did to her and her family was awful & I did expect she'd be hurt and furious, at the least. I guess what I was trying to ask is if anyone else had seen this sort of backlash and how they dealt w/it.
I think the apology note is a good idea; my H is afraid it'll set her off even more. What do you guys think?

I will consider an apology, if my H agrees to it. We have been trying to avoid any contact w/their family. I do realize that what I did to her and her family was awful & I did expect she'd be hurt and furious, at the least. I guess what I was trying to ask is if anyone else had seen this sort of backlash and how they dealt w/it. I am not defending my actions nor am I trying to villianize her.
I think the apology note is a good idea; my H is afraid it'll set her off even more. What do you guys think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by josey:
<strong>I think the apology note is a good idea; my H is afraid it'll set her off even more. What do you guys think? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have the burden to ask for forgiveness and it is up to her to react to it.

-rh-

Should I do it right away? Or wait a few days? Which would be easier on her? She left the note and the bedspread on my lawn on Friday.

I would have put my bedspread on your lawn too, if this happened to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Only I would have lit it on fire !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, I think her irrational behavior is about par for someone who's own bed was used to betray her....

My H "did" OW in his truck. I made him sell it, I could not sit in that truck without feeling explosions of hurt in my chest.

This act of outrage does not make OM's wife crazy or dangerous .... time will pass and her outrage will not feel as fresh.

Apologize without making any excuses. There is no excuse for what you did on her bed with her husband, so make a simple and gracious apology.

Best of luck to you and your H in your recovery.

Pep

Thank you so much, to all who replied. Please, please understand that I KNOW I was so wrong. If/when I send her an apology note, I will not make excuses. There are none. I have asked God, my husband, and our families for forgiveness. Those matter the most to me. I do hope she can find healing, too, and I will pray for that for her.
Thanks again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by josey:
<strong> I feel she was irrational at the time and just reacted, perhaps, to just finding out that things occurred on her bed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My parents, who know about all of this, think she's losing it and are concerned for my safety. Any thoughts here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I imagine she is losing it. Most people do tend to lose it a bit when they experience the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. What did you expect, a medal?

You have done a horrible thing to this woman and I would suggest sending her a letter of apology to try and make amends for the damage you have caused.

edited to add: I just read further down that you have agreed to apologize to her and I commend you for doing it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Again, I am NOT proud of what I did. Please understand that. No, I did not expect a medal, for God's sake! Yikes! I just wanted some help or advice from people who may have some insight...I have never gone through this sort of thing before, nor have I ever done anything so terrible.

josey:

You are going 2 do fine. That's my prediction! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

best,
-ol' 2long

I tell you what, 2long, I needed to hear that! My husband has forgiven me, as I said, and we have been so happy--this was a serious bump in the road to recovery for me, but, amazingly, he's handling it very well, and being very supportive and protective of me and my feelings. I think you're right--we'll be fine. Thanks so much!

josey, might I suggest posting the letter here before you send it so we can give you some feedback? We will be able to recognize any pitfalls in the letter and help you out with it.

I would suggest expressing your deep remorse, of course, but also that you understand how very important and special SHE is to her H. Something to that effect will go a LONG way in healing the damage because she is probably seething with jealous hatred of you.

One thing that caused me to totally forgive the OW in my life was A) her sincere apology and B) her willingness to answer any question I had.

josey,

I agree with just about everyone else, compose and send her a letter of apology. BUT, before you do, set and reflect on a few things. One, is that she has only had 4 months to deal with this. You are new here, so I would like to suggest that you read the posts here from the betrayed spouses (BS). They don't heal in 4 months, it is more like a year to two years.

I would like to suggest to you that while your H is doing his very best, he has not healed. You may well see the anger at about 6 months, as your marriage becomes more stable and he doesn't feel he has to be on his "best behavior". You may not.

But, Josey make no mistake the pain and the wound will be there for a long time. Take the time in your day to reflect on this and see if you can find within yourself the balm that will ease your H's pain and help heal the wounds, while lessening the scars.

Now, as you think about your H, think about your OM's W. What would help her? What would you like to hear if your world had been turned upside down? How would you like to hear it?? Face to face, in a letter, how? Then talk to your H more about his pain and his wound. Then reflect some more.

Josey, this may be the second most important letter you write, after the no contact letter you sent OM. You have the ability to help this woman with a well thought out apology and response.

Now I am a guy, so for me, I would like it short and sincere.

"I am deeply sorry for what I have done.
I will never be with your spouse again in any form.
If I could do it again, I would not have done it, and hurt you so much.
I am humbled and humiliated by what I have done.

Thank you for hearing me out."

Now, I KNOW women prefer things a bit more flowery, perhaps with a touch more feeling in it. I am sure the ladies here will have comments and suggestion.

But, one thing must be true. Whatever you say must come from your heart, your gut, and your seeing what you have done. You must mean every word and then live by your word. If you do not do that, then don't waste this ladies time.

So my first recommendation is to write the letter.
My second is to reflect deeply on these events.
My third is talk with your H.
My last is write from your heart, and mean what you write.

I wish you and your H the best.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by josey:
I just wanted some help or advice from people who may have some insight...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You never did anything this terrible before in your entire life!!! Yes, I believe you. I also believe you will never do anything like this ever again!

OM's wife has never done anything so dumb and irrational in her life ever before either (I'll bet this is way out of her character too) Here's my (so called) insight ...

her outrageous act was a right of passage....

a symbolic way of reclaiming what she lost ...

she was attempting to empower herself, because she felt completely stripped of her power....

she felt violated by her husband....

she felt her own bedroom had been violated .....

and she had no power what-so-ever to make that truth go away....

so she made the bedding into a symbolic act ....

and she took control....

you and her H attempted to hijack her very private personal space....

and in her crazy outrage....

in her attempt to feel less powerless ....

she became a crazy lady.....

and she did what she would never do under normal circumstances....

You have taken responsibility for what you did ....

She is showing you a small peek into the mental anguish she suffers....

Do not avert your eyes.....

The gesture she made on your lawn is a part of your consequences....

She feels crazy, powerless, vulnerable, and violated .... and that combination of emotional soup makes even sane people act insane....

She's not going to hurt you..... not in any real way.... your parents are incorrect.....

She has placed on your lawn part of what you stole from her .... it's yours now....

There is no dignity for her after she dumps her bedding on your lawn ....

A confused open wound feels no dignity ....

You are only seeing one tenth of one percent of her pain ....

her H will see only some of her pain ....

she will never be the same ....

she might become stronger and wiser....

but her innocence is forever lost .....

If your affair had taken place in your bed .... what would your husband see in his imagination whenever he climbed into that bed at night????

Where would your H lay his head to rest in peace?

Your marriage recovery is going to be a thousand times easier than theirs. There is no more "holy ground" in their bed.

Do not be afraid. She is using symbolism to make a point. She is not going to hurt you.... not in any real way...

God Bless you and your marriage.

Pep

Amen Pep and JL ... Amen.

My H and I have kept a constant dialogue going since this all came out. In fact, I ask if he's ok so much that he has starting teasing me about it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But it's important---we've kept our feelings open, and I've encouraged him to express himself to me, whether in anger, grief, or sadness. We talk all the time, thank God! His mom and my mom also give us each outlets. We are also seeing a MC; she's been great.

As for the letter, I will post my rough draft here first, as suggeseted. (I appreciate this SO much.)

I also have thought of calling her to apologize. What do you think?

She has also had affairs; she had 2 of them in her previous marriage. I am hoping and praying that somehow this will help her understand why this happened (altho I know it won't help with the bed situation...). I also thought of recommending this website to her, and the books that I've read as well, the ones that helped.

Thanks again!!

Josey,

Don't get off point. Don't try to educate her, or even mention her affairs. That is for she and her H to deal with. What you need to do is apologize. While the phone may work, somehow a letter is more concrete. In my mind, it is better than email, phone, and sometimes even face to face.

Just my opinion.

God Bless,

JL