Josey - listen to Pepperband, read again what she says. She has an amazing ability to clearly, succinctly express what's in the hearts and minds of the betrayed spouse. As Pep said in her earlier post, my H and his A partner also "did" each other in his vehicle (and her vehicle), regularly and frequently. That vehicle is now gone - it was gone before I knew about its second most common use. I am disgusted when I think that he also used this vehicle for our family vacations and transporting our children. It wasn't our bed, but our private, personal space was still violated, and I'm relieved that reminder is now gone.
Josey, I can only imagine the pain this women experiences every time she enters her home, let alone her bedroom. I'm sure you can imagine that as well. You've received far better advice from those more knowledgeable than I.

[QUOTE]

Originally posted by josey:


My H and I have kept a constant dialogue going since this all came out. In fact, I ask if he's ok so much that he has starting teasing me about it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But it's important---we've kept our feelings open, and I've encouraged him to express himself to me, whether in anger, grief, or sadness. We talk all the time, thank God! His mom and my mom also give us each outlets. We are also seeing a MC; she's been great.

As for the letter, I will post my rough draft here first, as suggeseted. (I appreciate this SO much.)

I also have thought of calling her to apologize. What do you think?

Only if you are open to her calling you back. I think this is a bad idea. If you feel free to call her .... she may interpret this as an open invitation for her to call you and vent whenever she feels so much anger she cannot breathe.

I think in writing is better, but that's just my opinion.

She has also had affairs; she had 2 of them in her previous marriage.

So what? How does that help?

I am hoping and praying that somehow this will help her understand why this happened (altho I know it won't help with the bed situation...).

Why DID this happen? Do YOU understand why you did this? I have not read anything you've written as of yet that indicates YOU understand "why" you did what you did ....

I think you'd be better off attempting to answer YOUR own riddle, and leave her to answer her own "why".


I also thought of recommending this website to her, and the books that I've read as well, the ones that helped.

So, you'd like to help her out now, by showing her the error of her ways? I don't understand what you're saying here. In what spirit of remorse would you consider educating her your business?

The pain she feels will not be erased by any book.

I think a simple written apology is your best bet.

You might appear smug and condescending if you try to appear "helping" .... showing her the way she can repair the sanctity of her marriage.

Just apologize.

God bless you and your husband in your recovery.

Pep

This is mostly in reply to Pep's responses:

If I gave her the info from the website &/or the books, it would not be, at least to me, because I feel like I know how to fix her marriage. It would be only because those things honestly helped me, and I honestly hope they could help her. That's it--no moral superiority from me!

As for her affairs, no--I will NOT mention those to her in any way. I was only venting my own feelings in that post. Wondering if it might help her to understand why affairs happen in general, that's all.

As to why my affair happened, yes, I pretty much know why. I grew up w/a father who loved me but couldn't show it, hence I felt well-rounded and happy overall and yet deeply insecure. Right before I got M, I became bulimic. That lasted only about 6 months, w/the help of an IC who was very good. I realized in my counseling that I had married a man like my father, one who loved me deeply but didn't show it, PLUS was also gone coaching football, then working basketball games, then coaching baseball. I felt isolated from him most of the time, plus still deeply insecure. That feeling lasted for the first 3 yrs of our M, then I guess I opened up to this OM (who is 20 yrs older than me--hm, sounds like josey looking for a father figure, eh??) and the A began.

Since the A, my H and I have worked to better understand each other, and worked SO hard to find ways to express our love. He pulled me in so close to him right after he found out, and smothered me w/affection, and I was afraid that would all fade over time, but we have, so far, stabilized to an everyday level of affection that leaves us both very satisfied. We are both very intelligent people, who manage to understand our own feelings and channel them where we want.

I agree that a letter is the best thing; I've always felt better after writing. That is what I plan to do. A concerned friend mentioned that she is worried that this woman will not have my best interests at heart, for obvious reasons, and that a letter to her, w/my name on it, leaves me vulnerable to public humiliation (altho I've had some of that already & survived--I changed jobs at the last minute to teach where my husband teaches, taking a huge paycut and teaching out of my subject area; this caused talk--plus lots of people heard about the A, I guess). Any thoughts here? I worry about public humiliation only because my in-laws live here, my father-in-law is in a head position at his church, and my sister-in-law and her kids live here as well. I myself can hack it, if it happens.

Again, thank you all so much!!!

I agree with apology letter, and NOT calling (but if she calls you, be gaurdedly honest with her and your H present for the call).

re the letter, I concur with keeping it a simple statement of remorse, understanding of her upset, and a statement affirming NC.

However, I am not so sure I agree she is no threat. Any irrational confrontational behaviour is worthy of being considered dangerous, and I would take security precautions for the time being. I would also be very careful in the letter to be distant and unemotional, you do not want to start a relationship/dialog with this woman, even if it is in her eyes only. I would also be careful to not appear weak. She had no business doing what she did, it was an aggressive act...while understandable, and forgiveable, you need to make it clear (in tone, and choice of words) that she is getting a pass...this time. That is a hard needle to thread, but IMO is important. Good luck.

sufdb, since most of the people I love in my life, and trust the most, agree with you wholeheartedly, I am going to take your advice, to the letter. I will write her but I will sit on it for now, and pray about it, and wait a while to send it. Thanks.