Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
I'm feeling really down today and I am sick and tired of feeling this way. One year ago today my wife met this man. Feb. the 14th would mark the first time they had sex. She moved out July 30, 2003. One would think that I would be starting to get over it, but I am not. I do not think I will EVER get over the things she has said to me, done to me, the way she has disregarded our family, our children and continues to do so.

In reading SA, I was amazed to find out that the WS oftentimes does not have remorse when they return, but rather seeks to blame their waywardness on the BS. If my wife were to come back (and I seriously doubt she will) I would be in shock if she came with this attitude. I just cannot believe that she has left our home to be with another man! That is truly beyond me.

And oh, I think I am going to file for sole custody and child support sometime this week. I do not want to risk her taking the advice of someone and trying to take our children away from me. I have been going back and forth on this for sometime now. I will not file for divorce, but just to protect the children, I will file for sole custody and child support. I am sure this will be a LB, but it is for the best.

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 401
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 401
Solon,

Hang in there. You've got people here who know your pain. Whose to say that you're supposed to be over this. Dr. Phil says that time does not heal all wounds, love does. When you finally let go of the anger and resentment that you feel towards your wife's actions, you're let go of the hurt.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
Hi solon,

I'm sorry you are feeling down today.I'm not doing so hot either.It just never seems to end,this nightmare we all are living,and I too keep thinking about how my WH has caused such unspeakable pain and damage to me,our marriage,children and families and STILL has not stopped it.

Although my WH has said a few times how he feels regret sometimes and that he is making a huge mistake and how he wished it never happened(in the beginning he said this)is wasn't enough to make him stop the A.I still don't know why he is willing to give up everything for the homewrecker(HW).

I do not need to file just yet myself because so far WH has agreed to pay all our expenses as per usual and hasn't changed that promise but if he ever did try to do something like not send money than I would file too,just for protection.In my case,WH is in another state working so I have the kids and house to myself,so to speak.

I know today is a trigger for you, a big one,so I hope you can do something nice for yourself or just rest in bed or on the couch with some tea or coffee and maybe watch a movie that you like.I have found that when I am really down that all I can do is rest in bed or on the couch with lots of blankets and some hot tea until the painful feelings pass,at least enough so that I can get up and do other things.

We're with you so keep posting if it helps.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
thanks October and Gotobe. I hope I make it through all of this. It's just hard to accept.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 206
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 206
Dear Solon.
I am sitting here crying as I read your post and the replies you received.

It may not mean much to you coming from me, an unfaithful wife, but I have been reading your posts for as long as I have been here and you are absolutely a wonderful man; I like you!

Since my husband does not express his heartache, I read your words and know that he is feeling the way you do, it just breaks my heart.
I am soooo sorry for the hurt us WS's, in our obsessive selfishness, cause our mates.

Thankfully, I did not go as far as your wife and leave my husband.
I could have, the feelings for the OM were that great but I knew in my heart that I could never be happy if I caused unhappiness to my family; it would have been far too high of a price to pay.

I can't help but feel your wife is dealing with these same thoughts.
How can she be TRULY happy, knowing she has caused you and your children sooo much pain?

Hang in there, Solon.
You are a GEM; a prince of a man.
Sincerely and with caring, Sarah

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
Thank you, Sarie.

My hope is that one day my wife will come to where you are now, and feel sorry for the pain she has caused the family. But you know, if she were to come back with the only slightest bit of regret or sorrow in her eyes I would not even mention all the pain she caused. I would just be so happy and relieved that our family was together again...that we can now raise our children as husband and wife/daddy and mommy. Talking about it I think would come later, but if she were to come home tonight...I can't even imagine when I would bring all of this up. I would just make a point to meet all of her needs.

But thank you for being who you are. Thank yuou for posting. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, my wife will turn from her affair.

Thank you.

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 206
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 206
Dear Solon.
Bless your kind and forgiving heart.

Maybe what you just said, explains a little of where my husband is; he just is happy I didn't leave him and he wants to forgive, not talk anymore about it and move on.
Like what he wrote about not looking back because we are not going that way!

Solon, I just can't help but believe that some day your wife will realize what a wonderful man she is married to.

I feel honored to know you.
I am weeping again.

For me, when people are kind, it just breaks my heart and makes me feel so ashamed of what I have done.
I think harsh words maybe make me defensive.

Love, Sarah

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Solon:

I hope that you don't forget that telling your W how you feel, should she re2rn, is NOT a LB. It is being honest. I would probably do the same thing in your shoes, though. Take her back and THEN work on trying 2 break the ice.

Sarie, the trouble with never being "harsh" is that "sweetness and light" doesn't encourage people 2 change all that much. These si2ations are not sweet, nor are they light. They are harsh. People are being very cruelly hurt, whether the one having the A is aware of it or not, whether the BS is able or willing 2 talk about it or not.

Like I said on another thread, I'm harsh and judgemental about poor behavior. I do not judge people.

best,
-ol' 2long

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2ble post

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
As bad as it feels, don't give up hope! Think of it as a sickness, an addiction, that your WW has.

My marriage is truly in RECOVERY. My FWH thought he was in love with the OW, thought he hated me, was going to start all over with her and now is extremely repentant. His A lasted 2 or more years. It can happen for you if it happened for me and my situation seemed truly hopeless this time last year. I'm praying that it will.

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
D
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 384
Thanks for the support, Mimi. I really appreciate it.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 13
W
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 13
Mimi,

Is your story in one post anywhere. Your situation sounds similar to mine and I would like to read more about your situation.

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Wannabe:

I have a zillion posts and huge threads on the forum.

I think you can search using my screen name or member number by clicking SEARCH.

If you want to ask me questions, I guess start a thread. I want to help you in any way that I possibly can.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
This is a old post that might help you:


I can finally say that I wholeheartedly consider myself to have a MB Success Story. My marriage is better than it has ever been. So even if I only live to the end of this day I can thankfully say that I have spent some of the best times ever with my FWH in the past few weeks. I can say that I love him with all my heart and that he also loves me. This is not just a feeling. He keeps demonstrating his love to me, daily and hourly. It seems like a miracle but it took hard work. It continues to take hard work. PLAN A FOR LIFE!

I am so appreciative for the help I got on this forum. I wish I can give back at least some of the assistance that I have gotten here. I often do not feel adequate to do so. However, I hope any of this information that I can provide about my situation can help someone.

First, MY STORY , for those who are not familiar with it. My D-Day was one year ago. I found my FWH in a hotel with the OW. He stayed home for about 6 weeks after that all the while planning his move into a condo. During that 6 weeks, I did MY PLANa.k.a. PLAN A with coaching from Steve Harley, Melody Lane and Worthatry. It was a struggle. FWH picked fignts with me, continued to spend the weekend with the OW,etc. It was awful. I hate to recall that time at this point. However, I persevered.

When he decided to move out, I responded with the Dobson LOVE MUST BE TOUGH approach but continued with MY PLAN in any of his interactions with me. You see, he was consistently a cake-eater, never really wanting to stop all contact with me. A week after he moved out, I made a mistake of agreeing to see him on the side with him promising to come back home. I've since learned that he was mainly hooked into her, seeing me out of guilt. Also, my PLAN A had worked but he wasn't convinced that my changes were lasting.

He eventually came back home in April, moving in all the furniture from the condo except the bedroom suite, of course. This turned out to be a false reconciliation with him doing the same thing he did with her, maintaining contact with her after moving home. I continued with MY PLAN though throughout this time.

He moved back out in May. At that time, I finally got a legal separation. The legal separation had not been necessary because my FWH had left me assess to the checking account. I would take out the money I needed each month. However, I eventually realized I needed to protect myself legally from him.

With urging from the folks here, I reluctantly went to PLAN B. FWH continued to cake-eat, didn't get the condo furniture back, finally left the condo and moved in with the OW. What a financial waste with him buying that condo which sits empty now by the way.

The turning point was when I sold my house. It sold in a day and I found a new house. FWH knew that I was moving on. He called me that very day, saying "What about us?" He did detective work and found the house that I was purchasing, felt guilty that I was moving down and agreed to make financial arrangements for me to move into a better house that I moved out of, a house that we could live in together, a house that he also liked. This was the TRANSITION STAGE OUT OF PLAN B. He needed the roadmap of how to come home. Mortarman guided me through this! I was in a battle for my marriage.

FWH came home in September after doing a NC letter and a session with Steve Harley. However, he did regain contact with OW about one month later. This was picked up by PEPPERBAND who helped me through this stage. I should have known because WH started picking fights again. He was trying to veer me off of my PLAN A so that I would lovebust. As Steve Harley indicated, I did not fail like he wanted me to!!!

His plan was to leave again on October 15th but he couldn't do it. I said "I love you" to him on his way to work that morning and he said "I love you" back to me. He said that he knew then what his choice had to be. He called the OW on the phone in my presence and told her "I LOVE MY WIFE". What we were doing is wrong. You need to go on with your life. This is the end. CLICK.

Since that time, he has followed all the rules of RECOVERY. He gave me access to even his secret bank accounts. He calls me hourly. He buys me presents. He answers any question that I have about the A even though it evidently pains him. He is tearful each time. We are on the same cell phone account. We spend all of our free time together. Even again this morning he said, "I'm sorry for all this".

WHAT I'VE LEARNED: this may be a repeat of what I have said before:

FOLLOW THE MB PRINCIPLES AS CLOSELY AS POSSIBLE. I am a believer in these principles. My H and I follow them to this day. My H quotes Steve Harley although he only had one session with him. It was necessary for me to do the whole process, including PLAN A, PLAN B and RECOVERY. It may be necessary to do modifications according to your own situation. This was allowed in my counseling with Steve Harley although I know that I had the advantage of his coaching.

TRY TO REALLY BUY AND UNDERSTAND THE ADDICTIVE ASPECTS OF AN AFFAIR. This has been a key in my situation. This was always stressed over and over again to me by Steve Harley. My H was not aware that I had this knowledge but has confirmed this over and over again to me. He even told me yesterday that it was not HER. It could have been any woman that gave him that FEELING OF EUPHORIA. However, he loves ME , the person that I am. He really didn't know HER. They were playing a fantasy game. When he had to deal with her in reality, when he moved in with her, he found out that she was "just like any other woman". Yesterday he called her "basic". He said that they pretended with each other. I still catch him telling me stuff about himself and I will say "I already know that".

IDENTIFY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IN YOUR PLAN AND BY ALL MEANS STICK TO YOUR PLAN. This is in reference to the ENs that you did not meet that created the climate for the A. Plain and simple, I neglected my H. He needed admiration, attention, physical affection, domestic tranquiltiy and sexual fulfillment. I failed him on all of these. I understand now how easily he was tempted by another woman. I am tops in all of these areas now. It was my job as a wife and I did not fulfill it. This is no excuse for him solving his problem by turning to someone else . However, it is important for me to acknowledge and to work on my part. In fact, that's all we can control. This is an important MB principle that must be understood and followed. I remember Steve Harley telling me from the very beginning that your WH can fall in love with you again if : there was love for you in the PAST , if you are acting loving to him in the PRESENT (MY PLAN) and if he believes that he can love you in the FUTURE. The last step took time. He did not believe that MY PLAN would last. It did. Now we love in the present and are planning our future.

Well, enough said for now.

I sometimes think that I need to stop coming to the site because I don't know if I can be helpful. Also, it brings back bad memories for me. However, I want to help others as I have been helped here.

I hope this helps somebody.

[ January 06, 2004, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]

--------------------

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,365 guests, and 74 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5