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[Warning - this post is somewhat graphic regarding sex, so if that bothers you please do not read further!]

MB has been good to me in the past when I've had marriage troubles, so I appreciate anyone taking the time to read and comment with thoughts, questions or suggestions. I'm not sure there IS much that can be said in reply, but... I feel very alone right now, and literally have no one to talk to about this.

Most of the stories I read here have been written by the SO that has been cheated upon. My situation is the opposite - I am the cheater who got caught red-handed. In my case, as I'm sure is becoming more common, there was no physical contact, there was no meeting. This was purely an internet-related thing. I placed a profile on Yahoo and somehow my W found it. The profile was sexually-related, and, worst of all (brace yourself), the profile stated that I was seeking another man for oral sex. I hope that's not too strong for anyone reading, but I just don't know how else to put it. You see, I've always had a masturbation addiction (which I will call "MA" for short), and it always revolves around the same subject - oral. Now some of you may try and argue, but I do not feel in any way that I am gay. Truth be told, I am disgusted with myself after one of my infrequent "MA" sessions involving other men. For the most part, my "MA" revolves around women performing oral, but very infrequently, for whatever reason - even though I know I will be disgusted with myself afterwards - I get turned on by watching/listening to a man pleasuring another man. Just for the "thrill of the forbidden", is the way I have analyzed my reasons. Way back when I was younger (I'm 40 now), my "MA" was more normal - magazines and video tapes and exclusively women. Over the years, it got a bit more risque and raunchy, to the point where I became intrigued by two men having oral sex. I just never saw a big deal about that. I am pretty open-minded, not too much shocks me unless it is painful to a participant, but this obviously shocked my W. There was no intent to meet a guy, my whole intent was to put the profile out there in hopes that someone would see it and want to chat about a common interest and perhaps satisfy my "MA" cravings. Heck, it is just too dangerous to go out meeting strange men for sex. I don't want to acquire some disease or STD. So there has never been any intent to actually "act our" on these fantasies. Still, I DO realize that my "MA" - porn connection is, essentially, cheating. I DO realize how the online profile must have appeared to my W, and I DO feel that I have no recourse here but to slink away from my marriage with my tail between my legs.

My W does in fact want me to move out - she's given me a month to find a place. We have a daughter who is six (from my W's previous marriage), and my W is very protective of her. And we bought a house, which I pay for in full, so there are extenuating circumstances. I need to see a lawyer immediately to try and figure out the legal end. Best case? My W forgives me and we try to regain a sense of normalcy to our lives. I just don't see that happening, truthfully. My W is the strong-headed sort, and VERY protective of her daughter. I have, quite obviously, stepped WAY over a line here. Sometimes I think it would have been much better for me if she had caught me trying to cheat with another woman. Worst case? Well, I suppose this IS the worst case. I can't imagine anything more embarassing than this happening to me. In fact, there ISN'T anything more embarassing. This was my "big dark secret" that I couldn't ever tell to anyone. Recipe for disaster, I know. Disaster just waiting to happen. Secrets and marriage just don't cut it. But how exactly do I tell my W that I occasionally fantasize about another man? I mean, really... Why don't I just cut my own ___ off? (LOL Hey, maybe that's not such a bad idea...) Well, the worst case finally, inevitably, happened, and now I must deal with the consequences.

I would fight to the ends of the earth to keep my marriage and be able to stay with my W and (step)daughter, but somehow I just know that I'm *supposed* to go away now. I have no grounds on which to fight. I don't deserve the privilege of my W relenting and letting me stay. I screwed up big time, and as usual my "MA" has caused me incredible pain (I have other stories in my life related to this same "MA" topic which I won't go into here, similarly embarassing). This was not an intent to physically cheat (although I know MB says it is still cheating), it was merely a way to satisfy my "MA" urges in an admittedly deviant way.

But my W doesn't believe that, she doesn't know what to believe about me anymore, and I cannot blame her one bit. For all she knows, I could be married to her for convenience and be secretly gay. I 'm not, but I've seemingly irreparably harmed my marriage through one thoughtless, purely sexual act.

Thanks for reading, and any questions or comments will be most appreciated. As you may or may not understand, this is not a subject I can discuss AT ALL with my friends, family and coworkers. And therefore, I feel very alone in the world right now. I've made my own prison without bars, and I'm in solitary confinement. What a terrible thing it is, too...

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Wow. I have absolutely no profound advice on this subject, as I have never struggled with any kind of sex addiction. I can't imagine what kind of horrible images are flashing in your wife's mind!

It was very wrong of you to "advertise" yourself for sexual fulfillment online, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are, in fact, a victim of some type of addiction, and were not thinking logically.

I would get some individual counseling right away and join a SexAnon-type support group.

Hopefully you will get some advice (from more experienced MB members than I) on how to deal with this from a marriage standpoint. The only advice I have, off the top of my head, is to address this problem for/within YOURSELF first and foremost.

Best of luck to you... AND your wife.

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I just wanted to say that, based on the suggestion of a post in another thread, I have gone here:

www.understandingsexualaddiction.org

and registered. I anticipate that if anyone knowledgable were to respond to my post here, they would quite obviously tell me that I have a sexual addiction. That site made it painfully obvious to me that I fit the definition to a "T". The good thing is - and stemming from a horrible thing, as is usually the case with me - I do believe I now have the motivation to address these issues within myself and become a much better, more stable person because of it. It may not regain me my marriage, it might be too late for that, but I do realize this is "one step at a time", and the very first step is a personal one - to address and rectify my harmful, shameful, guilt-causing compulsions. (Many thanks for the heads-up on that site, Topie25/Karen!!)

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Someone once commented, "If our fantasies were of interest to others, they wouldn't be fantasies." Oh well, the internet seems to have changed all that.

If I were your W, I'd be freaked out, too. With an affair, it typically takes 6 weeks or so for the betrayed spouse to see reason and recommit. I wish you weren't moving out -- at least not until your wife has a chance to calm down, and you have had a chance to talk this over with a third party. If it's your "big, dark secret," maybe it's good in the long run that it's been outed.

You do need a third party ... how about Cerri? I don't know if she's in town, but given your embarrassment, and your wife's, phone counseling might be best.

Anyone else?

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Thank you culprit - I guess your thoughts were sent to me telepathically while you were typing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My post echoed yours almost word for word. Much obliged for the advice.

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MOWE:

I'm sorry the advice was so feeble. Admittedly, I have no knowledge about this subject whatsoever. I just wanted to acknowledge your post and try to offer some hope.

I do think, and perhaps this is a bit ignorant on my part due to a lack of understanding, that the first step should be getting help for your addiction. You can't repair your marriage or make amends with your wife if you continue to hide your "secret."

I really hope you get some better replies from more experienced (& sophistocated) members.

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myownworst...


Basically when I read your post...the sexual issue isn't what got me to interested in your situation...what got/gets me is your lack of understanding about what commitment and marriage means....

You give the technical information about your fantasy as if it exists and there is nothing you can do about it or nothing that you can control..
and THAT my friend is what I can't buy...
and know this isn't to attack you...or make you feel worse....but to hopefully give you some leverage to take back to your wife and present and a new and changed you...
that is if you want to change...


I just never saw a big deal about that.
Do you see a big deal about it now? NOT the specific act...but the actions and deceipt you engage in to get to the action part...

I am pretty open-minded, not too much shocks me unless it is painful to a participant,

see this is part of picture that I am not clear that even now you understand the effects of your actions...
what does being openminded have to do with seeking others outside of marriage to engage in sexual acts with?
When you took your wedding vows did you openmindedly correct the minister to include different situations that include your belief in openmindedness....

Basically what you are telling your wife is that outside of marraige sex is OK as long as it's not painful...and by painful I assume you mean physical pain only..emotional pain does not apply?

Do you see the wrongness of your actions regardless of the specific act...and have you approached your wife about what and IF you have....(cause it's not clear you have learned how much this impact and affects marriage vows)... learned about harming the vows...??

you and she are at great risk at getting caught up in the act...when the real issue..the real part is betrayal of the marriage...

have you approached her and this absent the "act" and soley in reference to what you believe a marriage can and should mean...

can you be happy in a marriage...
can you let go of the embarassment and address the acts as they are betrayal in action...

you want this
then plead your case.....
sexual addiction
sexual counseling
sexual this and that...blah blah blah.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

in the end its all the same...
the choosing of selfish fullfillment over the commitment of marital vows and promises....

have you seen the error for what it really is yet??

ark

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>I wish you weren't moving out -- at least not until your wife has a chance to calm down, and you have had a chance to talk this over with a third party. If it's your "big, dark secret," maybe it's good in the long run that it's been outed.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you A.M.Martin - I concur with you on that last point. Despite my guilt and shame, I do retain a sense of the positive in all of this. One of the hallmarks of my life, I have noticed, is that the WORST things that happen to me - as it may seem at the time - often turn out to be the BEST things. In this case, I am now motivated to deal with something I never wanted to deal with - my obsessive compulsive sex addiction - as well as perhaps some other minor O/C related issues, like pot smoking. In fact, I believe that "secondary" pot issue may turn out to be part of the major issue, in that the drug obviously lowers my inhibitions to the point where I started doing "weird" or deviant stuff just for the additional thrill, I guess.

To be honest here, my marriage situation is terrible complex, given the fact that it is a blended family, my wife having been previously married and having a child. We were in counseling a year ago and I don't feel we ever really resolved the issues that we had then. We dealt with them just enough to get us another year down the road, but this incident has obviously blown the whole ship out of the water. But I'm not foolish enough to believe that (a) this one incident caused - by itself - whatever may happen to our marriage, and (b) that correcting my own sex addiction problem is going to solve the other problems we were having. In a nutshell, and at the risk of distorting one particular thing, my W's very own comment to me, over and over, is that "my daughter comes first, and my husband comes second", which I have a big problem with. It affected my ability to be a Daddy to our daughter, in which my W would pretty consistantly undermine my authority the few times I tried to calmly instill some discipline and self-control in her when she was getting too rambunctious. Out counselor also seemed to have a problem with it but my W is very strong-willed, and, dare I say it, thick-headed when it comes to such things as her daughter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We also have financial disagreements that have never been resolved, such as me paying in full for the house - and having no spending money - while my W, who also works and gets a ton of child support, has plenty of free cash every month. A big source of resentment for me.

Anyhow, I digress. I appreciate your reply, and I believe I am going to seek out some counseling for myself. Not sure about the phone counseling, as I think I will feel much more comfortable in a face-to-face setting. As I say, I will feel a certain sense of relief in being able to talk about some of these "deep dark secrets" I may have been withholding all of these years. Best wishes.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong>Do you see the wrongness of your actions regardless of the specific act...and have you approached your wife about what and IF you have....(cause it's not clear you have learned how much this impact and affects marriage vows)... learned about harming the vows...??

in the end its all the same...
the choosing of selfish fullfillment over the commitment of marital vows and promises....

have you seen the error for what it really is yet??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you ark. In re-reading my posts here, I can see where I do appear to not be able to "see the forest for the trees".

Believe me - my very first reaction to my W when she confronted me over this was NOT selfish embarassment over being caught. It was guilt, and it was due to my painfully obvious betrayal of our marriage. I DID realize - many times - that my sex addiction (my "MA" as I called it) was in actuality just a betrayal of my W. But I ignored that, which I suppose is what addicts do. I went to that other site that someone else suggested in another thread, and one of their hallmarks of sex addiction is (paraphrasing) "do you know it's wrong and want to stop but still go ahead and do it?"

I understand what you are pointing out, ark, and I do appreciate it. I need to define "sex addiction" and deal with that issue for myself. The issue between me and my W is most definitely one of betrayal, and I concur that what I have been doing is literally exactly the same as if I were doing it with a real live flesh-and-blood person.

I will be sure to keep your point in mind as I am trying to sift through all the advice and counseling. Thank you.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by My own worst enemy:
<strong>In a nutshell, and at the risk of distorting one particular thing, my W's very own comment to me, over and over, is that "my daughter comes first, and my husband comes second", which I have a big problem with. It affected my ability to be a Daddy to our daughter, in which my W would pretty consistantly undermine my authority... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oooh. This is tricky.

Blood *is* thicker than the ink on your marriage license. Your wife SHOULD be thinking of her daughter FIRST... although I can certainly see how this would make you feel "second fiddle." I think the real problem here, though, is her dismissal of (or outright disrespect for) the boundaries you set for her daughter. Just out of curiousity, have you legally adopted the child? Although, frankly, as an adult and provider, you have every right to establish boundaries for the child you are helping to care for. I was just wondering.

Sorry to have gone off on a tangent there, but that quote struck me because I once heard my father say pretty much the same thing to my mother. I was quite young and very clever, and had one-upped my Mom with a smarta$$ reply. Mom squawked to my Dad about it and he chuckled, saying, "Well... she's right!" My Mom complained that Dad "always" took my side over hers and that he loved me more than her, and his response was pretty much like, "She's my DAUGHTER. You're only my WIFE." Naturally Mom was none too thrilled with this response, and it was completely inappropriate of them BOTH to have such a discussion right in front of me.

But the truth remains: the children always come first.

Again, sorry for the digression!

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I have to strongly disagree - putting the children first in M is courting disaster. It creates problems much like the one here. The day will come when the kids are gone - then whatcha gonna do? Build a strong H/W relationship now and make each other a priority.

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I have to agree with Hurting here. When you put the children first in a marriage, the marriage tends to become the last priority and then after the kids are gone, the marriage falls apart because there wasn't anything to hold it together except the kids. I've seen too many marriages fail after the children are grown because they spent too much time with the children's needs and put each other's last. JMHO.

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hPK:

I respect your opinion though we are obviously in complete disagreement.

The reason I say "kids come first" is because they *are* KIDS! By their very nature they are dependent upon their parents! Granted, that dependency diminishes over time, but they are not really adults themselves until they are out of Mom & Dad's house and living on their own.

Also, I think perhaps I didn't properly expound upon what I perceived as the "real" problem: I don't think it's a mother's love and devotion to her child, I think it's MOWE's wife's emasculating him in front of that child. Clearly Momma has issues here, but I fail to believe that loving your offspring - your own flesh-and-blood, CREATED by you - is that issue.

Does that make any more sense?

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But the truth remains: the children always come first.
As HPK says, that IS courting disaster.
And most marriage experts on marraige/family will tell you this.

If the marriage is a priority, then the kids will get sorted out better by the couple.

But it's not quite as simple as if your spouse wants to go out to dinner and your kids wants to go to baseball, the spouse wins.

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

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S4M:

I really feel like we're threadjacking here; did not mean to start a new topic!

Point taken about the failure of marriages post-kids, but is *every one* or even the *majority* of those divorces really because of THE CHILDREN THEMSELVES? Or is it because the parents had issues that they stifled or ignored "for the sake of" those children? If the parents choose to mask their real problems behind their kids, that is still the ADULT'S CHOICE.

And Chris, I *never* insinuated that the MARRIAGE should not be a priority. What I was trying to say is that MOWE's problem is more the negation of his authority than his wife's passion for her daughter. Like I said, "Clearly Momma has issues."

I am not discounting ANY of your opinions, but I think you've all taken my tangent on a tangent of it's own.

My true point of that post was "the real problem here... is her dismissal of (or outright disrespect for) the boundaries you set for her daughter," with the caveat of "...as an adult and provider, you have every right to establish boundaries for the child you are helping to care for."

Your opinions are noted and respected! I don't wanna hijack someone else's thread, though. Maybe we can just respectfully "agree to disagree" or start a new topic?

Thanx for sharing your thoughts with me!

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UPDATE:

I think I'm simply expressing myself incorrectly.

Of course one's M should be a priority. No dispute there! When I stated my opinion that "kids come first," that may be a result of my own traumatic childhood, where my Mom stayed with my abusive & manipulative Dad for too long... and I have my own "issues" and insecurities from the drama.

Also, I did not say "put the children first IN A MARRIAGE." I should have made this distinction.

Hope that might give you a little more perspective on my thought process.

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Culprit007 ]</small>

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And I did start to put that it may be in certain cases that children may take priority but I didn't want to make it a big deal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .
And Chris, I *never* insinuated that the MARRIAGE should not be a priority. What I was trying to say is that MOWE's problem is more the negation of his authority than his wife's passion for her daughter. Like I said, "Clearly Momma has issues."
Okay. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Once bitten twice shy. Your wife may not be as willing to work on the M if she has already D once. Why go through years of torment...cut her losses now? And yet, the M won't truly work unless you both give in to it and truly comit, which it doesn't look like either of you have.

She seems frightened of being taken advantage of (money)and you having a negative impact on her daughter. Also she fears you leaving her (attraction to male sex, something she can never give you). Fear does not make a good M bedfellow.

But...you have not proven to be accountable and truly committed either.

What if, instead of an MA you had a drug or alcohol addiction, how would the situation be different? Should she ask you to leave? Probably.

Yes, there are issues in the M. What does that have to do with your MA? Not much...you probably came into the M with it. And like any addiction, you will need more and more to keep getting the same effect. It would not have been long before you would have started meeting people, trying out different fantasies.

As far as putting children first...depends on what she means. Putting the child's needs first above her H's? Maybe, in most cases. But sometimes that gets used as an excuse. i.e. if H desires affection, W is lavishing it on children and neglecting the affection towward H. I think there is a balance, and I think all would agree.

When it comes to a step-parents place in discipline though? That is a tough one. Support her rules, but don't demand anything from the child...it's W place to do that. You are a friend, and an adult, a caregiver, and your W's H...that's it.

There are unfairnesses in your M, that's true. But what have you done about them before now. You say she is strong-willed. Have you depended on counselors to do the talking for you? How well do you work together?

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First of all, I do not mind this thread being "hijacked". The discussion is still relevant, even if it did go off on a tangent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong>Once bitten twice shy. Your wife may not be as willing to work on the M if she has already D once. Why go through years of torment...cut her losses now? And yet, the M won't truly work unless you both give in to it and truly comit, which it doesn't look like either of you have.

She seems frightened of being taken advantage of (money)and you having a negative impact on her daughter. Also she fears you leaving her (attraction to male sex, something she can never give you). Fear does not make a good M bedfellow.

But...you have not proven to be accountable and truly committed either.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly, I must concur. I have felt for some time that this marriage was doomed from the start. Not a strong feeling, but the feeling was always there like a shadow in the night. My W never took my last name. She never would allow a discussion of budgeting and finances. Fear, with her, was most definitely a major factor in each and every decision she made.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong>What if, instead of an MA you had a drug or alcohol addiction, how would the situation be different? Should she ask you to leave? Probably.

Yes, there are issues in the M. What does that have to do with your MA? Not much...you probably came into the M with it. And like any addiction, you will need more and more to keep getting the same effect. It would not have been long before you would have started meeting people, trying out different fantasies.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I do have other addictions, most notably to pot smoking, and I do think the various "compulsions" tie themselves together somehow, or rather, they have a common cause. This is what I hope counseling will help me with, to discover why I have had such an addictive personality, and why, during a time of crisis like the one I am in now, do these addictions so easily go away? I know full well, however, from past experiences, that such "disappearing acts" do not last, and that this is not the "true me". Unless I finally take the major step to work through this, I'll just fall back to the same old pattern - or rut - my life has been in for decades.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong>As far as putting children first...depends on what she means. Putting the child's needs first above her H's? Maybe, in most cases. But sometimes that gets used as an excuse. i.e. if H desires affection, W is lavishing it on children and neglecting the affection towward H. I think there is a balance, and I think all would agree.

When it comes to a step-parents place in discipline though? That is a tough one. Support her rules, but don't demand anything from the child...it's W place to do that. You are a friend, and an adult, a caregiver, and your W's H...that's it.

There are unfairnesses in your M, that's true. But what have you done about them before now. You say she is strong-willed. Have you depended on counselors to do the talking for you? How well do you work together?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do, in some aspects, agree with putting our daughter first. After all, isn't that a parent's ultimate responsibility? To ensure a child's safety and foster and environment in which every single thing is done to help the child to learn and grow in a healthy way?

The problem with our situation is, my W never consults me on decisions made regarding "her" daughter, and if I do interject and suggest (not demand, I'm a rather easy-going person, perhaps too easy-going), my suggestions are typically ignored at best, or ridiculed at worst ("don't you dare tell me how to raise my daughter" is a typical mean-spirited response, or, "Ok Doctor Spock" when I try to impart my own child-rearing advice that I've read or learned over the years but which conflicts with her ideas). Believe me, I have been VERY careful to try and "feel out" my place and role in our daughter's life. It has not been easy, as I'm sure it isn't for most stepparents.

I hope you can see and understand that I have tried to be assertive and yet not be overbearing or demanding of my W. My W is a conundrum, however - she is quite strong-willed and speaks her mind freely, but yet when we went to counseling, she shut up like a clam. It basically was ME and the counseler doing all the talking, and it was like pulling teeth to get my W to add anything. We stopped going after about 10 sessions, and despite my offer last night, my W still does not want to go to someone else to try and examine this most recent issue in counseling. As I suspected, I am going to have to do this on my own. I believe in MB-talk I am going to go to a "Plan A/B", and I will begin reading up on that. Right now, I am somewhat consumed with finding an apartment and trying to get through each day without breaking down. This is very hard for all of us - how do we explain this to our daughter, for instance? I'm crying just writing that... While we had a good talk last evening, thankfully, in the end nothing changed between us except that I think my W needs time alone right now, not in a month from now. She is, in a nutshell, disgusted with me, and says she cannot look at me the same way. I cannot blame her in the least, but I don't want to be a martyt either. I am kicking myself over this, am full of pain, grief and sadness, and yet understand that I must pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward with my life. I have a game plan, which is good, and it does not involve any false hope of ever regaining my W's trust or admiration. Quite honestly, I think I completely blew it in one thoughtless act.

But, as my sig implies, I will make the best of this. I told my W last night that I am so sorry that I betrayed her like I did, that I am TEN TIMES as sorry that I betrayed our daughter, and that despite the weight of being so sorry for them both, I still feel a sense of relief that this is finally out in the open so I can deal with it and become the person that I always felt I could be but never felt I was. Thank you for your concern and suggestions, StillHereMakingIt. I do appreciate and value your words.

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Hope you don't mind if I play the other side of this. But your wife reminds me of myself in many ways (probably not the good parts either).

When she says
" </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ("don't you dare tell me how to raise my daughter" is a typical mean-spirited response, or, "Ok Doctor Spock" when I try to impart my own child-rearing advice that I've read or learned over the years but which conflicts with her ideas </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"

This is her mothers guilt speaking. I (like many/most mothers) worry we are doing it wrong and messing our kids up for life. When you give her parenting advice she sees it as criticism. She probably gives herself a hard tie about her parenting skills and you saying something to her is probably overkill in her mind (she's probably hated the way she does things for awhile).

When was the last time you complimented her mothering, and been specific? Does she hear more negative or positive from you?

The addiction is something you will need to win over. Things that are addictive to you will need to be cut out of your life completely.

I hear you wondering if you want your life back...well who would? Would you like your life back if it was better? How can YOU make your part better?

You can work on the addiction. Try AA or SA. Read about LBs and ENs and begin to win your wife back by fulfilling her needs. Ask her what she's afraid of? Begin to work on reassuring her fears. Work on Care, Protection, Time, and Honesty.

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