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Good for you. You're doing just fine. Hang in there!

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lbrad Offline OP
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I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet. It has only been 3 months since D Day

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Ibrad,

You have known for 3 months and the A continues right? Have you stated firmly your feelings about the A and that you love your W? If not, do so.

Then go to plan A for awhile, let her family (parents particularly) what the trouble is and ask for their support in restoring your marriage. Do your very best plan A, because the next step is plan B. It sounds rough and it is, but with a good plan A, plan B is effective.

Why is it effective, it puts the pressure on OM to meet all of her needs all of the time. It saves what remains of your love or at least slows down its loss. It allows you to wait for the A to end. Why would it end? Well, most all of them do end eventually, but it is problematic if you will still want to be there when that happens. So plan B allows you to go longer. It also shows her what she is missing in you.

By the way, staying married because you are 37 and don't want to start over is NOT a good reason to be married. You are still very young. If you marry at 40 and are in good health you have ever reason to expect to have a Golden anniversary. Yup, 50 years of marriage after 40. So don't panic here OK?

Do a good plan A, and then be ready to go to plan B. That is the plan and I would strongly urge you to stick to it, prepare for it, and do what is necessary when it is time.

You will feel sort of like a doormat during Plan A, but you can and should set your boundaries with your W. Express them clearly, without anger, and consisely. Then stick to them. If she really violates them continually, you should be heading for plan B.

Please keep reading and posting, you can do this and no matter how it works out you will be able to look yourself in the mirror.

God Bless,

JL

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lbrad Offline OP
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I'm kinda new here.

Can someone explain Plan A & Plan B to me????

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Ibrad,

You can find them in the Just Found Out section under Onegoing's thread. I have copied the thread here for you Onegoing

Just click on this and you will find alot of information.

God Bless,

JL

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Should I let the Affair Continue?
You can stop it?

However, she does not want to stop seeing this man & has asked if I would allow them to continue their relationship. I don't want her to continue but I told her I would keep an open mind.
Why would you lie to her? You don't want it to continue. Tell her that.

I am very torn by this question
Again, why are you confused?

I should agree to allowing her to continue.
You should not agree to it but you aren't gonna do much about stopping it.

Can someone explain Plan A & Plan B to me????
Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Also read the links below.

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I must say, this is the strangest case I have seen. Why do you want to allow her continue having an affair? and why are you willing to accept this situation? It shows serious character flaws in both of you. What is so open-minded about it? You are still young. How long would you be able to live like that and knowing that an old guy is pleasing her better than you (Aghhhhh!!). I just cannot believe what I am reading. Sorry for the 2x4, but it just makes my blood boil to see these type of situations.
Listen what others are telling you. You must inform the OM's wife. She needs to know. Also, if your wife is willing to continue, the next step is to inform her family. She is not protecting you, why should you protect her? Wake up and smell the coffee.

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lbrad Offline OP
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I want to start Plan A, but dont know where to begin.

Any suggestions?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lbrad:
<strong> I want to start Plan A, but dont know where to begin.

Any suggestions? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As stated above, read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley.
Also read the links below.

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lbrad Offline OP
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I assume Plan A requires some cooperate from the WS. At this point my WW is totally nonresponsive. If we are going to fix this thing we need to talk. Any ideas on how I can get her to open up ?

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assume Plan A requires some cooperate from the WS.
No, that is incorrect.

At this point my WW is totally nonresponsive.
This is "normal".

Any ideas on how I can get her to open up?
Don't press the issue (or any issue).

Stop all lovebusters - Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty.

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Here, a quickie version of Plan A, in order of importance:

1. "Hon, I love you. This affair is hurting me badly. I want you to end it." (Once per day. Every single gosh darned day. And then change the subject.)

2. Talk to or write to the five most influential people in your wife's life. Here is the text of your conversation/letter:

"My wife is having an affair with <insert name of person>. I know this because <insert how you know>. I love her and I want to do whatever it takes to heal my marriage and keep my family together. Please, encourage her to permanently end the affair and to recommit to our marriage."

Make sure that you remain respectful and loving toward your wife while you make clear that this is hurting you badly.

3. Keep your household functioning. Cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, etc. Make sure that that level of the relationship isn't also falling apart.

4. Keep your anger and your opinions to yourself. Sure, "I think you and he are both idiots!" is probably high on your list of things to think right now. Don't say it, though, nor anything like it. ANY sentence that starts with "You..." is likely to be judgmental. Stick with sentences that start with "I..." and things like "Please pass the salt."

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

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lbrad Offline OP
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Thanks

But I am reluctant to tell her friends & family. I think this will just drive her further away from me & make it harder to come around. I do reminder often though about what pain I am going through. We are both in IC. But it takes so darn long.

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Of course it'll piss her off. SHE WILL GET OVER IT.

The anger she expresses will be white-hot and she'll call you all kinds of horrible names because you're "invading her privacy."

Trust me on this one. SHE WILL GET OVER IT. Every moment of alleged calm right now is damaging to your marriage. Kinda the way every moment between when you find that lump and when you finally go to the doctor is dangerous.

And no, I'm not overstating things.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lbrad:
<strong>I am reluctant to tell her friends & family. I think this will just drive her further away from me & make it harder to come around.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This indicates to me that you have not studied the info others have recommended here, otherwise you would know why you shouldn't be reluctant, but rather, should have already told them.

You have to get off your butt, stick your neck out, and do some work. We cannot do it for you and we will not spoon feed you.

I personally will not post to you again unless I detect evidence that you've at least read the material others have recommended.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
<strong>Every moment of alleged calm right now is damaging to your marriage. Kinda the way every moment between when you find that lump and when you finally go to the doctor is dangerous.

And no, I'm not overstating things. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's true. This is NOT overstating the case.

It is very painful going through this. SOmeone on these boards once said, "Recovering your M is NOT for the weak-kneed...." and it's true.

Do you have the CAJONES for this, or don't you?

DO WHAT THE OTHERS HAVE SAID. It's vitally important that you follow the Concepts as outlined here.

1 - YOU MUST "OUT" THE AFFAIR.

2 - YOU MUST PLAN A (Find out what her EN's are and meet them as much as possible)

3 - YOU MUST NOT BE AFRAID TO DO THIS.
As has been stated, it's very similar to going in for surgery.....unless the LUMP is CUT OUT of you, YOU WILL DIE. Yes, it's painful, but it's your only viable option.

God Bless,

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I just exposed affair to my WW family last week. My WW was on vacation with OM in Porto Rico so she didn't get to talk to her mother till monday. Needless to say my WW called me Monday morning extreemly pissed off, played the fog game with me by saying things like "You made my mother sick by telling her. and This is just between you and I" She's very foggy right now but I don't regret what I did she gets to live in her fake reality with no repurcussions. Since I have exposed the affair now she has to live with reality. I'm not sure how this is going to go my WW is going to come over sometime this week to either talk or just pick up her mail. One of my responses to my WW was if you are so in love with OM (yuck) why shouldn't everyone know. I know this is a LB but after exposure I didn't think it mattered. I will let you know how my saga goes Ibrad. I'm not a expert but everyone here told me to expose the affair short of putting up a bilboard.

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lbrad Offline OP
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This has to be the strongest reaction I've seen yet from folks on this board. I did not realize that exposing the A to others was so important. I know that it probably is a LB, but so is what she is doing to me. GRRRRRR !!!!

THIS WILL BE THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO IN MY M.

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BEFORE you expose the affair (or really do anything) you NEED to read "Surviving An Affair" and all the Concepts on this website.

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Yes you have to do this tactfully not in anger. I told my MIL that my WW is having an affair but I told her I still love your daughter very much. Also read the book Surviving an Affair really helped me.

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

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