Last night H didn't come to bed with me right away. I could tell he was really preoccupied, antsy, etc. At about 11:30 he came upstairs to turn off the light so I could sleep. He kissed me goodnight, and told me he was getting his cell phone so if it rang it wouldn't wake me. He was on call. Of course I laid in bed wondering if that was just a ploy to call her. I went downstairs and asked him, and he said he wasn't going to call her. He was watching TV.

He woke up again in the middle of the night crying because he misses her. Once again I comforted her. We ended up having sex, not making love. I can't do it with him yet knowing how regularly they were making love. Frankly I don't think he wants to make love with me either. Afterwards we held each other and fell asleep.

First thing this morning he told me his feelings for her are not diminishing. His withdrawal is not getting any better. He still thinks about her constantly. I told him given the degree of their involvement it's going to take time.

I held myself together until he went to work and then just started to cry, which I'm doing now. I don't think I can take much more of this. The pain I feel is enormous. It has been 4 weeks since he's seen her, and if anything I think things are worse. There really aren't any angry outbursts. Very little DJs. I am supporting him out the wazoo, and he knows it. But I am dying inside. When the A was first revolved, and he fired her, he seemed to know he wanted to be with me and preserve our family. Now all he is doing is obsessing about her.

You all said I need to begin recovering for myself. This is taking such an emotional toll on me I'm having difficulty getting things done, like just paying the bills. I feel like I can't travel anywhere because H is so screwed up now he'd probably see her. I'm invited to a lady's get together this weekend and I don't even want to go because of how "F"ed up I feel right now. I feel like I'm in prison now. Like it would be easier to just cut my losses and let H be with the woman he loves. The man doesn't love me. I feel like I have to accept that reality and move on. I don't feel any hope that his feelings are going to miraculously turn around. He's stuck in his in-love fantasy world, and I can't compare to what he had. I feel like I'm doing everything I can do, but his heart is closed to me.

Did any of you go through withdrawal this severe? I'm asking BSs and WSs alike. Do you think there is hope for us? How can I keep my sanity through this? How do I stay positive when I can't even believe these MB concepts can work? I feel like he got in too deep with her. I don't even remember what we had together. Maybe our marriage wasn't that great and he knows that now.

HELLLLLPPPPP!!!!!I'm tired of feeling this bad.CV

CV,
Try to focus on the positives in this situation. Your WS is with you, which is a big step ahead of a lot of us. I would much rather be in your situation. Stay focused on Plan A, and it will get you through. The more EN's you meet, the easier it will be for him. Your time will come. Good Luck,

Ethan

cv55, the only thing I can say is I hear you loud and clear. I'm in about the same place as you, just a few weeks behind. I agree that thoughts run through my head all the time that they may be perfect for each other, I'm just fooling myself.

Then the sane side of me gives myself a 2x4 and says get on with Plan A. You are right for each other or you wouldn't still be here, he wouldn't still be here. This is the "worse" part of "for better or worse", so suck it up and get in the game.

I'm praying for you.

CV55,
I replied on your other post, too, before I realized you were starting a fresh one. I somehow missed the last few posts over there.

Anyway.

It's only been four weeks since he saw her. He is fighting a powerful addiction. He will be in intense pain for about six weeks (from what folks say) and then things will taper off until six months after NC when all he'll have is the occasional trigger. Generally speaking - every couple is different, of course.

The pain a WS goes through has some stages to it. At first is the breaking of habits - not sending a text message when they think of OP, not scanning the intray for their name, not picking up the phone to chuckle over something funny. Then sometime the realization begins to dawn on them that this is FOREVER. The WS feels panicky, uncertain if they can live their life with NC FOREVER. I think that is where your H is. It's a stage he has to go through. It's very hard. Once he gets through it, he'll be able to relax a LOT and focus on you and the M.

Please do hang in there. You two have so much going for you, even though you don't seem to be able to see that right now.

Try to pamper yourself, because your reserves are running low.

Can you talk to your H about what he is doing to help purge his system of OW? If he's open to being "educated" (he may not be) then a callout to WS might help. Maybe they could offer some ideas and your H could read through them. Be careful, though. This will only help if your H is ready for it and wants it. You can't push it on him.

Ethan, I know compared to you and others my situation seems better. It probably is. It also is very anxiety producing. I'm waiting for the boom to drop. When will H mess up? When will H resume contact because he can't take the withdrawal anymore? It's not like I'm consciously thinking all this. I think it's just a part of me. Hearing him talk about his feelings for her is just so degrading. So times like now I think if he was gone I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.

Stung, is your H's withdrawal this bad? As far as him "being here" it's not for me, it's for our kids. If it weren't for them he'd be with OW.

Turtlehead, I think you are right about the stage he is in. I never thought of it that way. But he is probably hitting the reality of NC forever. Given the degree of their involvement it has to be freaking him out.

I have talked to H about his need to break the fantasy he is holding on to. I don't know, and I don't think he knows, how to purge himself from OW. I did tell him, and so did our therapist, that he needs to commit to our marriage. He has to put the effort in us. Also getting the truth out. As long as he has his secrets about OW, even if he has NC, I'm on the outside. The therapist told him it's vital for the truth to be out. I think it set us back just because of what he was keeping hidden.

If you have any suggestions about purging let me know. He doesn't want to come here to MB yet. Totellthetruth offered to e-mail him privately, but he won't do that. My BIL had an affair and stayed with his W. They are trying to get together. I wish he would get support so I wouldn't be his major friend to talk to.

As far as pampering myself, I don't even know how. I'm so consumed by this situation I've lost myself I think. I have to regroup! Thanks!

CV55 -

Girlfriend. I totally know how you are feeling right now. Can't see the forest through all those prickly trees that are hurting you so much! That is why you are here.

We can see the forest, and we will have to guide you while you cannot see. And you will have to trust us, even though you can't see.

His feelings will subside. You just have to focus on the meantime. You need to find a way to survive in the interim. WH is on his own timetable, damm!t.

My WH's shift happened in one day for me. It was probably happening inside of him for several weeks, but I heard about it all at once. Until then, I didn't think he heard a word I said! Then, he starts telling ME that his feelings were natural, according to all the books I've read. I was like, hm. He is right.

This might sound crazy, but take WH and yourself to a comedy club. That thought popped into my head. Sometimes, when you have your brain wrapped around something so tight, you lose focus of the rest of the world.

The night I went to the comedy club with my girlfriends, was the night I realized that the world is larger than myself. I am not self-contained. This too shall pass.

Break your mind out of the tight box you have put it in. And take WH along and bust his brain out, as well.

Just a thought. Lots of love. Keep posting and reading. One day you will hear everything you want to hear. One day. Keep your head down, focused on the path, and try not to look around too much.

Go laugh.

Remember snoring. Remember toenails. Remember how dang lucky they are to have us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Stung, is your H's withdrawal this bad? As far as him "being here" it's not for me, it's for our kids. If it weren't for them he'd be with OW.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say that he is hiding his true withdrawal from me. He knows that I'm hurting too much right now. I would say about 2 months ago he was in our M for kids, still trying to decide who to choose. But now I think he's in it for me.

OW told him that he can't leave me for her without knowing that our M can't work ... without knowing that he gave it his all for a period of time and we still couldn't connect.

CV55,

I can't remember if anyone has suggested asking your therapist or doctor for medication. It could help both you and your H. It's one way to take care of yourself.

I'm not talking about long-term, scary, strong, antipsychotic drugs - just "a little something" to help, something that could help you focus (to pay bills, etc.), and something for your H to get him through the depression.

If he's ever ready for MB, warn him about 2X4's! I'm thinking he may be too fragile for those right now, but I don't know him. Maybe those would help?! It depends on his personality.

Hang tough.

Get out of the humdrum same old same old , start thinking PLAN A , and be your H's freind . Think of yourself as his BEST FREIND and only .

What may a best freind do to cheer someone up ?

OK and alittle more .

Have a dinner ready when he comes in from work , have the house in shape , and make up on.

Have a move picked out to go see .

Change the pace , I am not saying this so you or him can AVOID the issues at hand but take a fun break away from all this A , M , And relationship talk.

This may sound hard to hear and don't take it the wrong way , but Do you think a WSand an OP sit and do nothing but talk about relationships ??NO

They are doing , get a sitter without him knowing , get a reservation to a resterant , take the kids to the arcade , an indoor activitiy .

If your saying he may be there for the kids then make sure your doing things in the begining of this withdrawal as a family . Laughter is contagus (i am a terriable speller)

During withdrawal its worse for him to be sitting around dwelling over this and for you as well .

CV , I know it is hard to get motivated but you must , belive me your depression will only get worse .

I'll answer you all at the same time. Unfortunately we both are on antidepressants. He is getting a consult to see if something would be better for him. Mine is fine for me, it's just this situation is becoming intolerable. Today I feel like there is a 50 lb. weight sitting on my chest. What I want to do is get the friggin weight off of me. OMG, I just remembered that dream I had last week that I shared in one of my posts. H was on top of me and I was suffocating. Literally dying, and he wasn't even aware I was underneath him. That's exactly what's happening to me. I am suffocating in this. I feel like I can't breath.

SS, I hope you all can see the forest. I ain't seeing anything right now. As far as having fun, what's fun? H is definitely not fun. And right now I feel like i've been run over by a garbage truck. I have no idea what fun is.

As far as the kids go, I don't think they're having too much fun either. We talked to the shrink about them. H is very concerned they know something. So I think we are going to talk to them over the weekend and tell them we are having problems, but not mention OW. Although they might have heard her name and know.

I want to break out of this hum drum. I really do. My career that I went to school for 4 yrs. is going down the drain. I have to study and take my licensure exam, and I can't focus. The more time that goes by the harder it will be to take.

H called me a while ago and said he's not doing good, and he doesn't know why he isn't further along. He did say he thinks MC puts him back, and wants to talk to me about it. I will try to be his best friend. I know I have been his best friend for years. That is one thing that H might think he had with OW, but I'm not sure he did. Throughout last year he was still talking to me about lots of stuff, including some things to do with her. That's how I know she was being manipulative by some of what he told me.

Ok, any good comedies you'd recommend? We did see Starsky and Hutch which had some pretty funny parts. I agree, we or I need to laugh again.

SS, where did my humor go? I had such a good time laughing at both H and OW. I cracked up at one of her LOVE letters. Now I am total gloom. My 2 yrs. from hell began in May 2002 with my dad's declining health. It has gotten progressively worse ever since. I was basically a very happy, contented person. Where'd I go? How do I find me? Can I find me with this emotional vampire sucking me dry? GROAN!!!! The ever crappy feeling CV

Good morning MB friends! Just wanted to update you, although there's not much new. At least I'm not crying my eyes out this morning.

H and I were so dead tired last night because of him waking up constantly every night, we went to bed at 9pm. I never go to bed that early. At 11:30 pm I woke to him lying on top of me. Not for sexual purposes, but to be held. I proceeded to hold and stroke him for at least an hour or two. Again, not sexual, purely for comfort. It was the first time he actually was rubbing my back the whole time. He could not be comforted and finally went downstairs. He told me this morning he fell asleep on the couch.

So now it is one more day of being sleep deprived, and one more day of dealing with H's terrible withdrawal. I really hope he is capable of waking up from this fantasy. We went to dinner last night and I looked darn good. He noticed and told me. Yet, I know his heart and attraction isn't for me. Just like all my stroking of him in the middle of the night is not who he wants to be receiving it from.

I recommended to him this morning that maybe he should make an appt. to talk to SH. I also suggested he come here for support, like Dadto3boys did. Also the posts from "H" that someone revived are great. Whether he will or not, I don't know.

Presently I am trying to block all thoughts of OW and what they did out of my mind. Unfortunately that includes wanting H to reveal his feelings to me. I can acknowledge that he is grieving for her now, but I can't seem to tolerate much more. My interrogating self seems to have disappeared also. I just don't want to think about them and the pain they caused. Yet, I know it's not good for H to keep all of his feelings inside.

I so don't want to be in this place. However, I am trying to learn acceptance, like some of you have talked about. And I am trying to hold onto hope that he will come out of this fog, and we can recover. The next thing is hard for me to do. That is if he can't do the work of recovery really accepting my life without him, our M, the life we have built together. I have to work on that one. As always, thank you all. I can honestly say you all have held me up in a way that I didn't know was possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Whatever happens, I know you all will be here for me. CV

CV55

I'm happy to know that you are still fighting the fight. And it's the good fight. And you are slowly chipping away at the granite slab that exists between your WH and his realization that there's "no place like home".

I saw no sign of LB's or AO's or DJ's in your last posts. That's the track you need to remain on. I know it's hard, because I have done it. You are doing fine, and progressing every day.

I wish I could upload you a magic potion to make the WH's fog go away, and get the withdrawal over with, but remember, if he allows the fog to clear, he's going to deal with huge amounts of emotion when he has to face what he's done. It is so much easier for the WS to suppress all that. Facing reality for them, has to be a choice, not so much like us BS's, who had reality shoved down our throats!!!

My suggestion for the day. Do something with WH that is fun for both of you. Make it totally spontanous, unplanned, without any planning. If he has a favorite place, kidnap him and take him to lunch or dinner. Take him to a driving range, and whack some golf balls....but make it fun, and DO NOT TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, yours or his and the OW's. Just fun!

Fill his EN's by just being a fun person to be with. If you can remember something that was a part of your original courtship, that you remember as special.... do that, whatever it was.

Take a day for both of you to relax, and rest up. It will give you both a chance to heal, and prepare you better for tomorrow!!!

Always believing in you, CV!!

SD

CV -

Hearing about your sitch, I think I am grateful that my WH moved out when he did. In a way. At least I don't have to see all this crap. Maybe that is why he moved out. That, and I am definately not the type of woman you are - you are far and above me in many ways to be able to do what you are doing. God Bless. You will be paid dividends, later, I'd wager.

The reason I suggested a comedy club is that they are fast-paced and their sole purpose is to make you laugh. Even funny movies have down times that let your brain THINK!

Most cities have them, and they are not very expensive.

Some family activities just to get you all out together would be: bowling, frisbee in the park, bike rides (not sure what your weather is there), video arcade, roller skating/blading.

Try shifting your perspective. This is what I have to do. I have to move from a place of scarcity to a place of plenty.

You have your H home. He is willing to do stuff with you. You are capable of holding him anytime you want to.

Mine has his own apartment, he resists doing much with us still, he doesn't like to be held by me.

Take advantage of all the things that would comfort you.

He will snap out of it. I promise. It will be at the time you least expect it. My WH's first breakthrough out of the fog surprised the crap out of me. He has gone back in a bit, but not all the way.

Now that he knows that I know some of the stuff he knows (he said she said who's on first, eh?) he cannot go back to pretending that I don't know some of that stuff he knows! You know???

When I feel crushed by that weight you talk about on your chest, I realize that WH cannot crush me. What would truly crush me is if I went to see the doctor and they told me my child was going to die at a young age, never get the chance to grow up and have kids and a love, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I know that is morbid. But imagine being in that doctor's office, hearing those words. And thinking, "I wish it was no big deal, like my H leaving me or something!"

At least my children are healthy, and I am healthy. And even WH is healthy. At least I am not losing anyone I love to death.

Is that horrible? Oh well if it is. Sometimes, it has gotten me through the day, with a smile on my face, even!

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

SS, what you said is so RIGHT.

At least my children are healthy, and I am healthy. And even WH is healthy. At least I am not losing anyone I love to death.

I need to use this positive thinking to deal with my own situation, live day by day.

I think if I could just hang out with you all whenever I wanted, I'd quickly forget about H. I think I might have posted that thought before on here. Being with him is SUCH A BUMMER!

SD, it's interesting what you said about facing reality. Last night over dinner he talked about why he doesn't like MC. I think he feels like he is always the one on the hot seat. We've been in MC before this A, and that is the reality. However, to be honest, he has been the major culprit of a lot of our problems. His inability to deal with his feelings, so he looks at my feelings as bad. Before the A occurred we had really come a long way in that dept. He also loves Harley's SAA because Harley says just deal with the here and now. I think H takes it that we'll never have to deal with some of the past. I very nicely told him today that at some point I have to heal from this past A. Plus I want to know why this happened so it will never happen again if we survive it.

This morning he had to go to work to do loads of paperwork because Little Miss Thing isn't there to take care of it for him anymore. Before he left I told him to call me if he wanted company, because I haven't been paying any of our bills, so I'd work along side him. He didn't act like he'd call, but he did. So I went there. I just LOVE being at the place where all my relatives were laid out, and wondering what rooms H and OW were "F"ing in. I'm sorry, H likes me to say "having sex." Of course I didn't share any of those LBing thoughts with H. He was so agitated working on this office stuff. He had everything taken care of before. He was using the "F" word constantly. Said how great he had it before. I wanted to say, "DO you want to hire her back? Go ahead." I didn't! I'm actually thinking, "Wow, you really messed up. If only you didn't have an A with your office manager. She'd still be running your office, and partner would still be doing his thing." He can barely face these consequences, especially about partner.

We went out to lunch and he told me he almost wishes the A could have played out so he wasn't in all this pain. He acknowledged that ending in the in-love stage is really hard. I think he even said he's not sure he'll ever get over it. Of course I just hate hearing any of this. I'm at a restaurant talking to my H about his GF. Aren't I mature? If my family knew about any of this they'd disown me.

He was better when we returned to finish our work. However, when I left him there I just felt like my heart was broken. SD, I'm not sure much chipping has taken place against the granite slab.

As far as fun, we haven't had fun in so long I really don't know how. He was too busy having fun with OW. I think they went out drinking a lot. H and I haven't been into that since our 20s. Although we have been hitting the wine a lot lately. Plus we are both too tired to have any fun. I wish that man would start sleeping. My sleep patterns aren't great now, but they're better than his.

SS, I don't know what kind of a woman I am anymore. I called our MC last week and asked him a question. He had said how much higher my level of functioning is compared to OW. So I asked him if maybe what I'm doing really is dysfunctional. Walking around feeling like crap most of the day. Acting in ways that are totally opposite of how I'm feeling. Being kind to someone who soooo hurt me and our family. H just called me and I called him "Honey", as apposed to "You [censored]." SD, I am really refraining from those nasty LBs. Although really I have had few AOs.

SS, I will try to think more about what is the worst thing that could happen. My brother lost his 15 yr. old son in August 2002. That was the beginning of the string of deaths. I can't imagine the pain he and SIL went through. I'm just in a whiny, baby mode right now. And I so am not forgiving OW right now. Lately I find myself calling her a "F"ing "B" about 20 times a day. Wow, she must have thought she died and went to heaven. Being involved with the boss since April or May. Working with H. Having the perfect place to screw H. They didn't have to sneak around. She had a great job, he was going to provide her with a great career, and he wasn't giving me, the lowly W the time of day. She even joined the church he was playing guitar at. I have to tell you, looking back on it, I feel like such a chump. How could I have suspected an A, but not really realized it was actually happening. I know I have to stop judging myself on that one. It bothers me because I am not stupid. My therapist has told me, "CV, you were dealing with your dad's death."

OK, I'm rambling now. Sorry. Keep rooting for me, and if you pray, that I'll be able to move on either way. I truly love you guys! CV

CV55

Know what? Every BS could share similar stories. Right after DD #1, WW and I decided to shop for some wine and liquor. She told me, I'll stay in the marriage, and, by the way, I'd like to remain friends with OM. Of course I said, No Way, and the conversation ended, me thinking ok, no more contact.

We bought a fair amount of booze, took it home, put it away, and I thought no more about it. Till my brother came over to visit one day, and I was going to make us a Screwdriver, or some such vodka based drink. WW was out of town visiting Sister, and I could NOT find the Vodka. So I called her, although we were spending the weekend incommunicado to ask where it was.

She had no recollection of having any. So, with further questioning, and looking at the receipt, I disovered, we had, indeed, bought the vodka. Turns out, she had broken NC, and taken OM the bottle as a "housewarming gift" as he had just finished constructing a new bar in his basement.

Of course, I lit into her like a powder keg, and drove her further away...

Turns out, out of the 6-7 times she broke NC, it was right after I "lost it" and went ballistic on her. I had no idea that I was shooting myself in the foot with a poisoned harpoon.

Once I figured all that out, and stopped the LB's, we saw little glimpses of my former W, meaning Pre-A. Plan A finally wore her down, and we are now working hard at recover. (early stages, still vigilant, and still scared, but mostly, hopeful)

Withdrawal is a B*tch. I still think the advice in my former post, for you to get out and do something fun together, will relax you both, and give your stress levels a breather.

SD

SD, I was just getting ready to post when H asked if he could read some threads I recommended. One was about WSs fog written by "H", and the other was Dadto3boys. He started out on "H"s thread and lasted about 5 minutes. Said he couldn't relate to what this guy was writing. Then he went to Dad's and maybe lasted a little longer. He doesn't want to deal with any of this SH&&.

Concerning your story about the Vodka, and me feeling like the Queen of Chumps, I guess the bottom line is why would we think someone we love and trust would screw us over so totally? Even though I knew if he was having an A OW was the only likely candidate, I still thought he would have told me when I asked if he was having an A. I guess that's what's amazing. I never guessed he would be able to be as dishonest as he was. How naive can a person get?

Concerning fun, maybe if we start to sleep we'll feel good enough to have fun. I'm telling you, even before the A, life was so unfun. With all the deaths, sick parents, etc. I told H we were finally at a time in our lives we didn't have to worry about sick parents because, well, they were dead. That sounds so bad, doesn't it? So what does he do? He has an A and now IF we can stay together we get to spend the next several years working on recovery. I want to kill him! I really do!!!

Anyway, that Harley is starting to look good to me. Maybe I'll divorce H and get myself one. I'll become a biker chic. I'll travel the country and visit my MB friends.

Alright, I'm going downstairs to be with my H who really wants to be with his GF. OMG, I am losing my mind. I think I better check in to my padded cell before I buy that Harley. CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did any of you go through withdrawal this severe? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. I think you'll find all the WS's on this board (and I've been talking mainly to women) have been through very severe withdrawals. Withdrawal is grief. I find it's a bit unacceptable to talk about this on the board. WS's tend to get to told to "take it somewhere you can keep the A alive."

If you read "Letting Go of OM" you will find every person on there was trying to get through their withdrawal as quickly as possible so they could rebuild with their spouses. It also has some pretty good descriptions of withdrawal in all in its phases.

I sincerely hope and pray you and your H reach the state of recovery my H and I are in now.

Jenny

CV55...as a FWW, I can tell you that my withdrawal from the OM was just that bad and what made it worse is the fact that I still had to see him every day. I can't imagine how hard it must be on you to see first hand his withdrawal. I'm sure that according to MB's advice, I handled the whole withdrawal thing completely wrong. I never gave my H any indiciation of what hell I was going through. I made him believe that it was just the guilt of it all bothering me. I didn't want to hurt him any further by putting him through my emotional/physical withdrawal from the OM. I'm sure that is not the right way to go about the process but I did finally get through it.

You sound like an amazingly strong woman to be enduring what is going on right now. Your H is not holding anything back that he feeling regarding withdrawal. I'm sure that it how it's meant to work but I agree with others here...you do something for yourself special during this time. He is a very blessed man to have such a loving wife by his side!!!

CV55...one very important fact that I did forget to mention in my withdrawal..is that if you look back at my threads beginning in November you will see first hand a lot of the same things that your H is going through now. I used this forum time and time again to vent all of that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Looking back at those old threads now seems like a lifetime ago to me. This website was a lifeline to me during that time. A safe haven for me to totally spill my guts and not feel guilty about being honest about all of those mixed up feelings that WS's have while the fog is lifting.