There has been too many ups and downs in our marriage to count. It began with mostly ups, we were best friends first, then fell deeply in love. Things began really unwinding about 2 years ago and he wanted to divorce in October 2002, luckily I found MB. I’ve made a lot of progress, taken steps back, forward again. NEVER, NEVER has there been a thought, worry or fear of another person, affair or that issue as causing trouble in our marriage - our issues were different - communication, anger, different love languages and emotional needs and ways of expressing love and showing appreciation that almost caused hatred and divorce.
Since Christmas 2003 progress has been really good, so good, that I could actually say he was ‘in love’ again. He was buying flowers, romantic cards. We had some downs, but tried really hard and communicated effectively.
Then MONDAY - BOOM - began the train wreck: I had already written (in another thread, so I won’t rehash it too much) that he came home for some tools and I was asleep because I had a migraine. He got mad because it was 9am and felt like I should have already been up with the kids (they were there with me watching cartoons, having already eaten. He was angry the rest of the evening after he came home from work. I tried to talk that evening about his level of anger - no good - he was giving me the silent treatment once again. Tuesday, silent treatment once again, I felt so great. I know this is going to sound dumb - but I did end up crying. It has been a LONG time since I’ve done that especially in front of him (because I KNOW it doesn’t work) I couldn’t help it the tears just fell. I got up really soon and left the room though. At times like this my depression gets worse and I try really hard to control it, but it spirals downward fast. This is not his fault, I don’t blame it on him. I know I should’ve just dropped the issue MONDAY, but it felt as though he was insinuating that I could not handle being a mother, at home taking care of the house (as I had to stop working due to health reasons), and I was about to crack and go crazy or something, which is so far from the truth. It’s like when I ‘need’ him the most, he is the furthest away. Anyways, today I refused to let him see that. So, when he got home, I kindly arranged for him to take care of the kids (he had no problem with this, he loves to) and I went to the bookstore (a mental break for me), got back around bedtime.
Now I’m on the computer. I never ‘check’ the history on the computer, because I’ve never had a reason to, but I was going down the history to save myself typing a website from my own lazyness and saw a bunch of people search websites. Like the ones that find peoples addresses and such. I clicked on, thinking, neat, H was probably on there. Laughed cause he typed in my name and left out a letter. Then my smile turned into really NOT VERY HAPPY ANGER - because there were about 5 searches for his old girlfriend who used to live with him before he and I were married. This was when he was in his very early 20's. They dated for years, she got pregnant and had an abortion and they still dated until she moved to LA or Florida. Well, he searched both places. No results or anything, but just to think that he would search!? What does that mean? Should I be careful? Is he going to take it further? Was he looking for her because he means it when he says all the time that I make him miserable and maybe their relationship was happy and he remembered that today or something?
I’m not going to bring it up, but I never in a million years thought that I would have that kind of issue. I’m always scared that he is going to leave. Because he is always talking (when he is mad) about how he is not happy because I complain and blame him for things (huh, I haven’t done that in sooooo loooong!!!!!) And he is ‘living in hell’ and doesn’t put his wedding ring back on because according to him he ‘doesn’t have a marriage’ and is still ‘just here for the kids’......
UUUUGGGGHHHH..... I feel like printing out his little searches and stuffing them in his wallet with some rotten lunch meat or something ------ I know that’s a LB..... Please help me, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. I thought my marriage was getting better. I thought my depression and I was getting better. I’m going down fast and I can see rock bottom again and it’s really scaring me.......
