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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 259
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Deep down for a while now I have had these pent up feelings. I really do NOT want to let them out inappropriately at my H, although they are about him. So, I will take a moment to let it out, whine, cry or vent here - because I can hardly stand it - and I am on the verge - of what I don’t know (I can just feel myself getting angrier, more distant, and not caring much).

I will admit a thousand times that I am NOT perfect. I have made mistakes in our marriage, some because we were young and immature and had different EN’s which led to fights often. We had more stress than most - 3 kids, home ownership, both finished college, got jobs - all in 7 years. From the start H worked 70-80 hours per week, and I was in need of ‘quality time’, would try to be understanding, but end up feeling alone.

Well, he stated as a matter of fact - a year ago that he GAVE UP on the marriage, he’s done trying to make me happy (hmmm, I was thinking, what HAD he done??) And he was going to be in it for himself and just fulfill his dreams and spend time with the kids - none of the good old ‘how can we work on x problem, oh maybe plan a date night, okay honey!’ No more of that. When I even mention something like that he ignores me, turns the tv on, reads anything in print or goes to the bathroom. I have made some major changes, stopped the Lbing that used to bug him, respected his decisions not to talk (even though inside I felt he was being immature, I let it go). I’ve become a “happy” person, even if I don’t feel to happy inside, he just didn’t like the sad crier that I had become as our marriage was being flushed down the toilet.

I’m not perfect though, and I backslid a bit. But mainly I’m sticking to my guns and trying to meet his EN’s and I’m even going to the gym every single day and dieting my BUTT off (literally) because I’m tired of (myself) feeling like maybe it’s because I’m not ‘pretty’ enough (okay, I know that’s not really true, but it’s giving ME something to work on for myself that I can accomplish, so I won’t get depressed when all the stuff in the M doesn’t work).

Well my H is not having an affair with anyone else - but HIMSELF - he is in love with himself now, and he refuses to see the importance or need or even the desire to look outside that box anymore. He will admit it, he’ll take what he will get (but won’t show gratitude) but GIVE anything back, no way!!!! He thinks that he was the giver for all those years of the past. He fails to realize that I was the one having the babies while working and going to college trying to stay awake all night with newborn babies and 40 page thesis papers. He says, well, I ‘put’ you through college (hmmm, no my loans did). Yes, he worked then - I ‘worked’ to just not always bringing a check to the bank. No matter what I say, he won’t let that fact GO, that he worked, that I had a choice NOT to work and he didn’t.

At the time, I thought we were a team, we made those decisions together. Every time we chose for me to stay home for certain intervals with the kids - it was for their best interest - we always thought of them (kids) and always agreed that what we were doing was right. Now, and for the past year I’m getting it thrown back into my face - like a slap! I feel that I was right there on the team, but the way it sounds, I wasn’t even worthy enough to be the darn water boy (I DO know better, I do).

As I sat early this morning after my H left for work at 5am, after he ate the breakfast I made (another thing he overlooks, I know a lot of people who don’t wake up that early to make food for their spouses working or not!) - I realized that I have put a lot of the MB concepts to work. I know that I haven’t done so for nearly as long as I should. I’ve avoided the LB’s - which is the advice if there is no affairs - but the result from that has been that H is distant and in his own world. And feels that I’m the household doormat. Example, at dinner the other night, my son asked what was the word for ‘skinny’ in spanish (a translation question, they’re learning spanish) - my H said ‘Jennifer Lopez’ - he’s becoming an inconsiderate ogre that I don’t even want to be around. And if I say anything - I’m the one with the problem!!!!

At this point, I have considered that I would be in more peace if I were to leave (with kids), or tell him to leave. However, it feels quite selfish to say that, to have the children away from him, as he is a wonderful dad. It is just sad that he has never ever seen our marriage as much of a priority, he doesn’t think you should have to work on it. He thinks it should just ‘exist’! I’m reading endlessly, in therapy, on meds, and battling the heck out of myself just to try to make a bit of difference here and when it comes right down to it - when the reality hits - he’s just not into it, he really has given up. He doesn’t care. He’d truly be happier without me, and that just hurts to type.

I cannot go through the rest of my life feeling that I am a burden. That I’m not good enough. I don’t understand sometimes why we end up with some one so contrary to what we have always dreamed of or needed. I have always been such an affectionate, sensitive, romantic, poetic, feeling, caring, type person - and I marry a big old bump on the log - ugggh ....... I dream of leaving, but don’t really have the guts...... So I just sit on the sidelines, as not to interfere anymore, and stay quiet so I don’t ruffle the ‘non-fighting’ atmosphere so that my H can continue to live in his perfect world.

Joined: Nov 2003
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trying...I can feel the pain in your thread and I am so sorry...can you tell me a little bit about yours and H's situation. I'm assuming that that you and H are in recovery and can you tell me for how long?

Joined: Sep 2003
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Yikes, sounds like that is just the way your WH is. How did his dad treat his mom?

You have a lot going for you. But sounds like you need some boundaries. You need to decide what kind of treatment you will accept. Cloud and Townsend have a great book on Boundaries in Marriage.

In the meantime, stick with us, we'll put our heads together and work this out. It is true that when one person changes, it is impossible for the other not to change.

Joined: Dec 2003
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He sooooooooooo takes you for granted that you will always be there for him...being his 'maid' and 'mom' basically!

Sometimes the fear of losing you is all it takes to open their eyes to what life would be like without you there! (It sure worked that way for many of us BS when our mates had an affair! We made a complete 180 degree turnaround and realized we did not want to take them for granted anymore!)

How you can achieve that, without having an affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I don't know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Maybe you can be creative and think of a way!
Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>


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