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Joined: Apr 2004
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Am I crazy to want to prompt a sexual encounter with my husband (the one recently found to be having an affair)(sorry haven't figured out all the acronyms?)

Last year I recognized something was wrong and was working on myself to become a better person (physically and mentally)
Our sex life had actually improved this past fall and spring. It is my understanding the affair got physical this year.
Last fall I had gotten so interested that I even questioned the doc as I hadn't had these feelings in some time. Apparently my excercising religously everyday and change of medications had helped. BUT hubby was apparently had his fill of my lack of interest in prior years.
All I can think is that I pushed him away. I realize that it is his decision to have the affair, but I honestly don't blame him.
He is in the fog and I'm desperately wanting him to commit to us AND I'm just plain frustrated.

So would I be wrong to suggest or prompt something sexual?

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First, is sex a big deal for him? For me, and most men, it is thier biggest need. Most men, sex leads to intimacy, isn't that what you are looking for? Some guys just want sex w/anyone, but if your H is one who sex leads to intimacy, then this could be a way to begin to rebuild.

Having said all that, ya gotta think about STDs and testing.

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Yes, sex has been a big deal. It waned off with his having a hernia (belly button) and my overweight didn't help. With my being more fit and definitely interested I am just ready to pounce.
When it came so unbearable to me, I sought relief by myself. I shared this with him, that seemed to spark some interest in him. He suggested a toy and even with this affair going on, he seemed to be quit interested in my new found interest in sex. (But, he was already in the affair by then).
If I truly acted on what I feel the man wouldn't come up for air but I'm so afraid this sounds like I'm desperate over the situation.
And yet, in fact . .. I've been desiring this for nearly 8 months.
I don't want to ruin the chance of saving the marriage by pushing myself on him. But I would just love to express my true desires.

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Holy mackeral woman, why are you sitting behind a monitor?!? Go git him!!!

Seriously, I would just about kill to read a post like this from my wife. If he showed spark, well, go pour some gasoline on it!!!

dewt (who is kidding, but very serious all at the same time)

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Thanks I needed that. Hubby moved out and so I don't have him here to attack. Like now its 3 in the morning and I've had to seek other means.
But I've asked him to come over tonight and he said yes but there is a possiblity he has to work (yes, really work and not be w/ someone else)

So tonight I will go for it. I sure hope he doesn't back down, as I don't think I could handle the rejection. Have even considered a game plan of talk if he resists. Something in the line of us pretending we are two different people for the moment.

I want this affair put behind us so badly and yet he is still in that fog. Our anniversary was yesterday (14 years). Oddly enough I think we expressed an appreciation for that day moreso yesterday then we have in past years.

Damn this is frustrating.

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It's my 14th Anniversary next month too. Strangely enough, my WH stayed over last night and got into bed beside me. I was gagging for it too but as his affair is ongoing, I'm just not able to let myself go (a) for fear of rejection - I feel he should be making a move towards me after what he's put me through and (b) he gets the best of both worlds and I get to share my husband. I don't think so. Yet I haven't fancied sex with him for quite some time because of his behaviour (didn't know it was because he was shagging someone else). Do men ever realise that we get urges too. I'd love him to make the first move.

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Well . . . I've made my mind up I'm gonna seduce him tonight.

I just got off the phone with him, and told him good morning. He was very receptive. I had already made a request we spend the evening together tonight. I hope he follows through.

I've been working on a letter to him the past few hours. Not sure if I'll give it to him but it is my back up plan if I can't seem to verbalize or make the right moves this afternoon. The letter can be the ice breaker if need be.

Yes, I know the feeling of being rejected. But I have come to terms with that somewhat enough that I want to chance it.

Also, I'm thinking if we had done the need list that MB suggests that sex would be at the top of his list. And well . . . it is on mine. I don't want to give the OW something by my inactivity.

I agree, I absolutely hate that I am sharing him. But I want him back and so its no holds bar.
Well . . .ha, I'm feeling pretty cocky now so hope this doesn't come across that way tonight in a manner that will blow it.

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You know him best.

Hold nothing back...

Blow his mind...

(no pun intended)

dewt

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whitefeather,

You're kidding right? Your H is having an A and you are going to compete with the OW in bed? You'd better get that man some Vitamins. He's going to need them if he is going to be bed hopping.

This is your personal choice but I don't think that you are creating an incentive for him to come back to the M. He will just have twice the pleasure of something that was lacking.

It seems more like you are simply out to please yourself. You're working out, you're in better physical condition and you're getting a little amorous. By having sex with your WH however, you are only going to add icing to his already scrumptious cake.

If you want your WH back then initiate a Plan A which does not include sex. Imply, however that upon his rededication to the M that he may find a new level of SF with you that he has never experienced before. Create incentive through Plan A not sex. Sex does not fix the marriage.

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You are planning on using protection, right?

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I agree with dewt in this case. Go for it and win him back, lady! If you entice him and then deflate his expectations he will flee right into the OW's arms. You do chance rejection, but isn't your man worth one last, honest effort? I encourage you to stay on the course you feel is right for yourself. If your intuition (and hormones) tell you to run to your H then by all means run to him! The seeds you sow now may well reap a great future harvest. Have fun and God bless!

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Tummytuck calling whitefeather; I'm dying to know if you went ahead and seduced him? Leading up to your WH's affair, did you have much sex or do you think that is the thing that drove him into someone else's arms? My WH had really struggled to get aroused and I thought it was his health problems and depression so I backed off from sex thinking I was pressurizing him. Everyone's circumstances are different. Some people are telling you no but I think that it can become such a big obstacle that if one of you isn't brave enough to make that first move, you might never sort things out. Surely, as long as you are aware there are other problems as well and are willing to discuss them, sex is such a major issue that maybe by getting intimate again, you might feel better able to discuss things together. By sleeping together again, maybe you are taking the first steps on your road to recovery, as long as it is not the only step. Who are we to judge? Good luck cos it could be me next!!

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Update: Hubby just left to go back OW for the night. No sex, instead a very tearful soul searching conversation.
So much for doing what feels good.
Nah, he turned me down right away (in as nice of a way as he could) Noteably he has been quite depressed since the affair came out (10 days ago). I take that for a good sign for me as he isn't sure he wants the divorce.
Apparently he was in need of clarifying some things and so we got into some heavy talk.
And he talked more then he has ever done so I find that positive also.

Just that the evening turned out no where close to what I was wanting. And sadly, I now see that won't be happening anytime soon.
He is in a super fog. And I need to get focused on plan A.

He blew off the sex as not an attempt to restore the marriage but as I needed relief. So he didn't take it as manipulative. Sadly I must admit it was some of that too.

Damn I hate this waiting game.

I hope I'm not fooling myself. But I honestly do believe we have a solid chance of making it work.
He on the other hand is hooked on being loved and needed by this other woman.

He is showing more interest in marriage counseling. I'll take anything that shows a chance to save our marriage.

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Tummytuck - hubby and I see two different pictures regarding what was the start of our decline.
I see it as I changed jobs(I used to work with hubby and now I don't), gained 30#s in 2 years,
started medications that I suspect altered my sex drive. Add to the mix building a home and YES I turned my hubby down way too many times. Seriously I had no interest. (something I so regret) and not to much later he got a hernia (bellybutton) that he refuses to get fixed.
Also I cannot remember the last time we had fun. We have both been working so hard over the years.

His story is that he changed and fell out of love with me. That although he says he remembers telling himself he wasn't going to beg for sex that it wasn't the sex that allowed him to look elsewhere. He takes all blame for our marriage decline.

Now which person do you think has a better grasp of the situation?

Aside, I spoke to my physician last fall as I found I was regaining an interest in sex. After some consideration she placed credit to changing my blood pressure medicine and my excercising.
Sad thing is that by then I had pushed hubby away so many times that I think it spilled over into other parts of our relationship.

He somewhat sees my view on things but still hangs on to his being the changed man. Says my husband died.
I'm thinking this is his way of justifying the affair.

So yeah, I wanted to have sex tonight to start the road to recovery. To show him I am interested and that I sincerely want him. He sees the distinction of my desire increasing since last summer and not an interest to compete with the OW. But he did want me to clarify my intentions, as he didn't want it to be a desperate move on my part.

This fog he is in, really stinks.

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So sorry to hear your plan changed course. I've been rejected sexually when the PA was unknown to me but haven't actually tried anything since discovery. I actually feel sorry for my husband today. He had a specialist appointment yesterday and his kidney function has taken a big turn for the worst (stress plays havoc). He is heading for dialysis and it must be depressing. What a mess he's making of all of our lives. He says if he leaves this OW she is threatening to kill herself. From the phone calls to our house, I can hear the desperation in her voice. He now has to choose between a very needy, desperate woman who totally idolises him and me. There's is a highly charged emotional relationship. He's quite a low person, over-worked, bad health, financial problems. I suppose I haven't 'cared' enough about him as a man/husband. It's taken this terrible turn of events for me to really realise that men and women are SO different. We used to be good in bed and probably, when he needed me most I felt bogged down worrying about all the other issues in our lives. It's so sad really. Hope we can somehow move forward. Would love my 3 girls to have an intact family. Sorry, I know I digress ...!

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Do you ever feel that you want to have him just to prove you can. Realistically, I don't want to have the marriage I lost on Valentine's Day. I want to have what we had a long time ago. I know we can't recapture the passion of an affair but we had good sex and were good friends. I know we were in a bad place before the affair started and that's why I think I can handle things a bit better. I know I have played a part in this. But I can remember the good times too. At the moment, I'm not sure he can. I think he feels that he has never felt like this before (how he feels when he is with OW) whereas I know he has. My memory is better than his!

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Tummytuck - I understand what you mean about feeling sorry for him. And it is sad to see their health go down hill.
I wonder if his desire to "feel needed" is so overwhelming that he can't help himself.
Mine has always loved to help others. He is an absolutely giving person (one of the qualities I love about him) But this other woman needs him too. And he has commented that he likes that she needs him. This has really flabbergasted me as I have always "needed" him. But I am also guilty of being very independent. Oddly enough that is what he used to brag about me in that I didn't always "need" him.

I think you are lucky you have him under roof. Mine moved out and only spent one night since.
I am learning rapidly that what I think and feel is not what might be reality. As here I was thinking we were heading for the sack and instead we are so far away from that.

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Tummytuck - You asked, "Do you ever feel that you want to have him just to prove you can. "
I guess I want to prove that our life can be better. Sure it would be great to have what we used to have, I don't think it'll ever be that way. But I do have it in my mind that we could have better.
We too had great sex and were always good friends. In some ways that is the only thing holding us together. He trusts me. He knows I won't lie to him. I will say just about anything to him, even if it is not in my best interest. And we too, were in a bad place in our marriage for several years prior to affair.

You speak of his not remembering the good times and you remembering. Thats exactly where we are at also.
Much of our conversation last night was his asking me why he thought we could make it. And much of my comments were based off of our history. I listed fixable things (or at least in my mind they are fixable) And as I've read somewhere he is rewritting history or he just doesn't remember.
Our anniversary was the 27th. On the card I wrote thanks for the 17 years together and look forward to another 17+.
His comment was that he had no idea we have been together that long. (I'm thinking huh?)

Regarding his feelings of newness and excitement. He has told me it is the same that we had when we got together (thats what kills me, not that he compares . .. but all of a sudden he can remember that but can't or won't remember the other years)

Yeah, seems my memory is much better then his too. I suppose it is this fog that MB explains.

You said, "I can handle things a bit better. I know I have played a part in this."
Yeah, I think it is good that we see what part we played in the situation. I too, konw I did much damage . . . in some ways I think I may have actually been the one that started this downhill slide.

What part did you play?

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Whitefeather - my replies probably come at a strange time to you cos I live in Asia. You can check out my 'case history' if you check the directory and see my posts. There's not many, I only joined up a few weeks back. Took me a while to figure out how to join in! So, what part did I play. Well, my husband works a six day week which is very common here. It makes you really independent. I came not to rely on him for company. I've got 3 girls and they are great fun (sometimes) but it is exhausting keeping up. So, he came in from work and we slipped into a dinner/TV routine. No conversation apart from a quick "how was your day". I know it goes on in every household but it's not really good enough, is it? Then, I felt he was ignoring me so I found myself keeping a distance in bed. Like, if you can't be bothered to talk to me, then I'm not giving you any treats in bed. We weren't even cuddling anymore. Not good. And it just rolls into a big vicious circle. And through all of this, I felt I couldn't nag him or pressurize him to do things because he's not in good health and he needs his rest!! Health problems really play with people's heads. He's quite fatalistic. Seems to think the worst is going to happen to him so maybe he tried to get some pleasure while it was on offer. He got more than he bargained for cos it's a bit like Fatal Attraction. She stalks, phones, pesters but I think he is so loving the attention cos he's been starved by me. I'm from London by the way. Where do you live?

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Tummytuck -
Your replies are coming in at the morning here in Alabama (US) I have been writing mostly at 3 and 4am as I am not sleeping well at all. Most I get is 5 hours. First few nights of finding out about affair I got 2.5 hours. I'm really suprised how much I can actually stay awake. I'm tired of crying but the pain is horrific.
I really had thought things were slowly coming around and last night and this morning conversation went bad.

There are some similarities to us. Hubby works long hours and we fell into the he is tired syndrome too. He has some health problems and has attempted to ignore hernia.

I don't know how you deal with the pest though. I've no knowledge of who he is with, but would like to know. I suspect someone from work.

Must admit I fantasize about showing up at her doorstep and just introducing myself. I'm not the violent type or anything. I just want to invade their secret haven.

I too, am independent. Oddly enough this is what he said he loved about me many years ago. And I gave him space. If he was tired, I was understanding. If he was snippy, I blew it off as he worked so hard. I seemed to have always given him excuses. Not that I regret any of that. Just that I can see where I assumed giving him space was okay. Silly me.

Well . . . sorry I didn't have a good story to tell you about initiating sex to make the step towards the right direction.
I wish mine was at least living at the house. Hard to communicate with someone that keeps telling me "he don't know, he don't know".

So what is your next game plan? or do you have one. Are you doing Plan A and just trying to be pleasant?


So, what part did I play. Well, my husband works a six day week which is very common here. It makes you really independent. I came not to rely on him for company. I've got 3 girls and they are great fun (sometimes) but it is exhausting keeping up. So, he came in from work and we slipped into a dinner/TV routine. No conversation apart from a quick "how was your day". I know it goes on in every household but it's not really good enough, is it? Then, I felt he was ignoring me so I found myself keeping a distance in bed. Like, if you can't be bothered to talk to me, then I'm not giving you any treats in bed. We weren't even cuddling anymore. Not good. And it just rolls into a big vicious circle. And through all of this, I felt I couldn't nag him or pressurize him to do things because he's not in good health and he needs his rest!! Health problems really play with people's heads. He's quite fatalistic. Seems to think the worst is going to happen to him so maybe he tried to get some pleasure while it was on offer. He got more than he bargained for cos it's a bit like Fatal Attraction. She stalks, phones, pesters but I think he is so loving the attention cos he's been starved by me. I'm from London by the way. Where do you live?

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