I changed my name for this post because H checks in and reads my posts. I need to express some thoughts that I don't want him to read. Hopefully you will recognize me as a "hip water fowl" and my DD first words and will know some of my background

Tonight I am feeling pretty low again. I believe that my FWH has kept with NC - We are a month in recovery, but as i stated in my last post, recovery has been terrible.
I am so unhappy and confused. I need help understanding my H's behavior. He:
- No longer interested in SF, but will do dumb things like check out my underwear
- Shows no affection
- Ignores our anniversary and doesn't open the card I bought him. Says he left mine at work, but still haven't seen it
- Tells me he is unhappy and doesn't care to try to make the M work, but he is still with me and has made no attempt for D
- Talks about us in a negative light - things were never good (to be honest they haven't been in a long, long time)
- Always can throw in something about D in our conversations about other things (Like when we D... or when you find someone else..)
- When i mention a D, he never seems against it, but when i suggest that he files he says I thought you were going to. When I ask if he wants me to, he will avoid it or say if you want.
- won't talk about the A and gets upset when I do.
-Tells me he wants custody of our DD and he will fight me for her
- Wants to see the new clothes i bought and wants me to try them on for him, but then makes comments like where are you going to wear that or who are you trying to impress?

I am so confused by his actions. In so many ways he leads me to feel that it is over and he really doesn't care, but then he is here and making no attempt not to be and does things like call when he will be late from work. I checked the history of the computer and realized that he read my last post when i was "feeling insignificant" and it occured to me that when he came to bed that night he rubbed my arm and laid closer than normal. But these little things are not enough and I am finding myself closer to filing for D. Could all of this be withdrawl? How can I tell? It hurts when he tells me he doesn't want to try. I have been the only one that tried, but I don't want to waste any more of my life on someone who treats me terribly.Can anyone help me interrupt these actions???

More to add to my confusion - I went to dinner with a friend and drop our DD off at my IL's, When i picked her up, we stopped to see H at work. H wasn't very nice to me. Made a comment about Where did I think I was in NY in my outfit? (We are from a small town - See the joke HAHA) - I did look good. I said that I would like to talk sometime at getting my life in order. (We had talked more about D in the morning)He agreed.Anyway he told me he was going out with the guys after work. Something I have always hated and we have often fought about. I said not a word. Anyway long story short - He just called to see how our DD was. Well she isn't sick and goes to bed at 8:00 and it is 9:00, so what's up with that. Then he wanted to know what I was going to do. What choices do i have with a baby sleeping?? so he said he would see me later - bye. Why did he call?

I don't know you from your prior/other name, but have you had any counseling? Is he willing to try counseling?

It's hard to be a mind reader... (good luck)

H refuses counseling. Went drinking last night. Came home late and wanted SF - I refused when he said he didn't love me but had needs. He said he isn't sure if he loves me or not. when I asked if he loves OW he said no. Told me he would leave today that the M was over.
This morning he didn't understand why I was cold towards him. Says he doesn't remember what he said to me last night that he was drunk. Not sure what to believe anymore

Yes, I do know who you are. I have read many of your posts but I'm not sure if I have ever posted to you.

I see your H's actions and trying to get a reaction from you. It sounds a lot like game playing to me.

You are a couple months past dday right?

Your H's actions are exactly like my H's actions immediately following dday. He sounds very very foggy and he is rewriting history like a mad man. Are you in plan A? I assume you are. Do you know his ENs? I'm sure he will not fill out the forms to give you a clue about his ENs but there are things you can do to show him you love him that will lift this fog.

You do sound a lot like me in the beginning when my H was acting like this. I wanted to choke him and didn't want to make an attempt to meet his ENs. In fact there were times when I absolutely avoided it.

I honestly believe your H is looking for a reason to be upset with you. He's teasing you with rude comments and trying to hurt your feelings to get you to lash out or to get some type of reaction from you. Don't give him a reason...just remain "cool" and keep up plan A. That should work wonders for bringing him out of the fog.

And you still want to be married to him. I know you do. You love him and the man you are living with right now is not your H. You know that....you've been on this board long enough to know that. He is foggy. Work on you and continue to Plan A.

In the end it's your decision....do you want to stay married? If your answer is yes then you know what needs to be done...it won't be easy.

Sending you my prayers.

Thanks for the response
I do hope you are right and it is a game, but it is a game that I don't know how to play. I guess I am in Plan A, but I'm not sure what to do exactly. Lately I have backed off and haven't done much of anything other than the basics. Should I start showing affection again? Should I give the kiss before bed and when he leaves for work? Or should I give him his space. I think I know what his needs are, but most days we are just together. I feed him, clean his clothes, take care of our DD-- just the basics.
Please give me advice on how to behave. My MIL thinks I should show him that i am moving on by starting to do a lot of things for me and let him wonder what I am up to. I just don't know. Yes, I do love him and I want the M to work, but I hate it the way it is and if he can't change I don't want it. I just need him to give it a chance and I can't seem to get a chance

I think if you do as you MIL says you will be playing into his game. Yes, work on yourself. But do not hide that from him or let him wonder.

For instance...take a class in photography or join some type of volunteer group...whatever you are interested in. Tell your H like you would anything else. If he asks why tell him you want to work on yourself and try new things. Say, I've always been interested in photography and I thought it would be fun to learn more about it.

Join a gym...you'd be surprised what working out with do for you. More energy, better body, more self confidence....you know the rest.

I do think that you should so affection for your H. If you feel like giving him a kiss DO IT. You don't have to do a big ole passionate kiss. When you go to bed say I Love You. If affection is a main EN of his meet that need. I sometimes have to force myself to take those steps. Not that I do not feel like doing them...I want to I really do...but in the same respect I want to choke my H for what he did. Sometimes when those feelings of bitterness overwhelm me I will just force out a hug and an I love you. It helps me and it helps him. He doesn't have to know I was just thinking about biting his ankle, right?

So do not play games....he is playing a game. He's trying to get you to react.

Start right now. You are feeling bitter and you are wanting to give up...I can tell.

Go to the store and buy all the ingredients for your Black Forest Cake....make him another one. Put a note beside it that says "Just Because".

I promise you right now that this will do more for your M then you could ever imagine. It'll do more for you then it will for him.

To love someone who is always nice and sweet and returns your love is not a big accomplishment, but to love someone who has hurt you deeply is the greatest feat of all.

You can do this. I know you can. You are discouraged right now and that brings in the BS FOG. I know all about that. Lift your own fog...bake a cake.

Please, will you please do this? I wouldn't ask if I didn't know in my heart that this will make a difference.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tonight I am feeling pretty low again. I believe that my FWH has kept with NC - We are a month in recovery, but as i stated in my last post, recovery has been terrible. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A month into recovery is almost always terrible. It usually takes anywhere from 4 to 8 months to get into a good recovery.

I have my own thoughts for why your H is feelings this way....on top of withdrawl.

My H reacted this way while in the beginning of recovery.

He wasn't sure that I was going to stick around because of what he'd done so....like I did while he was having his A....he pulled away. Tried not to stay or get too attached because it was better that way if I was going to leave.

He was also jelous of every little thing.
New clothes made him wonder who I was trying to impress....goes along with him thinking that I wouldn't stick around.

Funny how it gets turned around when recovery starts. The WS thinking that the BS is doing something and is going to bolt at any minute.

You H is also still in withdrawl. He won't do much of anything right now to make an effort. He really can't with all the things that are going on inside his head. At least you had that small effort from him reading one of your posts.

When my H was going through this I didn't understand it either until someone explained it to me....then I could see it clearly.

At this point what I did was to take even the tiniest effort and hold onto it and remember it when it didn't seem like there was any effort at all from him.....it's hard for him right now too.

It doesn't sound like a game to me. It sounds like your H needs to work through what's going on in his head before he can get anything else done.....recovering your marriage included.

If you feel like showing affection and he isn't pulling away....do it. If he doesn't mind and you don't do it....it leaves him wondering why you're not doing it.

Like I said...it's wierd how things get turned around sometimes in the beginning of recovery....but it's yet something else that you have to work through.

Jmislost,

I don't know much about your history, so I hope my response is not too off track.

It definitely sounds like your H is playing games, looking for answers.

I think (and this is just my opinion), that your making a mistake by changing your screen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I checked the history of the computer and realized that he read my last post when i was "feeling insignificant" and it occured to me that when he came to bed that night he rubbed my arm and laid closer than normal. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If counseling is out of the question, then maybe the next best thing is to let him read your posts, your true feelings, the fact that you still love him, even aftere his A.

Just a thought. If you're not communicating, and you want to save this M, allowing him to read your posts is the next best thing.

Gottobe has a point here. You might want him to see your posts but I do understand your not wanting him to read everything.

Now when I say playing games I don't mean in a bad way...like he's messing with your head. I think he's dealing this in the same fashion you would play a game....doing things to see how you'll react. Saying things that he really doesn't mean just to see your response.

Maybe this is how he is dealing with it all.

Bake the cake. I hope you are doing that right now. As a matter of fact..post the recipe here and I'll make one with you.

I just want to say that I love all of you. When I am feeling the lowest, I know that I can always find help here.

I went today to get a haircut and ended up getting highlights for the first time ever. I feel so good about myself. I hope H notices and likes. If not I am going to try to not let it dissapoint me.

Maybe I have never posted the complete history. When I first found out about the "friend" - Had no idea of the A, just that he was spending a lot of time with her and I found it very inappropriate. H came back to M. (little did I know that a PA had occured - even the night I gave birth to our baby)Anyway h wanted to work on the M. This time we did date nights and things seemed good to me -- Suddenly date nights stopped and I noticed H was different. 6 months went by and h started contact again. This was when I found everything out and he said he loved her, his soulmate, blah, blah
Anyway I think H doesn't care to try this time because I didn't work the first time. He said I resorted back to what I was. I know he sees the changes in me, but i think he might be afraid I will resort back. I don't know just an idea. The thing was though is that I didn't know how important changes were and I hadn't found this sight. I don't know how to make him know that this time we could have something great because we both finally see what was wrong.
It just bothers me that H doesn't want to try.

I am off to make tiramuso (sp??) one of our favorite desserts when we used to go out. Thanks again. I think I will hug him when he gets home from work.

Well H did it again. I'm crying and dying inside.
I went happily to the kitchen to make my dessert when H calls from work. He wanted to remind me that after dinner he had to do this PR thing for work at this festival. Our conversation went like this
Me - Can DD and I go with you?
H- why?
M- I thought it would nice to spend some time together.
H- Why?
M- Because I still love you
H- I thought you were giving up
M- Should I? I still love you
H- I thought you wanted to
M- If I still love you why should I give up?
H- Well if we have nothing here
M- If you want me to give up I will. Should I?
H- I don't know
M- So can DD and I go?
H- You never give up. I am going out to get smashed afterward (drunk)
I start to cry and he says he has to go that he is tired of my $hi!.

Did I do something wrong? why does he hurt me this way? Was it so out of the question to want to be with him? Why does he always make me feel like he doesn't want to be with me? Now I will sit home tonight on this computer crying. I can't stand to live this life anymore. I am somebody and I am tired of being treated like a nobody.

I so needed to be with him tonight. I had to go to the funeral home to see a 14 year old child that I taught in 1rst grade. I needed to be held and loved instead I get rejected.

He hurts you this way because he can. He knows he can do whatever he wants because you have no boundaries and there will no consequences. And being able to treat you so badly has probably eroded any respect he once had for you.

I am sorry to be harsh with you, but you need to stop wasting your time crying and start taking some action here. You are only a victim ONCE, after that you are a VOLUNTEER.

You have been in Plan B several times and always give in after about a week when he comes and sweet talks you. You never set any boundaries to protect yourself and this is the result. Of course, he still works with the OW and has probably never ended contact. And why should he?

JM, please do something constructive for yourself and your daughter. Go back and implement a PROPER Plan B and stay there until he ENDS CONTACT with the OW and shows some willingness to work on your marriage. If you don't demand some respect, he won't respect you. And if you don't protect yourself, NO ONE else will.

Dear, just imagine the message you are sending your daughter by refusing to stand up for yourself? Do you want her to grow up and act like this?

JM -

You are taking the blame here. You are allowing him to put all of this on your shoulders...it should not be there. You have done nothing wrong.

I'm not sure what steps you should take at this point. Given his reaction on the phone he is going to get hammered and was not being honest about it to begin with....I'd wonder if he's really going to get smashed...is he going to see OW?

My H never did this so I'm not sure I can advise on what your next step would be. I can say that I'd probably still make the tiramisu. Don't do it for him...do it for you and DD. I hope the highlights weren't for him either. You are focused on him and not focused on you. I'm sure he's all you can think about. I know at this point I got myself a new pair of breasts. I did it for me and not for him. I didn't even tell him I was doing it. Just did it. It kept my mind off of things and I'd always wanted it.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now.

Maybe take DD to see a movie after dinner. Adjust your focus to her some. I'm sure she needs the attention.

I'll say a prayer for you. Sending you hugs and love.

H came home. Not the best timing, but I questioned again where he went drinking last night - he told me the same place as he did last night. Problem is his clothes didn't at all smell like smoke. I questioned contact with OW. He said no. He said he can't stand it any more and he can't stand me. He told me he doesn't love me. I asked if he wanted to M over and he said isn't that what I've been saying. I started crying and I got yelled at for doing that in front of our 16month DD. H wanted to know what I wanted from him and I said to try. H said that he did and he just doesn't have fun with me and I can't change the person that I am.
He said he knew that I would take him for a lot of money in a D, but all he wanted is = time with DD. All I could do is cry, throw up and tell him I loved him. I'm sure I was pitiful. H yelled because of the time I chose to speak about it. He was going to be late for the stupid PR thing. Big deal our M is falling apart. H left and his only concern was if I was in an ok state to take care of our DD. I asked him not to come home tonight. Maybe a mistake, but I am so hurt. I guess it really is over. I am crying so hard. i don't know what to do. I love him so much, but i don't want him around because he pities me. I think he has been so mean so I will file and get him out of this. What am I to do?? I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

What I suggest is that you calm yourself down and get control of your emotions. You have a serious situation here and you really need to collect your wits, JM, so you can handle this. I know this is easier said than done, but please take a walk or do something to calm down.

When he comes home, it will be important to not lovebust. No crying, pleading, begging, accusing. He has never ended contact with the OW so there is no reason to keep asking if he is seeing her. Just assume he is.

But it is real important that you stop with the lovebusters now and consider doing a real Plan B. The way you are going, I feel you are just destroying your marriage and any hope of recovery with these lovebusters.

That is why I think you need to get back into Plan B before this completely destroys you. This is an extremely destructive situation, JM, and it won't get any better from doing the same thing over and over again.

But first off, please calm down and talk to us, ok? This will be ok!

I don't feel anything will be ok. I am hurting so badly. i don't understand how he can walk away from me when he sees how much I am hurting. I want to call him so bad, but I won't. Do I attempt to find out if contact is still occuring? It would be easy enough to do, but I will be involving a coworker that I'm sure doesn't know. He makes it out to be that he has fallen out of love with me. He makes it all my fault. I know it is not, but I find myself defending myself. I do have a meeting with a L in two weeks to find out my rights. Maybe a Plan B will be easier to do then when i know what I legally can do. I'm just scared that he really is gone. I love him so much. I can't imagine my life without him. I have really put him in the center of it.

JM, there is no reason to snoop. I would just assume it is taking place and proceed from that point. It will do no good to gather intelligence when he doesn't even want to stay in the marriage.

The first thing you need to is calm down so you don't fall apart when he gets home. It does not help you to tell him how hurt you are, do you understand? He doesnt feel anything right now, so telling him this only will irritate him. It will be a lovebuster.

Are you calmed down enough to have control of your emotions when he gets home? No crying, pleading, begging, accusing. Got it?

Just calm down and get through tonight. Then tomorrow, when you are calm, we can talk about a strategy, ok? You WILL BE OK.

Focus just on this for tonight:

1. Calm down

2. Get control of yourself

3. no lovebusting [no crying, pleading, begging, accusing, guilt tripping]

4. no calling him

Thank you so much. H will not be coming home tonight because i told him not to. He didn't even think twice about getting his clothes together. I took two Tylenol PM and I'm going to bed. I hope tomorrow looks brighter, but I have my doubts. Thank God I have a DD to wake up to.

Tomorrow may not be brighter, but it will be managable when you are calm enough to rationally work out a strategy. Right now your emotions are working against you. So we have all weekend to practice self control and discuss a strategy to save your nerves and maybe even your marriage. You will be ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />