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#1163020 07/25/04 02:54 PM
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I usually post on Preg/child b/c my H's affair resulted in a child, but this is a more general question. Anyone ever have an affair after finding out about your spouses affair? Not even a full fledged affair, but flirting? With self confidence at an all time low, I wonder how common it is. Anyone ever let a flirtation go a little too far? After all, after your spouse has had an affair that lasted months/years, involved lies/secrecy/sex/presents/feelings/hotel rooms/more lies/ets, and in my case a preg and a child and now child support, - doesn't everything the BS does seem so minor in comparison at this point. It almost seems like - whats the point of being so good? And all the questions that he won't answer or says I don't know, is anyone else curious to find out the answers themselves by seeing what if feels like? I'm sure most cheating spouses don't think that anyone is ever interested in their spouses, but just because they take their spouses for granted doesn't mean everyone else does, right? I am trying to rebuild my marriage so don't bash me here, just wondering if anyone has ever felt this way and acted on it.

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FTB,

Yes I acted on a one night stand shortly after I discovered my wifes affair.
It did not help matters but I just felt so undesireable at the time, and put myself in a position where someone else made me feel desireable.

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eric - thanks for the reply. I am surprised that more BS did not reply that they did the same thing, or at least thought of it. Did you tell your wife? And if you did, what was her response? I know how undesirable you feel when you are a BS, and it is so hard to get back your self esteem when your spouse has had an affair. Thanks for responding. FTB

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fortheboys,

I think a lot of BS contemplate a "revenge" affair simply for the reasons you stated: A BS feels completely unwanted and minimized by what their spouse has done.

I certainly gave it a fleeting thought. I realized, too, after a time, that I might have fallen into an affair to escape my unhappy marriage if I hadn't been so busy working to avoid having to be around my husband!!! LOL!!

So, yes, I think it is tempting to bolster one's own self-worth by seeking admiration, affection, or whatever we are missing, especially after we learn our spouse has betrayed us. I can say the thing that stopped me from taking that route was the very deep and real pain I was reeling from after d-day. I just could not put my husband through that kind of torment, no matter what he had done to me. I could never respect myself if I added to the chaos.

Instinctively I did the right thing and I am so glad I did. I turned to God to validate my worth as a person and set to work on healing my soul, psyche and marriage.

~ Snow

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Answer to your question: No, I did not. As another person put on a different post "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Thought about it? That's not what you asked, but yes. The really hard thing to understand in my situation is that for all the short comings in our marriage and all the ways I'd failed, I'd finally realized what a great guy I had right in front of me, and at the same time that I began to shower him with affections, and show him how great our marriage could be, some SYT walked by, and turned his head. My H says it was only emotional, and he stopped it before it got to physical, but the idea that I was finally giving him what he needed, and he went there anyway - it's a hard pill to swallow.

BTW, if you're contemplating a revenge affair - have faith and respect for yourself, and don't do it!!! Yes, I understand how awful it is to feel you're just not good enough for the one you're married to, but trust me, you are better than stooping. Try to keep your chin up, and keep yourself out of temptation. The easy thing to do is to go out, have a great time without the WS, and forget you're even married - but it's not worth the pain it'd cause!

Good luck,

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No I haven't but YES I have definitely thought about it. There has been lot's of neglect by WW towards me in the physical and emotional area's for quite some time, so I struggled to understood why she started the A in the first place. I have thought of doing the dirty with one or many of her new friends that have been helping her / advising her that it's OK to do what she is doing. I have also felt cheating on her with the other persons BS as I know her and she would probably feel some satisfaction in giving them a dose of their own medicine. I thought that this would be the ultimate revenge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
In the end I felt I would be almost as low as she was, so I didn't.
It's a morals based decision that only you can make for yourself, but lots of good people have offered advice on why we shouldn't. Hope this helps..

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yes, i have thought about it. i'm sorry to admit that 7 years ago (before we were married) we were at a point in our relationship where we were unsure if we wanted to take things to the next level or go our separate ways. (at least he was).what happened is i found out he was aggressively pursuing another girl. i was absolutely devastated. i packed up everything he owned and threw him out, since he refused to stop his pursuit of ow. i was miserable , cried for days, didn't eat or come out of my room for 4 days. and as an added bonus, the girl's mom would call me ,and tell me all the awful things he was saying about me. i lost all self esteem and thought i wanted to kill myself. instead i called up an old boyfriend, went out on a date, and had sex with him. i have never felt so horrible , so disgusted with myself, as i did after that. it remains one of my most shameful secrets, and with all the pain my h has inflicted on me recently, i think back to that encounter with my ex boyfriend and shudder. i would NEVER do anything like that again, i often think of flinging that in his face when i'm angry but as someone else mentioned, no matter what he's done to me, i could never hurt him that way, despite all, i still love him and hope he returns to the person he used to be. so to all who contemplate a revenge affair, don't do it. i'm walking proof that it doesn't help, only makes it worse. and we weren't even married at the time.

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F T B,,,
To answer your question,,, yes I told my wife about it,,, I am going to be straight with you.. It felt great to be wanted and yes the physical aspect was great, but only during the time I was with her,,,, as soon as The OW left it was right back to the same unwanted feeling.
So the best thing I can tell you is this,,,, yes it felt great to feel and hear how this woman wanted me.... was it what I really wanted to do to myself and my children,,,, nope.
Just last friday my wife and I had a run in with my ONS it was not pretty,, I posted about it,,, so I am now a victim of my own creation.
All I can really say is this, try not to put yourself in the position the only way I could have resisted the OW was if I had never been there. Once she made me feel good with words and told me everything I needed to hear I was dooped. Look at my post titled Scary Friday,,, down all weekend .. it will give you an example of the consequences of my revenge ONS.

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Thanks for the responses. I haven't been on the computer for a few days. I think part of the appeal is that after my H has done SO MUCH wrong, there is nothing I could do to even come close - so what could he say. I would expect a response like Eric's wife. My self esteem is just so crushed right now, and I do have men at work who are interested in me - always have. It just makes me so mad that I have said no my whole marriage and my H doesn't even realize that for me, it is a COMMON occurrence to have opportunities to have an affair. He has one beautiful women open up to him, give him his phone number, push to be his friend, carry condoms in her purse, etc. at a time when our lives were falling apart and he can't resist? I resist all the time! Part of me wants all the answers to the questions that he won't answer too. He says I don't know to so much. I want to know how you can be with someone else and then come home to your family. And I want to know from a man how he can get involved in an affair - what better way than to get the answers from someone who wants to be with me. I think part of it too is that I feel so taken for granted too. How do I get any of that back? I am up against my H having an affair with a woman who is beautiful (6 ft, blond, blue eyes, former model) although I have never seen her. I think that is part of the problem. I am none of those things - short and dark hair with a few extra pounds although I have been told I am good looking I don't feel it any more. I am very aware of how an affair starts after being through this, so I am not stupid to starting friendships with men, etc. I just don't know how to feel good about myself and being a woman again, even though my H tells me I am beautiful and we have a good sex life. I constantly feel compared to this model, (who I only picture in my head) and I always fall short and feel bad about myself. I feel very vulnerable to doing something stupid now and do have the opportunities. I know the pain it causes, but in my case I think most of the pain comes from the fact that the A resulted in a child, which is a whole other issue. I'm so confused about how I feel, and my H doesn't realize no matter how much I tell him. I don't know what to do.

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I am so loveless that I would give anything for a warm touch, a kiss....But just in case there is some tiny part of my WW that still cares for me I could not visit upon her the devastation that her A has visited upon me. It is reconciliation i crave not revenge on my WW.

I would consider a 'companionship' A but I know there is no such thing. My WWs A started like that, as most PAs do.

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After my A (14 years ago) my BH had an A (his A#1).

With the A that lead me here (his A#2) I made it a point to say that that cycle would not repeat itself. As much as I thought about it, wouold have loved to hear someone counter all the nastiness visted on me -- I didn't.

I took pains to close myself off from those I felt vunerable to and erected more "boundaries" and "barriers" than normal - just to make sure.

That sort of bit me in the butt however. In the first few weks after d-day I told 2 women (my sister and a friend).. I did not tell my closest friend from childhood, a guy -- I tried, i started a few letters to him .. I sent one to him that didn't say much, just talked about regret. He wrote back a very wonderful encouraging letter, full of hope and life.

I should have poured everything out to him at that time, I really did need to talk to him. But I couldn't take the risk that I would do something inappropriate. So I never said anything.

Later that year he fell into a deep depression and committed suicide during this last winter. He letter full of hope and life is the last one I ever received from him... it's one I cherish.

I wish I would have poured out my problems to him -- we both viewed each other as the "fire department" ... but never pulled the alarm when we needed to. (I should have also gone to him when H#1 was beating the crap out of me, but didn't).

I will forever regret not telling him, but I do not regret making sure I did not have an affair to "ease" "cure" my pain.

way2


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