Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
#1166629 08/05/04 03:53 PM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
K
K Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
Hi Dylan,

I wish I had a quick 3 point plan that would take this all and fix it... but I don't.

The bottom line from your end appears that you need some time to heal yourself, and attempt to recover this marriage, but in a way that does not expect intimacy from you. And deut needs to do much work with regards to fidelity in this marriage---without regard to his needs for sex. I wonder how the two of you would do if you could stick to a plan for the rest of this year in which you cared for the kids, cared for each other, and maintained fidelity (sexual and otherwise) in this relationship for the period. I wonder how you'd feel about the family, and about your life together. It's not an insurmountable task---but it'd take work and dedication...


You asked:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">did your W ever recover her sexual health?...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The answer is, to date, no. And I think you nicely illustrated this with this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">, I really don't care if I am ever intimate physically again...there are other means and other forms of it for me to search out...sex is ruined....its cheap, dirty and just unattractive to me now...look at what it gets us...look what happens if you are a slave to it....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very much how my wife feels. Now granted, it's for the most part self-inflicted about what she did during the affair that has her feeling the same way as you do---but regardless of how the feelings got there, they take work to deal with.

She's starting to explore avenues to deal with this again (counseling). But this is no excuse for me to go off and have an affair, or run to divorce my wife. My job in the marriage is to meet my wife's needs (to my capabilities), to be honest with her about my needs and how she's doing, and to protect myself from situations that would lead to an affair.

That's what bugs me about deut---he doesn't seem to take the need to protect himself from those situations seriously at all. Like an alcoholic who shouldn't be hanging around bars; deut shouldn't be within 50 yards of available women.

Keeping the two of you in my prayers... I wish I knew how to get you two unstuck and out of this pattern.

#1166630 08/06/04 08:44 PM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 840
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 840
Hello K, Dylan and Dewt,

It's been awhile since I have commented on any of Dewt's posts, the reasons being 2fold...

I stopped post to him
1) Because (as you posted K, he just doesn't get it ... talk the talk - yes but following through??? not a chance. I do believe he felt he was doing a fairly good Plan A, however, how can you truely be in Plan A when you are following your libido and pointing fingers .... like it's been said before he just doesn't get it.

and
2) Not sure if you recall, but he mentioned reading some letters from a long time MBer, while reading through Dylan's email ... well I was pretty certain it was me. I wrote to her at length about his marriage sabatoging actions while he knew full well what the outcome would be and challanged her to look at those actions for what they were. I felt there was no real reason to post to him because he would take anything that I might say as worth a grain of salt and didn't want to deter from some of the advice that was given that was similar to what I would have posted. (make sense at all???)

That being said, I would have to agree with pretty much everything K has said in regards to the relationship - or lack thereof at hand. However, I honestly believe that for both of these wonderful and dear people that MC would be pointless at this time. They are both carrying so much hurt and emotional baggage from childhood, teen years, young adulthood and their marriage that I would recommend individual counselling first and foremost to deal with their own stuff before either of them are ready for any type of relationship - with each other or otherwise. I have stated this to Dewt in posts and spoken to Dylan about this as well.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents for what it's worth ...

Love and prayers to all

Nicole

#1166631 08/06/04 09:24 PM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,022
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,022
it isn't really all that fixable....

maybe life is just a rock song...this one being Nickelback's "Someday"...

"someday, somehow, gonna make it alright, but not right now..."

there are no 3 point plans for a situation like this...

there is nothing for a situation like this...

I am however happy to hear your wife is in counseling, and hope to follow in her footsteps shortly...

and no, Dewt does not protect himself...and I can no longer play the role of protectress...

and I'll say thank you for the prayers and ask that you keep them coming....even a restructured relationship can use prayers...

lord knows, we definately need them...

much love to you, K and to your wife...

Nicole...hey you....

you're right.

counseling....for us as people...not as a couple...I believe both of us could only benefit from it..

I said that i truly believe that we are no use to each other in our present damaged states...let alone inviting other people into our lives...the issues run long and deep....for both of us...how right you are...

so MC would be pointless, and I do not forsee a long future in posting here to Marriage BUILDERS...sigh...I do indeed wish it were for the right reasons...don't think I have no regrets...my gosh...that list is probably as long as my list of resentments...therapy will help...

I have the bizarre experience of sitting here, posting to MB, and Dewt has just left, showered and smelling all pretty, for his evening out at the bars....

LOL

this is soooo weird....I'm posting to a marriage building site while he is out on the town...I, who's choice ended the marriage...he, who held tenaciously on......the irony will someday strike me as humorous, I'm sure....

have I mentioned how weird this is?

I told him to be careful, and he promised to take a cab if too inebriated to drive...

I understand the "I just got divorced...need a beer and some company" mentality...I worked in a bar long enough to see it nightly...

eek!!!!


why do I feel like a mom whose teenager just went out?...

Dewt, be safe, be careful, have fun...

goodnight, I have an ear infection, am in tremendous pain, and am calling it a night...

unlike a mom whose teenager just went out, I will not be waiting up, worriedly....
Dylan

#1166632 08/07/04 12:00 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798


<small>[ August 07, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

#1166633 08/07/04 11:18 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
You know, my mother used to play this game with me - if you keep your room clean for a month - perfectly clean, then you can go to a friend's house. One day of negligence after 28 days of perfection and the calendar starts over.

Then the game shifted to a shorter period of time with the whole house being immaculate. Keep the house clean for a week, then you can play.

She played it with my brother to get him to stop smoking. Six months clean and I'll let you buy a Mach I.

None of us ever succeeded at that game. Instead, I went through my entire childhood without being able to go to a friend's house, or to have a friend come over to my house.

My sister found a way to break the rules - have her friends join the 4-H club, then they'd get to come over for meetings, and if they played after, no problemo!

Whatever. Games that rob you of hope in a positive outcome are viscous little games that have only the ability to suck the success-abilities out of a person.

This is what you have done to Dewt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by soulloss:
well, yes...and watching this over the past months does not allow for many love units to be deposited...JUST AS my fence sitting and keeping him in limbo did nothing to increase the units I was depositing....

I guess I expected better, or just different....I was the wayward...it was expected that I would be in a "fog", that I would fence sit...these are earmarked qualities in a WS....

I think I hoped for better behaviour from Dewt....even if I was embroiled in my fence-sitting....

even without a plan for recovery, I felt we both understood that the no-dating and celibate aspect was the only way to go without "rocking the boat"....giving us both the time required to heal, and be able to pursue romantic entanglements when healed, whole and able to contribute something positive in a relationship...even if the relationships were not with each other...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">where have I read that you were celebate during this time. Was this a rule that applied only to Dewt, while you dangled your daliance with another woman in his face????
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

yes, he is unwilling to stick by what we initially discussed...but admittedly because of his weakmness for emotional contact...that it is need to be held, kissed, touched and admired that has him in a mental place where he just wanted to know from me where we really stood, so thaat if he found himself in aposition to accept affection, he would not feel as if he were "betraying" us...

.
.
.
.
.
I am 36, and have not the strngth required anymore to see Dewt through walking and talking his talk...I have watched his attempts and closed my eyes in pain...knowing him to be floundering, and hoping and praying ...but I could not help him..he needed to see where and what his decisions would bring him and then deal with his consequences...I feel like I have been, at times, raising an adolescent for many years....and I needed to invest in "tough love"...well...
.
.
.
.
.

this disaster is, on BOTH our parts, what we have reaped..I could and perhaps should have spoken more about my intent to come back here, watch him, see if the changes he purported to be making were truly something he was working on, but everytime I'd look, was when he coincidentally would "stumble"......
.
.
.
.
.
.

I remember phone calls in which he promised that he would become the man I needed him to be, .
.
.
.
.
...then bam...his rollercoaster (that most BS's ride)would kick in, he was left in limbo, succumbed to it, .
.
.
.

then bam...

I have no more faith..

I now believe that all these "stumble" were his own exit moves....
Dylan</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dylan, I know you're saying it's not ALL his fault... But you pretty much do lay it all on him. He was supposed to be Superman while you dangled your contempt for him in his face with this other woman. You pretty much already told him very publically that he had no chance to win your heart. That killed his heart and in his hopelessness turned to the one who hated you beyond all other beings...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">bottomline....I am stubborn ..I cannot forgive the last indiscretion...my affair or not, I cannot forgive intimacy with the antichrist...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All sin is sin. All sin belongs to the antichrist. The antichrist is not embodied in just one person. Your contempt for your husband is anti-christ. His turning to a wicked woman likewise.

Until you see that all sin is sin - and will keep you from the presence of God, you cannot put your sin as "lessor" than his.

Get some therapy, Dylan. Whether or not you ultimately forgive and move on, your children depend upon you being "poison-free". And your stubbornness in this wise will hurt them every bit as much as it will hurt you and Dewt.

#1166634 08/08/04 12:00 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
D
dewt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
“Now a human caught in an impossibility often responds by a retreat from reality: by entry into a world of delusion, or by taking a drink, going off into hysteria, or jumping off a bridge. It all comes to the same thing- a refusal or inability to face the situation squarely.” -Isaac Asimov

The key to my infidelity lies more within this statement than within my libido.

There are a few other things I feel compelled to address and a few other things I’ve just got to get off my chest.

Like for example, how is it that what Dylan posts is perfectly understandable and what I post is pointing fingers? I don’t remember ever placing all of the blame for this situation on Dylan’s shoulders. I do know that some of her actions have hurt me beyond reckoning and that I’ve brought some of that here in an attempt to ‘unload’ it and find some sympathetic support. That’s different than blaming. I challenge anyone to link me to a post where I hold Dylan soley responsible for this situation.

There has been no push or pressure from me to resume intimacy. What I had been wanting is a commitment to take the steps neccesary to save this marriage. A simple statement of, “I want to save this marriage” would have gone a loooooong way. My assumption was that intimacy would follow naturally, in time. Sex is not the be-all end-all of my existence. To be sure it’s important, but there are other things that are much more critical.

K, to address directly some of your statements:

So, you've been together for a month or so---and he's unwilling to stick by the original agreement. The threat he uses is "put out, or I'll see my X for some animal sex, just like a few months ago..."

No, there is no threat, pressure or anything from me to have Dylan “put out”. I do not view sex in that way. In fact, if I feel that my partner is simply ‘putting out’, I lose interest in having sex with that person. What I’ve been wanting from Dylan is a little deeper than that.

The bottom line is that, from your POV, I bet this marriage is recoverable. But Deut has got to back up the talk with real, accountable actions.

Sorry, but recovery is going to take more than this. I accept my share of the responsibility for the state of things, but I don’t accept that everything points back to me. I do not have the fortitude to bear this burden alone. Clearly this has been proven repeatedly.

So Deut---what's it going to be? More talk and self-sabotage??

No more talk. I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m not interested in setting myself up for yet another cataclysmic failure. Better to accept Dylan’s desire to end it and move on.

Your feelings of loathing for him sexually could change---given a strong demonstration of self-control on deut's part…

The 5 years of demonstrating self-control and fidelity did nothing to alter Dylan’s sexual feelings towards me. To be sure she didn’t loathe the thought of my touch, but it’s not like there was any real desire exhibited either. In fact I’d grown to accept that Dylan was just not really like that. ‘Course for two months I got to live through a situation where I witnessed first hand that hunger in her- only it was directed elsewhere. And again, it’s not about the sex, it’s all about what’s behind the sex.

2long,

Communication. Whoop-de-do. What good is it when it’s not ever followed up with actions? I cannot count the conversations we’ve had that seemed awesome at the time and yet never yielded any fruit. As people are so fond of pointing out to me, talk is cheap.

My advice? Work 2gether on this. Stop harping on unmet ENs (the scope of misinterpretation regarding ENs and personal responsibility in these sitches is really starting 2 piss me off). Give a little and meet the other's ENs from time 2 time just because it's the right thing 2 do, and stop fretting over whether some past wrong (recent or ancient, it doesn't matter) is insurmountable or not.

Ka-tching. Thank you.

Orchid,

Dewt, I know you are tired and hurt. Not getting your needs met and being on both sides of the fence is a hard place t/b. You have by your own actions worn out your wife's welcome mat for you. Knowing you can't fix the past, you now are left with your children, someone who is not willing to be your W and your future. Does that sum it up?

Excellently. Only tired is not word. Overwhelmed would be closer to the mark. I have felt that I’ve been facing the impossible. That I’m doomed no matter what I do. I don’t handle no-win situations very well. I think that’s been pretty obvious.

Needs eventually take over if not controlled for the right reasons and abstainance is not always an acceptable option.

Sex is a by-product of my needs. Not the need itself. If it were just about sex, abstinance would have been a lot more possible for me. But there’s something much much deeper at work here. Something that seems to be a lot stronger than my resolve.

My question to both of you is what are each of you willing to do for your family? Be married or divorce?

I tried, within the limits of my abilities, to fight for the marriage. At this point, I’m willing to give in and give Dylan’s way a shot. I don’t have high hopes for this arrangement either. But after spending a lot of time introspecting while she was away, I have to be straight up honest and admit that I just don’t have the emotional faculties to continue the fight without her fighting by my side. I am not so blind that I cannot see patterns and this one has just worn too thin.

But you can't stay in limbo and expect to keep living as if all is well.

No. You are right. And I refuse to pretend that I can anymore. I’d just be setting myself up for another failure and like most of you I step back, look at myself and shake my head sadly.

Limbo, hopelessness, impossible situations… that is my undoing. Not uncontrollable sexual urges.

Nicole,

I admit I’m upset with you. I called you for help. I know I have trouble ‘getting it’ and was hoping you could help me understand. I was hoping your advice to Dylan would be for her to face these issues with me and find a better way to handle it. Instead, I felt that you were validating her behaviour and shifting all the blame onto me. Your comments about the OP left me feeling quite betrayed. You pointed fingers at me that were outdated, and when I tried to discuss/argue, you said I just didn’t get it and wrote me off. I was wanting support and help and felt instead that you were commiserating with Dylan with regards to what a loser I was rather than encouraging her to meet the situation head on and find a pro-active solution.

And again, if you say that I’ve just been following my libido and pointing fingers, then you don’t understand or maybe I’m just still not getting it. You challenged her to look at my sabotaging actions for what they were. What exactly were they? Do you know?

Lori,

Easy. Well, not that it will make a difference, but I did turn down quite a few opportunities. I was certainly not as easy as I have a history of being. Please nobody jump on me cause I’m not looking for pats on the back. I know and accept that my failures along the way outweigh my successes.

And no, I didn’t do it. I was not as solid as I should have been. I know I need counselling and I have many issues to heal. Perhaps if I did not carry my own scars and if I was not damaged and crippled in the specific ways that I am I would have done much better. I think it’s time for me to accept my limits and not try to take on loads that I’m ill-equipped to handle.

Dylan,

There are many things you posted that I wish to reply to. But I’m going to stop writing now. Please don’t think I’m ignoring stuff you’ve posted.

KaylaAndy,

Whatever. Games that rob you of hope in a positive outcome are viscous little games that have only the ability to suck the success-abilities out of a person.

The word 'game' kinda implies a concious, mean-spirited manipulation. I honestly don't think that is the case here. Not conciously, in any case. And I don't think of Dylan as mean-spirited, either. But the point is still the same, isn't it.

I do feel that way; that had the parameters been different, I would have done a better job of keeping my room clean. A clearer sense of hope for the future would have certainly helped me avoid the feeling of utter hopelessness that drives me to seriously upset the applecart. Thanks for the perspective.

Anyway, gotta go. Thanks everyone for posting. Ciao.

dewt

#1166635 08/08/04 12:40 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Dewt & Dylan,

Dewt, thanks for responding.

Of course there are always 2 sides to everything and it must be hard to read both here @ MB, so I
give you both credit for posting.

Even before the both of your posted your last responses, the 1 thing that stood out to me is how young you both are. Yet at this young age (yep, 30ish is young - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), you both sound old and worn. Not a good sign. How are you both going to be when you actually get old? You know you can't bring back your youth, yet u 2 are wearing it out quickly over what? These A's?

I thought you both were smarter than that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now you both need to look at your babies, know that today is their life, their youth and you are growing out of yours. Make the most of that time because it will never never come back again.

Even if the 2 of you split up and find others, you can never ever replace this time of your lives.

How will your little ones remember their childhood? Their dad with an OW and their mom with another OW? That c/b how your children see it. Want them to have that pix to carry around for life? Where that put them when they reach your age?

Ok, enough of my soapbox talk. I will step down. Just had to say it and hope you each have the stomache enough to digest this mouthful.

For some strange and silly reason, I like the 2 of you. Not sure why. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I want to see succeed as a family (not advocating D or M). Maybe U 2 are just sooo young, I hate to see waste.

Well, maybe this post fell on deaf ears. It has happened before.

Anywhoz, hugz to you all,

L.

#1166636 08/07/04 01:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
dewt:

"2long, Communication. Whoop-de-do. What good is it when it’s not ever followed up with actions?"

It's better than no communication, which is also not followed up by actions. Only, lack of commincation doesn't even give you a clue what the other is thinking.

"I cannot count the conversations we’ve had that seemed awesome at the time and yet never yielded any fruit."

Neither can I. So... ...if there's no "fruit", what is responsible for that? Not communication, I submit. Lack of intent. Communicate about that.

"As people are so fond of pointing out to me, talk is cheap."

And if talk is cheaper than actions, where does lack of communication rank?

""My advice? Work 2gether on this. Stop harping on unmet ENs (the scope of misinterpretation regarding ENs and personal responsibility in these sitches is really starting 2 piss me off). Give a little and meet the other's ENs from time 2 time just because it's the right thing 2 do, and stop fretting over whether some past wrong (recent or ancient, it doesn't matter) is insurmountable or not.""

Ka-tching. Thank you."

You're welcome. I'm done with this mental mas2rbation nonsense. I've got better things 2 do with my time.

-ol' 2long

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

#1166637 08/07/04 04:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
D
dewt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
Orchid, thanks so much for your kind words. Wise too. I have been keeping up with the thread and wrote out responses. I never clicked send though, because (yes, I do learn) I knew I wasn't 'getting it' and was just reacting. Never a good idea.

'ol 2long,

Y'know what? You're right. Sometimes it's easy to forget the blessings that we do have.

You raise some excellent points. (about the communicating re: lack of intent)

And also please understand that while I've been hurt pretty bad by all this and the before, to me there is nothing insurmountable about the past. It's the past. Not meaning that it should be forgotten or ignored... more like what's done cannot be undone but the future is yet unwritten and where should we focus our energies?

In an odd twist, I kinda have to take that philosophy to heart now that we're 'done' as well.

dewt

#1166638 08/07/04 04:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Dewt,

If you have the strength and time, please read the following link and look up the references provided by Whaler. I think in addition to MB, these are insightful.

Whaler's post

Hope this helps.

L.

#1166639 08/07/04 05:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
D
dewt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1166640 08/08/04 05:14 PM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
All of this just makes me incredibly sad. I will be the first to admit that I am extremely biased in this situation. Dylan and I have been friends for almost five years now, brought together by the common tragedy of unfaithful husbands. Sometimes we did nothing more than commiserate, sometimes we held each other up, sometimes we pulled each other through. She is one of the very few people who really knew what I was going through, who understood how hard this is.

One of the most difficult parts was actually getting better, but knowing that Dylan wasn't. Dylan never recovered. Partly because her needs weren't being met, and partly because there were so many other problems to deal with that recovering from the affair was put on the back burner. I probably wasn't as good of a friend as I should have been and could have been.

God knows I am not the poster child for recovery. There are days, even after all these years, when I think this is just more than I can bear. And I'm certainly not the MB expert that K is. But I do know this much. In all the years that I have been an MB member, I've never known of anyone posting more than a few times who had actually given up on their marriage. Even on the Divorce board the members are still trying to learn and make the best of every situation.

I believe that Dylan and Dewt both have hopes and dreams for their relationship. They are both feeling tired, hopeless, maybe even defeated. The task seems insurmountable, and they don't feel up to the challenge. As a Christian, I know that all things are possible, but I also know that God expects up to do our part of the work. And the amount of work in recovering a marriage is huge in any case, much more so in this one. I doubt it can be done without total committments from both of them, and maybe not even then.

If they decide to try to salvage their relationship, I will do what I can to help. If they decide to alter their relationship to be co-parents and nothing more, I will be supportive. If they decide to continue on their present course, I will tell them that I think they are wrong. I will continue to love them and pray for them no matter what. And I will always be a friend to both, though will always have a closer relationship with Dylan.

It's really up the them, isn't it?

Peppermint

#1166641 08/08/04 09:51 PM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,022
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,022
Orchid...what "behaviour" specifically are you referring to?.....how am I using my children to bring more hurt to their dad??

I am not being obtuse on purpose...I just don't understand...


there is no limbo...Dewt wanted a definitive answer from me...he gave me time to think aobut my answer, then on tuesday, we talked, the contents of which are divulged in the prior posts...but the gist of it is that Dewt can live what life he pleases ..we have discussed boundries and rules, have reached agreement, and know we will have to finetune..

really, the point is moot now....truly...I had a flutter in my gut earlier today...and asked Dewt outright if he was seeing someone and he answered "maybe"...

he met her on friday night, went out again saturday, and has gone out for a few hours this evening....

the point is now moot.

all points really, are moot...

it's all about adjusting....

and breathing....

and smiling up at god when you hear the words "you reap what you sow" in the back of your head.

Dewt is dating..

the point is moot.

I am human, and contrary to what Dewt has stated here on MB, am not completely heartless...I obviously will have some adjusting to do...no one said it would be easy.....

and if anything ever became serious in terms of a relationship for dewt, well, that would have to be addressed then...

if dewt has the opportunity to be really happy, I love him enough to not be a hinderence...I would gracefully "exit" the scene...the details of mini-dewt et al being the only point of discussion....that's why this is so sad for those that know us...there is a huge amount of love there...tarnished and buried, but it's there...it will always be there...

I just hope he's safe...I worry for him..he rushing...he is not a bar guy...I believe he stated that here on many of his posts...well, now he is...I understand his need for social interaction..

hell, I went from being a bartender to living in a 3 bedroom box that I rarely leave...

it's all about adjusting....

and I now need to adjust to the fact that Dewt is dating, and that he "may" have met someone he would like to see occasionally....

amazing what can happen to you since Tuesday...


I'm going to head over to the Divorce boards now...

I might not quite be ready to abandon MB yet..

have a good night...


Dylan

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: soulloss ]</small>

#1166642 08/09/04 08:19 AM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
K
K Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
deut:

In regards to the title of this post---you didn't surrender. You quit. Without truly getting into the game. Explain that to your children in 10 years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t handle no-win situations very well. I think that’s been pretty obvious.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think what's obvious to me is that you don't handle any situation particularly well.

You're out dating this weekend. That's a super idea. Very mature and responsible.

#1166643 08/09/04 10:12 AM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,022
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,022
K, what else was he to do?....

you've read his postings, perhaps have an idea as to the intensity of his "needs" as well as the intensity of his "hopelessness"...

he himself in his first posting here, 11 days after he left me, states that he is already starving for affection...

he has never been alone (girlfriendless)...the space of time between sex with the ex (april 24) and this past weekend, is the LONGEST he has EVER gone without steady or casual female companionship...


as he himself would ask you:

was he expected to sit around this tiny apartment which is one big room and 3 bedrooms, "pining" for me?...having me in his sights, not being able to touch or hug, or have any physical attachment to?...

to Dewt, it may seem very important to "exorcise the ghost of me"...

replacing me in his wants and needs may be the only way for him to do it...

I don't know, maybe I am just trying still after all this, to protect and justify for him....

yes, trying to entice me back to our marriage while satiating his needs and having sex/relationships with different partners was probably not among the best decisions he made in his life, but he did make them, and in all fairness to him, I am the one that is unable to live with him as a wife knowing these scenarios occurred.....

having him state here on Marriage Builders that he is trying to save a marriage, but knowing that unposted, there lies another truth was hurtful...having these sexual weaknesses filled was hurtful...learning about the steady girlfriend from mutual friends was hurtful...having him tell me during the April visit about his one night stand with a lady he met online who wanted just sex (this encounter was in February), that was painful as well...his decision less than 10 days later after my visit, to indulge in sex with the ex (learning about that here, in a post was more traumatic than I can ever explain)...because she wanted him, and by god, when someone sexually/intmately wants Dewt, then he cannot help himself...he responds..the lack of openess and honesty from him during that time (I never learned any of it from his own mouth, so to speak....friends saw the girlfriedns car parked at the hotel they stayed in for a weekend)...all these things led me to experience my own hopelessness...all these things were hurtful....just as my decision to watch from the sidelines to see what behaviour would come from him next, and thusly leaving him in limbo was excrutiatingly hurtful to him....

but he may not know any other way for himself...

before exiting any relationship, Dewt usually has the "new girl" waiting in the wings...that is his pattern...

as he said to me yesterday...at least he has changed that behaviour...to him, this is a positive baby step in his maturing process...this one wasn't waiting in the wings per se, just waiting for friday night...

again, a thank you, for your patience and your perseverance, K...

much of my thoughts are unformed, and as I said in my "conflict about where to post thread"....I will process these and hopefully we can both heal

Dyaln

#1166644 08/09/04 11:20 AM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
dewt:

If what Dylan is saying is true, then you really have 2uit, not surrendered (true surrender is a healthy thing 2 do - but you haven't done that).

Why do you keep posting here?

I keep going back 2 what I said earlier about ENs. You are responsible for your own happiness, not dylan. Not your kids. And while you HAVE kids, you are responsible for nur2ring them. That takes precedence over your ENs. You had them, take full responsibility for them and prioritize that properly.

No dating. Don't be a selfish, s2pid, rutting fool.

-ol' 2long

#1166645 08/09/04 03:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by soulloss:
<strong> Orchid...what "behaviour" specifically are you referring to?.....how am I using my children to bring more hurt to their dad??

Dylan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Making an observation here but it seems that when Dewt gets his act together (even if for a while), Dylan goes out and trashes her life.
Then the tables turn and Dylan clears from the fog a bit, then Dewt got bezerko.

Seems like the losing end of all this is the kids. They continue to have a single parent family environment. The frustrating part is that 2 bodies continue to bounce in and out of their lives.

Dylan, I hope the above answers your question.
I am not saying just your actions have hurt the children but both you and dewt's actions have hurt the children.

This is a vicious cycle u 2 are running in. The children are in the middle of a cyclone of distrust. Both of your needs and that of your family are not being met.

Since you can't control each other (tho' you should be able to be influential on each other - RH, POJA, etc.), what are you going to do about the part within your control? How will that impact, you, the children, dewt?

BTW, the same question goes for dewt.

I care for you both waaay tooo much and we have never met.

#1166646 08/09/04 11:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
D
dewt Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
Well, I've read your posts and instead of letting off with a round of insane explanatory arguements I'll quietly admit I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have only the barest of ideas why I'm doing it.

I have a lot to think about.

#1166647 08/09/04 11:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dewt:
<strong> Well, I've read your posts and instead of letting off with a round of insane explanatory arguements I'll quietly admit I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have only the barest of ideas why I'm doing it.

I have a lot to think about. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Acknowledgement is a start. After you have mulled this over a while, let us know how we can help. U 2 have a lot more support than most do, I hope you both realize it.

For some crazy reason, I see u 2 as a couple of young uns needing reassurance trying desparately but not hard enough. It is a crazy mixed up place to be.

I think you both have a want list too long and a try list too short. I saw another couple do this. Do you remember H2Y and his W? She is the WS who won't give up the abusive OM. When H2Y decided to not wait anymore, he went out and found there were ladies willing to take him as is. Yep, he is not a bad looking guy and welp, women would stand in line. Even in Texas. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

The point is when this happened, his W came back and posted here @ MB. H2Y has been here for years yet he found himself before square 1. He was tired of trying to make it work and when he gave up, she accused him of not wanting her. Well he probably just couldn't anymore.

I worry about him and his W, there are 2 of his own and 3 step sons affected by their at least 5 year stint of dealing with the A. The prime years of their lives wasted on endless push and pull.

To see that happen again hurts me deeply. Yet my hurt is no where's near what is happening to your children and you both.

I can't even raise the 2x4 to beat you with. I think you'd like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> This is just not normal.

Dewt, when is your next vacation? How do you plan to spend it?

Dylan when is your next vacation? How do you plan to spend it?

How did you each spend the prior 2 years worth of vacations?

How do you think you s/b spending it?

Please don't blow anymore years. You won't get a 2nd chance. Life is not as forgiving and allowing you to relive your prime years. Take it from someone pushing 50. I keep trying to push it away and it keeps gaining on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

#1166648 08/09/04 11:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
I am posting my comments regarding the thread started by Dylan here because what I am about to say maybe considered disrespectful judgement to Dylan but I just can't help it. My apologies in advance to dewt if this upsets you. Let me know and I will remove it. Sorry for borrowing your thread.

Dylan, the title on your thread: "Conflict as to where to post...and other stuff.....not for you, Dewt. " This is very disrespectful. While you have the right to post any title within MB guidelines but given the current set of circumstances it does not make you look well. Maybe you don't mean it that way but that is how it appears.

JMHO,
L.

Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5