um... er... ehhh...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(really there's more to it than that, but that'll do for now)

J

Ok... got a few free seconds...

K... I did not pawn the responsibility off on Dylan so that you would stop bugging me. If I really really wanted to be free of your bugging, I'd just stop posting and reading here. Simpler. Less complicated. Fact is, even if I don't have a chance to reply, I check in frequently. Usually, 2 to 15 times per day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wanted Dylan to call Penny because the fact is what I need most... more than anything... is direction. And as much as I appreciate and see the wisdom in your counsel, the direction I need/want is going to come from Dylan.

I'm aching to exhibit good marital behaviour. Moreso, I desire a reason to exhibit said behaviour. And it's important that the reason have a point to it- not just be another elaborate setup to land me in a situation that I'm ill-equipped to handle.

I understand she's hesitant to commit to saving this marriage. Today, in an effort to step things down, make things simpler, relieve some of the pressure, I asked her if she would settle for being in a 'committed relationship' with me. She said no. Meanwhile though, if she's not willing to commit at least to that, then why is she expecting me to act like it???

I understand how it could be painful for her to watch me date and start building something with someone else and out of respect for her feelings, I've put th'ol kaibosh on the girlfriend thing - (though I'm still seeing her socially- just not intimately) but not for the sake of our marriage, soley for the sake of not being the source of Dylan's pain.

Anyway.... blah blah blah... John goes a ramblin on again...

The point is I asked Dylan to contact Penny because I was hoping Penny could at least help her decide which way she wanted to go. I'd be more than happy to join Dylan in recovery, counselling, heck, anything she wants...

But what the heck does she want???

I'm just not willing to go this alone... and certainly not willing to go this if there isn't any point to it.

So, meanwhile, yay... it's back to limbo-land for me... hoorah. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

J

Good deal Deut!!!

Hey, um K... I could really use a hot tub for our M... can I have them send the bill to you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oh, and a boat... too...

Doesn't have to be a big boat

Dewt,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm aching to exhibit good marital behaviour. Moreso, I desire a reason to exhibit said behaviour.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? Truly?? Seriously??? Nothing I've seen out of you in the last few years indicates that this is true. Good marital behavior can exist in a vacuum---and you're not doing it.

Start. The only reasons you should need are because you're married and you have a child together. But---enough lectures for now. I can see why Dylan wouldn't want to "commit" to a relationship with you---you don't have a great track record of behaving well when things get tough. It's the same reason you "need direction" from her. Regardless---if the two of you can show up for counseling at the same time---I have confidence that you can work these issues out. But it's going to be work.

Why should you??? I was just at a co-worker's wife's wake yesterday. She was tragically killed in an auto accident. They have three kids who are all a couple years older than our brood. You never know what life is going to throw you---you don't always have the luxury of waiting until tomorrow. This women didn't---beloved wife, terrific mom, great teacher, community volunteer. There were hundreds of people there yesterday evening.

Medic---you need a hot tub and boat?? No problem... I'm going next week to a meeting to accept an industry award (complete with oversized novelty check). Only bad news is that the conference is in the path of Ivan---so it may get blown out of my hands before I get a chance to cash it...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

"Nothing I've seen out of you in the last few years indicates that this is true."

Well, of course not. It's not like I come here to post about all the great things going on... and neither does Dylan, for that matter. And it's not like I'm going to start up a list of all the terrific things I've done over the years. But please let me assure you that in many ways I'm a pretty decent man. And I have the potential to be even better. I do need some help unlocking that potential though...

[/b]"The only reasons you should need are because you're married and you have a child together."[/b]

Ok... but please consider that 9 months ago my Wife 'left me' for another person. And the fact that we have a child together wasn't enough reason for her to reconsider her actions. And, over the past nine months, she's been consistent in not wanting to approach reconciliation. And again, yes, I've given her plenty reason not to want to... but I've also tried to exhibit good behaviour and when that did happen, it wasn't acknowledged or encouraged... only overshadowed by finger pointing and ambiguity.

Gripe, gripe, gripe, moan, complain, whine...

Also, what kind of Dad do you think I was during her affair, when my heart was breaking and I was losing weight at a record rate. When I was insomniac and cracking at the seams... when I was falling apart and unable to concentrate at work or home... Do you think I want to return to that? How good a parent can I possibly be when all I really want to do is die, or crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out?

I tell you again... for someone maybe less damaged than me, maybe more mature or centered, good marital behaviour can exist in a vacume... but not for me. That vacume is soul sucking and like a huge fog machine for me. It clouds my thinking and makes the most insane, stupid things seem perfectly reasonable and rational.

I tell you again, I am capable of good marital behaviour, and am aching to be a good Husband. But this is NOT something I can do alone. It's not even something I WANT to do alone.

This marriage CAN be saved, but it's going to take the two of us!!!

I'm ready and willing to show up for counselling. All I'm waiting for is for Dylan to say/show the same.

Even the simplest statements from her can make all the difference. But if she's unwilling to take even those basic steps, how in the world can I be expected to put my heart and soul on the line again...

Again, I ask you, how can I be expected to put my heart and soul on the line again?

Believe me, I want to... but not if the only assurances I have are that it will be fruitless and painful?

And I know that we don't always have the luxury of waiting till tommorrow. I myself was in a car accident this winter, and was very lucky that I wasn't tossed through the windshield and killed outright.

I'm also aware that as this insane situation goes on, that daily the pain is deepened. I'm speaking mainly for myself here, but I imagine that it's the same for Dylan.

J

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm ready and willing to show up for counselling. All I'm waiting for is for Dylan to say/show the same.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's the one working on making the appointment with Penny. I would say at this point she's the one taking the lead...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I ask you, how can I be expected to put my heart and soul on the line again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you want this marriage to continue. It is going to require a great risk on both of your parts to make this work. Believe me, I know this is hard and the thought of sticking your big toe in these treacherous waters is terrifying. You keep saying you need her involvement...well..she needs yours too.

Y'all are still in my prayers and thoughts.

VL/Jodi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by K:
<strong> She's the one working on making the appointment with Penny. I would say at this point she's the one taking the lead... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh... correction: she's emailed Penny to ask about the sliding scale. Nothing was mentioned about making an appointment. Not in her email, and not since. How much 'work' is involved in calling/emailing and setting a time and date? Particularily if you have offered to pick up the first bill? (which I soooooooo much appreciate, btw) Seriously. The 'work' involved in that is about... ohhh, 5 minutes. Plus about 20 seconds to tell me where and when to show up.

And, to just be clear, I'm not asking/expecting her to 'take the lead'. I'm just looking for an indication that we have the same final goal in mind. Direction. Purpose.

It's really quite simple, from my point of view. Just one simple statement of purpose. And then we can set off on this course together. Neither one of us has to take the lead. In fact, as I've said before, and to echo Jodi's statement, this is going to take both of us. We've tried before, alternating between one and the other, taking the lead.

See where it's gotten us? Forgive me if I'm not enthusiatic about more of the same.

John