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Joined: Jan 2003
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way2 Offline OP
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For two years now I have been through the extremes that most BS go through .. I ranted and raved, vented and broke dishes, I cried and cried until I could cry no more -- and I never thought I could live through the pain.

I have called OW#2 every name in the book -- but I also will defend her on MB. I forgave her a year later, but we will never be friends again. While I have forgiven her I will not say she is guiltless -- yes it's the pc thing to release the OP from any responsibility for the affair – but it’s not true, correct or right.

"If it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else." - OP

"It's all the MPs fault." - OP

And I have made the point that at least in my case that had FWS or OW#2 acted with honor, to each other and their friendship, to their spouses or children .. then the A would not have happened, they could have actually encouraged each other to go to MC like real caring friends would do and respected boundaries (which FWH now says he understands and regrets not doing)... so I have faulted them both for this.

But there is one more reason that I don't believe OPs get away totally blameless . . .

If you were involved in a bank robbery, but only as the get away driver, not taking part in the actual robbery, you'd still be guilty as an accessory to the theft.

If someone was killed during that robbery, even though you had nothing to do with the murder, you're just driving the get away car -- you can still be charged and convicted of murder.

OPs are accessories to the pain a BS goes through -- they aren't absolved of it, they helped cause it. And by extension if the affair causes the end of a marriage, they are an accessory to that too. Even if all they did was drive the car.

I guess you can walk through life and say that your actions never have hurt someone indirectly -- but if that were true we wouldn't have smoking bans.. because second hand smoke has never hurt anyone either.*

way2


*except those with asthma and/or severe allergies

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

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I hear you loud and clear....
People who have A are all the scum of the earth.
When I was separated I met many hot, available, smart, sexy, upwardly mobile, driven, interesting, funny, bright, vivacious, warm women....
and you know what....
They wouldn't give me the time of DAY!
Why because i was still married...
In fact it was those same women who told me...
Go get your paperwork and then we can talk...I like you FM....you are interesting, attractive and I love the fact you are a responsible man raising his son...
But
But

You are still married..you need to take sometime and BE ALONE.

I did that for a long time
and then my W comes back in the picture supposedly all READY to rebuild our family, supposedly dedicated to saving our marriage. I cancel my petition for DIVORCE and stop seeing anyone, no emails, no phone calls

I cut everything off after a 2 YEAR separation
and what did she do?

She bumped into OM and started an EA from her previous PA..in fact that's why we were separated to begin with
She fell in love with OM!
I am broke busted and disgusted.
She kept up this EA unbeknownst to me for over a year...at least she says it was an EA who knows...I was dumb enough to trust she was committed to our M.

Why am I on this site?
I should be saying the heck with you ...
You loose woman!
and I would say the hell with her...
IF
IF
IF
I could just stop loving her!

Maybe I need to do what she did?
Met someone else and live in fantasyland.
Live in a world where morals, family, childen and your personal legacy doesnt matter. A world where you can rationalize anything and get other people to say cop out bullcrap statements like:

"As long as your HAPPY!"

I've been holding onto a dream that my children could brign their kids to one house to see their GrandParents! That my kids would have role models to emulate and preserve our tradition of Family. Is this guy worth all of that? I guess I have my answer don't I?

I feel like an idiot!

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Well I know EVERYBODYS situation is unique, right but in my case OM is a serial marriagebreaker/womanizer while my WW has only ever been with me and this OM.( writing that made my heart plapitate...I have so much to recover from * sigh * )

YES WW is as much to blame as OM for the A but he is very practiced in prising women from marriages. Done it a lot.

3 divorces, every W he ever had was in a stable relationship when he met them ( he told me this).

I am not in a place right now where I can apportion equal blame to OM, WW and myself for this A. Nowhere near.

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way2 Offline OP
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Actually I still give and will always give my FWH more responsibility over the fact that the A happened than I will give OW.

I know that he lied to her, he told me what he said to her. (and she only got his side of the story)

He had made ME promises prior to doing anything with her. Promises (like MC) that he did not keep before the A.

We had the prior relationship (marriage, piece of paper, etc.) which means everything should be thrown at fixing what's broken before leaving, stepping out (which isn't right), finding someone else, etc.

I hold myself more responsible for my A after the sexual assault, than I hold my OP. I know what I said, I know what I did, and I know I hurt 2 people -- Myad and OP.

But OP was driving the car ---

Any OP has some responsibility, culpability and guilt here, just as the get-a-way driver in a bank robbery.

I actually wonder about OW#2 -- I hope and pray that her life will be okay, not worse, because of the selfish decision she and Myad made. Before the A she had a life, with stresses, that I wouldn't want -- I hope now two years later, that she and her H have found some happiness and have built a stronger marriage.

way2

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

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way2 Offline OP
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FM -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People who have A are all the scum of the earth. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then you will count me as scum .. because I too had an affair .. 14 years ago, http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009325

I'm sorry for your pain .. are you in IC?

way2

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way2 Offline OP
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bump

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OP’s are accessories to the pain – that’s it exactly. I could never quite articulate my feelings towards my father’s OW quite right – but this hits the nail on the head.

They’re not the direct cause of the pain – that’s fully on the WS’s - but they contribute to it.

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DadsD-

I'm glad that helped.

way2


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