JL, I took your advice and had a conversation with my wife last night. She and OM have not made plans yet. But she said that I have been wonderful in meeting her needs but there has been a pschological shift in her thinking and she had to go be with him. I asked her when she planned to leave and she said I don't know. Well I suggested that she leave Oct 1. I told her to make plans with that date in mind. I told her that the phone calls are disrespectful and hurt me deeply. She replied I know. I was cool and calm throughout the conversation and didn't LB at all. She sees the changes but feels that OM gave up everything for her and now that deserves consideration. The fact is he has not given up anything for her. He hasn't filed for divorce and hasn't left the family home.
She then came to me and hugged me and cried. I told her that I can't save her from this. We then went to bed and she fell asleep hugging me.
OM is apparently in a panic. When I asked if he called she said 5000 times. He has not seen a lawyer but his wife is taking money out of their account and stashing it. O well not my problem.
So my wife says I have done a terrific Plan A. So now I must do a terrfic Plan B.

Dear 'Hopeful'.
It sounds like your wife is afraid of losing her 'dependable rock'. (And she SHOULD be, you are one terrific guy!)

You have done great...and that JL does give WONDERFUL advice, doesn't he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, JL does provide wonderful to the point insight and I respect him for that. He has been posting to me all summer and what a great help he has been. Blessed TIME,thanks for your reply

HINC,

I am glad you had that conversation. I sense it had more of an effect than perhaps you realize. You are planting seeds and you are dealing with this situation. Just remember there are two goals here.

1. Restore your marriage, actually make your marriage something it has not been for a long long time...based on honesty.

2. Prepare you if your marriage ends. You will KNOW you did all you could to save it. You will know when you found out the truth of your marriage that you reacted with honor, kindness, forgiveness, and a relentless attempt to restore it. You can look each of your children in the eye and say "I did my best." You will come to understand that all of this pain will be worth saying that IF your W leaves and the marriage ends.

Keep up the plan A, you are doing great. You are expressing your boundaries in a non-LB way, and she hears it. You are showing her compassion, and a love far stronger than she ever realized. It is far stronger than OM's love for her, but she will have to find this out.

I am betting that OM will NOT divorce his W. She may divorce him, but not the other way around. He has too much to lose and he has two woman hounding him right now. Life is tough for a cheater <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , doesn't it just touch your heart how much he has given up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

HINC, you are doing very well, steady as she goes right now.

God Bless,

JL

PS: BT you are far too kind but thank you for the compliment.

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

JL and others-I'm moving on. I dropped the re-finance papers by the bank today and I had my wife and her car removed from the auto insurance. I called her and told her what I did so she wouldn't be surprise to get a call from the insurance company.
This is not what I want but I have no control over her actions. I love this woman and feel like she is making a huge mistake. However I do hope she finds happiness. Cuz I know I am. When i ahve healed which might take a long time I hope to find a woman who does not solve her relationship problems outside of marriage. So for now I will concentrate on becoming a better person both professionally and personally.

HINC,

I think you are starting to achieve a good balance here. Showing her you love her, while beginning to play YOUR life when she leaves. I suspect that you will be lonely, she will find she is the one that is left dangling. OM will try to be there for her, but he will have his family and kids to deal with, plus he has to make money to support all of this mess.

My guess is that this will not work out well for them. I do think in the long run you will be in a marriage you have always wanted, either with this W or with another lady, who as you say has better coping skills.

Hang in there and keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

Hang in there. I still don't think she is going to leave. It is hard to go through all of this, but I think things will turn out just fine for you.

It does sound about as good as it possibly can be. Her babble shows how deep in fog she is, but reality will clear that faster than anything else will.

You are doing great and sound positive and well.

JL is right, whatever happens you will be in peace knowing you've done your best.

believer-your such a positive person, thanks for repling to me. People like you, JL and others give me strength and encouragement. Your support has meant more to me than anything else. I know you are truly living and I hope to get there some time.

I had a business dinner to attend last night and as I was preparing for bed, my wife asked me "what can I do to make this easier for you'?
I replied "there is nothing that will make this easy. You just need to go. Either you go or he(OM) goes. I did this in a very calm quiet manner. I then went to bed and she fell asleep on the sofa. So she is thinking of me or maybe just trying to lessen her guilt.

HINC,

My guess is that she is thinking about you and she is trying to lessen her guilt. I would bet that as she prepares to leave she is taking a "last look" at things and she is seeing them in a different light. A light that has not been used in over 5-6 years perhaps more.

She is realizing you are a good man and she is losing far more than she thought. I think your efforts, your plan A'ing, have shown her that you are more than she has rewritten of your history with her.

Keep up the good work. I am not as positive as Believer, because I feel she MUST go to OM to settle things in her mind. I do feel she will be back, but it may be too late. I suspect your life is going to be not as "lonely" as you think. You will have choices HINC, trust this.

You are doing well and the reality of this is starting to settle in. She is way ahead of you in separating her feelings for you from what she is doing, but you are way ahead of her in facing the reality of what she has done.

Hang in there and...

God Bless,

JL

JL, I suspect you are right. I went home at lunch as I have been doing this summer and she tried to engage me in a fight about exposing the affair. I didn't bite. Her Dad made a comment when his grandchildren stayed with him for a few days about how teenagers act and he told my wife kinda like you. So last night she felt sorry and wanted to make it easier for me and today she wants to fight. I did ask if she had made flight reservation. She said no and I said to get a good price you need to make them now in a calm non judgemental way. She is seeing me in a different light but like you JL I think she must go to realize what she has lost.

Hopeful - I LOVE IT! Telling her that she needs to get reservations now to save money is classic. She is going to wonder why you are so eager to get rid of her. Keep it up.

She's switching modes to regain power over you. Your calm and respectful responses to her to leave, have showed her that you are strong enough to let her go. She does not like this because it means that if she does decide to leave then she may not be allowed to come back into your life later on. She wants to see you a needy and desperate in order for her to feel secure enough to leave.

Good job, keep up the good work.

Believer-thanks for the reply. I am wanting her to get that reservation so I can inform OM's wife when she will be in her town. So I will ask again this evening. This is hard. This MB is stuff is not for wimps.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopefulinnc:
<strong> This is hard. This MB is stuff is not for wimps. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen to that, but you are doing great!

By the way, I'm in North Carolina too. I assume that's what your name means!

Peppermint

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: peppermint ]</small>

Yep I'm in North Carolina