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#1191772 10/04/04 05:33 AM
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Hey RIF & Bel,

WW is starting to see phychiatrist. Her first meeting was on 28th aug, than she has her followup today...will see how that goes. They have her on AD and sleeping meds right now. She also is going to IC on 6th. So she is seeing a dr, or at least she is scheduled to see them. I will follow up and see if she actually went.
It isn't that WW is NOT reading the emails, I KNOW she is at least looking at them, she does not EVER respond to them. That gets old, but I know she IS looking at them. So because of that, I hesitate to not write her. But yes, it does tear me up when she does not respond. I have a feeling that it is because she has no idea what to do with how I am acting, and is on the defense against me? I wouldn't know. Anyways, I am going to fight for my M until she DRAGS me, kicking and screaming the whole way(or plan a'ing however you want to look at it) into the court room. That is the only way I would give up our M. Is if she ends it. Herself, not me. Yeah, I know she is bent on ending M. I just have to show her it is not worth it. I have been told that people with mental disorders almost always lose everything before they get the help they need, much like an alchoholic. An A is also an addiction (according to this site and others), and when a person is addicted to something, they normally must lose everything as well before they break of it. I am hoping that WW does not lose me, or that I don't lose her, before she figures out what is going to happen if she leaves to be with OM.

#1191773 10/04/04 10:02 AM
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hoping,

I must have miss read your post... I thought that your W wasn't reading your e-mails at all. Sorry.

If you're pretty sure that she's reading your e-mails, then I'd continue to send her chatty, informative e-mails telling her about your day and so forth. Try to stear clear of any relationship talks or deep questions... Just keep it informative and interesting.

Now, here's the HARD part.... don't expect ANY return e-mails from her. If you get one, then great, but if you don't, then don't let it bother you. Remember, Plan-A is about making yourself better... you have no control over your W so don't try to "educate" her or tell her what she should or should not do.

If you get an e-mail that is hurtful to you, try not to send a flamer back... just ignore it and don't say anything.

I know this is hard for you... hang in there. I hope that your W will get on the right meds and will level off soon.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

#1191774 10/05/04 01:15 AM
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Hi RIF,

Thanks. Just posting on this board helps me out so much, and it helps to talk to someone who is also deployed. I did get a sort of response back from my plan a email. It was rather amusing, if you could call it that. WW told me that she was not going to have anything to do with our finances at this point, because I took her name off our utilities back home. Only thing is, her name was NEVER on them.....she also told me she got the small gift I sent her. Did not thank me for it, just said she got it. At least she responded. So we play the rollercoaster for awhile. Oh boy. Take it easy.

#1191775 10/05/04 09:25 AM
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hoping,

Glad that I'm able to help a bit... that's probably the only reason that I still post here at all.

Are you in any sort of counseling with any of the chaplains here at BAF?

Semper Fi,
RIF90

#1191776 10/05/04 10:06 AM
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hoping - Glad you are posting here. The folks here are great. Everyone pitches in with wonderful support and advice.

I think you have the right idea, making her drag you kicking and screaming to D court.

In the meantime, do like RIF says - send emails telling her about your day, and stay out of relationship talk.

#1191777 10/05/04 02:37 PM
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Hi, hoping. Sorry you're going through all this. There's never a "good" time to go through it, but having your hands tied the way you do, and being at war, is definitely sucky. Beyond unfair.

But you are not alone. Been going on since the beginning of time. And you will be ok...no matter what.

hoping...your W is sick, weak. Like we are fond of saying here, her brain has been abducted by aliens. Don't listen to the ugly things she says are "the truth" that she spews out of her mouth. Like loving you but not being "in love"--ever. It's crap. They are the lies that she believes. It's psycho-rationalization. It's the sickness talking. Best to not talk to her about such relationship things at all. Consider her for now, at best, a very sick, screwed-up best friend. Not your W. Consider her almost demon-possessed.

And realize that alot of this is not up to you to "fix"...ask God to help in those areas that are beyond you. You do not have total control here. Keep giving it over to Him when you feel you are at your wits end. When you are given a choice and have to make a decision, make sure you stay in His will.

Good that you cut off her financially. You love her enough to no longer enable her and her addiction--no matter how mad at you it makes her. It's a loving thing to do. "Tough love". A boundery setting. It teaches her that she cannot abuse you. Wonderful bi-product is it will put a definite dent in her relationship with the free loader OM.

You mentioned Plan A...all the way to the courthouse. Is there no place for Plan B then?

Have you read SAA? or just the principles on this website?

Stick close with your christian counselors. You have 3 possible recoveries going on here. One requiring your own personal IC, her own (and her panel of specialists), and the marriage counseling--which seems to be far off in the future yet. They may not all happen at the same time...but these all require their own specialized team of counselors and help. But one thing is for sure, without inviting God into the marriage and into your hearts, neither of you are going to get the peace you need to not just survive, but also thrive.

#1191778 10/07/04 01:19 AM
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Lil,

I don't know if there is a place for plan b at this time. I agree about her not being the person I loved anymore. It does suck. I have asked god, many many times for help, and continue to do so. I have ordered SAA, but it might be a month or so yet before I get it...mail really sucks overhere sometimes.
I know I don't have any control, and to be honest, I don't know if I ever want any. Part of my reasoning is that she has to make the decision to keep our marriage together. I will do everything I can to show her what I have done with myself, but M is not a thing you do by yourself. Eventually she does have to show me she wants to give it a try. She has not made any indication yet. She just says "I dont know" and continues to see OM. I know that right now, she is upset with me because I offered collateral information to her dr. and she was told about it. Appearently, she was not being all that honest with them. So now I am the bad guy again....oh well.

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