This is not a negative about this program, just my experience! I have followed this program for a year now. Read my story. Have Plan A'd my booty off! And I do believe that the Plan Aing portion I did WAS detrimental to what is happening now, except for the part of Plan A that says you need to present a happy and confident persona! This worked AGAINST me (WH made snide remarks more than once about me being SO happy and he was so miserable!!) At my present situation, WH is not living at home, left last week to go see if OW was a fantasy or not (his words). Returned stating I love you very much, miss u, yada, yada, yada! But I am SUPPOSED to still be in Plan A! Yeah Right!!! Still Cake Eating!!! I'm here, OW out of state! Comes to spend night with me, then leaves, acts like all is well, (he can now not feel guilty about talking to OW because hes not "living" at home with me!! As of yesterday, NO MORE!!! I was so afraid of LBing all this time (which is not the person he married) she would speak her mind! That obviously I gave him permission to drag me as far down the gutter as he wanted to! I LB'd all over the place (MY Plan B, meaning Plan Backbone) and told him do not call me ever again! I will see an attorney today! I AM DONE!! Last night I get a text message from him stating "Wife, please dont give up on US! First positive (initiated by him) response about "US" in a year!!! Of course could still be another "fog tactic" so he can still have his cake, but it is different. We will see!! I will not call him and will wait it out for HIS "action". I really do believe that if I continued on my Plan A course that he would be okay with coming back and forth, only with ease of his guilt!!!

Sounds to me like Plan A is working a LOT better for you than others.

If you're afraid of LB'ing, and he's out of the house, go to Plan B. Have you written that letter yet?

Don't believe for a second that he's the only cake eater to "take advantage" of Plan A. But this isn't really taking advantage of it or of you. He's cake eating BECAUSE of your Plan A. Otherwise, he'd be LONG gone.

So, here's your choices - Plan B or Plan D. You get to decide.

WAT

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Sabot, Marriage Builders does not recommend Plan A as a way of life. Staying in Plan A too long has the exact same negative effect that you are experiencing. You are now so angry and bitter that you can't even be civil towards him.

Plan A is supposed to be done for 3-6 months. If it does not end the affair in that time frame, it is Plan B time.

And Plan B does not mean screaming at the WS to never contact you again. It means sending them a letter than tells them what they must do to come back into the marriage.

Sounds like you are past due for Plan B.

Melody and WAT were my rescuers on this site! Listen to their perspectives! Their ability to help you can't be questioned.

I agree from this post that it's time for PLAN B. Actually you are a testimony to how this system works. YOUR PLAN A has worked. Now it's time for PLAN B. Do according to the MB plan. GO DARK!! It will be effective because your PLAN A has worked.

All of this has worked very successfully for me.

Your WH is following the typical script of a cake-eater involved in an A.

It's awful for us. It's a long, hard road. For me, fighting for my M was worth it.

Another thought, Sabot - The MB program does not always work. My situation is a prime example.

Further, couples were resolving affairs LONG before MB was ever thought of and couples are resolving affairs today without ever hearing of MB. So, your subject statement, "One size does not fit all" is just about irrefutable.

But, this program makes the most sense for the most cases. Sure, your H may have come around if you filed for divorce right off the bat. Some WSs do. For some, that's all the wake up call they need. But that doesn't mean the problems leading to the affair - created by both spouses - get fixed.

Please do not discount the necessity of Plan B for you. Just because your H used the term "us" doesn't mean the cake is all eaten.

WAT

Sabot,

I hate to disagree with WAT posted but if I understand Plan B correctly, IT ALWAYS WORKS. Plan B is NOT necessarily the salvaging of your M but ALWAYS includes salvaging yourself.

Yes, Cy, I stand corrected in the broader sense. I've said that myself on this forum. For that matter, Plan A always works to improve the BS if done properly.

WAT

Agreed. Both PLANS have made me a better person.

Thanks Wats, Cymanca, Mimi, and Melody, and anyone else responding!

I understand what you are saying and I agree. My feelings however are now and always have been that Plan B just gives them the right to continue cake walking! If I send him a Plan B Letter now, (after telling him I'm done) is like I am stating to him that I will still wait in the wings for him and allow him to "take his time" and "have his fun" and he DOESNT have to choose until he's ready, if and when that might be!!! WRONG Answer for me!! IMO it tells him I am being "wishy washy".
Also forgot to mention, that while I decided to have some "backbone" for a change, I also forwarded copies of his text msgs to me to OW...with statement..."who's lying to who?" (Guess theres a new sherrif in town!!)

A big part of Plan A is to work on yourself, so that a year down the road, you will be okay whether you stay with WS or not.

Plan A is not to last more than 6 months. If WS cannot decide to work on the M by then, then it's time for Plan B.

If I had went to Plan B, it would have been only for 6 months and then I would have filed for a D.

The statement that Plan A or Plan B always works if done properly is one of those impossible to refute claims - if it doesn't work, you can always claim that the Plan was not done "correctly."

Sometimes the WS comes back after a Plan A. Sometimes he or she comes back when the BS immediately files for divorce. I have yet to see any evidence that anything the BS does, short of attempted murder, makes any difference whatsoever in the outcome. No one has tried to do a controlled study to examine whether marriagebuilder methods work any better or worse than any other, as far as I know.

Plan A certainly did nothing for me - not personally, and financially it was a disaster. From a financial perspective, my family would have been much better off had I immediately divorced my H. I have also certainly not be "salvaged" by Plan B. I have gone for almost 6 years now with extremely limited contact with my H, and only about the kids - I still love him just as much as I ever did. I doubt very much if I will ever "get over" his betrayal, and I will never trust any man again.

Sabot - You are right, one size does not fit all.

After reading your post I agree many the others, it's probably time get into plan B. I was afraid of doing this but found that once I did it (properly) WS was staring to have to face some hard truths about herself.

It's tough becuase you feel that you are puuting someone you love dearly out in the "cold" and severing contact with them until they come to their senses. What you must realise is that if plan A is not working you need to try something different, i.e. PLAN B.

From my short experience with Plan B it will help you to protect yourself from the WS's thoughtless behaviours whilst forcing WS to face up to the ramifications of their actions. It's amazing how after a while the WS starts to realise what they are jeorpardising by continuing the A.
Most WS's are happy when they have two people meeting their EN,s, but once you shut them out in plan B they start to see the OP in a different light.

Most importantly plan B gives you some choices and stops you from being at the mercy of WS's whims. My only advice would be, if you do decide to plan B, then make sure you do it properly i.e. no contact...

Take care and realise that you can and will get through this!!! Cheers R-man

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sabot:
<strong> Thanks Wats, Cymanca, Mimi, and Melody, and anyone else responding!

I understand what you are saying and I agree. My feelings however are now and always have been that Plan B just gives them the right to continue cake walking! If I send him a Plan B Letter now, (after telling him I'm done) is like I am stating to him that I will still wait in the wings for him and allow him to "take his time" and "have his fun" and he DOESNT have to choose until he's ready, if and when that might be!!! WRONG Answer for me!! IMO it tells him I am being "wishy washy".
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sabot, you don't understand Plan B if you view as being wishy washy or allowing him to cakewalk, it is just the opposite. Plan B is taking back control of your life and setting expectations for him. You essentially tell him that you will have no contact with him until and IF he ends his affair. It says nothing about sitting around waiting for him. You leave the door open for future possibilities IF he ends his affair.

Plan B can have the result of yanking them off the fence when they realize the OP can't possibly meet all their needs. It also protects you from their destructive behavior and prevents all the futile lovebusting that you are doing now.

Unless............did you WANT everything to be done? Are you done with the marriage? I guess I should have asked that first.

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>