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#12172 09/19/99 02:06 PM
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Kat1 Offline OP
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It seems that some of us are now going trough this difficult stage in the recovery process, so I thought I would answer in one shot.<P>I believe this to be a very normal reaction. After all, we did put our needs on hold while dealing with the "emergency". The crisis of an affair. More than that, I'm willing to bet that even before the affair, there were needs not met for us too. SO suddenly, it all comes crashing. How long are we dealing with the affair? How long before that were we struggling with those needs that weren't fulfilled? If a full love bank helps to create a strong marriage and keeps us "in love", than the opposite also applies. SO we start feeling it's not worth, or we just can't se ourselves in love with our spouse anymore.<P>If our spouse's understand Dr. harleys views, and are willing to follow them, the lovebanks can fill up again, and the loving feeling can return. What if they don't, or aren't at that stage yet? That's a bit more difficult.<BR>Pilot's wife gave a suggestion, that some might view as controversial : fake it. And she went on to explain : make yourself connect to your spouse at least for minutes a day, it might come back. Well I don't find it that controversial. We already went trough the whole decision stage. We decided to rebuild. So let's not give up yet. Connecting, hugging, touching all those things can not only give a chance for our spouses to fulfill needs, but will also help us feel better. I think it's worth a try.<BR>We have an advantage over what happened with our spouses, we know what is happening, why and how. SO we can take the appropriate steps to fix it. They didn't. ( They didn't even think about it [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<P>One of the best ways is just to ask for what we need. SOmetimes it's as easy as that. But this only works if the spouse is already willing to work with us, and the affair is either over or on it's way to be over.<BR>In other cases - like my H - counseling, psycology, all that stuff, are silly things, for weak people. They pride themselves in being able to solve their own problems without that kind of help ( little they know that's the best way to do it all wrong [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ). SO for them, the talk about needs, and lovebanks, and all that, is just BS. Still we can go around that. Our spouses did a good job of fulfilling our needs in the past, or we wouldn't have married them. They can do it again, and as they do, the relationship will feel right again. Let's start by taking the trash out first. If we're expecting the worst from them, or from the situation, we won't be able to see the good things they might be trying to do. So let's have a positive attitude. Let's check with our spouses, what are they expecting from the marriage since they decided to stay? What are they willing to do to make it work? Are they aware of the things that make us happy, or are they aiming for something that is not that important for us although it is for them? ( That happens a lot, we try to provide something that is very high in our list of needs, just to realize later that it's not that high on the other person's list ). Can we talk? "i really need this and this to feel happy in this relationship, can you try to provide it?". At the same time, maybe we should start somethings on our own too. Make time for ourselves ( it's needed too) and to feel confident, make private time with our spouses one of the priorities, let's talk about the person we became trought the years ( it might be quite different than when we started ). Talk about our hopes and goals, listen to theirs. What about those things we used to do in the begining of the marriage? Let's bring them back. We used to enjoy them, and so did our spouses.<BR>I'm confident that this will help. It helped me.<P>Well, know what about those of us, that are following plan A but aren't getting any special results yet, and are feeling their own love banks completely depleted? Decision time, I guess. Can you still keep this plan A? How important is rebuilding at this point? Are you geting some clues that things seem to be changing? Do small victories recharge you, or it's just not enough?<BR>If you decide to keep plan A, and in this situation you know you won't get much in terms of deposits on your lovebank, it is very important that you work on your self esteem ( a confident person can cope with so much more! )Take care of yourself. Get a good haircut, or buy some knew clothes you feel good in. Do things that make you feel good. Read something else other than those piles of books on relationships. Sharpen the mind. Be proud of yourself, you're doing great.Get some strategies to deal with the low times before they happen so you wo't be caught off-guard. Congratulate yourself for the small good tings that you see in your spouse. The small signs that maybe things will get better.Think positive.Instead of seeing the glass half empty "gee, no wonder he came home earlier today, she's out of town! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]" see it half full " Oh, great. She's out of town!that will give us some extra time to try and solve this, let me do something special. even if it won't seem to care for it, it will stay in and will come out later [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] "<P>If I continue, I will never stop, there's so many things coming to mind at the same time. Many that I tried myself when going trough that stage. <BR>However I promissed my kids to make some puppets with them. I'll be back later.<BR>Take care everybody.<BR>P.S. It's normal to close ourselves so we won't be hurt again. It's also a trap we fall in without even noticing. Just try to avoid that. We can always get hurt, no matter what, so why dwell on it? Pain is just that. It hurts, and one day it will stop hurting. But what we can accomplish by ourselves ( with good results or not ) will always stay with us, and if nothing else, would have thought us new things.<BR>Kat

#12173 09/19/99 05:15 PM
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Kat<BR>Once again I thank you!!!!<BR>I wish you would write posts like this more often. They are so calming and encouraging.<BR>Would you consider private lessons for me?<BR>Like you need that on top of your present lesson plans!<BR>Dear lady, what do we do when the wall is built up? How do we take it down? You know that the self-protection wall has come up around me. I was much farther ahead in April than I am now. The hope and stamina part have disappeared. <BR>What if you have the game plan and don't have the stamina to carry it through? Or to take down the walls by yourself anymore?<BR>If you want to give me a private lecture on this one it is welcome!!!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited September 20, 1999).]

#12174 09/19/99 05:43 PM
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Lu Offline
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Hi Kat,<BR> Great post Kat and I think you are on to something, the self confidence part and the "asking for what you need" part especially. The whole thing doesn't affect me as much when I'm active and feel good myself ....I agree that self confidence can sustain a person through the "droughts". After my post the other day when I was feeling so low and "bank drained" I told my H how bad I was feeling and how much I needed. I ended up feeling very needy but lo and behold he ended up with some very postitive actions!! (My H doesn't go for the "mumbo jumbo psych and love bank stuff"-(his words), either) Thanks Kat, Lu

#12175 09/19/99 07:07 PM
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Kat,<BR>Yep, the crisis is over at our house and I was just starting to wonder what about me! Thanks for your post. I needed the reminder to carry on. There are small victories happening. I feel like just such a baby when I wonder what about me. Must be normal though so that makes me feel better [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#12176 09/19/99 08:30 PM
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Well Put, Kat.<BR>Got some time here so I will add to the thread.<P>Wasstubborn. I want to suggest to you and others who feel the wall is too tall and thick something that is going to be very hard for me to explain, but try to read between the lines. Within you, within me, within us all as is a force, a power so strong that it has only to be tapped to cause major changes in our individual perceptions of reality. There in lies the possibilities of a multitude of small and large miracles. I know, sounds like a bunch of high brow bull shot, but me try to paint a better picture. The greatest gift given us as humans is the ability to change our mind sets. Now, if at our very core is perfection,love incarnate, as it must be because God does not create evil, then at our very core is the only tool we need to allow miracles to happen in our thinking, in our lives. Our ego is what gets in the way. Pride, pain, jealously, any non-loving thought or feeling is not in the core of our being. If we wade through all the negatives the ego puts in our way to the place where ONLY love exits, and proceed outward from there, making our aim to express that love in every action, every word, every deed, our fulfillment might just come from the giving, not the receiving. Anytime I react in anger, fear or frustration, I know I have lost touch with core truth of my being and I am NOT Happy. But when I look at some ****ty thing my H did or does by first filtering it through the love filter, Ie.. telling myself, I love this man, etc. than I am more likely to react from a place of loving acceptance and understanding. The miracle is that it works. The pain or anger is diminished. I remain serene and calm, even happy in a funny sort of way even in the midst of a bad situation. And as a bonus, it blows the H's mind that I can be steadfast in the basic premise that I love him dispite the lovebuster he may be throwing my way. (Gosh, does any of this make sense to any of you guys?)<P>One more point of a philisophical nature.<BR>Do not do things for your spouse in hopes that those things will make your spouse love you. You CANNOT make your spose love you. Do the things you do for your spouse because you love him/her.<BR>Well, enough of that..<P>How bout some practical ideas?<P>On the subject of increasing your self esteem, recognizing your self worth. Those of you who read my post about "pictures" won't be surprized to hear me suggest that you treat your selves to a make-over followed by some glamour shots, professional ones if you can. Or get some friends together for a make-over night and do it yourself, if no professionals are handy or money is tight. <BR>Something I have done, much to the chagrin of some of my peers and family members, is changed a large part of my wardrobe to include some shorter than usual shorts and skirts, tighter than appropriate for a 45 year old woman, pants, and lots and lots of sexy, colored matching underware! Wonder bras and garters! I bought one pair of stack shoes like the teenagers wear, too. Very uncharacteristic for me, a mild mannered kindergarten teacher, but man, have I had fun walking through Wal-mart on occasion when I felt the need to be appreciated. Can't wear most of the stuff on a daily basis, but when my H is around, I pull out all stops. He is all the time commenting on how he notices other men looking at me and demonstates a possessivness that did not exist before. Holding my hand, or arm around my waist whenever we are out together. HEHEHE<BR> His parents complained to him that my shorts were too short this summer when we were on our own farm and no one else around, and his response was that he liked it. (I have been waiting for my 16 year old son to get me on a Sally Jessie show to complain that I don't dress my age, but hey, sexiness is wasted on the youth. Look at how they dress and they shouldn't be screwing around anyway!)<P>Will think more on the subject and get back to ya.<P><BR>

#12177 09/19/99 10:12 PM
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Kat1 Offline OP
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Wassy, you have e-mail [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Lu and derby, thanks for your words. I'm glad you were able to find something in this post that gave you a different perspective or simply made you feel better.<BR>Yes lu, sometimes we just need to ask for what we need. As much as we would like it, our spouses are not mind readers. But when they understand what's needed, they usually respond. I'm glad you had that experience as well.<BR>Derby, there's nothing childish about wondering when our needs will be met. It's our right as well. It's just that even when things are on the right track there's still a lot that needs to be solved and discussed ( not even counting with the fact that after the affair is over our spouses might still take a while until they're on the giving end). Small things do count, in my opinion. And showing how pleased we are with those small things, might help them understand how low our lovebanks are.<P>Pilot's wife , I too changed my entire wardrobe. I got my hair done in a new style and added highlights. I went back to swimming - had to quit because nobody could stay with the kids and I always let him rest instead of staying with them, after the affair, well, he could stay with them for that hour, if he was tired he could come home earlier to sleep, instead of going "for a coffee" with the ow [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. He never said no, but then again I didn't ask either, I said I was going and he had to stay with the kids, never waited for his answer either [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. Now , he's the one who reminds me of my swimming time, and even takes me there so I have time to make my evening classes.<BR>Take care you all<BR>Kat<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited September 19, 1999).]

#12178 09/19/99 10:41 PM
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Kat, thank you for this thread. GREAT thread.

#12179 09/20/99 05:23 AM
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I just wanted to say thank you for such a great thread...read it first thing this am....and it picked me right up.


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