Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
Sorry, but this is long. Please try to stick it out. I am posting it on both General and emotional Needs.

I am mostly a lurker, though I have posted in the past... I am just at my wits end and although I find lots of great advice just reading here, I really need HELP. I don't know how to link back to my story, so I will recap.

Last year, 03, my H and I were having lots of problems. - Before this even though, I have not had many of my needs met for a very long time and had tried begging, yelling, logical arguments, threatening... I know now, albeit not by his own admission, that many of my H's needs were not being met either. - He became even more distant and irritable with me last year. And went on a business trip, over my B-day, without me, although I really wanted to go. He was rather insistent that I didn't go and I didn't push it. We went out to celebrate my B-day, the Fri. before he left. We went to dinner and came home before 9:00. Before I went to put my youngest to bed, I even asked him if he would stay up and watch a movie with me (one of my problems with him was that he was in bed by 9 or so always, never giving us time together and we rarely went out). By 9:15, when I came downstairs, he was asleep- in bed with the light off. I was very hurt. He woke up at about 1:00 AM and irritably approached me, with "I guess you're mad now, huh?!" I said "No, just really hurt" and an argument ensued....one of many over the years and getting much worse and more frequent.

After this I started thinking very hard that my H was acting funny and might be having an affair. I eventually - 2 months later- put a recording device in his car. In the first two days, I overheard one side of conversations in which he was saying how unhappy he was and how awful I was. H denies to this day that he was talking to anyone, states that he was talking to self. This might be a viable argument but he said "... you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> have to see things from my perspective.." , in one conversation. At another point he says that he "should talk to her (me). Tell her that I don't love her anymore and that we're complete opposites". That one really hurt, still does. Not to mention that I can hear a woman's voice in the tape twice, answering him. One specialist that cleaned up the tape said that there was quite possibly two-way radios used. One recording was awful, I was nervous and put it under the backseat.
Anyway, I threw him out for a week, took him back, went to MC, and I tried Plan A eventually after realizing that some of his hurtful "overheard" comments were a plea for better domestic help from me. I've always worked hard at home (small part-time job outsideof home) but more outside work than inside. I thought that I was doing him a favor, since we have horses and small acreage because I wanted that. But I was neglecting laundry and cooking and some housecleaning. I have done better since last year, except for cooking and that just depends on circumstances, but I do not like to cook. I have never been able to do Plan B, nor do I necessarily think that it is necessary. I also KNOW how much this man loves his kids!

I have never found any other "real" evidence of an affair, and tend to think that he was close, but never went any further than what I heard. My problem now is his dishonesty about the whole thing and the fact that although I really think that he wants to be with me, he won't listen to or respond to my needs.

Please don't tell me to forget it and go on. Honesty and Openness has always been one of my biggest needs and my H is not an open person to begin with. But downright lying is a bitter pill and I cannot/will not swallow it. Of course he has lied before: about both big and little things and almost always to stay out of trouble. He is a true conflict avoider! And I am quite the opposite, just let"s get it all out....and deal with the consequences.

I have read enough to know that I can't change him, only myself. I honestly have changed and continue to try to better myself, for my M and life, in general. Now what.? I am not ready to quit, although I get real close some days. I am not ready to accept that this is "As good as it gets". So I keep hitting a brick wall!! I have strongly encouraged H to lurk here, really pushed, trying not to actually get too pushy. He says that he sees nothing that pertains to "us".

I have bought all the books, found recreations (taking swing-dancing), printed out many articles and threads.

HELP....Now what?! If I just let well enough alone, he would say everything is fine. If I bring up problems, he says I am too negative. I have let things go, slightly encouraged talk and time.., tried EVERYTHING (well, probably not everything)..I have recently been thinking about a comment on an recent MB thread, "he doesn't trust ..[ME].. " . This is so true and I have contributed to that, with my LBs and angry outbursts, really am doing better since I found this site, but still not perfect, of course.

So much more to add and ask, but keeping it short- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks in advance,
jl

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 690
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 690
First of all Jl,

Don't think any of us here would tell you to take it for what it is. Your M is what you put into it. I can't sit here and say your H is having an A, You need to go with your gut on this one. They say that if you have the feeling then the feeling is true. I'm in a little bit of a diffrent situation and all I can tell you is to Plan A, Plan A and like so many other's you have to give yourself that timeline. I would stay away from the R talks and the A talks until you can get hard proof of his A and once you have that, then sit down with your H and tell him what you know and what you want and thats to save your M. I'm by far not one of the vets on here and I think if you keep your posat up to the front with updates you will get some serious responses from the vets on here. I wish you luck and you have a very good head on your shoulder, don't give up but don't push him to hard either.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 462
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 462
Jl,

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine several years ago. Neither one of our needs were being met, I tried writing letters, hints, veiled threats, smart-assed comments and everything I could think of but nothing worked. We drifted further and further apart. One time my parents watched the kid so we could go out for the evening. I thought we could go out to dinner and then come back home to "spend time" together and then go pick the kids up. After dinner he wanted to go to a store he liked and then go pick the kids up, no special time for us. I was devestated. I felt so rejected and unloved that it makes me cry to think of it today.

You need to get some communication going now. I know that it is almost impossible and it seems like such a risk but if you don't try and get out what you are feeling, both of you, your relationship will implode. That is what happened to us. I hurt, he hurt, neither saw a way out until he met OW who was more than willing to offer friendly advice and offer her services to see him through the demise of our marriage. Fortunately, the eminent demise of our marriage caused us to pull together and make our relationship more of what it should be but there are so many scars.

If there is a way to do this without the scars, your marriage will be so much stronger because of it. Get into counseling, suck up your pride and put your feelings on the line. Only that can save you from being in my shoes a few years from now, or worse.

Cathy

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
Thanks Mschluter, I guess I already "know" that something happened, my H denies and that hurts more than anything. He also denied all those same feelings on the recording, before i recorded them. He always said ( and still does often), "we are fine honey, you worry too much", "we have a better M than what you think." and "we ARE close"...the MC thing has been such a dead end, it seems so hard to find a good one, we have been to at least 5 different ones. CANNOT afford Harleys right now, although I have contemplated that. And when we wer in MC, years ago, my H denied his resentfulness then, some of which were the same things he was complaining about on the recording. This is what really scares me. If he has been building up all this resentment and whatever happened , how can I keep it from happening again, or worse, if he still won't be honest? Booby-That is it exactly. I have really tried communicating, somewhere along the line, I am failing. And keep failing, it is so hard. He will only tell me how he feels when he is really angry. And then, I try to stay calm, I really do, but usually get drawn in eventually. The last big fight, I remained calm, then later walked away and told him when I started to get mad that I did not want to argue, then ended up yelling after about an hour of him following me around the house. jl

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
You've done reasonably well to a point Seagull BUT yes lots of LB's and I would suggest that neither of you are really aware of each others EN's or the order.

I'm not sure any human can be on top of that one ALL the time, I suppose the key is communication and a willingness to let your spouse know where YOU are with them. Of course it would be so easy to get defensive with that. I guess we've all done that one.

Now I think in your sit you probably have it right, he was in a EA at least and he may have only cooled it off because you are watching him & hes aware of it. If he wants to continue then he'll get more cunning.

I do think that you BOTH need a good MC here. I think there is a good chance for you both IF you BOTH can get working on this. Just don't expect him to be enthusiastic about it until he reaches a place where he sees it as helping him get what he wants as well - his ENs met.

I really would suggest you get some counselling from the HARLEYS here on the phone as a starter as you may as well get the best if you can afford it.... they cost a bit but seem to get REAL results and tailor a plan to your situation.

Please consider it seriously

all the best.

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
Thanks aussieswife,

I want to try MC again, but do know my H will go only if I threaten him. Not the way I want to approach. The Harleys are definitely out of the question right now, financially and know H will fight on that note, even if I really push.

He won't even get on this website unless I really push and have decided that it wasn't doing any good, he doesn't get it. He just asked me a few minutes ago, when H asked what I was doing and I said on MB, he asked if I found the way to save our M today. I know that he was kidding, but I said no, honey and it's not going to happen from reading a few articles and threads and that's all. He said he was kidding, I stated that I knew that, but I wasn't kidding. This was all done respectfully though, no yelling or sarcasm from me. Have to go downstairs now, per H request and get more family time in. Will check in later to see if anyone waved their magic wand for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks all,
jl


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5